Donate To Sperm Bank While In A Relationship

[lovehelp1995]

Yea.. that sucks really badly.

[agent1607307371]

I'm young and don't understand, and it also doesn't help when he says he's getting older he doesn't think he'll be able to produce children then he says to me sometimes he doesn't think I can get pregnant so it's like to me you're taking my chances away.

 

So first he writes you off because you're young. How much younger than him are you? That is incredibly patronising. (If he's much older than you, its possible that he is the reason you're not getting pregant.)

 

Secondly, he tells you that he's doing this because you're not pregnant yet? That you're taking away his chance of fatherhood (even though he already has a child). I honestly don't even know where to start with that. Incredibly stupid statement and also cruel.

 

In the UK, donor children have the legal right to seek out their donors. So if he thinks that he can donate and be off the hook, it's possible that he is in for a shock in a few years. We also have a case of a guy who donated to a lesbian couple - friends of his, unofficially, but is now officially on the hook for child support. So again, if he's being so casual about it, that's something else that might come back to bite him.

[lovehelp1995]

Tbh, I don't have anything against it. Example: before I would decide to do anything whether it changes our relationship or not I tell him, for communication purposes so we can be on board and no one would feel out the loop. For this situation that's all I wanted. Communication. For our Future Communication. He's willing to help everyone else out, but when would it be my turn?

 

I'm the type when in a relationship I respect your feelings and willing to come to a meet ground so both parties can be satisfied. Yes it's his body, but he's also in a relationship, that lack in the communication and apparently the respect area.

[lovehelp1995]

Yea, we're only 4 yrs apart. Lbvs so when he says younger....i just smh. You'll swear it's a 6+ yr gap.

 

He's not doing this cause I'm not pregnant. Honestly idk why, when I asked he said for money, but I feel he isn't really that desperate and he's a given person, but i wouldn't imagine him waking up and having that idea to donate to the sperm bank.

 

I need to look up the legal facts in the USA with situations like this but in all honesty I'm the let's research more and ask questions and think before make a decision. He's the opposite spontaneous, not thinking things out. You get what I'm saying, but yea basically I can't tell him, he's gonna have to learn from it. He's those type of ppl.

[j.man]

I am very surprised with the consensus here.

 

Looks, guys don't donate sperm so that they can see a kid on the street who looks like them and feel some weird sense of pride. We donate to sperm banks for $$$$$$$$$.

 

As for wanting the lesbian couple, it could be that he's good friends with them. It's not strange at all for same-sex couples to reach out to an opposite sex friend rather than a stranger for egg or sperm donation. It could be that he carries "healthy" genes, which is to say he has a good family history in terms of genetic predisposition to disease. He needs to make sure a good lawyer draws up a concrete contract to separate him from any legal responsibility over the kid, though.

 

Just because he doesn't want to raise a kid doesn't mean he doesn't want to make a dime or help other people with his sperm. You guys are conflating two completely different concepts.

 

This is really among the top non-issues I've read on these forums and I'm really kind of floored seeing the attitude of some women toward this man's completely innocent reproductive choices.

[lovehelp1995]

So what's your thoughts, if he doesn't want to raise a kid, but already have a kid? And tbh complains about how he can never see his child, because of the mother of his child. He said he's doing it for money, once again him donating isn't the problem, yes it's his body, but I'm trying to get the understanding of okay where is the line of communication?

 

What I'm saying is, I wouldn't have knocked his choice out the way, it would've just been better for us to be on the same page. I came here to get a better understanding of my reaction, plus more stuff on top of that, so even though this isn't a major issue for others or compared to what other post. It still bother me in a way, and there's more deeper issues to this than simply it's his body, his choice when in a relationship that technically you're engage....

[j.man]

As long as he's not first-hand donating sperm to a woman and has covered his bases legally speaking, I don't think he should be obligated to communicate the sperm bank donation at all to you.

 

I do think he did the right thing telling you about his intentions with the lesbian couple as that has some capacity to spill over into your life to a degree (say they were to visit you guys and bring the kid with or something).

 

Look, if it's a deal-breaker, then it's a deal-breaker. People have their own criteria for relationships and that's fine. But fundamentally speaking, this particular matter is not something for you two to need to be on the same page on. This is strictly his page.

 

For the record, I would say the exact same if a woman wanted to donate her egg while she was with someone.

[Batya33]

It tells me that you two have different understandings of what it means to be bf/gf. For example, would you tell him if you were thinking of making a big purchase like a car? Or thinking of buying a house?

[RainyCoast]

why are people all over the place on this. it's not even about the sperm bank. he can do with his seeds what he wants- provided he has legal drafts on his involvement with the progeny it's of no concern to OP. we get that much.

 

the issue is the absurd way he's ignoring the fact she wants children out of this relationship and he doesn't. when you hit that point it's fair to say we can't give one another the future we want so let's not limit one another or waste one another's time. the fact that he puts more effort into providing a kid for pretty much any anon out there than even trying to have one with the woman he's proposing to isn't the main issue, but it is extra fun.

 

personally, i'd not mind what he does with his little swimmers. i'd mind if my partner suggested i merge my fate with his but completely disregard the fact there won't be children in it- if children was what i explicitly wanted from a relationship, as op does.

[lovehelp1995]

Yea I would. I actually I would.

[lovehelp1995]

Yea, I don't get why people are still speaking on that sperm bank. Like I've said it a lot him donating isn't the problem, but hey I'm hearing everyone out and letting people speak.

 

But yea, you've been very attentive about it all. Thank you very much.

 

Looking at your responses I already know we need to have a final what's our future looking like talk. And if it fails, then separate ways we go. Don't want my feelings to get ignored when I'm always there for him.

[j.man]

I didn't read the part where OP is on a leash and can't leave without the guy dumping her.

 

She wants kids, he doesn't. He knows she's a big girl and can weigh whether he's worth staying with if it means she can't have kids. If she keeps pushing the issue on trivial things like this, then maybe he'll go ahead and make the decision the OP has been more than capable of coming to herself.

 

Just because she's upset he doesn't want more kids doesn't mean OP should be chiding him for independently making harmless reproductive choices.

[TMifune]

There have been cases where sperm donors have been successfully sued for child support. Not to add to anyone's concerns.

 

I would never recommend waiting for someone to "change their mind" about something like having kids. If you're comfortable with the relationship as it is, then continue it, but I'd assume that he'll never want kids and use that to gauge how comfortable you are. Many people change their minds as they get older, but you can't rely on him changing his mind.

[lovehelp1995]

Yea we had a mini talk about this before he had to go to work. He said that right now he doesn't, and his mind can change, but like you said I don't think I can wait especially. We have to talk more of course cause we really couldn't go in depth.

[lovehelp1995]

Lmao, first never said I was UPSET. Said I was HURT and MADE ME FEEL A CERTAIN WAY, AND BOTHERED.

 

I do know I can leave whenever I want...100% FULLY AWARE of that. I came here for advice on how to handle the situation as far as communication and that's where I felt left out at, so we can fix it.....Cause obviously when couples go through things the first thing they do is break up/divorce before talking and hearing each other out (that's sarcasm for those who don't catch it lol). I understand you want to be the voice for males, but seems like you're really just selecting pieces and running with that one sentence and responding.

 

I do hear you and see what you're saying, but there's no way I have to keep repeating things I already said and you're still bringing it in like that's the problem.

 

Never did have a problem with him donating. Problem is COMMUNICATION AND WHAT OUR FUTURE IS COMING TO, Not upset; HURT.

[lovehelp1995]

Didn't see this message. See now I agree. And I get it understand this better. And I knew he didn't speak about legal stuff and that's where the problem lies. Cause its like okay, he donated our life move on. And then he get sued and what not and things happen...and we're still together now I'm dealing with this drama, now this was HIS stuff back then, now say we're married...now our stuff became one. Now his problems is our problems, and I still look at it like that now without us being married. His problems are our problems because I'm gonna be his backbone and support through it all. So that's why I just don't see what's wrong with talking about it. He doesn't always make the best decisions and things often backfired on him cause he was doing HIS own thing and I was there for him I'm his downfalls.

[j.man]

The only problem is that you're staying with a man you know doesn't want more children and then using matters you yourself admit aren't the problem (such as the sperm bank) as a vessel to rant your insecurities due to that fundamental difference between the two of you. The guy isn't selfish as some are claiming. He has flat out told you.

 

Couples go through issues. One wanting a kid while the other doesn't isn't an issue. It's straight incompatibility.

 

So if advice is what you're after, half some self-respect and pursue someone who does want kids if they are such a big deal to you rather than staying with him in hopes that he changes his mind while you build up obvious resentment and choose to take it out on him using irrelevant issues as a means to do so.

 

Respecting other people's right to privacy and thinking someone's partner should directly communicate an issue instead of using other gripes to convey their "hurt" and "bother" (sorry, not upset) isn't a speaking for men thing. It's a speaking for grown adults thing.

 

PS - People don't get sued simply for donating sperm. They get sued because they failed to use the proper legal channels to do so-- e.g. through a licensed physician or institution sanctioned to facilitate a donation.

[agent1607307371]

I didn't read the part where OP is on a leash and can't leave without the guy dumping her.

 

She wants kids, he doesn't. He knows she's a big girl and can weigh whether he's worth staying with if it means she can't have kids. If she keeps pushing the issue on trivial things like this, then maybe he'll go ahead and make the decision the OP has been more than capable of coming to herself.

 

Just because she's upset he doesn't want more kids doesn't mean OP should be chiding him for independently making harmless reproductive choices.

 

But he does want kids. He even told her that part of this was because she hasn't gotten pregnant yet so she's making him miss his chance.

[j.man]

But he does want kids. He even told her that part of this was because she hasn't gotten pregnant yet so she's making him miss his chance.

So now I'm really failing to see the problem. Has he stopped having sex with her and chosen to exclusively ejaculate in a cup for other people? If that's the case, sure, I understand her being hurt and bothered.

 

So it is really about the sperm bank?? Some of the OP's writing is a bit difficult to decipher, but unless he has stopped having sex with her and stopped trying to have a kid, I don't see the link.

 

I read that he has repeatedly told her he doesn't want kids, though the OP wrote it off as a joke.

[lovehelp1995]

Basically, he and I have sex, we haven't been lately since we've been working....only been a month since the last time we had sex.

At this point everything got so twisted around its gotten crazy. I was shocked about the sperm bank. So my reaction to him came accross as angry. Just was speechless and surprised he came to that decision. Yes his body, his choices. Whatever. He said he was did it for the money. He then asked while still in shock about the sperm bank situation, my feelings on him helping a lesbian friend. He and I talked last month and which he said that he don't think I can get pregnant and he thinks that by him getting older it'll make it difficult for me to become pregnant with him. Towards the beginning of our relationship, we spoke of children, how many we wanted all that jazz. Rarely spoke on it again. He asked me to marry him, said yes. Relationship goes on he have issues with the mother of his child and his inner self. He jokes and says he doesn't want kids. Left it as a joke since that's what he does. Now today...present day I asked basically about our future when it come to children and whatever he says not now, but maybe later.

 

It hurts knowing you want kids, you both talked about this at a point...yes things changed, people changed. Just look at it as if you can help everyone else dreams come true with giving them a child. And taking that risk, how hard is it to have your fiancée be happy. Especially with her always being by his side with his choices even if it's not my thing. Get what I'm saying. I guess I just out too much care into people and expect that in return.

[agent1607307371]

Sounds to me like he's acting this way because of the problems with his child's mother. This way he doesn't have to have kids with you in case it all goes wrong, but he gets to have kids.

[lovehelp1995]

Yea that's why I said feel it's much deeper, maybe that would've helped if I said that earlier and made my story clearer. So hopefully when we talk we can come to terms. Thanks.

[toby17]

Lmao, first never said I was UPSET. Said I was HURT and MADE ME FEEL A CERTAIN WAY, AND BOTHERED.

...

 

Problem is COMMUNICATION AND WHAT OUR FUTURE IS COMING TO, Not upset; HURT.

 

I don't know who you're responding (since you don't use quotes or refer to people by username) or why you're so bothered about their labelling your feelings as "hurt".

 

I'm not quite sure why the distinction matters to you so much.

 

There are only 4 basic emotions: glad, mad, sad and scared. And a person who is upset is usually, almost always, hurt.

 

I do know I can leave whenever I want...100% FULLY AWARE of that. I came here for advice on how to handle the situation as far as communication and that's where I felt left out at, so we can fix it.....Cause obviously when couples go through things the first thing they do is break up/divorce before talking and hearing each other out (that's sarcasm for those who don't catch it lol).

 

You seem to be missing the point. Trying to communicate with this guy is a waste of time. There I said it - a WASTE OF TIME.

 

He's told you by his actions what he thinks - you're just not listening.

 

You have no long term future with him, so trying to communicate with him might sound like a lofty goal, but at the end of the day, you would be better of cutting your losses.

[journeynow]

Donating to the sperm bank...money.

The couple: just to donate.

He's given before to friends and family...even if it was his last.

He's given sperm to friends and family before?

 

Does he view it similar to donating blood? You view it more significant, more like a kidney? (The first one you might do without discussing to your significant other. The second you'd at least mention ahead of time.)

[journeynow]

Just look at it as if you can help everyone else dreams come true with giving them a child. And taking that risk, how hard is it to have your fiancée be happy. Especially with her always being by his side with his choices even if it's not my thing. Get what I'm saying.

 

Donating sperm and having a child are different. Donating is a single effort. Parenting is for decades.