Why don't I know? Please help!

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years; he was my first "real" boyfriend. So why don't I know if I want to marry this guy or not?

Never mind the fact that he does not seem interested in marriage. I figure I need to know myself first whether I even want to get married...and I don't know. How do I figure this out? Is this something most people just know?

Is there a difference between knowing you want to get married generally and knowing you want to get married to one specific person?

I'm so confused and would appreciate any insight...

Depends on how old you are.

Eight years is a long time, but it might just mean you're not interested in getting married. I assume you love him, I mean 8 years, yeah, and love doesn't automatically mean you want to marry someone.

It depends if you don't think you want to marry him or if you don't think you want to spend the rest of your life with him. If its the latter, you might want to rethink being with this guy. There is a difference.

After 8 years, if you don't know, then it's probably no.

And if you don't want to marry at all, then it's still no to this guy.

But if neither of you are interested in marriage, what's the difference?

Is there some reason why you feel the need to decide if you want to marry him? Are you unhappy with the way things are right now?

Depends on how old you are.

We're both 28 this year.

It depends if you don't think you want to marry him or if you don't think you want to spend the rest of your life with him. If its the latter, you might want to rethink being with this guy. There is a difference.

I'm always hesitant to state definitively today what I want to be doing at some remote future point...how's that for a response? lol does that make me a commitment-phobe? I think I know that I want family.

Is there some reason why you feel the need to decide if you want to marry him? Are you unhappy with the way things are right now?

I think mostly because I can't tell anyone how long I've been with him without the marriage talk stuff. It doesn't really bother me that much, but maybe I should be embarrassed or something, like this guy obviously does not see me as marriage-worthy? Also because I'm starting to feel like if I have children it should happen soon, although I don't really believe we need to be married for that, so I'm not sure why that factors into my thinking. As to whether I am unhappy with how things are (the difficult question), I think I am just confused with respect to a lot of things right now, things that I can't talk to him about unless I at least have some more clarity in my own head. Hopefully some of that made sense.

No, that's totally fine. I wish more people were like that, I think more relationships would last if people quit worrying so much about the future.

Okay, at 28, you probably should kind of know what you want about marriage, but you're not old, you still have tons of time.

You can still have a family without the mess of a marriage.

I'm 16 and I really know for a fact that marriage is NOT in my future.

Is there a difference between knowing you want to get married generally and knowing you want to get married to one specific person?

 

I think everyone wants a committed, loving relationship........whether that means marriage or not depends on that persons own wants. For most people, marriage is the act which signifies the deep, loving commitment they have for each other. However, as we know, being married does not necessarily equal commitment. There are plenty of marriages where the partners are not committed to each other.

Perhaps the fact that your boyfriend seems lukewarm about marriage is possibly causing you these doubts and confusion? Is your relationship a committed one.........is there are deep love and affection there or is it simply two people co-existing in a relationship, or perhaps two people scared to be out of a relationship?

I think mostly because I can't tell anyone how long I've been with him without the marriage talk stuff. It doesn't really bother me that much, but maybe I should be embarrassed or something, like this guy obviously does not see me as marriage-worthy? Also because I'm starting to feel like if I have children it should happen soon, although I don't really believe we need to be married for that, so I'm not sure why that factors into my thinking. As to whether I am unhappy with how things are (the difficult question), I think I am just confused with respect to a lot of things right now, things that I can't talk to him about unless I at least have some more clarity in my own head. Hopefully some of that made sense.

Do you think that your biological clock coupled with the norms of the society in which you currently find yourself could be conspiring to confuse you?

Have the two of you not discussed this through 8 years? Do you live together - or ever tried that?

How committed and involved are you in each others lives?

What sort of plans for the future have you made together; if any? Do you live day by day?

I do think there is a difference between knowing you want to get married and knowing you want to marry or not one particular person.

First one deals with a sense of individual direction. The second, direction in a partnership of some sort.

Sometimes one can influence the scale the other way. Depends on your priorities. As an example; I know I do not particularly want to marry, in general. However, there has been one person who had me feeling otherwise. It depends entirely on the person.

Others; they might make marriage the more important piece of the puzzle. They may sacrifice a loving relationship in order to pursue chances at marriage.

Depends on your priorities. And I agree that approx. at your age, I had a lot of the same confusion and re-assessing of this as well. It's rather common to choose a new direction or recommit to the one chosen as well after being in a relationship for a long time. The question is: where do I and we want to be going?

tc.

Perhaps the fact that your boyfriend seems lukewarm about marriage is possibly causing you these doubts and confusion? Is your relationship a committed one.........is there are deep love and affection there or is it simply two people co-existing in a relationship, or perhaps two people scared to be out of a relationship?

Sometimes I think that his lukewarm attitude is why I don't know whether I want to marry; it could be like a defense mechanism. I'm quite proud by nature and have self-esteem issues and so perhaps I've convinced myself I am the one who does not want to marry so that I don't have to face reality? The thing that bothers me is that I don't know how I feel really - like I don't know if how I feel is really how I feel or if it's some response to something external and it's not really me.

I believe there is love and affection. He is basically my only friend and that is not good, but it's true. Without him in my life, I'd be quite lonely. He's got loads of friends.

Unfortunately, I have no other romantic relationship to compare this one to, and so I look to forums like this for objective advice. Thanks all

I don't think you want to get married to him. I am actually in the same boat as you, only I have been with my boyfriend for going on 6 yrs instead of 8. Is there more to him and his attitude that you don't want to say? I can tell you that from experience, I couldn't see myself marrying the man that I am with today. I am more or less with him out of convience. There have been some issues between us in the past and I can't get over some of the things he has done to me (no cheating) and some of the things he has said. He also pushed my family away. Made them feel like outsiders and very low. In a way, I blame myself for this because I could have put a stop to it, but I was too weak. Now, I am getting ready to move on. I keep on telling myself that I couldn't marry him even if he talked about it. And I definitely can't see him as being a father. He's not a sensitive person.

Do you think that your biological clock coupled with the norms of the society in which you currently find yourself could be conspiring to confuse you?

Yes, most definitely. How do I get them to shut up so I can think straight? lol

Should I seek professional help? Is there some kind of questionnaire I can fill out?

I sometimes wish I could just dive in instead of thinking about everything so much all the time. I'm so afraid of making mistakes that I'm paralyzed.

Yes, most definitely. How do I get them to shut up so I can think straight? lol

 

Should I seek professional help? Is there some kind of questionnaire I can fill out?

 

I sometimes wish I could just dive in instead of thinking about everything so much all the time. I'm so afraid of making mistakes that I'm paralyzed.

Well, I can tell you that if I had it to do over I would have kept a counselor I trusted on speed dial and consulted with him or her before all major life decisions. They can really help sort things out in ways friends sometimes cannot.

It sounds to me like the two of you are just coasting along...he has become a habit to you and if the relationship ends then you are left alone. People who want to get married just know it..they feel it. The fact that you don't feel it suggests to me that you are not interested in marriage with this guy. If you were interested you would probably have spoken to him by now. Most women who are itching for marriage and have been with someone this long would have started talking about it long ago..even the women with self-esteem issues. Ambivalence generally means no. As for children...well, lots of people have children and are not married...just because that is the trend these days doesn't make it the best option. Marriage affords certain legal rights that living together just doesn't...that's regarding financial matters and even child support and custody issues if there is a relationship split.

I believe there is love and affection. He is basically my only friend and that is not good, but it's true. Without him in my life, I'd be quite lonely. He's got loads of friends.

I think this adds to your confusion - separating your romantic feelings toward him from your dependence on him for friendship. If you had other close friends, perhaps you would have left him long ago? At the very least, having other close friends would make it clearer for you exactly what it is you feel for him.

I agree with diabolik, if you had a circle of friends outside of the relationship, then the answers might be more clear to you; You'd have another frame of reference to look at the relationship from.

Do you work/ see anyone in your daily life that you might want to become friends with? Do you play any sports or do other kinds of group activities on a regular basis? Does your family live nearby and are you close with them?

Having other close relationships in your life would probably be a positive thing even if it didn't help you sort out your thoughts on mariage.

I think mostly because I can't tell anyone how long I've been with him without the marriage talk stuff. It doesn't really bother me that much, but maybe I should be embarrassed or something, like this guy obviously does not see me as marriage-worthy? Also because I'm starting to feel like if I have children it should happen soon, although I don't really believe we need to be married for that, so I'm not sure why that factors into my thinking. As to whether I am unhappy with how things are (the difficult question), I think I am just confused with respect to a lot of things right now, things that I can't talk to him about unless I at least have some more clarity in my own head. Hopefully some of that made sense.

SOCIAL PRESSURE TO GET MARRIED! Don't listen to it, unless you arent happy in your relationship. You dont NEED to get married. It drives me mad, times have changed so much over the years, women have evolved, relationships are different now. I also get sick of people questioning thirty-somethings who are single, there is nothing wrong with that these days.

I agree with diabolik, if you had a circle of friends outside of the relationship, then the answers might be more clear to you; You'd have another frame of reference to look at the relationship from.

 

Do you work/ see anyone in your daily life that you might want to become friends with? Do you play any sports or do other kinds of group activities on a regular basis? Does your family live nearby and are you close with them?

 

Having other close relationships in your life would probably be a positive thing even if it didn't help you sort out your thoughts on mariage.

Agree with this.

I agree with diabolik, if you had a circle of friends outside of the relationship, then the answers might be more clear to you; You'd have another frame of reference to look at the relationship from.

 

Do you work/ see anyone in your daily life that you might want to become friends with? Do you play any sports or do other kinds of group activities on a regular basis? Does your family live nearby and are you close with them?

 

Having other close relationships in your life would probably be a positive thing even if it didn't help you sort out your thoughts on mariage.

Well, I'm back in school now for what is hopefully the last degree I'll ever have to get and I've met quite a few people. I haven't really meshed with anyone except for one person, and I have talked to her a bit about my feelings. Her opinion was that my thinking was really muddled and not clear and I can't argue with her there.

I'm not comfortable talking to my family about these kinds of things. I have recently reconnected with an acquaintance from a few years back, and perhaps if I get to know her better, I could talk to her about it. I'm slow to trust, though, and I tend to be too hard on most people. That's why maybe professional help would be better because in general I don't have much faith in the relationship skills of my peers. But I do agree that I need another frame of reference.

I will say that he is definitely the only person I feel I can really depend on, and he continues to show how much he cares for me - it's just not in the form of a ring

I'm concerned more so that you don't have other friends or any family to confide in. Therapy would be a really great option for you. It's not about him giving you ring entirely; it's more about a) whether or not you are a whole, indepedent and confident person without him and b) if you feel that you want to marry him independent of whether he proposes to you. Best of luck!

Do you feel depressed? That can sap you of the energy to have friends and to make decisions.

I think your primary need at the moment is to find ways of making friends - and if you tend to overthink and are very aware of what others expect of you, that's probably a hard thing for you to do. There is no RIGHT way to make friends, no way a friendship HAS to be. Join people for coffee, ask someone with a nice smile if you can sit by her, invite people round for a takeaway...

I bet he's so scared of being your only resource in life that he daren't even consider tying himself to you in marriage. But it sounds as though you know he loves you. Do you not talk about these things? You could say, "Do YOUR friends ever put pressure on you about the whole 'single' thing?"

Actually, good point - if you have no friends, who is putting the pressure on you?

I'm inclined to say you "don't know" because he was your first real relationship. You havent had any much worse relationships to compare him with and realise how great (or not) he is!

I think it's understandable that you are not sure when you can't compare with at least one other past relationship.

Just.. don't be ambivalent about a great guy. Does he make you happy most of the time? Laugh most of the time? Is he kind and compassionate? Is he loyal? Do you trust him?

If so.. you can chose him to be the one.

Do you feel depressed? That can sap you of the energy to have friends and to make decisions.

 

I think your primary need at the moment is to find ways of making friends - and if you tend to overthink and are very aware of what others expect of you, that's probably a hard thing for you to do. There is no RIGHT way to make friends, no way a friendship HAS to be. Join people for coffee, ask someone with a nice smile if you can sit by her, invite people round for a takeaway...

Making friends is an issue. This year I went away for school and out of quite a large class, most people were also away from home. We were all in a new town and we were all strangers. Everyone else seems to have managed to form little groups of friends that they went out with, studied with, etc. I had made a couple of "friends", only to have one act entirely passive aggressive and even rude to me on occasion, but yet she still acted like we were friends. And so I cut her off, because I have a really low tolerance for people like that. I made another "friend" who I honestly believe sees me as the school friend that she can use for help and other school related stuff but won't involve me in any of her social activities (this after I invited her to play volleyball with me and I always let her park for free in my parking spot so she did not have to use public parking when we went). I feel like she does not really respect me and I really went out of my way to help her out with things and be nice to her. This person even took an idea I had for this summer and kind of appropriated it as her own thing. She could have said, "Hey, want to do this thing together?" But she didn't. And still I am nice to her. I kind of feel like if I can't make friends in an environment like that, I can't make them anywhere. Maybe I'm too picky. Or maybe I'm depressed and focus too much on the bad qualities of people. I did make effort to meet people though, much more effort than I had in the past.

I bet he's so scared of being your only resource in life that he daren't even consider tying himself to you in marriage. But it sounds as though you know he loves you. Do you not talk about these things? You could say, "Do YOUR friends ever put pressure on you about the whole 'single' thing?"

Funny, just last week he encouraged me to go out with an acquaintance of mine who lives a couple of hours away from me. I asked this acquaintance if we could meet half way, and it was like I didn't say anything at all, since she insisted on meeting really close to her house. I had to tell her it was just too far for me there, and she did not even bring up my suggestion about meeting half way. And so we cancelled our plans. And my boyfriend said, "What would you do if we broke up? You would not have anyone to go out with". But why would I even want to go out with someone who was ok with me having to drive 1.5 hours and she having to drive like 15 minutes for us to meet? I told my boyfriend that I'm fine on my own and that unlike other people, if I did not have any friends, I still think I'd get along just fine, but that was pride talking

Most of his friends are single. And I don't talk about these things because I don't know what I want myself. I know he loves me. And he talks about his future plans with me in a roundabout way. He has told me he has no intention of breaking up with me, and that if he was not serious about us being together he would have ended it long ago.

Just.. don't be ambivalent about a great guy. Does he make you happy most of the time? Laugh most of the time? Is he kind and compassionate? Is he loyal? Do you trust him?

 

If so.. you can chose him to be the one.

He does make me happy, I really enjoy his company, and he is really great at things I am not good at, and so he helps me out a lot. I know I'm his priority.