Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 24

Thread: My professor wants to date me... help!

  1. #1
    MissJaneDoe

    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Posts
    1

    Unhappy My professor wants to date me... help!

    So I find myself in a rather complicated situation. One of my college professors, whom we will call "Jeremy," has taken a liking to me. I took a class with him and did well, so I agreed to work as an assistant with him last semester. It became evident throughout this semester that he had an unusual and unprofessional fondness for me... texting me to say hello, awkwardly pointing out he is single, placing a lingering hand on my shoulder, and, finally, asking me to go out to eat with him. The semester is now over but the flirting hasn't stopped: he still texts me, recently asked me out again, and finally - here is the new complication - has sent me a friend request on Myspace.

    I would normally ask someone to leave me alone, but the problem is that Jeremy is a professor in my major and I will very likely have to take another class from him. Here is the further complication: he is best friends with the head of the department, so I cannot complain to the head either. I do not want to give him a rejection talk when the situation would be so very awkward in the months I would be required to see him.

    I feel so angry that I worked so hard to do a good job as an assistant, rightfully earning a good recommendation and reference from Jeremy, and I am afraid I will be forced to throw this away if I have to reject him.

    Here is my question: I can handle the rest of everything until I graduate, but I do not want to accept him as my friend on Myspace, allowing him more access to my personal life than I want. I am torn between just ignoring the request (and accepting the possible awkwardness that would ensue), and accepting the request (which I do not want to do, but perhaps it is worth it to avoid how awkward things would be given the close contact I will likely have to have with him in order to graduate in nine months).

    Please help!

    Sincerely confused in Oregon

  2. #2
    Creative

    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    1,014
    Gender
    Male
    "There's a high likelihood that I've mistaken your intent, but I just want to be clear and make sure that you know I don't see you in that kind of a way", and then ignore his friend's invite and act like nothing happened next time you see him. You never know, maybe your friendliness have caused this misunderstanding in the first place. So you have to tell him what it really is.

  3. #3
    Ammy
    Gold Member Ammy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Sydney, Australia
    Age
    33
    Posts
    1,452
    Gender
    Female
    You could probably ignore the friends request. Is it like Facebook where a person can't see anything about the profile unless they are a friend? If so, how will he even know you logged onto myspace and saw his friends request? You could be like me and have an account but only log on once every 6 months?

    Oh it's an awkward situation! Hope everything works out for you!!

    Ammy

  4. #4
    Blue Streak
    Gold Member Blue Streak's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    551
    Gender
    Male
    You know what you want to do. You are right. Just do it. It is best for your current and your future. Period. Move on.

  5. #5
    coyote1980
    Silver Member coyote1980's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Age
    36
    Posts
    491
    Gender
    Female
    ^^second that

    Before you do it though, make sure you have some evidence(of him making moves on u) .
    It might come in handy later(Hope NOT though)...

  6. #6
    Blue Streak
    Gold Member Blue Streak's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    Arizona
    Posts
    551
    Gender
    Male
    You know in your heart what is best for you. You know what you need to do. It really is that simple. So you gotta deal with him in a few months when you grad. So what? You really think that will be of main priority to you come that time frame?

    For some reason, I though my prior post #4 was deleted.

  7. #7
    AnotherBrokenDoll
    Platinum Member AnotherBrokenDoll's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    In a world you will never know of.
    Age
    25
    Posts
    1,876
    Gender
    Female
    Have you thought of being honest with him? Just telling him how you feel and that you are sorry that you don't feel the same but you feel a little awkward with the constant persistance?

    If his a decent guy he'll probably be a little embarrassed and ignore you for a while. I doubt he would fail you on purpose - if he is a decent guy.

  8. #8
    coyote1980
    Silver Member coyote1980's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Age
    36
    Posts
    491
    Gender
    Female
    Quote Originally Posted by AnotherBrokenDoll [Register to see the link]
    Have you thought of being honest with him? Just telling him how you feel and that you are sorry that you don't feel the same but you feel a little awkward with the constant persistance?

    If his a decent guy he'll probably be a little embarrassed and ignore you for a while. I doubt he would fail you on purpose - if he is a decent guy.
    The problem is we don't know that for sure.

  9. #9
    Lucy__lou
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Australia
    Age
    37
    Posts
    881
    Gender
    Female
    It really sucks that he's put you in this position.

    I would be so angry. You haven't really given us much of a guide as to whether his unprofessionalism comes from wanton disrespect, or cluelessness, or outright abuse of power or what, but here's some suggestions. they may or may not be appropriate or wise.

    THE NO SYMPATHY APPROACH

    Best case scenario that I can think of is that you confront him on his behaviour. List all the things that he's done which cross the line of professionalism, and tell him how angry you are (if you are that is) that he's put you in this position where you feel like you have to be nice to him because of the power dynamic, and because you need him as a professional reference. Tell him that from now on, you expect him to treat you professionally like all other professors are expected to with their students, and that he'd better not sulk because he brought it on himself and you shouldn't pay a price for his mess up. And that he should not try to cross the line with any other students in the future because it's not fair.

    If you did this, it would not give him any chance to try for sympathy. He would be faced with the knowledge that if he didn't snap out of it and start treating you with professional respect that he will be damaging your career just the way all the policies predict it will when people in positions of power try to cross the line with people in positions of less power.

    THE SYMPATHETIC APPROACH

    Kindly tell him that you got his friend request, and that you don't want to be communicating on facebook, or in any way other than professionally, and that you have a rule of keeping a line between your personal and professional life, and that you really value him as a professional contact and don't want to do anything to lose that. Ask him point blank if he has a crush/feelings for you. If he tells you how he feels, hear him out, sympathise, tell him you're flattered, and sorry that you don't feel the same way, but also tell him that you wish he'd kept it to himself, because it's not fair for him to put you in this position. Check in with him (as many times as necessary) to see that he's strong enough to continue on with the professional relationship that he owes you (because you've done nothing wrong).

    So basically, confront him, and either let him know he's not going to get away with subjecting you to his unprofessionalism and won't put up with any sulking, or be nice and clear, so he will have no excuse for being upset at you.

    I'm sorry you've been put in this situation. I think some people in power don't realise how they can sabotage innocent people's careers by being selfish.

  10. #10
    CaptainPlanet

    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Australia
    Age
    32
    Posts
    4,227
    Gender
    Male
    Thanked
    1
    You shouldn't have been his assistant. You shouldn't have accepted the offer. Did it not seem unusual just offered the position to you. Be more careful in the future. You need to take care of yourself and not rely on others to do it for you or eventually there will be no one there to help.

    You need to deal with the consequences of your actions on this one.

  11.  

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Top Threads
Current boyfriend/girlfriend
Are they taller than you?
male friend likes me....not recipicated
So I have this male friend (as the title says) who likes me a lot. He wants a relationship. I however I did tell him a while ago my feelings are
Having crush with coworker
Dear All, I got this crush that is hindering my life. This new colleague just joined my company 1 month ago. Currently she is attached to my
Should I text her
First of all I want to apologize if I have done any mistakes, if you can't understand something ask me and I will try to explain. So I'm 17 and I
Does this girl like me ?
Hey guys , there is a girl I work with that I like a lot, we have a lot in common and I think we share a bit of attraction for eachother. she flirts
I need help
I recently broke up with my ex of three years. It was a very abusive relationship, not physically but emotionally and mentally. I was controlled and
In love with best friend
Hi. I feel really silly writing this. Basically, I think I'm in love with my best friend, I think about him all the time and we spend a lot of

Featured Threads
I would kill just to talk to her again:(
I know, it's pathetic. But it's been 6-7 weeks, post breakup, and I text her only once during that time, which was a short and uplifting text, but to
One year after my wife left, am I ready to move on?
My three year marriage came to an end about a year ago. During the three years, we were very happy, mainly because I was extremely giving. She came
Girlfriend Problems
My friend and I have had a "thing" for about a year now and we're technically dating. We both love each other and we've grown very comfortable around
Too much confusion...
About month ago I felt perfect , everything was going just fine, I mostly stopped thinking about my ex,and then bam - she contacted me. She contacted
Did I do the right thing? Dating a guy with kids whos living with his baby mama
Okay so basically I struck up a friendship with someone online who told me he had three kids and he was still living with his baby mama. The big red
How to make things up with my family?
Hi all, About a couple of weeks ago, I had an argument with my parents that escalated into something way bigger than it should have been, and
She isn't happy with me anymore.
Hi, I just found out about this site and I decided to ask you guys for help. I've been dating a girl for 4 months. She has anxiety and sometimes gets
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •