This is my life... welcome to it

My Daily Routine:

I force myself out of bed Thinking to myself ("Whats the point?") I go to my job which I enjoy but pays jack and is only part time. I am pretty much the IT department so I get to help a bunch of computer illierates with their silly little computer problems, like how to send an email using outlook, and how to find a document on their hard drive. I really like the people but their computer illiteracy irks me to no end. Of course I try not to show this as it could be detrimental to my job. I've been sending out Resumes to try find another job but I feel like I am just spinning my wheels. My whole life feels like this, and I feel as if any second I am gonna collapse...

I am 23 years old and still live with my parents so that means I get to deal with my family and their bull * * * * as soon I get home. I get to hear my domineering 11 year old sister yell, demand things, critisize me, and occasional call me and other people names. Whenever I try to explain her behavior to my mom, who is the queen of denial BTW, she tries to rationalize her behavior by saying: "You're all older so she feels she has to comepte with you guys" It's always "our" fault never hers.Their is absolutely no excuse for her behavior. Then you have my 21 year old sister who is even more emotionally immature and unstable then the eleven year old. She doesn't know how to drive nor does she have a job. She is very demanding and curses a lot. It's really demoralizing to hear. Then you have my Dad who have resented for many years. He helps me out but is extremely criticial, demeaning and at times verbally abusive growing up. He even does it to my mom. I can't stand it, I wanna move out, but don;t have the financial means, their's really no relatives I can stay with (atleast none I can trust).

You would think I can get away from all this just by going out with some buddies for a drink or with a girlfriend?? EHH!HHH!!!! Wrong again! Most of my friends IRL are either away at school, too busy with school and work, or have turned on me all together. And a girlfriend? forget it! A lot of outlet is with people online but the place I go to hang out alot of people aren't fond of me because of some silly internet relationship gone wrong?? Pathetic on all of our parts, eh??

And just to add iceing to the cake I am in debt up to my ears. Not only do I have student loans out of my * * *, but I got credit cards, and other unpaid bills. I can't take any of this anymore.

That why the suicide idea has been floating in my head lately, but don't worry I am not going to do anything drastic just yet. I am giving things til June 23, my 24th birthday, otherwise Sianora! They say suicide is a cowardly act but what is more cowardly, continueing to live your life as a loser, or knowing when it's best to throw in the towel and go out with atleast some dignity intact? They also say those who commit suicide go to hell, even though I am a recent born again Evangelical Christian, I am having alot of doubts about the validity of religion. If 'God' is so filled with love why would he condemn someone who commits suicide to hell? Also if God is about love how come we have to praise, worship, and serve. And if religion is truly the basis of all life, then why their so many religions? wouldn;t their be one authoriative religion? A lot of pain, wars, and violence could be erradicated if we eliminate the mass delusion that is religion.

I have been in and out therapy, different medications, and psych hospitals for depression, it never gets better.Antidepressiants only help so much and therapy is such a waste of time, they (the therapists) don't even know what the hell they;re talking about half time. It doesn;t solve anything. I can't take this anymore, so I am giving life one last chance. Hopefully things will improve, otherwise this life expires June 23, 2007. Wish me luck everyone.

Is there any way your parents could give you a loan or you could get a loan to start paying your debt that way later you can save up, move out, find a dream job & finally start living life the way you wish to on your own terms.

you will ruin other peoples lives too by killing yourself.

No I won't my life doesn;t really affect that many people. And my family? I am sure with the right support they will move on, alot of people's children die everyday. They say that suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness, what more selfish suicide or sitcking around just for sake others and not having to rock the craddle? Why stick around anyways, so second hand relatives and acquantancies have someone they can look down on? uh uh I don;t think so bub. And besides if things improve I most likely will not carry through anyway.

Is there any way your parents could give you a loan or you could get a loan to start paying your debt that way later you can save up, move out, find a dream job & finally start living life the way you wish to on your own terms.

My Parents aren;t exactly well off themselves, and my dad is very frugile about loaning money he's loaned me enough for school, and I can;t get a loan cause my credit is shot to hell.

jman, even though I don't know you I very much empathize with your situation and I am praying for you. You're really being tested right now, and I beg you to KEEP FIGHTING to turn your life situation around, one baby step at a time, and muster every bit of strength from inside to keep picking yourself up every time you fall. You'll just have to do it, and in the end it will all pay off you'll see. Also, draw on the support that this board and other people in your life will have to offer to get you through this.

The KEY thing that I think will solve most, if not all of your problems right now, is to get a new job altogether or maybe a secondary job to supplement your current one. Why would an additional job open new doors for you? Well aside from providing the extra income boost that you'll need to get out of debt, it will give you another distraction outside of the house where some of your problems arise. Keep throwing yourself into work (ideally something you enjoy and pays ok) to have to spend less time at home and having to deal with the family issues. Plus, a different job will also open new social opportunites for you where you'll make more friends and hopefully may even find someone to connect with. To improve your chances of getting a great new or second job, ask experienced folks to help you polish your resume, keep sending them out, interview, and just devote a lot of energy to the job searching process. I imagine this process will likely help take your mind off problems quite a bit in the mean time until you actually land a new job. On the personal front, post an online profile and treat it like a job search where you're devoting time and effort daily to chatting and meeting new people. So, the bottom line here is to keep sending out resumes to fix the work part and posting profiles to help with the personal part. I'm sure this sounds cheesy but know that I'm trying my best to think of ways to help you.

Please hang in there. Remember that there is at least one other person out there (myself) who believes in you and I'm sure there are many others if you'd reach out to them. Please don't give up or else all of my efforts and prayer will have been for nothing which I'm also praying to not be the case. Keep posting on here for support whenever you need, and know that there are many others like myself who are really here for you. God bless.