...Dying and I Need Saving...

Okay, this is my first time ever posting at any forum like this, so please bear with me. I have a lot I need to get off of my chest and hopefully I can find some help to save me in between.

In Decemeber of 2005 I lost my mother to a motor vehicle accident exactly one week before Christmas Eve. She was hit and killed on the side of the road by a half ton truck. She was walking home from the garage where she went to use a payphone because her cellphone was broken. Needless to say my life has been a mess ever since with many complications.

I could never understand why my mom and I always seemed to have so much trouble living life the way we wanted, until the news broke out upon her death. My mother was a very enclosed woman, kept everyone she knew (both family and friends) on a distant tight rope and serious anger issues at times. Issues of which were associated to her life, and the things that had happened to her. If I had known for a moment before she was killed the things she lived with everyday, I am convinced she would still be here today.

I could go into great detail but the problems are long enough to explain on their own without it. The day after my mother was killed I had a sit and talk with my father, whom she was no longer with but still associated with on a certain level because of me. I knew that things in my life seemed weird but the news he dropped on me that day sent my emotions even more so into a complete overdrive. It was then the words came from his mouth: he and my mother were related - she was his niece!! I could feel my heart explode inside, and took a rather severe anxiety attack at the same time. I was speechless. It all slowly starting coming to me and I started to understand the things about my mother that I could never figure out. She was my best friend, my strength - and somewhere inside she really bottled herself up without going anywhere for help, which at that precise moment explained to me the anger issues and emotional problems she had for as long as I could remember. My father took me and started to explain that both he and her planned on telling me after Christmas because they had both knew that he wasn't well by any means, and he didnt want her to have to tell me alone. What irony I thought to myself. I had prepared myself for the loss of my father due to his health, and then I lost her and got the most unbearable news I could ever handle with it. I was, and still am, filled with so many emotions that sometimes I wonder, what it is that keeps me alive here today.

Shortly after her funeral on the 22nd of December, I had went to my aunt's (mom's closest sister who found her when dad took her away years ago) and we tried to manifest some sort of Christmas together, althought it was very dead and uneventful, we knew my mother loved Christmas and was looking so forward to it.

I made her funeral the largest Christmas themed one the funeral home had ever witnessed, in hopes that she would someday hear me when I said, that I didn't blame her, and that I loved her all along, and just hope that she could hear me. Her boyfriend and I did all that we could to make sure that she went to rest with Christmas all around her. It was beautiful.

Shortly after when I had returned to start dealing with her home and her belongings, my father began to give me a hard time with the ways in which things were being dealt with, he knew that there were things that he didnt' want the family that were helping me to see, during the years of which she was taken from them. He really pushed me to endless limits of grief ontop of all that I was already dealing with when I finally told him I am doing what I could considering the hand that I was being dealt. He didn't like what I had to say...his last words to me before he left me in the dust after being daddy's little girl for 22 years was "are you gone crazy and an {mod edit} like the rest of the bunch or what?" I smashed my cell phone that day when I threw it against the wall I took a nervous breakdown, and from that point the family took over dealing with her place and belongings based on my wishes. I was incapable of even being awake at that point after not eating, or wanting to be alive through the whole ordeal. My father for some ill-reason just could not comprehend what the family's problem was with him, when he knew he took her from them and then got her pregenant with me. It was like he was completely immune to what he did as wrong. He eventually took off and left for out west, never speaking to me again. Leaving me to suffer with the life he made and the cards he dealt.

My boyfriend was great support through everything, although I know he musta just been absolutely angered over the whole ordeal. If it weren't for him helping me through I would never have seen today.

I later just recently started to find out my dad had done other unappropriate things as well before he and my mother both disappeared. I found out that I had 7 siblings, although I was only ever told of one by him. He had 6 in his first marriage, and one in his 2nd. All this before he and my mother dissappeared. Both marriages of which rumour has it ended because he did something to one of his children, and he also attempted something to his sister's daughter as well as the story goes.

I have been trying to deal with my mother's sudden death, my father's untimely news, and everything else now for almost a year. I am still no further ahead or behind either way with my grief and I have no direction from places of which I need it.

I can't get help from the government, the province, assistance, no wheres since then and still today. I am slowly drowning in a hole of debts, and I can't afford the help that I need.

I have a lawyer who is slackingly dealing with the case, I am being told that there will not be much of a reward in anyway, and that insurance right now is blaming my mother for what happened. I almost lost my place I live in because of financial difficulties because I have been off of work ever since on Medical leave for Mental Disabilty. My boyfriend works his {mod edit} off each week, but we make just enough to cover rent, and barely enough to cover groceries and bills. I just don't know what to do.

I know I must be forgetting so much that should explained, but as you have probably already figured out I am not well, and I am having a hard time coping. So I am explaining all that I currently can while shaking to death as I type.

I have been perscribed Paxil since March 2006. It seems to be helping however, I am not sure it is a high enough dosage (20mg) I can feel when it kicks in and when it wears off which is not usually a full/complete day. My weight has been greatly fluctuating up and down and is starting to worry me.

The only help I seem to hear is to continue on with my regular life, however without dealing with all that I have embraced, I know that I will eventually die of suffering. I can feel it within myself. I don't know which way to turn.

I have thought of moving home, with my family to get better, to have support all around and etc. Where my boyfriend and I are both living in the city right now, there is no such thing in my 6 years as a real friend, or atleast a friend who has the time to talk to me. He's left a small town himself and worked to get where he is today and he is not willing to relocated to my home town with me because he has a good job and etc. He loves me and wants what is best for me however, if I made the choice to move, it would be alone - and I am already as alone as anything as it is. Being worse off will completely kill any living part of my soul for sure. Or so I am convinced. March 2007, will be four years for he and I, and I love him.

I dream every night about my mother in many ways, just recently most of which have been nothing but nightmares. My financial situation is terrible, I only have $150 right now to do me for groceries for the next 4 weeks for example. It's never ending and I am haunted everyday.

I feel a huge void inside without my mom. It seems to get worse the closer Christmas time is approaching again, which will mark the 1 year anniversary of her death. I was my mother's pride, she was so proud of me. I want to continue to do well to honour her and I've bene looping in circles without direction or help.

I dont know what it is I need, or want from posting all of this, but I need resolve. I am dying more each day inside and it's not getting any better. So much for Thankgiving weekend being upon me, I have nothing to be thankful for right now because of my pain and clouded judgement.

Someone, anyone out there, any directions? I don't want to completely die inside.

~C

i'm falling to pieces, welcome to eNotalone. Seriously. I'm so glad you found this forum. You will certainly get unbiased, yet caring feedback and concern here.

Alright, let's shoot to the heart of the matter here. Basically, you're going through hell right now. As one of our Moderators says in his signature, when you're going through hell, the only way out is to go right through it. In other words, there is always an exit (and not from suicide, may I stress), we just don't see it at the time. Because when we're in the middle of a great deal of pain, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And yes, you're in the middle of it right now. You desperately need structure and stability. Even in the best of times, all of us do. You're decidedly not experiencing the best of times right now, so you need it that much more.

Right now, we need to figure out how to alleviate some of your most pressing concerns related to security. Whatever your feelings are about spirituality and religion, one thing I will say about most churches, is they have programs in place to help people in need. Do you go to any church? If not, you might seriously think about visiting a couple. It seems to me that a Higher Power could offer great healing in your life. Even if you don't believe in one, what can you lose by investigating to see if one exists? Another thing, many churches offer grief counseling for free. I just feel very strongly right now that spiritual sustancence would be an incredibly comforting balm for your soul and heart right now.

As for your other issues...dealing with this mind-reeling news about your father, coming to terms with your mother's death...I don't have answers for that yet. Other posters might. Right now, I'm concerned with your immediate feelings of panic about your financial situation, and again, I strongly feel a church could be of help here.

Finally, someone who hears my story without bias and offers help. I can't stop the water works right now, I've waiting for something for too long.

I am not a highly relgious person, I didn't even believe in God, or as the bible explains atleast. But I did believe in something. Once mom died, I knew I found a new believe in something out there, it was the only thing that carried me through.

I am not sure, but I think I am Catholic. Does it matter where I choose to go based on that?

I won't lie, I am an intelligent person, I am just very clouded on my judgement since all of this has happened. You have no idea to the extent your response has touched me already.

Thank you now and for anything you may help with later.

You are a blessing.

Which province and city do you live in - maybe there is some assistance I can find for you that you have not yet accessed.

In the meantime I think you need to tackle the problems one by one:

For instance:

Seek a grief counsellor - maybe a local church can recommend someone who will do it gratis. Or perhaps your GP may have a recommendation and it can be prescribed under your province's health plan.

See a debt counselor to get your debts consolidated.

See if you can get a free consolation with another lawyer to get the court case dealt with.

I'm so glad I read your post! I hope that doesn't sound insensitive, but I think I may actually have some insight into what you're feeling.

First of all, you're still in shock. That's why you can't function. It's impossible to continue on with your regular life when your regular life basically exploded when your mother died. Your grief is complicated by the secret that was revealed. What helped me most around this time was to write in a journal, write, write, write, hours a day. Write about your mother. Write about your thoughts. Write your life story; this in particular can be helpful. You'll have new insight into yourself and your relationships because you know the truth now.

You don't have to move back to your hometown, but you would benefit from a visit. I have to go home at least once a year, or I basically lose my mind. I don't know why that is, and I don't care, because all I need is a vacation back home. Your boyfriend doesn't have to go with you, but a month back home might straighten you out some.

It's important for you to start organizing things of your mothers. Now is a good time to get out the photo album, and organize photos. Pick out one or two of her that you like and put them up. Cook the recipes that your mother used to cook; make sure you write them down so you have a permanent copy. Buy a bottle of the perfume she used to wear, and use it. And for Christmas, remember how she used to do things, and set them up the same way, but introduce one new thing; an ornament, or flowers for the table.

I'm not surprised your shock has lasted this long, but you need to start making some progress out of it, and that means dealing with the memories and the issues, one by one, letting the emotion come out, the anger, the sorrow, the regrets. Don't let the grieving process take over your whole life, but give yourself a couple of hours a day just to work on it -- and it is work. Don't feel guilty that you're reacting so strongly; these are terrible events in anyone's life. And you will come through.

I'm Falling To Pieces: Sweetheart, what a terrible time you're having. I can't even begin to comprehend everything that you're going through, and it must be truly dreadful for you.

The one thing that shone through was your boyfriend, who has been there for you throughout this nightmare. He sounds very caring, and you do have one person who loves and supports you. I can understand how conflicted you are by the thought of moving back to your family, and staying where you are and with him.

Are you getting any bereavement counselling/other counselling? I don't know what the situation is like in your places, but it sounds to me truly that you need to talk this through with someone, and somehow come to terms with everything that has happened. Also the Samaritans are a wonderful organisation who are available 24 hours to talk to on the phone, and may be a lifeline.

Are you working/studying at the moment? It's quite difficult to know what practical steps to advise knowing little of your current circumstances. Financial worries are so debilitating, and take up a lot of your energies. Again, that's worth investigating and sorting, to get things back on an even footing so you feel less swamped by practical worries.

Have you spoken to your friends and family by phone to tell them how terrible you feel? Sometimes we sense our loved ones are going through hell, but if they don't open up it's hard to help.

I'm sorry, this isn't much help is it? ((((HUGS))))) - Like Scout says, on this forum you *will* get help and support, day or night there are good people onlie, and you can vent and talk through your problems as much as you like.

Keep talking and take care.

I won't lie' date=' I am an intelligent person, I am just very clouded on my judgement since all of this has happened.[/quote']

 

Who wouldn't be in an utter state of shock and confusion right now, after hearing such news and dealing with the death of a beloved parent? And you're more than intelligent: you're a survivor and STRONG. You just can't see it now because of all that's going on, but you are. Otherwise, you would have completely disintegrated by now. Trust me, people have just completely stopped functioning for lesser reasons. I am so glad you have not. One day, you will look back at this time, and, if not exactly feel glad you went through it, you will clearly see it brought out traits of strength, determination, and much, much more that you didn't even know you had. And you know what? I have a feeling you will put those traits to good use for others, as well.

 

Even now, your mind is telling you that you need to get through this. That's why you came here. And I commend you for that.

 

As for your Catholic background, the Catholic Church offers many, many types of assistance for those in need. And there is no shame in asking for it. That's what they're there for! I do feel that it could also lead to getting some kind of grief counseling, as well. Lots of other churches offer all kinds of help and outreach, too. You don't necessarily have to go to a Catholic one. The one reservation I have about Catholic churches...and please forgive me to anyone out there who is a Catholic...is that when you go to their services, there is more ritual practiced than any kind of actual sermon. And you can really benefit a lot from hearing a good kind sermon about the power of God's love, and the fact that He does love you, even in your darkest hours.

 

But, I could be wrong and they actually do have sermons? It's been a while since I visited a Catholic church.

 

Anyway, I digress a bit. But the point is that when you are at the bottom, there's usually no place else to go but up, so don't give up hope. And don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help.

WoW. That surely is alot to deal with...I can't believe how much of a creep your father is, and what's worse his first wife and his sister let him get away with it after he did stuff with their daughters...only enabling him to hurt others.

I don't know what much to tell you except you need to talk to people about all of this, it's good that your bf is there but working hard and all he probably doesn't have much time..so call close family members and talk to them about it, or people in here, if you want to you could pm me as well.

Obviously only time can heal your wounds, but it should be easier if you let off steam by talking about it..and another thing, if your father contacts you in any way don't talk to him not for a second that can only hurt you further

my deep sympathies on the tragic and sudden passing of your mother. the pain over such a loss never really goes away, and it takes a long time to teach yourself how to live with it. and so many times i've seen people lose their sense of judgment when a family member has died and act in all sorts of inappropriate ways. i'm sorry that you are having to put up with this. i wish there was more i could say.

as far as your parents being related, don't let it have any bearing on your own life. you are as normal a person as anyone else. i'm reminded of a saying: "your past is not who you are, it's just where you're from."

May God bless you and keep you! I just found this sight yesterday; and it was a big help to me. When we think we have problems; we often find someone who is worse off than we are.

Your letter really touched my heart; and you will be in my prayers. I lost my Mother; when I wa 13 years old; I am now 58; and I still miss her just as much....but I look for things to remind me of her..her smell...her laugh...the way she sat in the rocking chair and knitted....you will always remember your Mother...now it is painful; but, believe me; it will get better, and you will ENJOY the memories.

I agree; with everyone else; you need to seek out a Church; and put your faith in God....HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU....God is just waiting for you to ASK Him for help.

You are going thru one of the worst times in your life; but you WILL come out on the other side; and you WILL be whole...Just believe that.

This Christmas; celebreate your Mothers life, not her death....on the other side of negative; there is always; the positive.

On a last note; don't be ashamed from where you came...you are here....you have arrived...wrapp yourself up in the Love of your boyfriend; sounds like he is a winner. Your Mother would want you to build a life for yourself; one brick at a time....and that is what you have to do. If you fell you need to go back home; by all means, GO...and remember all the GOOD TIMES you have had with your Mother....look at it; as a positive experience..not one to dread.

I will be thinking of you and praying for you.....MAY GOD BLESS YOU!!

I don't know where to being to tell you where to go, but I also know that the suggestion to go to a church might be very good. It would be very unusual for a church to turn you away, any church for that matter. (One turned me away once, it refused to baptize me as an infant, because I was not of the same ethnicity as their parishoners. Neither my father nor I have ever set fooot in the place again, more than forty years later.) A church, any church should not turn you down.

And if you want to a great discussion of God and why God does exist, try C.S. Lewis' "Mere Chritianity". Trying to understand the Bible is an exercise in trying to understand contradictions. Lewis does a great job on explaining lots of things in rather simple terms.

In the end, I see only one thing that you will need to do, forgive. Forgive your parents, particularly your father, for being the screwed up flawed individuals that they are. However, your road to getting there is not going to be simple or easy. It will be hard and it will take time.

If you need help, if you need simply to vent, if you need just a person to respond, you can always try here. Welcome.

Thank you so much. You have given me some great ideas to incorporate while still having the Christmas I remember that Mom and I always had together. I especially loved the idea of something new added to the way she did things. That really is a good way to keep my memories and yet make new ones at the same time.

As for my boyfriend, yes he has been quite a great help. However the idea of me venturing away for a month just wouldn't do. He is not in for a long distance relationship or for me going away for long periods of time. I went away last for 3 weeks, and not only did he miss me and have his own thoughts being alone, but he was not that thrilled I chose to stay away that long. Although it was something I needed and enjoyed very much so, I got to spend my first while with my new Godson and it was great for my soul.

As for the pictures, I have not been able to put any of them down since the day she died. Maybe it was fear of forgetting her, maybe it was to remember that she's still with me. Either way, each morning I wake up and wash my face, I look more and more like her everyday. I never seen it before when people would say so, but since the day she was gone, I make myself cry.

Your advice has been taken in deep thought, and I thank you for the hope you have given me. Blessings to you.

I have to thank you all for your responses. You have all given me the best gift I have yet to receive since all of the ordeal I faced. I feel a little bit better today knowing that somewhere out there, there are people who will offer friendly advice, not use the events to hurt me and that will listen.

I never realized that anyone would be so understanding.

As for my father, I know where he is now - but he left me without saying "goodbye". A part of me knows that I will never speak to him again, then again a part of me also knows that he and I have unfinished business and becuase he was a part of my life at one point for so long (although as much of a creep he was for his faults) I know if he gets away with passing without my sharing my frustrations of what he's done - I will have much regret. I do not plan to make an attempt to speak to him, however I wish he could hear what I have to say. He hurt me deeply, and now I understand why my mother was hurting so.

As for my mother, if it were not for her wisdom of growing up so quickly and her strength, I know that I would not still be here today. There is much she has given me, and I have no thoughts of suicide in mind. I want to live strong, be prosperous and continue to make her proud. She was not just my mother, she was my best friend...and now - she's my hero. I plan on naming my first daughter after her when I have children to carry on her name as I knew she looked forward to the day of being a grandmother more than anything.

Again, thank you guys so much for the advice you've offered now and that you will offer again later, lord knows that I will need much help from here and everywhere to get through this period in my life. I already know for a fact that it's making me stronger. I can't wait to look back on this and smile for the strength and determination she's given me.

Best Wishes to all of you for now, can't wait to hear from you again.

Happy Thanksgiving! It is an absolutely gorgeous day here, and I'm thankful for that. Before I get the squab in the oven I just thought I'd quickly write to say that I'm glad you're feeling more hopeful. I think the idea of naming your first daughter after her is wonderful. My sister did that, although she used our mother's name as a middle name rather than a first name. It's a way of honouring our mothers, and keeping their presense alive for our children. Yes, you will progress through this. I spoke with a grief counsellor at one point, and will pass along some of her thoughts:

"In the first year, there's usually not a sense of hope. There's a kind of deliberate attempt to put one foot in front of the other...let yourself remember, and welcome the memories as they come. If you need to cry, that's okay, that's part of it....spend some time with the grief, and then get back to the other things you are interested in. Don't let yourself become engulfed in it, but don't fight against it, either. There have to be some healthy distractions, and some healthy decisions, of a deliberate nature, to get on with it...but a quiet time of acknowledging a loss tends to facilitate healing, as long as you've got the landmarks of everyday life to get back to. Try writing a letter to the person who has died, to express some of the feelings and thoughts you may have that you wish you could share with them. And don't feel you have to meet the expectations of anyone else, family or friends, when it comes to the holiday seasons. Do what feels right and comfortable for you."

Now, those are her ideas. These are mine:

I found taking an hour a day to talk out loud to my mother very healing. I believe in life after death, and it helped me to express myself to her. I would run a warm bath, and talk to her, and cry sometimes. I honestly felt she heard me, and that was very helpful.

It's really important to make sure that you look after yourself physically right now. Make sure you keep a regular routine, as much as possible; get enough sleep, and get out of bed in the morning (not the afternoons!). Eat regularly. Go for a walk for 10 minutes a day, at least. You may not feel like doing any of this stuff, but do it anyway. It's important.

Talk to your best friends, or write them. You need that connection to other people who aren't going through grief right now, and who will support you.

In terms of your father, what advice did your mother give you? How did she deal with your father? Give alot of thought to that before you do anything. I was in a similar situation, and, 20 years after the fact, it was my mother's advice that helped me most in dealing with my father. If you want to express your thoughts to him, you could write him a letter. You don't have to send it.

I second the motion for you to find a church you like -- any church will do. Just go in and sit down on Sunday morning. If you're in Ontario, I can tell you we have all kinds of community bereavement services with counsellors available to talk on the phone. You might want to look them up in your area.

Incidentally, as I've got older, I've found I also look more like my mother everyday, which pleases me no end.

Take care.

--

Thanx Juliana. Happy belated Thanksgiving back to you and yours as well. As for naming my first daughter after my mom, her sisters all called her Katy-Did, although that wasn't her real name. I figure Katy would be a good choice and to take her middle name maybe too as a hyphened name. I am sure it will come to me when the day comes.

I am really interested in writing the letter to my mother to talk to her about all of the other things that hold me back each day. A part of me feels like by doing so, it will let her know what has been happening to me and it's also a way of self relief at the same time. As for talking to my mom, I do that all the time. I always take the time out to talk to her when things get really bad, and I always feel her inside when I do. I am thankful that I can do that much and know that she is still with me, and always will be.

As for talking to my friends, or even best friends - that becomes a little bit harder as I don't have all that many friends lately. I have learned since mom passed away, that a lot of my friends that I thought were real were nothing but thieves. Those friends I can count on feel the same grief inside from losing her as well. So with any luck, things will start to get better soon.

My mother never really gave me advice on my father. She always told me to ignore him and his ways if he was bothering me. This was before I knew anything that I found out. We still dont' know what but we knew he held something over her head still until the day she left, simply because she avoided all thoughts or communication about what had happened. She held it all bottled up inside. She dealt with him by telling him where to go when he upset her as far as I could tell. I think writing him a letter is a good key to letting him know how I feel even if he doesn't get it or not, cause he never gave me the chance to recoil in the news he had given me then ran away on.

I am pleased as well that I look like my mom more each day. She was a beautiful woman.

All the best.

I think you should change your name. You don't sound like you're falling apart anymore!

I'm just about to make yet another variation of some turkey leftover thing for dinner, but thought I'd let you know I'm praying for you, and hoping that your grief will carry you into calmer waters soon. I think it's wonderful to be able to feel your mother's love with you when you talk to her. When you talk to your mother, try and remember what your dreams are, what plans you had, and think about what steps you can take to make progress in that direction. You're doing well, I think. Work it through, one day at a time. I know it's hard, but it's worth the effort; you are worth the effort. It will get better.