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Thread: Working through Relationship Anxiety - Stories and Advice

  1. #21
    mgirl's Avatar
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    This is a very good topic. I suffer a lot from anxiety, it is almost paralyzing. I have phobias and sometimes get anxiety attacks.

    I have also pondered how much my anxiety has ruined things for me. Mainly, anxiety has been the cause for much discomfort in the workplace. I have lost jobs because of it, and could have done so much better in my own business if had have been relaxed. My "worst case scenario" mentality has caused me to be paranoid, insecure and afraid. I do not like this feeling.

    I'm not sure how my anxiety has ruined my relationships, but i'd say it would have.

  2. #22
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    OMG! This is so me....

    I was casually browsing this thread and after reading through it, i found someone I knew very well doing these same things --- Myself!

    I never knew there was a name for it but Relationship Anxiety fits the bill perfectly....

    It's amazing because I can see all of the same things mentioned here as things that I do whenever I get involved in a new relationship: you overanalyze, re-read everything and replay conversations in your head trying to find that one statement or clue that you were wrong all along and can do what I call "pre-empt" the eventual break-up in your head so that you won't be surprised when it happens.

    Unfortunately, this anxiety usually is the cause of the breakup because your SO can sometimes feel the discord in you and they start to distance themselves from you which starts the cycle mentioned above. Very tragic!

    I'm in a situation now that although we aren't officially dating we will be pretty soon but the anxiety will appear if she says the wrong thing or doesn't return my texts/calls in a timely manner. My mind starts to wander and I start to doubt that she likes me -- although she has told me many times that she does.

    I hope that I can find a solution that will allow me to enjoy this potential relationship and also be OK if it doesn't work out....

  3. #23
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    It's amazing how similar these all sound. Has anyone found anything that works as a solution?

    Is it finding the right person? Therapy? Anti-anxiety meds?

  4. #24
    Platinum Member I'mThatGirl's Avatar
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    Solutions.... What has worked for everyone?

    Couple things...

    The guy I wrote this thread about.... we've spent a little time together off and on since our split January 08. I have determined that no matter what, if around him, I will be anxious.

    I still have the other anxiety with dating in general. So I kinda just don't date too much. I am contemplating dating someone now though so we'll see how the anxiety goes.

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  6. #25
    Wow, I'm so glad that I found this thread. I have been suffering with this sort of relationship anxiety for years, and in every relationship I've been in it flares up with great intensity. I constantly worry, fret, and over-analyze every single thing that my boyfriend says. Every text message, every post on twitter or facebook.. It's nuts!!

    I'm always questioning his true feelings. "Does he love me as much as I love him? Why didn't he respond to my text message the way that I would expect him to? Why did he comment on his x's thread?" Even though I hear "I love you" from my boyfriend many times a day, and hear many references to the fact that he wants to continue our relationship, I have the hardest time trusting it, and believing it. I don't know why. It's the craziest thing in the world.

    What's even more ridiculous is that he's a straight shooter; if he's got something to say to you, he won't hold it back. He's an extremely honest individual with a big heart and a very good morals. Still, for some reason it is so hard for me to believe that he actually loves me, and wants to be with me.

    No matter how much I realize that this whole thing is almost certainly JUST my anxiety, and something JUST fabricated in my own head - I still worry to the point of nausea and sickness. I spent an hour in the woods today hiking trying to sort out my thoughts, rationally, decisively.. and still I'm left with anxiety.. It is such a monster!!

  7. #26
    Platinum Member I'mThatGirl's Avatar
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    i burn guitars~ Welcome to the site! I'm glad to see you joined and another person that can relate. Maybe we can all learn from each other and overcome this. Do you feel like there's any one thing that would calm your worries with your boyfriend?

    Also, you know you can start a thread and maybe get much more input if you are looking for advice, right? Not that you need to - just wanted to make sure you're aware of that.

    Again - welcome to the board! And hugs to you~~~~

  8. #27
    I can really relate to you. I've been dating my Girlfriend for about a year now. At first I had no anxiety about her and I didn't really think we'd end up together. I grew to love her fairly quickly. We went to a social gathering about 2 months ago and I noticed that she was being hit on by many guys. It really bothered me that she responded to them and was pretty interested in what they had to say. I talked to her about it and she let me know that I shouldn't worry and that she's all mine. That's easier said than done though. Lately i've been overanalyzing everything. I'm really anxious and I know deep down that i'm about to make a sweet relationship go sour. I think my anxieties root from unconscious insecurities. I noticed the more I love myself, the more she and others love me. I guess relationships are a good spiritual practice.

  9. #28

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    So glad to find this!

    I googled relationship anxiety and this is the first site that popped up. I'm so glad to find this and see that there are other people going through the exact same thing as me!

    I think I started to become anxious with relationships after going through a six year period of being single with intermittent dating. The longer I was single, the more I would build up each new date or possibility and the more anxious I would feel that things wouldn't work out. Whenever I found someone I really liked or connected with, my anxiety would build to unbearable levels. I would constantly check to see if the guy had texted or called back, analyze past IM conversations and emails, and run things through my head over and over to the point of obsession. Worse still is I usually end up feeling physically sick due to this anxiety and have trouble sleeping. The end result is I end up looking and acting like a mess and am less fun around my friends and the guy I'm dating.

    I just recently started a relationship with a new guy. Things moved really fast but he did so many positive things to keep my anxiety at bay. Now we are a little over a month into it and my anxiety is coming back. Its so bad, I can hardly focus on work or anything else! I think it stemmed from one disagreement we had and I haven't been able to get rid of it since then! I agree with the other posts on here--that telling my boyfriend about it wouldn't be the best but when I try to talk to my friends, they tell me not to worry and that he really likes me.

    I know I shouldn't worry but I can't stop it! The only way my anxiety is lessened is if he sends me some positive signal. But a relationship shouldn't depend on that. I'm just so worried my craziness will push him away or cause me to break up with him just to get rid of this anxiety!

  10. #29
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    Hi everyone.

    I recently had a very bad anxiety and panic attack that lasted for three days while on holiday with my girlfriend. This was the catalyst for me to seek the help of a psychologist. i started reading as much as i could and started self analysing, particularly looking to find a pattern in my relationship history and the types of partners that i was attracting and being attracted to.

    I encourage each of you to read as much as you can on fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment. I also encourage each of you to look deeply into the relationship each of you had with your parents in your childhood. How did they treat you? You will find that many of your current anxiety and relationship issues are the result of childhood wounding. It doesn't have to be physical or sexual parental abuse. Parental wounding can happen even in the most loving of families. My problems arose because i had parents who loved me too much, resulting in smothering and enmeshment.

    If you are like me, you have a history of unconsciously sabotaging relationships through fear. You want and crave a loving relationship, but when you get into a relationship, your unconscious fears take over and eventually win out, causing you to sabotage the relationship, either by clinging to tightly, withdrawing or getting into a dysfunctional state through depression/anxiety.

    The fear comes from false or negative thinking which is what our ego uses to protect itself and it manifests in irrational displays of affection, unrequited love, giving oneself up in a relationship, excessive attachment, anxiety, panic, self sabotage, seeking emotionally unavilable partners etc.

    Each of you needs to find where the fear comes from. Do you fear someone getting too close or do you fear someone abandoning you or both?

    Do you have poor boundaries in your relationships? Are you afraid to express yourself? do you give yourself up in relationships? Do you feel responsible for the feelings of your partner in a relationship? Do you find it difficult to let go in a relationship and just be in the moment? These are all symptoms of abandonment and engulfment fears.

    The following books are very good;

    How to be an adult - David Richo
    When love meets fear - David Richo
    journey of the heart - John Welwood
    Last edited by atelis; 04-02-2009 at 08:54 PM.

  11. #30

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    I can agree with atelis's viewpoint on the parental wounding. I also found this site by googling relationship anxiety.
    My father has been married 3 times all 3 times been cheated. I've been engaged twice both times cheated on.

    Now I'm 27, and have been dating a wonderful girl for a year. It seems like when the initial bliss of a relationship is over I can't stop asking her what's wrong or being paranoid. We all no that point where, for lack of a better word, a relationship becomes routine. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, but for some reason I always have to think there is something else going on.

    I dunno but thank you for this thread it's helping me to put a lot of this in perspective.

    Jimmy

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