Working through Relationship Anxiety - Stories and Advice

[neverforget]

I am having the same issues. I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half, and I just moved to a different state to go to school, and I was ok for a little while. Him and I would talk fora little while every day, and it wasn't that hard. I have been away from home for almost two months now, and because my boyfriend and I talked so frequently when I moved, we're starting to run out of things to talk about.....and somehow I got it into my head that since we don't talk as much as we used to that something has gone wrong in our relationship, like he's bored with me or doesn't want to talk to me, and sometimes it feels like because we don't talk that he's cheating or something ridiculous like that. I just have a constant worry that something is wrong, and I do talk to him about it and ask him if anything is wrong, and he has assured me many times that everything is fine, I still feel like there's something going on....I have so much anxiety over it, and I have no idea how to cope with it. I keep thinking about what he tells me, that everything is fine, but its not enough to get me through the day...

[iwazwrong]

i have been with the same girl for years now ...i know we are both so far from perfect and she has many of her own flaws but even with all the drama and BS i can never stop loving her. When we are together I do find myself over thinking things she says and does....which leads to arguments based on made up BS...both of us do it...she accuses me i accuse her.....then its a war cause neither of wants to believe what we made up...i think we both totally fit this category and wish I would have been more pro active in the past rather than falling in to the negative downward cycle our relationship becomes....if I would have found this article years ago maybe I could have stopped the finger pointing and accepted more knowing what she tells me is true and its me that makes up the BS that we fight about....sad thing is we have these great kids that are so stuck in the middle of mom and dad not growing up....what are we teaching them...I so want to get help with her cause I do understand a lot more now and see I do have anxiety over things that neither one of us can fix and I need to deal with that...we need to learn to live with whats happened and see and listen to the other without questions are accusations ...for years her own fears have pushed her to calling police in fear of my re-actions to her actions....in California the idea of words said and someone being in fear regardless of previous stimulus you are guilty of domestic violence....this is a very serious offence and when people hear they assume you beat your spouse to a pulp.....but so far from the truth...I said some harsh hurtful words deflecting the pain I was feeling and for that i have lost ability for employment...rights in the constitution...and to be a Dad....I am her mercy and with that built in all it takes is one crack in the ice....She was raised in a violent abusive house and never wants that to happen to her....when i get upset that is all she sees and its get out ill call cops....I am upset already do to the problem that cause the incident in the 1st place and when its get out or go to jail the trigger is pulled.....I tried to not react and wait for the police....the fact is no matter how many witnesses there are (cause I brought witnesses so she could know I wasnt there to hurt her) if she is upset and uses right trigger words you are guilty of a crime.....It is nuts that she cant understand that one leads to the next and if we could just start living with "rules" or communication more we never get there.....Damn....any ideas????

 

Drew

[Dutchess1980]

Hi, I am new here. I ran accross this googling anxiety in relationships. I've been with this wonderful man for about 8 months now and last month we got engaged. I have always suffered from depression, but within the last 5 years, I've developed GAD, and have gone to the ER a few times with panic attacks, thinking I was having a heart attack. My main triggers seem to be around the holidays and lately my childrens behavior, and most recently, I think my fiance has become somewhat emotionally distant from me, though he says everything is fine between us, and he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I don't know how to control my anxiety, I feel like lately I've done something wrong, that I put a strain on our relationship, that he doesn't really love me or want to be with me. Last week he was home for vacation, and it was great until I started over thinking that the reason he was quiet and withdrawn was because I did something or said something that upset him, but he told me that it was because he was stressing about money and that this was the first Halloween he didn't get to do things with his child. I calmed down some, but then we indulged in alcohol, and I got drunk, and started sobbing and asking him if he loved me and wanted to marry me, he said yes, but he sounded so...hollow. I really can't explain how it felt, but he has dealt with me like this only a couple of times, and each time was with loving compassion, but last Friday, it just seemed strained and irritated. I'm sure I'm getting on his nerves, and I'm really trying to control it. I think I should just stress and worry to my friends about this stuff instead of him, but he makes me feel so comfortable talking to him about my problems (he's got his own issues as well, he's manic depressive and has some other problems I won't get into). He's told me to tell him anything and never to worry about chasing him away, he's my best friend and my future husband. And he also works out of state, but we see each other every weekend, but since he's been back to work, it just doesn't feel the same talking to him, and our conversations are very short (due to the fact that he left his charger here at home). I really don't know what to do about how I feel, I think he loves me, I think he wants to be with me, but I'm not sure, I keep working myself up over this and nitpicking things to death. I don't even know why I'm posting here, I'm just not sure what to do, I want to be happy and I want to be comfortable again.

Ahhh

So tired of anxiety

Thanks for reading.

[CookieMonster8]

 

Fourth, I find that anxiety is "addictive" in the sense that it makes you want to keep focusing on it - going round and round in your head - it "seems" like you're trying to analyze the problem but the anxiety doesn't allow it. So, I find that distractions like exercise, talking to a friend (not about the anxiety or the relationship, something else), etc really helps. I also like the book "Out of the Box for Life" which has some good exercises to do to lessen anxiety.

 

I really identify with this. It seems the more I think about worrying about my relationship the worse I make it. My anxiety about my relationship comes and goes in waves. It'll be on for two weeks and then off for a week or two and then back on again as soon as I think of it again and then off again. This morning I woke up and made the conscious effort to not think negative of my relationship at all today. That helped a little.

[iamsam250]

I'm loving this thread! I have been feeling like a total freak lately because of my anxiety and know I need to do something about it before I implode. I was previously married for 10 years to an emotionally abusive man, prior to him I felt like a very strong, independent woman but he did a huge job on me and my self-esteem. We've been divorced for over two years now and I've spent most of that time on my own. Last summer I dated a guy for about two months and experienced massive anxiety the whole time. He'd never know it though - I can be as cool as a cucumber about it, but when I'm alone with my thoughts it's mental. Ultimately he wasn't very good for me and we split. I spent almost a full year alone when I hooked up with an old friend this summer and we admitted our mutual attraction to each other all these years and decided to start dating. Like most of you here, it went from zero to sixty in no time at all, which only contributed to the anxiety. The difficult part is he also suffers from similar anxiety, but his is of a different variety than mine. He is the type who worried he will hurt me and runs, whereas I worry about being good enough - when will he call? Will he let me down? Etc.

 

Despite all our very good feelings for each other our past proved too much for us and we decided to take a break recently. Again, I never really expressed how anxious I felt while we were together. I don't think it's helpful to fully admit all my crap, especially because most of it had nothing to do with him but moreso my feelings of worthlessness. When we split I told him about my anxiety - and how his anxiety only peaked my own - so it was definitely a good and healthy thing for us to be apart right now and work through our issues.

 

I see a lot of him in the posters on this thread who run so thank you for sharing, it has been very enlightening. I realize now if it will work in the future I also need to share more of my own fears with him as he was always really honest with me about his. My worry was in sharing mine with him it might make him more fearful, but I see now that just means only one of us is getting their needs met and their thoughts understood. It is a balance though because a lot of my worries are about my past and ones I know I need to work through myself. These worries can poison a relationship if allowed to run amok so it is about learning when, where and how to express them - making sure they are about ME and not about what he has done.

 

I have been seeing a counsellor for the past three years who was the biggest blessing for me in helping me leave my unhealthy marriage and I recently discussed anxiety with him. I wanted him to help 'cure' me of it. He said that's impossible, we are damaged people (he has his own horrific past) and this pain will always be a part of who we are, it is just how we DEAL with it that makes a difference. It is about how we talk to ourselves when we're anxious. Anxiety feeds on itself and can totally get out of hand if we run with it. I'm learning to 'parent myself' (I'm a mother of two) - I never had a great parenting role model, but have managed to do a pretty great job with my own children (tooting my own horn!) so my therapist asked me to speak to myself the way I would my children when I feel anxious. It has been very helpful. He also suggested I write out dialogues between my scared child and my punishing adult where I spew my fears and inadequasies then have my horrible adult chime in with their judgements, then finally to bring in my good parent who acts as a facilitator to the discussion. I can't tell you how many pages I've written like this about my relationship that have been very enlightening. It's all these old 'tapes' in my head that keep me feeling anxious. I've realized I expect to hear 'but' after every good thing I hear from a partner - even 'I love you'. I have a super hard time trusting the good things in my life, expecting them to be here tomorrow or even an hour from now. It's no way to live.

 

I took a mediation course recently that has helped me see my thoughts for what they are - just thoughts, not real. Just because I think the sky is purple doesn't make it so, so neither should my worries about anything. I constantly remind myself when I worry 'this is just a thought, it is not a reality' and then I wait for more information to know if it is real or not. I don't REACT anymore, I am thoughtful about my worries. I used to give in to my fears and freak out to the man who I thought made me feel that way, but now I give it time and space and 9 times out of 10 I'm wrong about what I worried about, or it wasn't nearly as big a deal as I previously thought. Or course, sometimes I'm right, but it is process to learn to trust what are really your instincts over what is actually your anxiety. It's not easy.

 

That being said, I still freak out, I just do it to my best friend who understands my anxiety and is very patient with me. The man I was seeing and I decided after a few months apart that we were ready to see each other again and did so last week. We had plans to see each other and spoke that morning about it, but didn't have a solid time to meet. As the hours ticked on while I waited to hear from him about when my anxiety soared - I called my best friend and was totally upset (it had been 3 hours since I talked to the guy). He's never, ever cancellled on me, never not followed through on a plan so it was totally irrational of me to be worried. I had to talk myself out of my tree and breath, but it was the longest three hours I've had in a while. Of course, he did get back to me and we met up that night - having an amazing time together and recognizing that this is what we want, just slower, more thoughtfully, less crazy talk of the future, just enjoying each other today.

 

The funny thing about me is I'm very much an independent and strong woman who has no confidence issues anywhere else in my life. It's vulnerability that kicks my butt every time. The thought of letting someone else in again only to have the rug pulled out from me scares the living daylights out of me.

 

Breath people! And please keep suggesting resources - there have been some great ones suggested on this thread that I will definitely be looking more in to.

[leseine7]

Hello all,

 

I stumbled upon this today and felt so grateful to have it to read. I'm suffering from GAD as well - and it rears its ugly head in the worst possible ways. My boyfriend has almost broken up with me (and, over the summer, actually DID break up with me for a few weeks) multiple times as a result of my relentless anxiety and stress. I will go through phases, completely unexpected to me or to him, where I question absolutely everything and just need endless reassurance. It is exhausting, and the worst of it is that I see the toll it takes on the relationship. Luckily, I believe with recognition and some serious work on myself I can beat it or at least learn to handle it without allowing it to effect my relationships, but I would be lying if I didn't say this has been a very hard time for me. The worst thing is the guilt AFTER having been so anxious and negative, and seeing the unhealthy toll it would take on my relationship. All I can say is that turning to this website, and to friends and loved ones who can laugh with me and love me just the same, have 100% saved my life and it's a growing/learning process.

 

Love and best wishes to all of you!!

[leseine7]

Holy cow. I just took the deepest breath I have taken in DAYS. Reading this I was so reminded of myself, it is absolutely mind-blowing. I, too, consider myself a very independent woman. I love the people in my life deeply, but I also know when to take care of myself. However, exactly like you talk about, I find a way almost every month when I am feeling my most vulnerable, to succumb completely to those fears and worries. I spill every last detail of them, and why, on my partner who has been there for me in the good and bad this fall, and I find myself terrified that I've completely 'wrecked everything.' Just these past few days, since I last did this, I have been killing myself over the concept that my boyfriend, having taken me back hoping I was strong enough not to allow those fears and anxieties to get in the way, may have just given up on me. But it doesn't make sense, because we have been very strong, I spoke to him last night and he understood and agreed with me, and there just simply is no reason for me to fear these things other than ... my brain wants to.

 

I really appreciate this insight, because that patience... that concept that 'Feelings are not facts' .. are SO IMPORTANT to surviving and thriving in life, and I hope to be able to check in here with more good news and progress and wish the same for all of you.

[miles12]

This thread has helped me so much. I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and about five months ago i was just sitting at work when i was consumed with this panic that something was wrong with us and that we shouldnt be together. I got this feeling for what i feel like is no reason. We were going through a rough patch where he was without a car and starting a new job and it was a lot of pressure on me to support him. So i felt this anxiety and felt like something had changed between us and i dont want anything to change but i still cant get this worry out of my head. I talk to him all the time like does he think we should be together and i over analyze everything that happens. If we get into a fight I wonder is this the reason we shouldnt be together and it drives me nuts. I know i love him and and he loves me but i cant stop worrying. One of the things that makes it hard is that my sister who can be very difficult to get along with doesnt like my boyfriend and she keeps putting this doubt in my head that we should be together. I am young and in college and have a lot of stress about what to do with my life but my boyfriend is the nicest guy i have ever met i know i can depend on him for anything and though he does annoying guy things he loves me and wants us to be together. I have tried taking medicine but nothing seems to work and i have tried to set up appointments with doctors but havent had the chance to talk with anyone. I feel that i keep putting this doubt on us and i am ruining the best relationship i might ever have and so i beat myself up about it like why am i doing this and causing fights. But i wanted to thank you for sharing your stories because for the last five months i have felt crazy and that no one knows what i am going through. My mom just tells me to relax but its not that easy i wont even be thinking about me and my boyfriend and then it will just pop into my head out of nowhere but i appreciate you all sharing your stories hopefully things get better soon

[CookieMonster8]

So what's everyone's best advice to avoid over-worrying and panicking?

 

Mine so far has been not letting myself feed into my negative thoughts, realizing they are just thoughts and that I have an overall healthy, happy relationship. Anytime my mind starts to wonder there again I stop myself and think of something good or positive in my life. I think the more you think about thinking about the worry or anxiety makes it worse. I have found that to be the case in my experience.

[freemysoul]

like others have stated..... wow, am I glad to have found this forum. I too googled "relationship anxiety" and found this wonderful place.

 

I have been single for a few months now and am embarking on what was supposed to be a years reprieve of no dating.... hence 3 months into my year and already I am at a crossroads. This man I went to high-school with has reconnected with me. And since reconnecting on Friday, in 2 days time, we have "blown" each others' cell phones up (have sent around 200 or so text messages back and forth). We are supposed to go out next Wednesday and already I have been thrown back into the state that I was trying to get rid of by not dating for a year....... ANXIETY! We haven't even been out on a date yet and already I am freaking out! Now I am 35 years old and have been in many relationships, but they have all been like this!!! ANXIETY-filled.

 

Already the questions........ is he interested? is he seeing other women? I wonder why he is single? I wonder why he got divorced? He is gorgeous....will he cheat? Is he honest? Is he emotionally unavailable? Will he hurt me? Etc. I haven't even gone out on a date yet and already I am planning the wedding and divorce. How freakin' weird is that???? lol

 

I have been in counseling for years, yet for some reason I cannot get my head wrapped around this. Well, there is an innate understanding of why......but not an understanding of how to completely erase this part of me. It is exhausting. It is so easy being single because there is zero anxiety, but at the same time (usually after 3 months) I crave connection and love and affection again...... but I know that that will also entail anxiety.

 

It's like when I find a person I am interested in, it is like an obsession (but I don't let them know this....I keep it in my head and under wraps). An obsession that is filled with adrenaline, anxiety, despair and chaos..... and it is all in my head. It is like an addiction. I don't want it..... I hate it..... but I can't stop it.

 

It's a love story filled with betrayal, lust, sex, romance, lies, etc.... and again, it is all in my head.

 

It is maddening because it is unfair to people. They never really have a chance because our brains accuse them of all sorts of atrocities that they may or may not ever even think of (much less really do!).

 

I don't want to be this way with him. So I am just going to give it up..... not him, but anxiety.

 

I don't care if he crushes my soul and breaks my heart. I will not go into this worrying. I will take this chance and just let go.

 

I have to take this risk.

 

Anxiety will not win. Eyes open..... yes. But heart will also be open as well.

[orchidrose]

I posted on this thread many moons ago. This may be a controversial opinion, but medication has worked tremendously well for me. I found that my anxiety was not only present in my relationships, but was seeping into every other part of my life. I had been in therapy for a few years but had never considered medication until my therapist recommended it. I've been taking a low dose of Celexa for almost six months now and it's like night and day. I have little to no anxiety and feel like a fog has lifted from me - I'm actually able to be present. I just started a relationship with a fantastic man and I feel like I never would've been able to have a healthy relationship with him or anyone else unless I addressed my anxiety directly.

 

Before this, I was single for about two years. I saw a man for a few months during that period, but he wasn't interested in a committed relationship. I think that being alone and really working on myself really helped my anxiety, as well. I focused on work, going to grad school part-time, my friends, my family. It helped me really value spending time with myself and made me appreciate the times that I'm apart from my boyfriend.

 

The final thing that I'll say is that I know my anxiety was at the very least exacerbated or more likely caused by the fact that my previous relationships were just not right for me. Maybe because of my anxiety or my other issues, I was dating men who treated me like crap and I let them. I was anxious about if they were interested in other people because they refused to commit. I was anxious that they were showing up late because they wouldn't tell me where they were. I don't have those issues with my current boyfriend, and even when I do, I have no need to feel anxious because I trust him.

[annie24]

An old thread, but I think I will *bump* it!

[ImThatGirl]

Just stopping by to say hello in a familiar place... Thanks Annie for bumping... Amazes me how so many people can relate to this thread!

[ImThatGirl]

Funny how much I've grown over the years since writing this yet some things remain the same. Been single for a year and a half now. Started dating someone a few months ago. Now I can identify my needs a little better in a relationship. Such as I don't want to jump into a serious relationship without knowing someone for an extensive amount of time. And I won't. So often in my life I did this only to realize in hindsight had I taken more time, I'd have been less on edge. I love the love stories some people live - the fall head over heels and live happily ever after stories. However, those stories don't work for me - time, substance, and getting to know someone first.... then everything maybe will fall in place.

[music1030]

Wow..I feel like you are reading my mind. I am going through exactly what you are going through. I am with an amazing man and my anxiety and negative thoughts are just ruining me and I'm if I don't get this under control I am going to sabotage this relationship. I really think its a great idea for you to go to therapy. I see a therapist every other week and he is amazing in helping me with these issues that I have. I am so confidant when I am not in a relationship and then as soon as I get into one I become this inseure and needy girl. I believe that self talk and listening to positive affirmations will also help you. How long have you guys been together?

[Silverbirch]

Thank you so much for bumping this thread. I was in a 10 year relationship with someone years ago (we were engaged) , and I still hold baggage from that. My trust was so badly let down, and I have fears sometimes of being let down like that again.

 

I tried today to look at the infidelity board, but it just makes me feel sick. Thinking about him makes me feel sick. I'm a lot better than I was, but I still have a lot of insecurities with me that I think are left over. I'd like to be rid of them for good. I don't want medication. I tried one recently that just made me feel sick and was no benefit to me. I just don't have the time or money for a therapist and I don't even think talking about that relationship helps.

 

I'm with someone else now - a person I don't think would let me down in the same way. However, I am quite lacking in confidence and seem to need a lot of reassurance. I don't want to be like this.

[ImThatGirl]

Music1030 - We aren't together anymore. We were in a relationship from 06 to 10 off and on. I realized how much we just really weren't compatible.

[music1030]

Silverbirch- I totally understand abot lacking in confidence and needing a lot of reassurance. I am the same way, but I do go to therapy and I just started taking some anxiety medication that I hope I will benefit from. Try to think positive and maybe listen to some affirmations and some meditation self help cds.

[music1030]

Hello Freemysoul..Thank you for your post because it makes me see I am not alone in this. When I was reading it I felt like I was reading something I wrote lol. How are you doing now with your anxiety? I am going to try to take your advice and give up this anxiety because it is just ruining me! Thanks

[Trainerash]

Hi all,

I came accross this thread because I did relate to this. I have anxiety problems of my own but aren't just relationship based. It's a constant state for me. I've been dating a guy for the last 1,5 months and I'm always anxious thinking that I'm either not good enough, that he might get bored of me, that he's not serious about it or that I'm going to ruin it. I should add three details that will probably make a difference - my mother killed herself last November; I came out as gay 6 months ago; and I was in a 4 year relationship with a bipolar girl who was extremely intense and controling - so this is my first gay relationship. And with the mother issues, I'm always afraid of losing (the shrinks' words, not mine). So I'm always over-reading and overthinking the relationship and not giving it time to blossom naturally. I'm always looking for commitment on his behalf, signs of affection, the works. And it's horrible because I know it's wrong and I should calm down. But it's so hard to fight your own head when it's constantly sabotaging. He is such a nice guy - amazing heart, skillful, kind - and even attractive! I just don't think I'm good enough.

It's stupid, I know. I just thought I'd share it with you since you are talking about the subject and I could relate - to a certain extent - to what was being talked here.

[tlp]

i feel like i found what ive been looking for in this forum...im reading posts that sound like i wrote them...i hope that someone takes the time to read my long post....

i just realized this morning that i am having anxiety...and it's about my relationship...i hate being alone..im a social person...but also being in a relationship i become needy...worry constantly...feel like im not getting enough attention...read into everything he says...i pout...and everyday...i tell myself...just smile and think positive...but in the end i dont do it...we are starting to fight every day now it seems...and i know it's mostly my fault...a little back story...

i was with a man for 15 yrs..then we got married...married for one yr...and he flipped out and had a midlife crisis...i supported him financially and emotionally for 7 mths when he went to the phillippines....then divorced him...it was hell...and i came out of it a different person...no longer strong and confident...instead of me pulling him up with my optimisum...he pulled me down into his awful depression...and place i had never been....he told me i wasnt enough...i know better..but it sticks in your head..

.i took up bodybuilding and became a figure competitor during this time...it was my release...i spent alot of time alone...trying to find myself...working on myself..my body...feeling good at least about that...then became a social butterfly...being asked out only by young men...that was new for me...it was constant..mostly 20 somethings...one i saw sporadically for 2 yrs..he jerked me around...which was easy in my confused state...most of them just wanted to be with an older woman...then I started seeing a 30 something...i thought he was older...who wanted children...i didnt fit the bill ..i was 46 and had a grown son...most think im 35 or so...but we continued to see eachother...fwb...he wouldnt acknowledge me in public...that went on for over a yr..again..more insecurity for me...i guess i didnt feel worthy of being treated well...and i hadnt met anyone who did anyway...

when i finally felt happy with myself...just hanging with the girls...didnt need a guy...I MET ONE...the nicest guy ever...alot younger than me...but a gentleman...hard worker...sweet ..considerate...handsome...we were both skeptical at first...but i have found dating 20's...30's...40's...i find no difference in maturity...it's just each individual's personality...he is more mature than any of them...my son likes him..but his parents had a fit...and to tell the truth..i just met them last saturday...it turned out fine...but i always felt unaccepted because they didnt want me around...and thought that i was a cougar after their boy...not true..didnt happen that way...you cant choose who you fall in love with...

the year has gone fast...he just moved in with me a month ago...we have had a great relationship...but my constant worrying and insecurities are surely going to sabatogue this...and im trying everything i can to not let it happen...im reading self help books...googling...trying to think positively...but it isnt working...and now i realized this morning that i am getting that sick feeling in my stomach...butterfly feeling...whenever i think of him...anxiety...i have no health insurance...no money to pay for counseling...so im turning to this forum to see if i can find some help with all of you that are experiencing the same things...he doesnt understand why i just dont relax...have fun...realize that he loves me...we constantly misunderstand eachother now...and it is frustrating for both of us...i need help...i dont want to mess this up...

im sorry this is so long...again....i hope someone takes the time to read it and respond.

[Oceanic]

I wish that I could give you some solid advice. I really identified with your post and having very similar problems.

A few differences...I am a male and my girlfriend is 10 years younger than me....

She pursued me and I was avoidant but now after almost 3 years I am afraid of losing her.

I have been reading a book that has helped me identify my problems and does offer some solutions.

It is called "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

It explains the different styles of attachment. I am definitely have an anxiety style type, and she has a secure style.

I have tried to relax and not push things so much. Somethings in life we really don't have as much control as we think or would like.

I only say this in hopes that I can believe it but I struggle day to day.

I also hope that you can work this out.

One of the things that helped me was to tell my girlfriend how I feel. I told her that sometimes I don't feel secure and needed

some reassurance. She responded positively.

The books says to wear your heart on your sleeve--be Emotionally Brave!

Be genuine and completely honest about your feelings

I suggest getting the book quick!

[tlp]

thank you for your reply...im going to check out the book you recommended right away...things are going better...im trying to stop and think...and not automatically think the worst...his parents came to our town the following week and they did take us to breakfast before they left...again...it went fine...they were very nice...we also went to a wedding of one of his fraternity brothers last weekend...met all the guys and girls and it was alot of fun...everyone was very nice to me...and no one looked at us strange...so that made me feel better too...i just have to keep with it and continue to think positive...read as much information as i can...and relax and have fun...thank you again for your reply....and i will take your advice and talk to him too...i hope everything works out well for you too

[LL4841]

I find myself hating the little things that my bf does, the way he acts like a little kid, is cutsie and even the way he sings. Some of these things were the very things I loved about him when I first started dating him, so what's the deal now, why all of a sudden do I hate all these things. He's a great guy, he loves me and would give me the world if it was his to give, I don't know why the longer I"m with him the more these things bug me. So bad sometimes I just want to scream with frustration and get as far away from him as I can. I can't understand what's wrong with me.

 

Could it be a form of commitment anxiety? I'm lost I have no idea if I should end it or try to work through it. Is there even anything to work through? I just don't know! ARRRGH!

[Celadon]

Gee, this thread was started almost six years ago, but the subject resonates with a lot of people. For me, I didn't know there was a such a thing as relationship anxiety until recently, when I read the book "Attached" by Amir Levine. Another poster has already recommended it. The book says you need to state your need for reassurance to your partner, not in a clingy wimpy way but in an assertive, plain way: "I want closeness in our relationship and need to hear that you desire me and value what we have together." Something like that. A loving partner will respond by giving you what you need. A mismatched partner will not. And if not, time to move on.

 

Before I knew what an anxious attachment style was, I had some pretty bad relationship habits and reactions. Of course, we're told we shouldn't be "clingy," so I would suppress my anxiety. But then it would blow up, usually when I couldn't reach my bf. One time a bf said he'd call me when he got home, and then on the way home he stopped to run some errands. By the time he called me (late) I had imagined all sorts of things, like maybe he was secretly meeting someone. (Sigh.)

 

Another time, with another bf, I had to go to an event of some sort, so we weren't going to be together that evening. Well, for some reason, my event fell through, so I called him to hang out. He hadn't told me he was doing anything, but he didn't answer his phone. I drove to his place and his car wasn't there. Then I got suspicious that he was seeing this girl who was in town visiting (he had liked her at one point). I was so anxious, I drove to her parents' house to see if his car was there. It wasn't. The next day he told me he'd gone to a family get-together and hadn't told me about it because I was busy anyway.

 

These anxieties showed my need for closeness with my bfs, and when the anxieties were triggered, I imagined the worst. It's common for people with anxiety.