Please friends, I need your help!!! It's Danimal....

Advice, opinions and sugestions of any and kind would be appreciated. It's long, but I really need help guys and girls....

This has NOTHING to do with my ex. You see, I have had NO contact with my ex in over 3 months and have been dating girls for the last 2 of those 3. I have been meeting all kinds, but NONE have clicked. NONE, until a week ago that is. I met her at the bottom of my street. We were both waiting for the bus. She had a one and a half year old baby in a stroller and was going to take a cab, but I stopped her and told her that I would lift the baby onto the bus, so not to waste her money. I found out that there was no man in her life and she was 22 and completely on her own in her appartment, which was directly accross the street from me. She was beautiful and really calm and sweet. I asked her for her # and she willingly gave it to me. I wiated 2 days and called her. We made plans for last Friday night. She invited me over to her place, seeing she had a baby and had not hired a babysitter. When I walked in, I was floored. She was exactlt the woman who I was looking for. Everything was calm and serene about her appartment. She was fragile and delicate. She was calming and very spiritual. Everything I was been looking for since my ex. We ended up talking for 9 hours, opening up to each other and connecting on ALL levels. Deep, intellelectual, spiritual and intense conversations. By the end of the night (at 5:00am) we were VERY into each other. I have her a kiss goodnight on her cheek, making her want more...

Saturday night we spoke again and she invited me over again and this time, after an hour of just being very close, I complained about my neck and back hurting, she told me that she was a professional masseuse and offered me a neck and back massauge, with oils. She had me lie down and sat on my butt. She asked me to take off my shirt and she began to heal me, both physically and emotionally and told me that she would help me heal in every way. I then told her to lie on her stomach and she ended up taking off her shirt and bra and it was very sensual. We ended up kissing and stairing into each others eyes...By 2:00am when I left, I think we were both so connected it was surreal. My ex was a distant memory. She was caring, sensitive, compassionate and sweet, on all levels.

She called me 3 times several times on Sunday and she came over to my place yesterday afternoon with her baby boy. She was very affectionate, nuzzling on my neck and what have you and just very into me. We started watching a Led Zeppelin concert and I commented on how drugged out they were on Acid and she had asked me if I had ever taken it and I said no. I asked her the same and she said a few times, hoping I would not think any less of her and then I asked her if that's all she took and she then said that she had taken everything. I was puzzled at this point. I asked, everything? I said, Coke too? She said yes. I asked her for how long and she said when she said she stopped when she became pregnant and then said for about 3 years.

I asked her if she would ever take it again and she said who knows what will happen. I then got more firm, seeing my values on this subject differed from hers. I said, you always have control over what you do and don't do and then I told her that I knew close people to me who messed up their lives with that. She asked me if I was angry and I said no and then she said, you are angry and I said no. She then said she regretted telling me this and thought that I would have been more open and then I told her NOT to judge me on my openess, based on my reaction, because she does not know how I feel. I started regressing, at which point she said that she feels that we would be better off as friends and that maybe we aren't compatible. She then had to leave and take her son for a walk in the park. She said I could come if I want and so, I followed her to her appartment, where she literally was not talking and then I told her that I am NOT looking for more friends and that I have enough and thought that we were getting along really well. Then I said, you have a son and I am still here. Doesn't that show my openess? She said in retaliation, honey, you're not the only one who is interested! I could tell she was pissed. She then said that she didn't want me to coming to the park with her and her son and that she wanted to enjoy the rest of her afternoon and got on the bus, not allowing me to help her carry the carriage. That was that...

Things got bad for me last night. VERY bad. I don't know what overcame me, but all that hurt that was NOT dealt with resurfaced.

Yes, I called and I called and I called.....I even went to her place TWICE and rang her bell, knowing she was there. Her light was on, but she didn't open up... I was falling man.. I was given a suggestion to write her a letter and slip it under her door. So, at midnight, I did just that...I told her that I was sorry for judging her. I was sorry for the comment about her baby and I started telling her that I like her and asked her to call me...

I did NOT sleep at all last night. My fan broke and I had no air conditioner installed at all and so, at around 9:30am, I called her again and again twice more. NO ANSWER. Just the incessant ringing of her phone. I was determined to reach her and so I went over again. This time she opened the door. She invited me in. She visibly saw that I was an absolute wreck. I had NOT shaved, eaten, slept and I even had teary eyes. I don't know what overcame me. Maybe all the years of heartache and disappointment and abuse....

We began to talk. I ended up apologizing again. She told me that she wasn't ready to talk last night. She was angry and needed some time to think. She said that she wished that I had exerted more self-restraint and had MORE self-respect. I felt and still do feel like a failure. She was sympathetic, but you could just tell that she was completely repelled by me. She even made mention that she didn't want to get into any relationship with me. It's not her priority and she's not in the mood and clearly I am NOT ready for one either and have to look inside myself and ask myself some serious questions...

I felt so little. Not because of her, but because of my own actions/reactions. When I spoke she could not even hear me. I was so insecure and ashamed and STILL am. She agreed to be my friend and agreed to getting together on Thursday night for some beer at her place....I left and she said she was happy that things weren't so awkward now, but I could tell that she wasn't into it. I was a mess. I felt devastated and very saddened when I left. I opened up to her over the weekend and she pulled the carpet from beneath my feet and I fell. I REALLY like her.

What should I, or could I do to change the impression I created after yesterdays event? What do I do on Thursday night when I see her, if she still accepts at that point. Is she still testing my reactions, or is she 100% serious in her new found conviction?

Advice please!!!

Dan,

I think you're pouring too much on the fire . . .it's going to smother if you don't let it breathe some. Space out your contacts with her more and let this blossom a little slower. Remember, things come out more tender when they have more time to cook.

Chai,

I agree with you about us having seen each other maybe a little too much. We were both really into each other, UNTIL yesterdays EVENT and then what I continued to do last night and try and mend today at her apartment.....

You see what I am saying right? I felt and feel SO comfortable with her and she was SO in to me and NOW, well, other than the spacing it out aspect, what else can you offer in terms of advice.

Thanks for responding btw...

Danimal

Dan....

I know you appreciate STRAIGHT up and HONEST advice, so here it is.

As a woman... you are right I would be repelled by your actions. You just met this woman. She doesn't owe you anything ..nor you her. I understand if you feel upset and bad about your actions...but you need to CHILL! Women like and respect a guy who can keep his emotions in check. You are all over the map here.

My advice about Thursday would be to delay the meeting until perhaps next week. Get your bearings...and give her some space. Don't cancel on her..just say you think it might be better for you both if you take a step back..and then start over. My reason for this is because I think you will still be over apologizing and worrying ...also by YOU delaying the meeting..it will put YOU a little more in control again emotionally.

I think she will respect this approcah...rather than you jumping all over the opportunity to see her.

Don't squeslch the fire before it has time to heat up.....

You'll be fine. Just relax.

Hi Playbrat,

Yes, I do appreciate your honesty. I will admit that I handled it quite well in her apartment today, but who knows about the damage that was already done...

Okay, so I delay this Friday until a later date. I can tell her that something came up. I prefer not to disclose to her that it's really because I am not emotionally ready to see her so soon after...

In any case, when and if I do see her again, do I act like nothing happened? I can't make a move on her again. She doesn't see me the same way now, or does she and if not, is there any way that she can again? What kills me is that she told her brother on Sunday that she met this great guy and was checking up on my Zodiac sign for our compatibility was very interested, to hearing her close the door yesterday and today on a potential and even telling her brother now what had happened and how it made her realize that doesn't want to be in a realtionship...

Danimal

I agree with the others about playing it cool to retrieve the situation. If you can convince her it was not your normal way of behaving then she may come around.

But there is an unresolved issue - suppose you were to get into a relationship with her and she did start taking drugs again? How would you react? Part of the reason for her attitude maybe concern over that.

Well part of my justification towards my actions/reactions as of yesterday, were based on how poorly my ex treated me and how much it messed me up in the way that she had seen it do....I even went into details as to how my ex had treated me and that it's truly only been 3 years. She said that based on how I was acting with her yesterday, she can see that I was projecting and knows that must have been how I acted with my ex.

She's an extremely mature and open-minded 22 year old woman. This really is a shame. My only concern is that when someone so early on in the dating process decides that they don't want it to go to another level, or if they did and then they saw something they don't life and then change their mind, what hope is there at that point?

Any suggestions for when I do see her? I mean if so early on we were getting physically close and opening up and now we STOP, well, won't that determine the outcome of the direction we will be heading in and also, won't she be sensing that I want more than she does, unless deep down she may want it too?

Danimal

She probably feels judged and was put off by your vehemence. Maybe you should explain why you reacted like that so she knows the reason. Not just the history about the ex but also your views on drug use.

I did just that. I let her know that a very close person to me had O.D.'d on H.

She knows, she knows, she knows.....Again, it's how I reacted. She was more turned off with my emotional reaction. I was not composed. She felt that I hit her below the belt. So, she decided that it would not go further than it had gone and what had been established (the intimacy) will be no more...

Look, my incessant calling, my demonstration of complete and utter lack of self-restraint, self-respect buried me in her eyes....

Her metamorphosis was quite visible to me. Even if she can comprehend WHY I reacted this way, it does not make her respect me more, or want to lean on ME as a potential future bf. She saw weakness and a loss of control over my actions and she was plain and simple turned off. PErhaps not initially, but I nailed the coffin shut, or did I?

If I met someone who said "who knows" when asked if they would use hard drugs in the future, I would be very very put off by that. It sounds very careless. I would be afraid to become attached to someone who didn't know or couldn't say for sure that they would not use drugs, as though they have no control over it or something. I would have reacted negatively to that news.

Dan, you're entitled to your views on drugs and it's up to you whether or not you want to go further with this person. For me, it would be a dealbreaker for someone to speak so carelessly about the possibility of using drugs because I would always fear that if things got hard in their life they might turn to drugs. It's one thing if a person feels they are truly reformed and would never use drugs again but to seem so open to the possibility as to say "who knows?" That would bother me a great deal. I try not to judge people too much based on their past, especially if they have truly changed. But if someone is not able to 100% say they are not open to the possibility of going down the wrong path again, then that would bother me.

No one can guarantee they won't mess up in the future. But everyone can at least earnestly pledge not to.

You've really hurt her! But don't worry I'm working on it!

danimal,

Like everyone else, I believe you should just take some time to let the situation cool off. You realized you made a mistake and tried to remedy the situation, however your actions may have caused her to be angry and scared of you.

I think you should not talk until Thursday when you are supposed to get together. Ask her if she still feels like she wants to meet. If she has any hesitation, then suggest some other time. I don't think you are out of the question for her because she did let you in to apologize and did make plans with you again. Do what you can to earn her trust again and perhaps things could continue the way you hoped.

Also remember she has a child to think about. When you acted as you did, you probably scared her in that respect. Anyone will say that no one wants anyone who can't control their emotions around their children, much less themselves.

I also think you should evaluate why you acted the way you did. You may be trying too hard this early in this relationship because it may be hard to find someone that made you feel as she did since your ex. Just reassure her by being non-threatening in any capacity and make her feel comfortable with you again.

Best Wishes.

Lady,

I totally agree with you. However, I stated on here only a few days ago that I am a changed man and look how I just had a repeat performance with a NEW woman of whom I was interested in. Sure, the having taken HARD drugs sporadically for 2 years to me is not the way to go. She was messed up and seems to have reformed. She's one of thos artsy, spiritual, liberal type people, who are open to A LOT of things. Today, she told me that she is 99.9% sure that she won't do those drugs again...

In any case, my initial reaction was fine. I was upset, sort of taken a back and should have asked her if I could be alone to think, rather than her sit their in my place, knowing that I was upset. I wasn't strong enough to say NOT NOW and so, it dragged out and was drawn out into DRAMA and then I wanted to undo that and made it 10000000000 times worse, unitil I saw her today????

Again, I am interested in her and if she does follow through with wanting to get together again, how do I play it? Do I act like I don't want more than friends, or do I still act in to her like before???

Danimal

Hey Danimal,

I think you are entitled to your opinion about this as well. I think if you express these things too strong, you might hurt her feelings, yes. But the fact that you and her have such different opinions on an issue like this kind of set off an alarm in your head, otherwise you wouldn't have reacted so strongly.

I suggest you don't contact her for a while and give her time to cool off. I recognize the way she reacted from a girl friend of mine. My ex had very strong opinions on soft and harddrugs.

On my b-day he was there and she talked about having tried out coke occasionally and he really cornered her in a discussion about the risk etc etc. She was totally pissed off, and I think this was because deep down she knows that playing with drugs IS playing with fire.

Anyway, I think she just needs some time to think about this. If you feel more for her than a friendship, don't pursue a friendship to get more than a friendship.

Ilse.

Lost,

Thanks for your sound advice. It made A LOT of sense. She just seems really convinced of the friendship tip, however, there seems to be a chemistry there and I am a charmer, so, if she lets me back in, in small doses, well, I believe that I can 'win back over her initial attraction/interest.

Thanks again,

Danimal

Ilse wrote: "Anyway, I think she just needs some time to think about this. If you feel more for her than a friendship, don't pursue a friendship to get more than a friendship."

I believe that she already thought about it and is still willing to see me, but wanted to make it clear that she is NOW not looking for more...

Concerning me not pursuing more than friendship, if friendship is all I am being offered by her now, could be a mistake in my eyes, only because she may be testing me to see if I can be trusted. Been there, done that. Remember my 3 year relationship?

This girl is nice, but the facts are, she is devoted to her son and extremely close to her son. The rest of her family is in France. I was a potential bf, seeing we were getting intimate and she really into me until the incident. I don't know if it is salvagable, but I am willing to find out. As it stands, we have plans on Thursday night for beers at her place. Lets see if she is still willing to keep the plans. If so, we'll see if I should or not and if we both do, what to do? How to act?

Danimal

dan,

hey buddy, relax. don't smother her yet, it's not time . remember, she already has a child who needs her, she doesn't want a man that needs her yet either...she wants someone who is strong and confident. you can be this person, you need to let up on her and give her some time. i suggest when you do see her next, just give a quick apology for the way you behaved and ask for a fresh start, and then really give it to her....

good luck and keep me posted....

-g

Hey Gradle,

Yeah, I did apologize several times and mentioned that we still get to know each other better and she agreed, BUT she doesn't want to have the intimacy aspect involved as it had been until yesterdays event....

She put on the breaks and wants to cut out that possibility now. So, that affectionate woman who was nuzzling on my neck will now just be my buddy?

Danimal

if you don't just want to be buddies, you could always say soemthing like: listen, i really think this could be something special, but if you're not ready for it, that's ok.

just try and be her friend and hope it turns into something more, as long as yoru feelings are out there, she knows it could be a possibility.

It seems like she jumps very easily back into her shell and is frightened as well, just like me...

I won't rule anything out just yet. I spent 9 hours with her on Friday night, hours with her on Saturday night, including a sensual massage. She called me 3 times on Sunday and I she came over yesterday, all the while us two having a crazy connection, UNTIL that incident, which I pounded into the ground, upon which time, she changed her mind...I don't want to fall into the same pattern as I had with my ex...

As it stands, we are getting together on Thursday night. I cannot and WILL NOT contact her before then, right?

Dan

Right.

And loosen up a little. If she was totally frightened of you, or put off, she would not be seeing you at all. So play it cool and see what happens. She may just be backing off and would not be averse to something developing once she sees you are sincere.

Don't give up yet. Just 'go with the flow'.

DN,

Lets see if she first keeps her plans with me..That's step number one.

A point of interest:

What's obvious is her interest level in me has died like 90%. On Sunday she invited me to spend the day with her son and brother and I politely declined because of prior engagements and now today while sitting in her appartment with her, she mentioned that her brother was coming over in an hour and her and her son had to have lunch first, so she thought maybe it was best if I leave at that point....

That's not a good sign. She also spoke so highly of me to her bro over the weekend and now after yesterdays events, has recounted how it made her realize that she is not ready to be in a relationship, or as she put it, is "not in the mood"....In other words, is no longer "interested" as she had been prior to.

Oh Danimal I agree with the others, you need to step back a bit and give her some space. I'm afraid the only thing you will gain by persuing her very aggressively now is to scare her away.

Give this some time. Be her friend--if you want to get a gf you have to work at it slowly and regain her trust. Show her the kind of caring, compassionate man you are. Be there for her but don't crowd her... limit your visits and your dates to about 2 hours tops... and don't forget to make her laugh.

Good luck!

Hi Ara,

Thanks for the amazing advice. You're totally right...I will keep our plans for Thursday night. I'll keep it brief. As brief as possible. I will NOT contact her before then.

A trusting friend on here told me to bring a little gift for her year and a half old son. I think that is a good idea. A little toy can't hurt, nor can some flowers perhaps for her?

What do you all think?

Danimal