Conception - The Fertile Friend

Excerpted from
The Conception Chronicles : The Uncensored Truth About Sex, Love & Marriage When You're Trying to Get Pregnant
By Patty Doyle Debano, Courtney Edgerton Menzel, Shelly Dicken Sutphen

Just when you've convinced yourself getting pregnant is more a marathon than a sprint, the fertile friend appears. Every woman having trouble getting pregnant has a fertile friend. You know . . . the woman whose pregnancy is a "surprise." After spending so much time with your entire mind, body and soul dedicated to Operation Ovulation, you can't believe there are women out there who get pregnant without really trying. Sure, there was a time (not too long ago, in fact) when you thought it could just happen. But now you know what you know, and you are hard-pressed to believe women just wake up pregnant.

The stories you hear may vary from one woman to the next, but the theme is generally the same, and each tale leaves a bitter taste in your mouth. Not because your friend is pregnant and you are not, but because it seemed to happen so easily for her.

In case you haven't yet encountered a fertile friend, we've taken the liberty to characterize some of our favorites so they are instantly recognizable, and you can start practicing your Academy Award-winning performance of "Congratulations, I'm so thrilled for you."

The Odds Breaker (aka, the 1 Percent)

This is the friend you want with you when you're buying lottery tickets or picking long shots at the race track. However, when it comes to baby making, her luck at beating chemically controlled pregnancy probability is just too much to take. The Odds Breaker gets pregnant on the pill and swears she never missed a day. How come it worked for you all those years when you considered it a good week if you remembered to take the pill five out of seven days?

The Chosen

"We've been so blessed." In other words, God has chosen to bless this couple with children and not bless you and your husband. This is the thought that goes through your head each time you hear this woman tell someone she's pregnant. Does she believe God is looking down at your house from Heaven saying, "Sorry, try again next month."

The Professor

This woman has all the easy answers, whether you ask the questions or not. It's not a conversation with The Professor, but a lecture. Each time you talk with her, you feel like you're back in college when, no matter how much you studied, you never felt prepared for your accounting final exam. She insists it you would simply follow her lesson plan you'd be pregnant too.

The Bragger

"I'm so fertile, my husband just looks at me and I'm pregnant." We don't know a TTC out there who hasn't heard this one. The Bragger finally has her chance to let you know she is better than you-at something. You may be smarter, funnier and the superior golfer, but she gets the last laugh. She is definitely more fertile. Bitch.

The Lucky One

"The first time was a charm for us. We tried once, and it just happened." You've had perfectly orchestrated ovulation sex at least a thousand times and nothing. You thought the "first time" phenomenon only happened to fast, young girls who didn't listen to their mothers. Lucky or unlucky, lite is just not fair.

The Networker

"It was really easy for ME to get pregnant, but I know someone who has a friend who has the same problem you seem to have . . . and they're pregnant. Just let me put you in touch with them." The Networker is invaluable when you're looking for a job or an apartment, but when it comes to baby making, she doesn't seem to understand your resistance in discussing your "trying" tribulations with her best friend s cousin's sister.

The Partier

"We were so drunk, I don't even remember having sex that night. I never thought sperm could survive so much tequila." This doesn't sound like moderation to you. Having a glass of wine is a major treat for you, and this lush gets pregnant doing body shots? You curse your strict beverage diet of water, freshly squeezed carrot juice and unsweetened decaffeinated tea.

The Virgin Mary

She says, "I really don't know how it happened." Is she serious? Sure, you may have been a little clueless about the ins and outs of all things ovulation when you first started trying, but you certainly knew how it happened.

No matter the fertile friend or the story she happens to be sharing, your initial gut reaction may not be exactly what you expect. Of course, you are genuinely happy for your friend, but you may also be embarrassed to admit you're feeling a little sad because it's not you. Who are you? You've never been one to be jealous of your friends or to use others as a benchmark for measuring your own life. You slap yourself on the wrist, push your pity party to the back of your mind and get back to the conversation at hand. After all, this is one of the most exciting moments in your friends life, and you hope someday she can repay the favor by supporting you when you have good news to share.

Fertile Friend or Fertile Foe?

Like bubble gum, ice cream and beer, fertile friends come in an assortment of varieties and flavors. However, for simplicity's sake, there are really only two basic types you should be familiar with and understand: the friend and the toe. The fertile friends are your closest, best girlfriends. No matter how tactlessly they may break their good news or hand out their individual advice, they sincerely have your best interests at heart and are inspired from a genuine, good place.

On the contrary, the motivation behind the fertile foe can be downright questionable. These gleeful gals are typically just acquaintances, coworkers or family members whose relationship with you may be strained in one way or another. They seem to get some warped satisfaction out of the fact that they can get pregnant and you cannot. Be aware-and honest with yourself-about whether you are dealing with a fertile friend or a fertile foe. It will make all the difference in the world in coping with her behavior.

It's not always easy to tell the difference between a fertile friend and fertile foe, so we've developed a quick test to help you sharpen your detection skills:

1. Your friend knows you've been aggressively trying for more than a few months when she boastfully announces at a party she got pregnant the first month she and her husband tried. Answer: Foe.

2. Your friend sends you her must-have fertility book, with a note expressing she hopes it brings the same success for you and your husband. Answer: Friend.

3. Your friend calls to see if you can recommend a fertility specialist for her colleague since she obviously doesn't know one. It doesn't seem to matter that you've never discussed with her whether you're seeing a specialist. Answer: Foe.

The ground rule for trying to figure out if you're dealing with a fertile friend or fertile foe is to consider if you believe her intentions to be sincere, considerate and kind. If you think they are authentic, then trust yourself-they likely are.