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Pregnant GF broke up and wants space


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My GF told me she thought she was pregnant and was very excited. We talked about baby names and were happy. Next day breaks up with me. A week later the test came back positive and was taken back then broke up with again, this time asking for space.

 

My problem is this, this could be hormones I don’t know and that’s not what is important. What’s important to me is how do I give the space (texting annoys the hell out her now), when I want to know if she needs anything or how she’s feeling or talk about this life changing event.

 

We did not even fight. I just don’t get this. I sent her flowers but cancelled them after someone advised me that’s not respecting space. I ordered prenatal subscription vitamins to her and cancelled that too after someone else told me again that’s not respecting her space.

 

How do I reassure her I’m here and not pulling a Ross “we were on a break” and won’t til the baby is born and I know for sure she wants nothing to do with me.

 

She is giving me doctor dates even though she doesn’t want me at the first visit. However if they show her the heartbeat I am going to ask that she FaceTime me so I can be part of that.

 

I’m totally ok with coparenting, it’s just not what I want or expected. We were not trying but we were not NOT trying not to get pregnant either. Had I expected this I would not have not even entertained the thought. We are both a bit older and this could be a last chance for both of us for a child.

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Sorry to hear this. How long have your been dating? How old is she? Who is she living with? Has she been to a doctor regarding prenatal care? You're Not her doctor, Do Not send her vitamins.

 

You need to figure out the real reason this is on/off and she wants "space". Are either of you in other relationships/living with others?

A week later the test came back positive and was taken back then broke up with again, this time asking for space.

 

She is giving me doctor dates even though she doesn’t want me at the first visit. We are both a bit older and this could be a last chance for both of us for a child.

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We only dated about 5 months. It was fast. Everything was. She’s 39 and neither of us have been in another relationship in years. She has not been to her prenatal visit yet. That’s in 2 weeks. There was no fight. I just want it to be where I can talk to her about the pregnancy and be to help emotionally, physically and financially. She has a girlfriend living with her now so I’m not needed for around the house help. The space happened just days after our excitement of the positive test.

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She was afraid after reading the risks of being her age. I’m giving the space. That’s why my anxiety is through the roof. So many have told me this sounds like hormones mixed with alcohol and nicotine withdrawal. They say just don’t relax and wait. It’s easier said than done. I truly believe she loves me she just can’t stand me right now.

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Another idea to consider is that she's not really pregnant and mentally unbalanced. Just something to consider since you barely know her. It's a possibility. Alcohol withdrawal? So you thought it was a good idea to have unprotected sex with a woman who's an alcoholic? And she's afraid of being pregnant at her age, yet didn't use birth control? To be frank, you both sound emotionally immature, not considering the major results of your actions.

 

Perhaps some lessons to use for future relationships of what not to do.

 

In this case, I'd let her take the lead in contacting you and give equal effort but no more. If she actually is pregnant, let her know that you two will eventually have to communicate to organize custody arrangements. If you happen to find out she is drinking alcohol while pregnant, there are certain states that mandate rehab in these instances. I'd pursue that for the good of your child. If she's not pregnant, you've dodged a bullet and need to block and delete this unstable woman.

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Tough situation.

 

In your shoes, right now, what I'd do is try to find comfort in what you know is true for you: you want to be here for her. So the Zen approach is to do just that, even now. Doesn't mean sending flowers and so on, but just being you, open to her while she is closed to you. Not a sustainable state, but likely one you can sustain for a bit. (Parents have to do this a lot, so think of it as practice.) One key to sustaining it? Do everything you can, for yourself, to keep that anxiety in check without expecting her to be the salve. Great that your posting here and talking to friends. Stay healthy too: eat, exercise, read, whatever keeps you steady.

 

Hormones, nicotine withdrawal, and so on: sure, all that might be at play. But I wouldn't try to diagnose it. Pregnant at 39, 5 months into a relationship—that's stuff that would throw most people for a serious loop, and everyone handles loops differently. Give her grace to be overwhelmed and try not to take all this too personally. This present state is not permanent. It's so hard not knowing what the next phase is, but trust that time has the answer to that, not you, not her.

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I joined an expectant fathers group on Facebook that I’m getting a tremendous amount of support from. Many are telling me their girlfriends or wives hated them for the first trimester at least too. But most are just preparing me for the the worst, which isn’t even the worst. It’s not so much her I want back. It I get the child I never thought I’d have out of this even just on weekends I’m ok with that. Child support isn’t scary to me. I’m financially stable.

 

And thank you for not judging. We spent a lot of time in 5 months together because of Covid. We had the discussions about how she wished she had one more kid before it was too late, and I ended a marriage from a wife who could not have children. So this makes me so happy regardless. I grew up with split parents and I turned out pretty Fkn good.

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It's one thing to blame it on the hormones, but it's another to act this way when she found out she is expecting...big difference. It's not the hormones talkin. I would get a lawyer right now because I have a feeling she may terminate the pregnancy and then just tell you she miscarried. She just may not want this baby and is pointing to things like that article she read as looking for an excuse.

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Ok, then just give her space. No need for an attorney, until there is any sort of issue with paternity, child support or custody/visitation. She will have to see what the first and subsequent visits reveal.

 

Do you live alone? Does she live with her other children? Besides covid, was there any talk about the future or how you see the relationship going forward? Do you both work full time?

 

Try not to blame hormones, smoking, alcohol for the breakup. You must know the real reasons.

she wished she had one more kid before it was too late, and I ended a marriage from a wife who could not have children. So this makes me so happy regardless.
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I live alone in my own home. She now lives with her girlfriend who just left her husband. She has her daughter every other weekend due to her own custody issues. Before Covid believe it or not she asked me to move in with her since I’m there so often. I told her we would revisit that come January to see if we were still together. She also asked me if I would consider marrying Her one day since she knows I’ve had a bad marriage prior. She sent or pics of the kind of ring she likes. She knew none of this was happening anytime soon, but yes we talked about a future together.

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A lot of red flags including her trying to super fast-forward the relationship. Being unemployed and getting pregnant with a guy she's dating a few mos. are more red flags.

 

Despite this, it's clear why she's mad. She hoped the preganacy would fast-forward this into the marriage/family zone, as unrealistic as that is at 5 mos.

I live alone in my own home.

 

Before Covid believe it or not she asked me to move in with her since I’m there so often. I told her we would revisit that come January to see if we were still together.

 

She also asked me if I would consider marrying Her. She sent or pics of the kind of ring she likes.

Oh I work full time. She doesn’t work anymore.

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Exactly what I’m doing. It was just very hard to not let her know no matter what the outcome

of “us”, we can successfully coparent and asking if there’s anything I can do.

 

But all that’s been said so now I can just try to take my mind off of her and see what happens over the coming days months etc.

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Ok, let her reach out to you when/if she's ready. In the meantime, co-parenting doesn't begin until after birth, so you've got a while to reflect and see how things evolve.

Exactly what I’m doing. It was just very hard to not let her know no matter what the outcome

of “us”, we can successfully coparent and asking if there’s anything I can do.

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Exactly what I’m doing. It was just very hard to not let her know no matter what the outcome

of “us”, we can successfully coparent and asking if there’s anything I can do.

 

But all that’s been said so now I can just try to take my mind off of her and see what happens over the coming days months etc.

 

Good job. You've thought through your impulses and have listened to the good advice of your friends who care about you. As much as they're in your corner and pulling for you, they are more objective and can see how any attempts at contact from you right now can be perceived by her as pressure.

 

Despite your best intentions, when someone turns on you, their perceptions of your actions will not be generous. So remind yourself of that, and allow for time and distance to do their job of allowing this woman some reflection and, hopefully, some sentimentality toward you.

 

You can't orchestrate this. You need to be able to trust that any potential reconciliation remains HER idea, and without influence from you. Otherwise, you'll set yourself up for an eggshell walk of mistrust, and that's no way to live.

 

Make room for the possibility of worst outcomes, such as a termination or a miscarriage or a challenge to your paternity. This is NOT a prediction, but rather, it's a practical balancing of possible outcomes so that you don't spend your days focused on an ideal that may not happen. While dwelling in the negative is not helpful, either, the goal is to neutralize fantasies even while you focus on living your best and most productive life without stagnating in rumination.

 

My heart goes out to you, and please write more if it helps.

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All of this is concerning. An addict who has issues so serious she doesn't have custody of her child, who wasn't using birth control (not protecting either of you), who was attempting to fast track the relationship and who may very well have slept with another man unprotected while drunk. Maybe that's why she's pushing you away; she's not sure if you're the father.

 

I would get an STD test and then, once the baby is born, a paternity test.

 

Good on you for wanting to be a responsible father, BTW.

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I have no doubts this is mine. If she broke it off because it’s not mine why would she still be contacting me to give me the doctors appointment dates and telling me anything at all? If she was trying to trick me into paying roe and raising someone else’s kid she would probably have been better or not breaking up with me.

 

This woman is being painted to be a bad person here. She’s not.

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