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Hello,

I'm a student and I came here for advice about a sensible situation, thank you in advance for the answers, sorry for the lenght, this is quite complex but I just want to have an external opinion on the feelings I go through, the whole story is just to set the context. Trigger warning : abortion/ abandonment.

8 months ago  (October) I met a man on a dating app, at first he seems to be open to discover each other around a coffee, and I was more into having fun. Our conversations were the simple/quite boring kind, but I give it a try as he seemed cute and I felt good and confident in my life. So we spent a first night together not planned but on an impulsive need to see each other late. Then wow I discovered a funny, smart and cuddly man. I’ve been hurt in the past due to relationships where I forgot myself in unrequited love so I decided to act “cool” and “casual” for once, thinking I could keep an hand on this He asked me two days after to see each other again but again I try to make myself mysterious, we saw each other a few days after, on a night too. Then I started to get attached and I felt he started to be distant. As I tried to get some news a few days after the last encounter, he never answered so things didn’t go on and I erased him from Instagram, only media we had to chat. I know this was immature but at that time I didn’t know him enough to trust him as we met twice in a month, at night,  I thought it was just another ghosting from a dating app hook-up. Life went on, I rarely thought of him but some nights after a glass of wine when I felt lonely and I regretted my impulsive act. In January I saw him on another dating app, I matched, he had matched me so we talked again, and I asked him to see each other again, he seemed unsure which I understood. However due to serious personal issues I had to erase my account on this site and as I had erased him from Instagram we had no way to talk, but I was too mentally/emotionally busy to care. He finally found my Instagram account a few days later, dm me and insisted on us seeing each other again, seemed really implicated. I felt surprised in a happy way, it was the sunshine in a dark week and we saw each other on the following weekend. It was a great moment, he spent the whole weekend with me and we found back this complicity we had a few months before, talked his about silence and my reaction, it was a qui pro quo as he was living hard stuff he said. Then a week passed and no news, I started to feel angry… then he texted me on the weekend on a funny thing, I took time to answer but we chatted a bit and then no news. I tried to speak to him but he wasn’t really implicated in talking to me. I started to feel frustrated that’s when I realized I might want more than casual meetings and a few texts. I told him these feelings on a Friday night by text, he told me he didn’t want more than fun and it was never the case, telling me he thought it was obvious, I got hurt but accepted it. I told him that I could go above this and still fit into the casual stuff. after two times asking him for a night where he “couldn’t” then a month of no messages had passed.  I tried to forget him, blaming myself for acting this needy and trying to identify my feelings. Then he texted me again to see each other, which made me happy but I was busy and it took a few days til I could even if I was thinking of him the whole time. It was great seeing him again, just to tell, he’s until now the best sexual partner I had and the fact that he’s cuddly and funny was so comfortable. He left, two texts about food on the same week-end and silence again. I tried to see him before quarantine hit the country, he couldn’t so I took time for me. Then the problem arrived, as I was thinking about not seeing him again because of this disastrous feeling of loneliness each time he left my house, I discovered I was pregnant. we made sure to be checked for STD, but due to hormonal reason I had to stop my pill while waiting to get an IUD, and this last time we saw each other, I checked my menstrual cycle. I thought of the morning-after pill but I trusted my cycle and dumbly thought that for the one time in my life w/o protection, I was safe. As you guessed, I found out I was pregnant, after a week of nausea and breast aching. I told him by text,  Instagram was still the only way to chat, directly told him about my intention not to keep the child and he told me he was sorry, he wished me the best and that’s all. I got mad and after days of no news and thinking, hurting, I told him I wanted to talk face to face. He was okay and came and we had a long chat about my opinion, my feelings about this pregnancy, my anger, and he told me about his feelings toward this, for the first time I finally heard of what he could felt. It was moving, really sad, but he seemed concerned, encouraging and supportive, told me he’d be there. I felt better but when he left I felt even more alone, nothing was left to say, he even told me he’d be more careful with his next relationship which oddly hurt me. His choice was not to have a baby now, and with me, mine was that I couldn’t financially raise a baby, but I didn’t tell him that I was scared to abort due to the fact that it was the last thing that bonded me to him and that I was so mad that things ended up without my control, without my dignity, without my choice. Seeing him was so hurtful, I wanted to hug him so badly, we couldn’t help but smile to each other through the pain cause we still had this bond, I’m aware it was mostly pity in his case tho. However I felt in his eyes that he cared for me, in a way I couldn’t see when it was all that I was waiting. So I felt rubbish. Now you know, 8 months after what the situation is(April) and  I feel so selfish to feel this way but I don’t know what I suffer most from the idea of losing him forever, as a I don’t really know him, than this idea of having to go through this traumatic event which abortion could be. I must mention that I have been abandoned as a child, because I think that it left me patterns, but I want to understand how could I be in such an emotional situation?  I don’t think it’s love but it’s hurting me so much just to imagine him with another girl, while I know I while never open myself again, not after this experience. My only thought is that I wish I had took this morning-after pill just to have a chance to see him again, does that make me cruel and insane? What do you see in this experience? Sorry for the long long post...Feel free to tell me, try to not judge me and thanks for reading me, if you want further information feel free to ask. I I really need your help. (maybe this is in the wrong tag?)

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2 minutes ago, Sofialara said:

I discovered I was pregnant.. I told him by text, told him about my intention not to keep the child. he seemed concerned, encouraging and supportive, told me he’d be there.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately he saw this as casual and an unfortunate event. Take care of yourself and health. Talk to trusted friends and family. Most of all seek out aftercare counseling.

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I'm sorry, but this was no more than a FWB situation.  He told you repeatedly that he only wanted to have fun, but you did not listen.  His actions also showed that he was not in it for any more.  

You need to protect yourself in the future, do not get involved in this type of situation and always use protection.  

I suggest that you seek some counseling through school to work through your abandonment issues.  

Be more selective in your choices-nothing casual- and you will find someone who wants the same.  This was never the right guy.

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1 hour ago, Sofialara said:

 I feel so selfish to feel this way but I don’t know what I suffer most from the idea of losing him forever, as a I don’t really know him, than this idea of having to go through this traumatic event which abortion could be.

You shouldn't take the entire blame over this, as he's equally responsible for the use of birth control.   On the other hand, you admitted that you "don't really know him" yet you knew this when you slept with him.

I'd learn the lesson, and work on making better choices as you move on.

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10 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Why aren't you using condoms?

We did, then got tested for STD a few months later, then we took it off as we told ourselves we didn't see other people, I took the pill until I stopped it for medical reasons but I was waiting for an appointement to get an IUD, it was the only time w/o protection at all. I checked my cycle through an app and trusted it... Thank you for the previous answer I'll be more careful.

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7 hours ago, Sofialara said:

I’ve been hurt in the past due to relationships where I forgot myself in unrequited love so I decided to act “cool” and “casual” for once, thinking I could keep an hand on this He asked me two days after to see each other again but again I try to make myself mysterious, we saw each other a few days after, on a night too. Then I started to get attached and I felt he started to be distant. As I tried to get some news a few days after the last encounter, he never answered so things didn’t go on and I erased him from Instagram, only media we had to chat. I know this was immature but at that time I didn’t know him enough to trust him as we met twice in a month, at night,

- His intentions were only for 'fun' - no commitment.  IF they pick up you are getting too emotionally invested, yes, they can pull away...

 

7 hours ago, Sofialara said:

a week passed and no news, I started to feel angry… then he texted me on the weekend on a funny thing, I took time to answer but we chatted a bit and then no news. I tried to speak to him but he wasn’t really implicated in talking to me. I started to feel frustrated that’s when I realized I might want more than casual meetings and a few texts. I told him these feelings on a Friday night by text, he told me he didn’t want more than fun and it was never the case, telling me he thought it was obvious, I got hurt but accepted it. I told him that I could go above this and still fit into the casual stuff. after two times asking him for a night where he “couldn’t” then a month of no messages had passed

- The convo's were not consistant. He was trying to keep some distance...

 

7 hours ago, Sofialara said:

Then he texted me again to see each other, which made me happy but I was busy and it took a few days til I could even if I was thinking of him the whole time. It was great seeing him again, just to tell, he’s until now the best sexual partner I had and the fact that he’s cuddly and funny was so comfortable. He left, two texts about food on the same week-end and silence again

 

8 hours ago, Sofialara said:

 I feel so selfish to feel this way but I don’t know what I suffer most from the idea of losing him forever, as a I don’t really know him, than this idea of having to go through this traumatic event which abortion could be. I must mention that I have been abandoned as a child, because I think that it left me patterns, but I want to understand how could I be in such an emotional situation?  I don’t think it’s love but it’s hurting me so much just to imagine him with another girl, while I know I while never open myself again,

- Months around him and you don't really know him 😕 .

Why you became so emotional? Because its common for the woman to become more emotionally invested than the man.

I do believe you will try again.. someday.

YOU have been thru a lot, and it hurts.. I'm sorry 😞 ...

Do you think it may help you some if you seek some prof help?  To also deal with your past, if you feel it's affecting you & your ability within relationships?

Might be a good idea, so you can work thru your pains and a lot that's going on within.

So, you can be okay with getting involved again, someday and come to feel okay with it all.. and yourself . ❤️ 

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On 5/4/2021 at 6:45 AM, SooSad33 said:

YOU have been thru a lot, and it hurts.. I'm sorry 😞 ...

Do you think it may help you some if you seek some prof help?  To also deal with your past, if you feel it's affecting you & your ability within relationships?

Might be a good idea, so you can work thru your pains and a lot that's going on within.

So, you can be okay with getting involved again, someday and come to feel okay with it all.. and yourself . ❤️ 

Thank you for your answer and the sweet words and yes I took an appointement with a therapist to get some help, and I'll try to see the flags sooner next time! 

To answer your question I think I got too emotional bc we spent great moments together apart from sex and sometimes the line btw friends with benefits is blurred when spending time together doing other things. Moreover, not to blame him but he had a vision of FWB really close from my vision of relationships (as I'm really independent when with someone and he met some of my friends to have a dinner on his choice) and I got lost in it. do you think it was mixed signal or still i misunderstood it?

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Look at this:

" Then I started to get attached and I felt he started to be distant. As I tried to get some news a few days after the last encounter, he never answered so things didn’t go on and I erased him from Instagram, only media we had to chat. I know this was immature but at that time I didn’t know him enough to trust him as we met twice in a month, at night,

 I thought it was just another ghosting from a dating app hook-up. Life went on, I rarely thought of him but some nights after a glass of wine when I felt lonely and I regretted my impulsive act.

In January I saw him on another dating app, I matched, he had matched me so we talked again, and I asked him to see each other again, he seemed unsure which I understood"

 

- Yes, is unusual to be hanging with your FWB all weekend, but I guess he was also bored & lonely and had the time.. nothing else going on.

 

 he was living hard stuff he said. Then a week passed and no news, I started to feel angry… then he texted me on the weekend on a funny thing, I took time to answer but we chatted a bit and then no news. 

 I tried to speak to him but he wasn’t really implicated in talking to me. I started to feel frustrated that’s when I realized I might want more than casual meetings and a few texts. I told him these feelings on a Friday night by text, he told me he didn’t want more than fun and it was never the case, telling me he thought it was obvious,

I got hurt but accepted it. I told him that I could go above this and still fit into the casual stuff.-

- But, you were not able to do so 😕 ... YOU became emotionally invested in him (which is VERY common for women, not men).

 if you look at the track record, the blocking.. the times of silence, etc.. Nothing was consistant.

 

As I still see it, he wanted a FWB- which means No Expectations.  You'd accept all of the 'hook ups', and even him hardly contacting you - only to get together again?

But, that is how it is.  You do not expect constant contact.  They call on you when they want to 'get together', that's it.

What you came to want, he was not willing to give.  he did not want an actual relationship- but you got hooked on him.

Now, learn from this... a FWB is just that. If you cannot handle something like this-( many come to learn they can't), then do not do this anymore.

At this time though... just ease off getting involved again, for a while and just focus on YOU.

These things can take a lot from us.. mentally & emotionally 😕 

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