Boyfriend Can't Get Over My Hook Up

My boyfriend and I have been on and off since 2010. He has broken up with me 3 times while I have never broken up with him. To be fair, the first time I kind of deserved it (I was really needy). The other times he was going through mental health issues. But either way - all of those break ups were devastating to me.

We got back together almost a year ago. The time between the last break up and when we got back together was about 9 months. During that time, I tried contacting him but he wouldn't reply - until he finally replied last June. Like I said before, this break up was really hard on me and I felt really bad about myself because I couldn't believe he left me again. I hooked up with a guy on the outskirts of my friend group (meaning I'm not great friends with him, but I have good friends who are) 2 times during those 9 months.

My relationship with my boyfriend now is solid... EXCEPT that he can't get over the fact that I slept with that guy. My bf wanted to know if I had been with anyone and I was honest with him (so he had known about it before we even officially got back together). I have no feelings for that guy - at the time, both he and i were kind of using each other to feel better about being single, lonely, and hurt by our exes. I have never not loved my current boyfriend. However, my bf gives me so much sh** for hooking up with this guy. He is still in a lot of pain about it and makes me feel really bad about it. It sucks because all the other parts of our relationship are so good.

What makes me mad is that my bf has hurt me and betrayed me multiple times in the past but I have always forgiven him and put the past behind us despite the hell I experienced during each of those break ups, but it seems like he cannot do the same for me. It's like his pain is worth more than my pain. What should I do?

It sounds like he is punishing you for being single and doing what single people do. He is the one that set you free and now he is upset because you had sex when you were completely single? He sounds controlling and manipulative and even may have low self esteem.

He has absolutely no place to be upset with you and treat you badly. Sure he doesn't have to be thrilled that you had sex with that guy but he needs to accept that it happened or break up with forever.

You need to tell him if he can't get over it then it is time to break up for good. Otherwise he will hold this over your head and continue to use this against you for who knows how long.

I am not so sure your relationship is a good as you think it is...

Lost

Agree with lostandhurt. You also mentioned that he was going through mental health issues -- is it possible that remnants of these issues are helping to keep him obsessed with your hookups?

your bf doesnt sound like that great of a person to be honest

-breaks up with multiple times

last time breaks up with you 9 months and doesnt contact you.

hooks up with other people but gets mad at you

because you hooked up with a guy twice in 9 months????

are you kiddin me..first of all you dont him

anything like he doesnt owe you anything

you both hooked up with people when you were both

single..neither has any say on what the other person

was doing during the break up. If he cant get over it

leave him.it isnt right and he shouldnt keep bringing

it up anymore.

Your relationship sounds pretty unhealthy to me. He's dumped you three times, and is punishing you for acting like a single person.

I don't see him being a good partner to you in the future.

If he can't handle it, then he shouldn't have got back together with you. If it was discussed at the start of the reconciliation & he accepted it then, then he shouldn't be using it against you now. I'm sure if he'd had sex with other people during the breakup he'd expect you to be ok with it. (Did he?)

A break up is just that - A breakup. It's the end of a relationship so whatever either partner does in the meantime is totally up to them.

He dumped you 3x and criticized your actions while you were single.

He is not a keeper. Toss him.

It's like his pain is worth more than my pain. What should I do?

That's because to him, it is. You know what to do.

He hasn't ever hooked up with anyone, period. Which is why he says he is so "disgusted" by my actions. But I know all your points remain the same. I greatly appreciate all of your input.

He hasn't hooked up with anyone, or he's told you he hasn't?

Disgusted by your actions? You were single. Thus guy sounds awful. He's left you multiple times. He's going to leave you again. Cut him lose and find someone who is capable of being in a relationship and who respects and values you.

Disgusted? That is pretty harsh don't you think?

Exactly what did you do that was so disgusting? You met a guy and had sex a couple of times when you were single. Is he disgusted because you had sex before you met him?

This guy is not a keeper. Can you honestly tell us you see yourself marrying this guy and having him as the father of your children?

Time to end this for good, spend some time alone and make your own life into what it should be without him in it.

Lost

Dump him, find a good man.

I finally ended things with him. Now on to the long recovery process.

I finally ended things with him. Now on to the long recovery process.

Good for you. The process has been going on for years. It might be easier than you think!

I finally ended things with him. Now on to the long recovery process.

 

Good for you! Don't take him back if he tries, he is just crap.

Ugh. I am struggling right now. I feel sick to my stomach. I can't focus on my work. I long for the day when I can wake up and not have this be on my mind within 2 seconds.

Give it time.

Whatever you do, do not get back with that fool.

Time to post a new thread in the healing section.

Good for you and we totally understand how you feel. Your hope that it would work and the love you once felt is where your pain comes from.

There is one thing you need to always remember. You were okay before you met him and you will be fine now that he is gone. Read my signature below, it helped and continues to help me everyday.

Best wishes

Lost

I long for the day when I can wake up and not have this be on my mind within 2 seconds.

It's cliché but it will come in time, you're essentially grieving right now & that's ok. Let it all happen & don't fight it - You'll be angry, upset & (If you're like me!) ruminate on things you could have done differently. It's all natural.

But you made the right choice, what did he expect you to do after he dumped you? Stay celibate? That was totally unreasonable & if it was that big of an issue to him, he shouldn't have got back with you & messed with your feelings. It shows a lack of respect for you & that would have caused bigger issues down the road.

I'm a few months out and every day is still a struggle, especially the weekends when I have more time to think. Haven't talked to him since the break-up - though that last time we talked plays over and over in my head. I remember I told him that even if he were to find someone else, that he better not break up with her as many times as he did with me, because no one deserves to go through that.

I know he is not good for me, but he was my best friend for many years - even before we started dating - and I still feel his absence every day. He's still the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning. I miss having him in my life - no one knew me like he did and no one has ever made me as happy as he once did - and I also miss having SOMEONE to share my life with. I hope this temporary suffering will pay off in the end (by that I mean, eventually finding someone better), but it is just SO HARD right now. Even with friends by my side, I feel so alone... they are busy with their own lives and significant others. I know I can't expect to be their #1 priority. My family is on the opposite coast, 2500 miles away. I'm working hard in medical school right now, which is exciting and important to me, but it feels so much less meaningful without a companion by my side who I can share it all with.

I know... how you feel... I feel the same way. Even months out... the hope is there, the pain is there, and it's hard. So hard. So much less meaningful... everything. Not just A companion. But the one that we wanted.