She says I don't make her feel good about herself...

Been dating about 7 months, it's the second time we had the quasi "it ain't working" conversation.

She says I don't make her feel good about herself. She might've even said I make her feel bad about herself. I don't know how either of these are possible. I have her up on a pedestal and she should know it.

Anyway, told her last time (lasted 2-3 days) if she pulled this again that's it.

Said she didn't know what else to say, I told her to say good night.

Well then,, case closed. It isn't your job to make her feel good about herself...its hers.

And it sounds like she is placing it in your hands.

She is a well of unhappiness that you will never fill.

Time to cut bait and find a woman who values your attention.

Did she give any specific examples of what you said that upset her?

Did she give any specific examples of what you said that upset her?

Do they ever? Said she knows it's/she's messed up...says there's no point in telling me how to act, and she's right.

Says she really loves me but "I don't know"...

And this was over the phone...limited contact since Thursday I think and today so I was expecting this conversation all day. It's just how it always seems to work.

Do they ever?

well, yes.

I mean, what exactly was the conversation about. Maybe you should ask her if she didn't give specific instances. If you don't know (or she won't tell you), you don't know how to be a better boyfriend and make the relationship work. I'm just trying to get more details here.... If she's not being specific, but just saying you don't make her feel good, then there's not much to work with there.

do you know what she might be talking about?

I asked the last time I didn't make her feel good or made her feel bad, whatever. Said she didn't know, and then nothing specific about last weekend.

Really she didn't give me anything to work with. She emphasized how much she really loves me and how really great I am and that she wanted a future together but that I don't make her feel good about herself.

I don't know how I feel. I'm more angry right now, but I'm not, I don't know. At some point I gotta get the few things I kept there.

To think I was gearing up to get her something special for Christmas

I wonder if we're actually broken up, we never actually said. She said she didn't know what else to say and I told her to say good night. She hesitated, and I said it again. After a moment of silence, I said good night.

Were there any incidents or anything? My GF told me the same thing, but it was because I pointed out hurtful things she said and did to me. Women often find ways to try and turn their bad actions into your ineptitude.

Anyways, she's clearly not happy in the relationship. If you truly are being a good BF, she *may* have been cheating and wanting to find a way out, and this was it. I could be VERY wrong, but I've seen it happen before.

Women often find ways to try and turn their bad actions into your ineptitude.

I'm sure men "often" do this as well.

To the OP: if she is saying that she doesn't like the way you speak to her or treat her, then that is on you to change. If she is expecting you to improve her self-esteem, that is on her to change. If she continuously tells you this and nothing changes, then it's on her to leave the relationship.

You are both just in repeating pattern now.

I'm sure men "often" do this as well.

Not trying to get off-topic, but just saying that of course it happens both ways. However, on average, women are more likely to act on emotions, while men are more likely to act on logic. There have been numerous studies done on this, and it certainly doesn't indicate that ALL men or women act a certain way, it's just averages.

Then it is indeed time to end things and move on. It's one thing if you were doing something actively to hurt her, but that doesn't sound like that's the case. And vague pronouncements about things that can't be named, you can't fix, and aren't even a specific are not even worth your time trying to "fix." As you said, tell her good night and walk away.

Just remembered I went to work an hour early (5am) and worked a 9-hour day a week ago Thursday so I could drive her to a 7:30am appointment at the hospital that Friday.

I must be a real slime ball!

For the record, I can't imagine it's another guy, at least not actively.

She might've even said I make her feel bad about herself..

Not sure if I read this correctly, but the above statement gives me the impression that there's is something you say or do to her which makes her feel like crap. Maybe you make some nasty personal comment, criticize her or whatever, and it makes her feel bad about herself and hurts her. Note, I am not saying you are doing this, but this is the impression I get from reading your post. Whatever it is, she's probably better off breaking up because she is clearly not happy.

Not trying to get off-topic, but just saying that of course it happens both ways. However, on average, women are more likely to act on emotions, while men are more likely to act on logic. There have been numerous studies done on this, and it certainly doesn't indicate that ALL men or women act a certain way, it's just averages.

Whether women are more emotionally driven than men does not equate to what you stated; that women turn their "bad actions" into men's ineptitude. I think we both know exactly what that statement meant.

I can't read from your posts whether you really care for this girl and want to make this work, and you're just angry, or whether you're not really that invested in the girl but don't like being called on it? I ask only because my approach would depend on this.

If you're just frustrated but really do care about her and want to try to salvage this thing, I'd reach out to her and ask her in a very kind way to talk to you about specifics: what, exactly, does she want to see you do or say that you're not offering, or what, exactly, does she want you to stop doing or saying?

I'd propose that question in a way that doesn't come off as defensive, but rather, caring, and I'd tell her to think on this for a day or so and see if she can come up with an answer. I'd tell her that she'll need to come up with something, or you've got nowhere to go.

From there, you can at least satisfy your own head that you've offered to negotiate and you've left no stone unturned.

Otherwise, if she's not worth it to you, I'd just leave her alone and find someone more compatible. You don't need a bottomless pit to 'fix,' that's not your job.

Head high.

I care for and love her deeply but I'm tired of playing games with (women in general). I'm emotionally invested and I trusted her not to pull this again, but since she did, I'm more angry than distraught.

She's been mostly silent since about Wednesday/Thursday. She's had time to put her words together and those are the words she chose.

I'm old enough now (40) to know better than to force things once such words are spoken. Seems it doesn't matter how old women get, they still pull the same childish crap when it comes to relationships.

Again...if this has happened to you more than once, it may be that your choice of women is off. I don't know any women in that age range that are that emotionally unavailable.

Well, if this has happened more than once, you're the common denominator. Like mhowe said, your picker might be broken...or you might be doing something consistently that makes gfs not feel special. I had an issue with an ex, and I mentioned it to him, and he replied, "ugh, every gf I've ever had has said that same thing."

Either way....sounds like you need to figure out if it's them or you.

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It's them.

Lol okay. You need to learn to filter better then...because you're choosing to date them consistently.

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oh I'm sooo bored!

I care for and love her deeply but I'm tired of playing games with (women in general). I'm emotionally invested and I trusted her not to pull this again, but since she did, I'm more angry than distraught.

 

She's been mostly silent since about Wednesday/Thursday. She's had time to put her words together and those are the words she chose.

 

I'm old enough now (40) to know better than to force things once such words are spoken. Seems it doesn't matter how old women get, they still pull the same childish crap when it comes to relationships.

Okay, you have one of two things to figure out. If you'd prefer to broad stroke 'all women' with the same brush, then you can do that--you'll just continue to get the same results.

The first option is that GF's got the problem--either her communication skills are so stilted that she can't explain, what, exactly, offends her, OR, she's a bottomless pit who expects you to play the role of her savior. You already get that that's impossible. So you can either operate on assumptions, or you can try to pull any pearls out of her that might benefit you going forward. That's why I advised giving kindness a whirl, and try to negotiate the goods. If she can't or won't deliver, then you're on to option 2.

The second option is to decide whether 'all women' must necessarily be 'like this,' or whether you're attracted to something about certain women who carry this particular problem. If it's just plain 'all women,' you're sunk--and nobody can help you. (Good luck with that.) But if there are certain traits or characteristics that keep leading you to bottomless pit women, or women who are so easily squelched that they cannot communicate a specific issue, then THERE is your place to start.

Bottom line: dating is as much about screening OUT wrong matches as it is bonding with good matches. If you keep gravitating toward women who end up somehow offended by you, what should that tell you? What is it about them that you pursue rather than identify early and write off as a red flag?

(HINT: If 'all women' are somehow offended by you, then it's you.)

"You don't make me feel good about myself.. I don't know.."

Translation: "I have a lot of issues that make me feel bad and hollow about myself but please let's not talk about those because I'd rather keep them covered with denial in my mind than actually man the up and deal with them;

No... Instead ! Let's turn the blame on this relationship! What else. I don't feel happy and You are such a good guy putting up with all my and, I don't know,.. I'm not 'feeling' it.."

Translation: I am hoping by acting crazy and messed up you ll have enough of me and you break up with me so all this is over and I won't have to talk about my REAL issues. Ha.

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This is really strange. I already dream about her more than any other girlfriend - like really nice fun dreams about travel and family life and stuff - but now every time I fall asleep there she is, last night, the night before and during a long nap yesterday.

I care for and love her deeply but I'm tired of playing games with (women in general). I'm emotionally invested and I trusted her not to pull this again, but since she did, I'm more angry than distraught.

 

She's been mostly silent since about Wednesday/Thursday. She's had time to put her words together and those are the words she chose.

 

I'm old enough now (40) to know better than to force things once such words are spoken. Seems it doesn't matter how old women get, they still pull the same childish crap when it comes to relationships.

At the age of 40, I think you need to work on your own immaturity. If you are finding that you have negative patterns with women, instead of either walking away or sitting down to talk through issues you complain about women.

If women play so many games, then why date?

Given how you haven't responded to the posts pointing out that you might have said something to make your gf feel bad about herself.

I would suggest that you end the relationship and figure out what you want. Assuming everyone else is the problem is probably part of the problem.

No, I can't think of anything specific I did or said which I would expect to result to this. I would think it quite the contrary in fact.

Yes, I use sarcasm but so does she. Yes, I can be an ass during witty banter but so can she. In fact, she'll cross boundaries in this which I won't.

Unfortunately there are things about her over the last 8 weeks or so that I can't discuss in an open forum. Without being too specific she's been mostly house-bound recovering from an injury. Things were great beforehand. Then this. I've been supportive and by her side as much as possible. The meds she's on my be an issue, cabin fever perhaps, boredom maybe, depression...I don't know.

During the summer we had some fun plans which were cancelled because I injured myself. Then the week she injured herself we were supposed to go on a road trip and finally have some time away from her children.

Now with only one week left of her recovery, this. She told me a week ago that I should stay away for a couple weeks because she was not herself. I guess I misunderstood who's benefit her request was for.