What if your in-laws excluded you from dinner?

I was wondering what would you do if your spouse went to family dinners consisting of only his siblings and mom and no one can come not even spouses? What would you do or say so that you don't seem selfish if your feelings are hurt that you don't feel like a part of the family?

My family always includes spouses and partners. We can bond without feeling like they are hindering. Although I'm not married, my bf and I have been together over two years and are serious. We see eachother often and do everything together.

Anyways I get along great with his family but they have family dinners once a month or two that only his sisters and mom can go to. Not even her husband (their step dad) can go. I've always felt like a part of the family but when they started doing this I started to feel like they see me as an outsider. Anyone that isn't blood isn't family it seems because I doubt marriage would change it.

I told him how much it hurted and he seemed a little defensive and saw nothing wrong with it. But he said he understood why I would feel that way. He was like "so what should I do? Should I not go anyore without you?"

I told him to not tell them how I feel and that I just wanted him to know my feelings hurt each time. I said if we were serious (engaged) I think he should talk to them about it in the future and he said ok.

It is odd, I will grant you. However, all spouses...including the moms' are not invited. So, you are not being singled out. To boot, you aren't a spouse, nor even a fiance, so I would take a giant step back.

Plan to do something with your girlfriends that night.

And, btw, to tell him your feeling will be hurt EACH time he had dinner with his family is emotional blackmail.

If you were married I would say that this practice is rude because spouses are family. But considering you're his girlfriend I don't think you get much say in how this family conducts their business. I would be upset in your situation too, I understand, but I think if everything else is good then leave it be until you're married.

It's very strange, I agree. But I have alot of questions for you when I read your post. You say "when" they started doing it, so I take it this is a fairly new thing? Did anything happen to bring it on, might they be meeting to discuss family busines and/or inheritence matters and don't want non-family there for that reason? Anything else going on that would prompt them to do this suddenly/ Are you invited to other family functions with the entire family and just not this one? Curious, but if it is a fairly recent thing there's a reason behind it and not just suddenly a "we decided to get together and exclude everyone else once a month, just because." Dig deeper or ask yourself what happened in or outside the family around that same time and there's your most likely answer.

I can't imagine my family ever doing that though. When someone marries or heck even dates one of us they are opened with welcome arms as family until and in less they remove themselves by way of breakups and/or betrayals.

So you have never gone out to dinner with his family? or do you sometimes go but not to this kind of family dinner? Perhaps they look at it as an "airing out family business only" kind of dinner. The siblings SO's (if applicable) are not to go either, and the step dad. I think it might be that the mother sees it as a dinner out with her kids. I take my kids out sometimes without my sister and a man in my life if I am dating. I think by the sounds of it, that might be what it is. Perhaps you and your guy should ask out his family to dinner one night. See what his mother says to that??? Perhaps think about looking at it another way.. such as a mother wanting to go out and talk with her children.. and it's special mom and kids time. Perhaps that will help.

Are his sisters' married? Because if not --- and she sends her 2nd hubby off on that night (who is not their father) --- then it is family night and not "family and anyone you happen to be dating at the time" nite.

I wouldn't be hurt by it. Honestly, I'd be non-chalant about it since it's not like they do this often. Plus you aren't the only one they are excluding. If they want their own family time then so be it.

If it was a once a week occurrence, or something that happened at holidays (Thanksgiving, for example) - I could see your point. But once every month or two? That's not a lot. What's wrong with them having a little 'immediate family' time a couple of times per year?

I don't think that this would upset me... and really... I would find it relieving? Who wants to spend all that time with their in-laws! (lol!) I don't see what's wrong with him just going off on his own to do that... It's not exactly threatening behaviour.

I think age also factors into this, whether or not there are grandchildren, if his sister is married too, etc.

I agree that simply finding other plans that night would be the best approach.

Of all the possible 'battles'... of all the things he could be doing 'wrong'.... dinner with his mom and sis just isn't one of them.

I would have zero problem with it, honestly.

I do this with my immediate family (my brother, my mom, and I) and there are good reasons we do it. We've done it regardless of who has a bf/gf at the time, regardless even if one of us has a spouse. It's something special for us to make sure we spend that time together. Some of the relationships that we have done this through have been long - 7 years, 10 years, a step father. It started because there were only "us" for a period of time, and those relationships we do know will be with us for life.

I don't think you should allow your feelings to be hurt by this. Especially if you are included in other family meals, gatherings, what have you. I would understand more if you were excluded all the time. But that doesn't sound to be the case at all. Talking a little bit of time carved out for them. Don't you ever do anything where it is only your mom and you? Or your sister and you? Etc?

If spouses aren't included in this, then it isn't being personally directed at you. If you're included in the other family activities, then I think you need to suck it up and get off his back on this. His mom wants a dinner with her children and she's entitled to do that and your boyfriend is entitled to attend it without you.

What your family does is what your family does---and it doesn't make yours right and his wrong that there is this difference in how they get together once a month.

I think you can afford to be gracious enough to not make this all about you.

I would find something so amazing and wonderful and badass to do on those nights, that I wouldn't be jealous of them.

I would not be bothered by this! Seems like quality "mom and kids" time.

I don't think you should make an issue of this, OP. You're not the only one excluded. Just because your family has a particular dynamic, it doesn't mean their wrong because their dynamic is different!

Besides, you may be a long term girlfriend but you're not an in-law yet. For many people, that matters. For others, like your family, no distinction is made. Though honestly, I don't see the harm in them continuing this tradition after marriage either.

Let me put it this way, do you and your best friend hang out one-on-one to catch up? Now imagine she has a boyfriend and brought him along every time you wanted to have "girl time". You may actually like the boyfriend a lot as a person, but it's not girl time if her SO is there. The dynamic changes from two close friends, to a group of three where it would be rude to share inside jokes throughout the night and awkward to ask for advice about personal matters (for example, "I have another UTI. Which cream was it that helped you last time you had one?")

I would rejoice!

Seems a bit odd to me but I also see how a family might want to do this ever so often. I think it would only bother me if I was excluded from other events or if the other kids SO's were allowed to come to these dinners.

If you were married I would say that this practice is rude because spouses are family. But considering you're his girlfriend I don't think you get much say in how this family conducts their business. I would be upset in your situation too, I understand, but I think if everything else is good then leave it be until you're married.

I agree with this. If or when you marry then that may be the time to say something (or even before) because after marriage comes children. They will be flesh and blood and most definitely family so surely they would be invited and as their mum and her now daughter-in-law surely you would too? Would a grandmother really NOT include her grandchildren in family time? And if she were to invite all children and grandchildren and not spouses then that would be plain odd. That is something I can't see happening so, for now, I don't think it is worth worrying too much about.

Though I would like to add that if you were to marry and have children you might actually be desperate not to go and have some time on your own. But I know I am jumping the gun here!!

If this is there personal time to be together as a family, then this is something you just have to respect. if their spouses [and GFs/BFs are not spouses] start being included, then you can balk, but until then, plan a night in or a night out for yourself.

If you were married I would say that this practice is rude because spouses are family. But considering you're his girlfriend I don't think you get much say in how this family conducts their business. I would be upset in your situation too, I understand, but I think if everything else is good then leave it be until you're married.

I disagree with this. I live with my boyfriend and even though we're not married yet, we live as though we are - and we're family.

That wouldn't bother me in the least and I suspect that once you are a bit older and settled in as his wife, you'll look forward to him getting away for an hour or two to enjoy his mother and siblings as a family unit. Surely they have other dinners where the inlaws are included? Whats an hour or two once a month?

I would find something so amazing and wonderful and badass to do on those nights, that I wouldn't be jealous of them.