What to do if BF not keeping his promise to propose?

I've been with my bf for 4.5 years, and he knows I want a family. We're not young anymore. He mentioned he would propose to me on my bday (coming up in 2 months). I'm so worried, because what if he doesn't propose? Does it mean it's over between us?

And what if he proposed but without a ring? Does it valid? Should I be upset about it? I know I'm worried too much and it's not necessary, but I know my bf, he likes to procrastinate. We've been together so long, I'm tired of playing ultimatum game, because I don't want him to feel pressure/force to marry me, but I do want to have a family. I need guys opinion what makes you want to propose to your gf.

1. How old are you guys?

2. Why do you think that he won't go through with it?

3. What ultimatums have you given him?

If he doesn't propose... that doesn't mean a thing... maybe he just isn't ready yet... and if he isn't ready it doesn't mean he isn't interested or doesn't think you will last, it might not be the right time... you are going to stress yourself out to the bone if you think about this for 2 months.. don't do that to yourself... just be happy that he is in your life. You already have him.

I would read "men are from mars, women are from Venus." he has a whole script in there on what to do when "the clock is ticking and he isn't wearing a watch." he said he'd propose by your birthday so be patient for a few months. He might be coming up with a nice surprise. If your birthday passes without a proposal, you can tell him that you love him but are concerned that he doesn't seem to be trying to take the relationship forward. John gray recommends taking a step back to just dating in that case. Read the books. Good luck.

I've been with my bf for 4.5 years, and he knows I want a family. We're not young anymore. He mentioned he would propose to me on my bday (coming up in 2 months). I'm so worried, because what if he doesn't propose? Does it mean it's over between us?

And what if he proposed but without a ring? Does it valid? Should I be upset about it? I know I'm worried too much and it's not necessary, but I know my bf, he likes to procrastinate. We've been together so long, I'm tired of playing ultimatum game, because I don't want him to feel pressure/force to marry me, but I do want to have a family. I need guys opinion what makes you want to propose to your gf.

Why would he procrastinate?

As far as asking if it's over if he doesnt propose--YOU decide that. WOULD it be over between you?

If he proposes without a ring--IS that valid to you?

If you've given him more than one ultimatum by now, that tells me that either a) he's not ready (which after almost 5 years together, is a bad sign, or b) you're weak at holding your side of the ultimatum, whatever that was, as you're still together with him).

Altogether, you're worrying in vain at the moment, you'll have to wait and see what he actually does, before you worry like this about it.

You don’t need a ring at all. But trust me, after you get engaged, people are all about the ring.

How old are you two?

How old are you guys? I think that's really a big factor in the equation.

1. How old are you guys?

2. Why do you think that he won't go through with it?

3. What ultimatums have you given him?

1. I'm 30 and he's 40.

2. Because he has very old parents that depend on him. In our culture, it's very common for a son to take care of their parents. The problem is his parents very old fashioned, and his mom thinks I'm a threat. I must admit this is one of his weaknesses. And I couldn't ask him to choose between his family and me because that definitely discourages him. So I can only trust him when he said he's working on (setting boundaries with his parents) it. I know it's out of my control, but the way his parents control him and the fact that he's OK with it, drives me crazy. I tried to get out several times, but the guys I've dated when we're on break, I didn't feel any connection like I feel with him and he felt the same way, that's why we're on-off so many times already.

3. I never give him ultimatum but I always remind him I want a family and I couldn't wait for him forever. He's the one who always told me his plan. We're supposed to get engaged last year but we broke up because of his mom, now we just got back together again, I'm so paranoid that his mom will get in our way again.

I would read "men are from mars, women are from Venus." he has a whole script in there on what to do when "the clock is ticking and he isn't wearing a watch." he said he'd propose by your birthday so be patient for a few months. He might be coming up with a nice surprise. If your birthday passes without a proposal, you can tell him that you love him but are concerned that he doesn't seem to be trying to take the relationship forward. John gray recommends taking a step back to just dating in that case. Read the books. Good luck.

Annie, which one? I've looked on amazon, there are so many series....Thx!

i think the original one and 'mars and venus on a date'. they are both good.

Your relationship is on and off, you think he's a momma's boy, you have friction with his family ....

Even if you did somehow get married, you two seem like you would soon be divorced.

I think that you have to wait and see what happens to see if her proposes or not.

I would also say that marriage isnt going to make your relationship better, if anything it is going to be an additional strain on it. I would address the issues that you have with the relationship now and see if there can be a resolution before you worry about being proposed to.

Given your ages, your bf's cultural bias' toward family and his mother already coming between you and causing a break up, I would not pin my hopes on getting a ring for your bday. If you want to wait that long, and be disappointed, go ahead.

I think you have to accept this for what it is -- and that you will not be a priority in his life until his parents have passed. And you shouldn't have to wait that long.

Given your ages, your bf's cultural bias' toward family and his mother already coming between you and causing a break up, I would not pin my hopes on getting a ring for your bday. If you want to wait that long, and be disappointed, go ahead.

 

I think you have to accept this for what it is -- and that you will not be a priority in his life until his parents have passed. And you shouldn't have to wait that long.

Mhowe, thank you for your honest opinion, sometimes I feel like my love is so strong that I can accept him the way he is, but when I'm so emotional (especially when I'm on PMS) I would be so needy and nagging and protest about this whole situation. I even hurt him by saying, "We can't start our life together unless your mom's gone right?" I know how much he loves his mom, but he said, "We can start our life with her around." but after that he would feel discourage and distant.

I'm really confused now, part of me really wants to stay because he's a really great guy, but the other part of me really wants to get out because I know I would never be his first priority (even when he promises me everything will change once we're married because he will come home to me)

If he had gone farther in that conversation -- saying you would be a priority, etc. But he hasn't -- I'm sorry. I thinking he is just giving you lip service. And as a woman who wants a husband and to start her own family -- you should be able to feel that he would prioritize you and your kids....not his parents.

I think that you have to wait and see what happens to see if her proposes or not.

 

I would also say that marriage isnt going to make your relationship better, if anything it is going to be an additional strain on it. I would address the issues that you have with the relationship now and see if there can be a resolution before you worry about being proposed to.

I really don't know how to address the issue. Every time we talk about it, he feels uncomfortable. He even admitted to me that he wish someday his parents would not do this (ask him to do so much things) anymore. He even doesn't have time for himself. I read one book about "Mother enmeshed son", my bf seems very fit and I talked to him about this and begged him to start seeing counselor, but he's so negative about this and said he knows his parents better than any counselor.

I've been seeing a counselor since the last time we broke up, because I think I'm trapped in this vicious cycle with him. My counselor been so great at keeping my sanity, she always says my feelings are valid but there's nothing I can do about it, and she's sure my bf loves and cares about me, but he's having trouble setting up boundaries with his family. He has to feel uncomfortable then confront it. There's nothing I can do about it. On the other side, I have to work on my self-love, take care of myself so I will have sense of secure, even if things don't work out between us. Because I've been having trouble sleeping worry about my future with him.

I don't know if someone has ever had experience like me, and successfully encouraged their SO to set up boundaries with their family.

If your bf has not set any boundaries w/ his family in 4.5 yrs., beyond "wishing they would stop", he is never going to. He won't see a counselor.

It isn't a vicious cycle, it is a one way street --- and you won't like where you end up. Get off now.

If he had gone farther in that conversation -- saying you would be a priority, etc. But he hasn't -- I'm sorry. I thinking he is just giving you lip service. And as a woman who wants a husband and to start her own family -- you should be able to feel that he would prioritize you and your kids....not his parents.

That's what I thought, he's giving me lip service. Every time I asked him if he's serious with me, he always said, he's not young anymore and no time to fool around. About his family, he asks me to give them some time, so they get used to the idea of us being together.

It's so complicated...sometimes I feel like I want to run away, but every time we're together, I feel like I'm in cloud nine, even when we just talk and have dinner together, I couldn't be happier. Maybe something's wrong with me...I'm so attached to him.

Rule number one about dating. You cannot change anyone. Once you accept that and accept that you want a family, then you will know that leaving is the only thing to do.

what are your plans if he doesn't propose on your birthday?

what are your plans if he doesn't propose on your birthday?

I don't know that yet. Obviously I would be very devastated. Lately I've been so insecure and nagging, I feel that he's starting to feel annoyed already. I'm pretty sure my insecurity comes from the past, I grew up with ignorant parents and feel abandonment all the time, those insecurities and feeling being abandoned only come up when I'm with my bf. I never feel anything like this before all my life.

I really want to know how to be free from those negative feelings, my bf obviously love and care about me, but I keep asking for reassurance from him....

Btw, I've decided to take it easy. I will try NOT to think if he's going to propose or not. Like some advice I got from here, I will just grateful he's in my life, besides he's been really patient and loving to me. Yes, my clock is ticking, but I will have faith in him and trust him completely even if that means there's a possibility I will get hurt again.

Thank you all for being so honest and supportive!

Personally, I would not wait forever. You guys are not young and 5 years is a long time. It is your life of course and your decisions to make, but I don't think you should wait indefinitely if marriage is important to you.

There is no such thing as "promising" to get engaged. That's like promising to make a promise.

Sorry, but I would reconsider your relationship and where it's going.