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  1. #1
    Platinum Member hers's Avatar
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    In love with someone you've never met

    I'm not bashing anyone at all. I'm only writing this to try to understand how it's possible for 2 people to be in love and in a relationship strictly via the internet/phone and they have never met.

    I've never done that before, and to be honest, I have no desire to. The only experience I have with it is my uncle met his wife online and they finally met after 6 months or so of "being in a relationship" online and they are married now with 4 young kids.

    How is it possible though? How do you fall in love wiht someone online and you've never met them? How do you consider yourself "in a relationship" and call this person a boyfriend or girlfriend? How much time do you spend talking to this person? Does your social life suffer? How does the relationship progress?

    I've met people offline and had relationships with people I've met offline, but they've always been nearby and people I've seen on a regular basis. I'm just trying to understand how it's possible and what you "gain" from it in the long-run.
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    Bronze Member lanty3's Avatar
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    I think it's a matter of the "law of averages". With so many people communicating via internet, it's possible, but quite improbable, that a real relationship can develop.
    Sorry about Estelle Getty.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member hers's Avatar
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    That's my main question--what do you do about long-term? How do you decide where it goes? Is it worth it?
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    Bronze Member lanty3's Avatar
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    Well, I think it's a quirk of the modern age. If they make contact only by internet for months, perhaps the anticipation of the day they actually meet sustains them. This same feeling can also reinforce, not just lead the pair to making a commitment to being a couple.
    Is it worth it? In the case of your uncle it certainly was.
    It's taking a chance, an emotional risk, but any relationship is.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cognitive_Canine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hersmudders View Post
    That's my main question--what do you do about long-term? How do you decide where it goes? Is it worth it?
    I think 4 times out of 5, it won't work because people more or less like the fantasy aspect. Also, what people write and how they actually say it are far different things. The internet allows us to carefully consider what we are about to say and edit it. Real life talking does not.

    However, I guess it is possible for two people to find love (just as your uncle did) via the internet. Both people have to be completely real though throughout the proccess.
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  7. #6
    Platinum Member hers's Avatar
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    With my uncle, they lived 2000 miles away but considered themselves "together". How do you do that? I don't think I could say "I have a boyfreidn" if I've never met him. It doesn't make sense to me. Yeah with my uncle it worked out, but with a lot of sacrifices (she moved to be with him, uprooted her son from a previous marriage from everything he knew, quit her job, etc, to move with this man she had never met before). How do you decide who makes those sacrifices? It doesn't make much sense to me.
    I'm as jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo!

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  8. #7
    Bronze Member lanty3's Avatar
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    I think we can only leave this to the "mystery of love" meeting up with modern technology.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member tiredofvampires's Avatar
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    I'm just trying to understand how it's possible and what you "gain" from it in the long-run.
    As in the case of your uncle, he gained a lifelong companion and a family.

    And I would add, such a serious enterprise can only be entered upon with such serious intentions.

    Before stating my case, I'd like to first mention that I sit here reading your post, and wonder what may have motivated it. I think it's a perfectly legitimate question, but if you are happy with the ways you have been meeting people and developing relationships, and that's working for you, and have no desire to meet people this way...what compels you to ask? Sheer curiosity?

    Contrary to popular conception, I have not found my online connections (which are numerous) to be less emotionally involved, less "real", less genuine or authentic somehow than my offline ones. In fact, although I have an array on offline friendships and that's how all but one of my romantic relationships began (my last ex being someone I met online), I would say that there has been no correlation between how bonded I feel to them and how much I can or do see them in the flesh.

    My personal backstory is that, realizing the incredibly limited dating "market" locally, I expanded my reach and very quickly, upon investing in a dating site's services, found someone who I developed what seemed to be a seamless rapport. I consider myself a pretty savvy person in character judgment, and am a cautious person in general who scrutinizes things (and people) very closely. But this was nothing short of a magnetic, visceral instinct I had. This felt unprecedented. In our case, since this was a dating site, we both knew that the "agenda" was meeting someone for a potential romantic union. (Since then, I've started to question that this is the best online type of venue to meet someone, since there is more pressure than say, an online community of like-minded people who aren't seeking romance, necessarily.) But the conversations started with describing some of our personal orientation to the world and things that had factored heavily into our personal philosophies. We found so much common ground here, that it wasn't a far leap from there to desire more and more in-depth dialogue and self-disclosure. As this grew, so did the sense of "kindredness", the feeling that we had been looking for the same things without much luck...and this how we both felt water had been struck. It was a very natural process.

    How do you fall in love wiht someone online and you've never met them? How do you consider yourself "in a relationship" and call this person a boyfriend or girlfriend?
    What is it that makes YOU fall in love with a person? I will tell you that for me, it's the character they have; the way they express themselves; the ideas that they have; the spirit they carry; the soul fire that drives them -- and the way these things all dovetail with me, and mine. I don't need to physically be with them to sense all this. Though it's not a proposition for the impatient, or the needy. If you can't see someone in real time for ages, and you feel that they might be what you've been waiting for, you've got to be ready to wait yet some more. One thing I have in ample quantities is great patience -- I can hold out for a good thing. With no timeframe. Because I know that a good thing for me would be also a rare thing in the world. And I've done without it for decades, so what's another few weeks or months? I also feel that there is a "test" involved in this -- the mettle of each person is truly tested by this kind of "faith." If either person is unfit for this challenge for any reason, it will show up during this waiting and getting-to-know process. And I don't mean to put anyone down, but some people are not up to such a process because it involves a lot of risk-taking. You are taking a gamble that your loved one far away is loyal and as persevering as you. You have to trust that they are honest with you, that they are not fickle. You have to trust them that they are serious. And to tell the truth, these are all the qualities, that if proven, make for a very noble, solid, grounded person. So you can actually tell a lot about a person by such a trial period. You can see their character in action this way.

    And the more they prove themselves in these ways, without the relationship crumbling in neediness, accusations, mistrust, and desperation, the more your attraction to them grows and grows, the love more and more solidified.

    There is also something very sweet in yearning that can't be underestimated. It's a bittersweet tonic, but if you are a romantic, it's kind of your staple. Yearning is a bit the core of passion anyway. So this is part of the "in love" mixture that any relationship involves, only in this case, it must be tempered with down-to-earth and level-headed vision. People who think that online love is for the "unrealistic" should have a closer look at the impetuous ways their offline romances started.

    One thing I learned about this is that if you don't like to write or talk on the phone a lot, this is not going to work out for you. One or both of these media have to resonate with both parties in a way that sparks are continually stoked. Personally, I far prefer writing to the phone, actually, because for me it's a medium where I feel most reflective and a more clear image of me comes through. And he felt the same way, even though we used both heavily. Yes, oddly enough -- ! A voice tells so much, but common parlance also does tend to make conversations more mundane, about the daily grind -- and so more critical things, such as opinions and personal philsophies, in my experience don't get as clearly conveyed in regular banter as writing.

    But it's a combination of both that makes the car go -- and in the case of me and my ex, our first conversation on the phone after about 4 months of ONLY writing was 8 hours long. Subsequent conversations ranged from 4 to 15 hours at a stretch, though the 15 hours ones were more a product of some emerging trouble in the relationship that we were trying to work through. And I also realized that if both people are not equally on the same page with fortitude, trust, comfort in one's independence, and openness, this isn't going to work either. Such a set-up makes the more insecure person constantly questioning of the motives of the other; the distance grates on them; the lack of physical touch becomes an oppression. This should have been evident to me with my ex from his very first message to me, which said, "Normally I would not be interested in someone as far away as you, but there's something about your profile and what you've written here that exceeds anything I've come across near or far."

    That stunner of an opening instantly grabbed me. But hidden into that was a fatal flaw that I didn't see clearly at the time -- he really didn't believe in something like this. If you read between the lines there, it's all so evident.

    Lesson learned.

    The only way my social life suffered was that he perpetually was creating drama that caused me to be exhausted, and the exhaustion made me unavailable to my friends at times -- not to mention, they got tired of hearing about my bf woes. But for the most part, it was like any other relationship -- I had me time, and us time. Time apart and time together. The time we spent together was not the problem, it was what was going on during a good bit of that time.

    But the level of connection we felt for eachother automatically precluded feeling anything remotely for anyone else; so the emotional exclusivity during our 6 month run-up to meeting in person (same as your uncle) was a given. I couldn't dream of loving anyone else this much, and he felt the same, so it wasn't even an option not to call him my "boyfriend" or him to call me his "girlfriend." The committment was there, that's why the labels fit. But people did look at me quite askance when they found out I had a "boyfriend"...but hadn't met him yet. He and I encountered the same kind of flack, so we both agreed with some deliciously secretive humor to just let everyone keep guessing, because "we know what we have, to hell with what the world thinks."

    I only wish mine had turned out the way it did for your uncle. And I'm grateful for your thread for that much -- to know that someone DID start out just the way we did, and I was not crazy to think it could have, might have worked. If only.

    If only...
    Last edited by tiredofvampires; 08-12-2008 at 10:42 PM.
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  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cognitive_Canine's Avatar
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    ^^^

    yeah, I didn't read all of it TOV. But it was really long and had a lot of big words. So, I assume it is amazing.
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    People are my religion and I believe in them.
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  11. #10
    Gold Member sti_2004's Avatar
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    its a mental connection. the base of any connection.



    debaser!! its you again..

    jokes.

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