Hi all
There are many posts in here regarding advice for those who are dating commitmentphobic people, but none that I can see regarding advice for people who are commitmentphobic.
I am someone who suffers from commitmentphobia (and believe me, we do suffer). I don't know why I am as I am a happy woman who had a normal happy childhood. I haven't suffered any real pain in my life, but I have always been the same when it comes to relationships.
I always shower people with affection at the beginning, I try so hard to get men to like me and want me, and the first few weeks are always brilliant. I get all the butterfly feelings and electricity that comes at the beginning. The excitement of "does he like me", "does he think of me as a girlfriend or is it just physical".
The problem comes however when the relationship moves from being fun dates and getting to know someone, to the next part of it becoming more romantic and the dreaded "I love you". This seems to be the kiss of death. I all of a sudden feel myself picking holes in them, nothing is ever good enough and everything they do is just so irritating. I cannot seem to stop this. I have been like it since i started dating over ten years ago.
I have been through periods of just not dating, my last one was two years without a date. I would unintentionally never put myself in a position where somebody could ask me out. And my instant reaction when somebody did ask was "No". I wouldn't even give them a chance. My friend finally persuaded me to say yes to the next guy that asked me out just so I would go out on a date for the first time in a couple of years. I didn't think it was such a big issue so I agreed. We started dating and again the cycle began. It was great at first - I thought he was great etc, as soon as he said he loved me, I just immediately - like clockwork - was unattracted to him.
I don't particularly fear relationships and marriage. I do so want to get married and have children, the problem is that I am not attracted to men that like me, however I do fall in love very quickly with men that are completely unattainable.
I know this is all part of commitmentphobia, and I know that in most cases therapy doesn't work for this kind of issue, I wouldn't even know where to begin as I don't even know why I suffer from it.
What I would like is advice from people who have been in similar situations and what they did to combat it? Can it ever be overcome or is it something that will just pass in time?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I really don't want to end up a lonely old maid, but then I don't want to have to force myself to be with someone with no attraction just for the sake of getting married and having kids etc.