This is difficult to explain. I'll try to best descrbe everything is the best possible way.
I met this guy coming into highschool from my brother. We didn't really talk the first year. We started talking the next to year. We started getting close and I always had a thing for him. He started making the moves, holding my hand and everything. So he finally popped the question. Now were together. Everything started out great. I was trying to be me, yet I think I was trying to be someone I wasn't. Now, its finally caught up to me and I feel like s**t.
Moving on..things got bad. He started cutting himself. I cried in front of him only because he was doing that in front of me and I wanted him to stop. I made him stop and he felt so stupid. He stopped that day. He denies that it is my fault for making him cut himself yet, I know it's my fault. Like I'm nice to him and all of the sudden he'll be like pushing me away and stuff, and when I try and try, he still ignored the fact that i'm trying. So I give up go only the computer and just kind of slightly ignore him. He leave and says his life is a wreck. So later, he comes back all trying to snuggle and stuff, me trying not to cause any problems, I just be nice and follow along. Then he'll get mad because he's like we'll you ignored me and whatnot. I'm just like, I was trying to get your attention the whole time and you ignored the fact that I tried.
However, all this argument cause me to cut myself. He does make a point. Saying that I don't try. But then my and my 2 second thinking doesn't use my brain and just goes with whatever and cuts myself. Blaming myself for everything. He see's my wrist, and crys that it's not my fault and it's his fault. I'm just like then who the heck is it me or you. Later on today, he's b****ing. He says its's all my fault. Let me add a detail.++I have a livejournal. I posted my wrist and wrote a little entry saying that I do it but I love him. This girl Sara told him...++ So he ims me saying everyones telling me about you post. Thats so freaking stupid why would you do that. I agree. I deleted my journal. Yet he still is not pleased. We had started all over already. He's broken up with me already. We got back. I broke up with him, we got back.
This is something that it is so hard to explain. I told him, ~please don't judge me ok..~ but when we were talking, cause of when I cut myself he said it wasn't his fault and that he needs to change and not me. That i'm fine. Now because of this little post, i'm the f**k up and he isn't. Its a journal for christsake, I ususally post everything. Anyways, on to the subject..onto the judging factor, I told him that I would change. He want a gf, a real gf, one that doesn't lie, is truthful, honest, can show love, passion, never argues. (I find that the day is going well, and when I try to be near him, he backs away for no reason, causing me to get mad, cause the day before he's fine.) Whats wrong with this boy!?! I can't leave him, I love him way to much. I've hurt him, in my and his opinion way too much.
Im trying to hard. So I guess after all this explaining, in which I know none of it makes sense, I hope you all can bear with me its 1:30 in the morning, anyways, just I just need some advice on:
How to change my attitude, being a real gf, and yada yada, since I don't know how
Thanks,
Much Love,
Kristen
