I'm scared of getting married

[Scared2007]

Love cannot be forced, it just is. Friend, I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel. I knew it was over with my ex a year and half before it ended offically. I realized it during a family BBQ. His family. I looked around and thought, "oh my gosh, if I ever broke up with him, he would have to explain to all these people." I was afraid of the mess afterwards. I felt trapped. But I was miserable and he was not happy either, even though he denied it.

 

Love is something that just is. There is no logic in emotions or feelings. It is okay that you do not love this man, you are not a bad person for that. But cheating is horrible, it is cruel. I know this is not what you had in mind. There is that special someone out there for you.

 

I realized that I didn't love him back in January. I remember just looking at him accross the room and wanting to die inside because I realized that I felt nothing. I looked at him, the man I was to marry, and felt nothing.

 

We went through the rage period when I first moved in with him. I missed my friends. We got a puppy that I resented because he was a ton of responsiblity.

 

I feel that before this whole coworker thing I was doing fine. I had accepted that this is what my life is to be. We're already living together. Getting married won't change a thing. I thought I was ok with it.

[Scared2007]

Is love this crazy, no logic thing? Is that how it's supposed to be? Maybe I'm jaded. I am an extremely in-control person. I cannot imagine for a minute that I would ever let myself get to the point where I am head over heels in love with someone.

 

It's not like I even have crazy feelings for this coworker. I wouldn't date him or anything. I don't want to see him again in that context.

 

Your one sentence sums up exactly what I feel:

 

I feel trapped.

 

Oh my god. What am I going to do??

[kellbell]

But you are not okay with it, you are dying inside. You body, your brain, everything is telling you this is not right. You resented a puppy, are you going to resent future kids because they are a TON of responsibility! More so than a puppy. Friend, the signs are EVERYWHERE, SCREAMING at you to get out. Please, for your sake and his, let him go.

 

I too, am a control-freak and you have to let go of that control. Control what you can and leave the rest up to God, or whomever or whatever. And have the knowledge and wisdom to tell the difference of what you can control and cannot control. We cannot control how we feel or what happens to us but we CAN control how we react.

 

Everything can be undone, such as the wedding plans, the lease, everything. This is your life and his life. You deserve to feel free and so does he.

[ghost69]

would you want to marry him if you found out he was sleeping all over and didn't like you the way you liked him? nope.

 

let this guy's heart be whole with someone. you have a lot of leaks.

[Batya33]

Love and chemistry cannot be forced, but you can choose to be open to love and chemistry and you can choose to reignite a spark that was once there (often works!), you can choose to build on the loving feelings you do have in the name of commitment or in the name of whatever. But I agree that nothing can come from "nothing" in the way of love and passion.

 

Chemistry changes, passion changes, fades, love morphs into different forms but I think you need the basics - love (not necesarily "over the moon" in love), respect, trust, admiration, hopefully best friends, and yes chemistry whether that is entirely sexual, partly that "friendship" chemistry, etc. I don't think most happily married people focus on the butterflies but they feel reasonably secure that even if the spark seems to be absent or very tiny for awhile they can re-connect and they both want to re-connect.

 

It is not about Mr. Right on Paper or who you "should" love. If it were that easy -- well I won't get into my stories. Irrelevant. Let's just say been there done that. There is a level of control we do have -you can decide that there are certain basics you must have in a partner so that you don't wind up saying "I can't help it that I fell in love with a married person/alcoholic/lazy person" - but after that, no, you can't go with a perspective of "if he fits all the things I am looking for on my list then I should love him."

 

I smile when I think of all the Rights on Paper I met in various ways, of the gorgeous men who left me cold, of the brilliant men who left me bored, even though with each one I "should" have felt "something." Sometimes it's easy - you can point to the dealbreaker, but sometimes it's just one of those things - It's. Just. Not. There. I've posted on this board that by the fourth date if I don't have the desire to kiss someone I am done. Same idea. Doesn't matter who he is, what he's done, if he's the greatest guy from an objective perspective - if I don't at least want to kiss the guy then something's off. It can be very frustrating because of the image of who you're "supposed to desire/love" etc.

 

If you weren't cheating on him and if you weren't repelled by the idea of settling down with babies or whatever it is that you two have discussed your marriage would be like, we'd have room to negotiate here. If you told me that you were faithful but no longer felt the magic, there would be room to work on reigniting that spark. But it takes two people putting in 100% to re-connect. Here there is only one mr. right on paper and one ambivalent lady having some extracurricular "fun." It just doesn't sound good.

[Siriana]

You're just 24?!

 

O.k. you don't have to get married.

 

You're even not ready for marriagge.

 

So you think you need to get married, do what all the other people you know do...if someone jumps off the bridge you're going to do it too??

 

 

Also the reason why your fiancee is not the one for you is very simple - he's not the one for you! You don't feel it. Thats it.

[Batya33]

You're just 24?!

 

O.k. you don't have to get married.

 

You're even not ready for marriagge.

 

So you think you need to get married, do what all the other people you know do...if someone jumps off the bridge you're going to do it too??

 

 

Also the reason why your fiancee is not the one for you is very simple - he's not the one for you! You don't feel it. Thats it.

 

24 is not too young in my opinion - but it sounds like she is not ready for marriage.

[hosswhispra]

Are you worried about being 'alone'/not in a relationship more than about marrying someone you not want to marry?

[Scared2007]

Are you worried about being 'alone'/not in a relationship more than about marrying someone you not want to marry?

 

I'm not too worried about being alone. I loved being single. I could have a much more fulfilling career, go back to school, etc. So think being alone affords me more options, as I am the only one my decisions affect.

[hosswhispra]

I'm not too worried about being alone. I loved being single. I could have a much more fulfilling career, go back to school, etc. So think being alone affords me more options, as I am the only one my decisions affect.

 

I think that it is *good* that you have consciously thought about not marrying him--as opposed to going through with the marriage and ending up in a marriage that you are unhappy in. That happens--take a look at some of the messages/posts on enotalone. I personally know a woman who got married to a nice guy (she couldn't find anything wrong with him) because she was tired of dating and her friends were getting married. 18 years later she finds herself in a sparkless marriage and revolted when her husband touches her or wants sex with her. She wonders what her life would be like if she never married him when she had all the similar doubts (at the very beginning of the relationship!) that you are expressing here today.

 

Life is too short to be unhappy! Don't marry this guy. Go and find out who you are and what you want.

 

Good luck,

hosswhispra

[Scared2007]

I personally know a woman who got married to a nice guy (she couldn't find anything wrong with him) because she was tired of dating and her friends were getting married. 18 years later she finds herself in a sparkless marriage and revolted when her husband touches her or wants sex with her. She wonders what her life would be like if she never married him when she had all the similar doubts (at the very beginning of the relationship!) that you are expressing here today.

 

Life is too short to be unhappy! Don't marry this guy. Go and find out who you are and what you want.

 

This is exactly what I'm afraid of. I know that if I marry him I could probably handle the loveless relationship for just a few years and then I'd be divorced.

 

I know that I need to call this off. I have no idea how.

[kellbell]

"know that if I marry him I could probably handle the loveless relationship for just a few years and then I'd be divorced."

 

Then do not get married. You need to talk to him, TODAY and tell him how you feel. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. I know this will not be easy but in most cases, the hardest choice is usually the correct one.

[hosswhispra]

I know that I need to call this off. I have no idea how.

 

You just call it off. It won't be easy but in the long run it will be the easier option....

 

If it makes you feel better, my best friend called her wedding off one month before the wedding date--she was 22. She is now (10 years later) with someone who she feels passion for.

[ghost69]

you need to tell this guy before it is too late. usually when this happens the sex is somewhat different or less frequent. is this the case? if he isn't picking up on this, you need to explain it to him.

[Scared2007]

you need to tell this guy before it is too late. usually when this happens the sex is somewhat different or less frequent. is this the case? if he isn't picking up on this, you need to explain it to him.

 

We have sex about twice a month, which I am unhappy with to begin with. After we separated for a week, I did discuss my displeasure in our sex life or lack there of.

 

I just talked to him. (He's on his way home from a business meeting accross state) He can tell something is up. He asked me repeatedly what was wrong.

 

I'm awful. I can't believe I'm in this situation. I put myself here. I'm a selfish witch. I cannot possibly marry someone who's feelings I have such little regard for.

 

My head hurts and my heart is racing. I wish I could think of another way to get out of this.

[Siriana]

I know the feeling.....

I've been there more than once...feeling awfull when a brake up was necessary.

Hoping that person will dump me.....cheat on me...whatever...

[kellbell]

"My head hurts and my heart is racing. I wish I could think of another way to get out of this."

 

I am so sorry things did not work out like you had hoped. These things happen and I sure your fiance has known for sometime things have not been right. You need to be honest with him.

 

And stick to your decision!!! Try not to let his crying, begging or pleading sway you and guilt you back. You have admitted you have little regard for this man, tears, begging, pleading and so forth is not going to change it.

 

You both WILL hurt. No doubt. But the hurt will go away when the clouds clear and as time goes on. This is not going to be easy for either of you. Please keep us informed and keep posting, we are here to listen and help.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Scared2007]

I know the feeling.....

I've been there more than once...feeling awfull when a brake up was necessary.

Hoping that person will dump me.....cheat on me...whatever...

 

Yup I was just thinking I wish he would do something so I could justify it to myself. He's just not it. That's the only reason. He's wonderful. He's got a wonderful family and wonderful friends. He's just not it.

 

Kellbell - I agree that I must stick to my decision. I came back before after he cried. I cannot do that again. I will be strong and honest. He is amazing, just not for me. What makes me feel the worst- he'll probably be so understanding. He won't yell, he didn't before, he just cried. He told me he understood if I didn't want to get married.

 

Thank you everyone for your help. I have been saying in my head that I'm not ready for a long time now. I guess I just needed someone to tell me that it's ok to not be ready.

 

I'll probably keep posting random things just because I need somewhere to put them and I'm going to need all the support I can get. My family is going to be angry, my closest friends will be upset and I have shower gifts to return on top of all that.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

"My family is going to be angry, my closest friends will be upset and I have shower gifts to return on top of all that."

 

Why would your family be angry? I would hope they would want you to be happy and honest with yourself. If they paid for some of the wedding, well it is just money and I sure they can get some of it back. Give the shower gifts back to whom gave them to you so they can return them and their money back. Plus, this is YOUR life, your happiness...not theirs. If they do not like it....tough! True friends will understand and will support you.

[Siriana]

Feel free to vent as much as you need!

[cmm84]

I think your mind is made up. He may be the perfect man for somebody, but not the perfect man for you!

 

Dont get married. You dont love your fiancé, if you did you wouldnt want to hurt him like you are when you cheat on him.

 

It may be hard to break off the engagement but it'll be easier now, then a few years later getting a divorce.

 

 

I am engaged now and I would do anything for him. I certainly don't want to hurt him or be with any other man BUT him!

 

You have to be honest with yourself.

 

Find that guy that you really want to spend the rest of your life with. Dont waste this guys time.

[amtjrtcet]

I agree with Ray Kay, you don't deserve him. You should break the engagement off. He doesn't deserve this.

 

But be careful. Its funny how people always seem to think its sooo much better on the other side of the fence.

[Scared2007]

But be careful. Its funny how people always seem to think its sooo much better on the other side of the fence.

 

I have thought and thought about that. What if I regret my decision? I pretty much know that I won't find a person that treats me as well as he does.

 

My post isn't about single being better than married. I don't think that at all. I want to be married eventually, to a person I finally get those crazy love feelings for.

[Batya33]

If your focus is on crazy love feelings - if that is your priority - then you're going to have a hard time because those crazy love feelings come and go and mostly come in the beginning when there is all that build up, mystery, intrigue, etc. Having said that you don't marry someone on the basis that they would make a faithful puppy dog. There is a middle ground.

[Scared2007]

If your focus is on crazy love feelings - if that is your priority - then you're going to have a hard time because those crazy love feelings come and go and mostly come in the beginning when there is all that build up, mystery, intrigue, etc. Having said that you don't marry someone on the basis that they would make a faithful puppy dog. There is a middle ground.

 

You are absolutely right.