I'm scared of getting married

[Scared2007]

Honey, don't get married. Listen to your inner voice.

 

I was in a similar situation 6 years ago. I didn't cheat, but I knew inside he wasn't the one for me. I'm now married to a man I don't love "that way" and am miserable. I shouldn't be because I have that stereotypical "great" life that you described, but I am...and it sucks.

 

Feel free to PM me if you want to "talk".

 

I tried to PM you but it wouldn't let me. I'd love to chat with you further... Am I missing something??

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

It doesn't have to be so cut and dry...everyone is telling her to end her relationship without knowing all the facts.

 

so you are level headed when it comes to love..i can be as well..that doesn't mean you DON'T love.

 

I think you are not ready for marriage ..and you are fighting it and almost self sabotaging everything with the cheating etc.

 

i think you should take some time ALONE- no one night stands - no dating anyone...ALONE and figure out what YOU want before you go and end something and then create this yo yo back and forth ..wedding on wedding off.

 

Talk to your fiance...if you are going to marry the guy you should be able to communicate fears ect...

 

I just dont think you should give up totally ....there is nothing wrong with postponing..this is a life long decision and if you dont' fully think it through you may have regrets whichever direction you go.

 

Thats just my opinion ..i could be way off base but thats what i think.

[kellbell]

"It doesn't have to be so cut and dry...everyone is telling her to end her relationship without knowing all the facts."

 

Well, when a person cheats on his/her partner and feels no remose, there is a problem. She has stated she has no regard for him, does not love him, pities/feels sorry for him, is not attracted to him and cries after they are intimate. How is that enough to stay?

 

It is not cut and dry. This will hurt and take some time to undo.

[ghost69]

ur not awful for telling him your feelings. it's better for him and you.

[Scared2007]

An update for anyone who was wondering...

 

He came home Friday night and I was honestly mad that he was even coming home. We had to go have dinner with his parents to pick up the dog. He was exhausted and didn't even want to make small talk with me.

 

Saturday we actually had a nice day. We took the dog for a walk and I kept thinking to myself- what would be so bad about a life like this??

 

Yesterday I spent the day with my mother. I told her everything that's going on- even the whole coworker thing. She says I just have to tell him. She doesn't think I'm ready either.

 

I just keep going back to the fact that it's just me. I wonder if I am lacking passion in my life in general and I am taking it out on him. I have no hobbies and wonder if I am expecting him to be my everything, to be my happiness. That's not fair to him either. I love him and appreciate him but I know that he can't be my everything.

 

My mother feels that I should be seeking the help of a doctor. I'm bipolar and unmedicated. I feel like I'm going crazy in my own skin...

 

I am going to be a coward and write him a letter. I don't think I can look him in the eye and break his heart. It will be just too painful.

[Siriana]

 

My mother feels that I should be seeking the help of a doctor. I'm bipolar and unmedicated. I feel like I'm going crazy in my own skin...

 

I am going to be a coward and write him a letter. I don't think I can look him in the eye and break his heart. It will be just too painful.

 

It would be wise seeing a doctor to find out if you need some meds theraphy.

Not because of this situation but for your benefit in general. It could help you a lot.

I don't know much about being bipolar, but seeing a doctor is always a good thing.

 

When it comes to telling him about your decision it would be fair not to tell him about cheating.

Whole truth and nothing but the truth will hurt him a lot and the only benefit out of it would be you feeling less guilty...so better to consider his emotions and to spare him some hurtfull details.

 

Good luck in everything!

[Scared2007]

When it comes to telling him about your decision it would be fair not to tell him about cheating.

Whole truth and nothing but the truth will hurt him a lot and the only benefit out of it would be you feeling less guilty...so better to consider his emotions and to spare him some hurtfull details.

 

 

I was thinking the same thing. I need to leave him with some dignity in all this. He has self-esteem issues as is, no need to bruise his ego further.

[Siriana]

I agree....no need to be cruel

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

"He came home Friday night and I was honestly mad that he was even coming home."

 

This will happen more often as time goes along. The exact thing happened to me, I felt rage. It was like my ex was invading my space even though we were still together. YOU NEED to let this man go. It WILL GET WORSE!

 

I would get your Bi-Polar under control. Although you have a mental disorder, it does not excuse cruel or bad behavior towards others, you need to be responsible for your actions.

 

Do not write him a letter, tell it to his face. Be strong. Hang in there and keep talking to us.

[Siriana]

Hey there,

 

"He came home Friday night and I was honestly mad that he was even coming home."

 

 

I've been there too!!!

[Chronic]

What happened with Scared2007?

[Confused2007]

I just have to say thanks to Scared2007 and KellBell - I googled 'scared of marriage' and I got this post - Scared2007's posts sounded like it was me posting it. I got tears in my eyes when I realised I was not the only one going through sh*t like this.

After I read it I posted on this site. (Should I stay or should I go)

 

And thanks for KellBell to be so understanding and offer sound advice... I have that inner voice that tells me it shouldn't be, but also the one that tells me he is awesome, why don't I feel more. This is after 8 years - I'm 28. So after that amount of time, I know we're 'compatible' and I'm getting old (in getting babies years). He's my friend, I can chat to him and we have the same interests, but I have no urge to sleep with him (anymore, it used to be there). And I know the day we part it is the end, we won't even be friends anymore...

And we have a lot of the same friends and we move in the same industry circles (work).

 

The other thing is I chat to some of my friends and my sister, and I realise that my relationship is much better than theirs and I feel even worse about how I feel. Why am I not satisfied with what we have? BUT, this has now been going on for almost 3 years, and I wish I could know how he REALLY feels - there is no way that he is perfectly happy. Why doesn't he confront me about the lack of sex?

 

I'm afraid of breaking up and meeting up with the next guy and he is a cheater, or like strip clubs, or or or... while I know my boyfriend won't do anything like that. Although I have to add that he has done a lot of things to make me quite numb - he is always working, when I plan holidays he is always busy, I have to do everything around the house, etc. A lot of things that caused me to start living my own life and it might have made me realise I don't need him. Ag, this post can go on and on. Sorry, I needed to rant.

 

Thanks for listening... still don't know what I'm going to day. To quote what I was searching 'Scared of getting Married' - and I'm afraid of the day he's going to ask me. It wil be either the end, or the start of a doubtful marriage. I think I know that I need to break it off, but it is not that easy when you're on the inside. From the outside looking in everything makes sense...

 

Thanks!

[travelgurl3]

Hello,

 

I too googled "scared of marriage" and reading the 7 pages of conversation also brought me to tears. I can relate to many things said by scared2007 and confused2007. Confused2007, I also had the experience of becoming more independent and eventually feeling like I didn't need my, now, fiance, and even stopped looking forward to him coming over.

 

We met about 4 years ago and it of course started out great. I spent most of our relationship after 1 year dropping hints about a proposal. Now, almost 3 years later I get one. We've been engaged for about a month and I've been in a mild depression ever since. He had a breathtaking proposal and the only words I could mutter out were "okay?" I am so depressed over the lack of feeling of excitement when he proposed and the feeling that I am stuck. I don't know what to do so I just work, sleep and drink so that I stop thinking about it all. I've had everyone at my work (more than 50 people) ask me to tell about my awesome engagement and they are so excited for me..and yet I feel nothing but fear that I will have to face the embarrassment of telling my co-workers and family its off (if that becomes the case). The best part of it all has been all of the positive attention I get from everyone. I am truly someone to loves positive attention (don't we all) but am VERY anxious of negative attention (embarrassment, arguments, etc.).

 

I don't know what to do. I have a pattern of becoming bored with guys after the passion faze wears off. I too wonder if I am just not meant to feel the simple way some girls feel (they simply meet a guy and stick with him) and if that is the case if I should just ignore my feelings and be mature. I have found myself crushing on other guys..not cheating, but fantasizing about them.

 

I guess I'm just wondering if I should try to rekindle our love instead of avoiding seeing him like I've been doing. Avoiding him has made him resentful and when we do hang out he is distant which more fully confirms that I should have doubts. Even when I talk to him he immaturely says "you can still say no." Which makes me more so think we're both not ready. Anyway, I could go on and on.

 

Any advice or words of encouragement???

[Hopeful2008]

Thank you all for your posts!! Like some of you (scared2007, confused2007, travelgurl) I read your thoughts, feelings, doubts and concerns and felt like I was reading my own. So far I have been in two wonderful, long relationships with "perfect" (good looking, thoughtful, non-cheating, like a best friend) guys just to find out after about 2 years I disinterested in sex, having doubts and wonder WHY?? Why Why Why Why. So Im going to tell you a little of my own experience and then try to give the best advice I can from it. Though I am still in my own semi-doubtful relationship... so take it for what it's worth.

 

My first long relationship was for nearly 4 years and he was an exceptional guy - smart, thoughtful, warm, loving. However, the sex became more of a chore than something to look forward to, the attraction was gone and I began to question things. Long story short, we went to counseling, we broke up, I was severly depressed for 4 months, thought I could never find someone better and I eventually moved on. I look back now and it was the best thing I could have done. We are still friends and I met someone who, to this day, I think is 10 times better. So it DOES happen!!

 

Well this 10x better guy proposed to me after a year and a half of a great relationship and I am again, in a whirlwind of doubt. I said yes because I didnt want to say no, threw up the next day from anxiety, and told him I wasn't ready. He understood because he is wonderful, but a year later he wants to know when when when when will I be ready? I don't know myself, the thought of marriage makes me sick and scared, and yet I do know I don't want to be alone. What is wrong with me??

 

My thoughts and advice to others like me: it's okay to feel the way you do... it doesn't make you a bad person. In fact I think it makes you more aware of your yourself and your feelings and it is better than rushing into things without a second's thought. My brother met the "girl of his dreams," "THE ONE," they got married after a year of crazy love and after 2 months divorced. Now he is taking things slow. One suggestion: if you are truly uncertain and question your love for your guy, take a break. Take time away from that person and don't talk to them for a couple months. During that time you may realize more about how you feel and you will be OUT of the bubble of your relationship (the comfort and familiarity which can sometimes be mistaken for love). It is such a good idea to step away and gain some perspective. Your feelings and ultimate decision may go either way. But dont dont dont be scared of not finding someone else who is great because you will. People find the "love of their lives" in their 30's +.

 

I'm scared to get married because it is such a long, definitive decision I am NOT ready to make it. Like travelgurl I see married couples who think a great weekend is doing yardwork. Blah! I want to travel, go out, go to shows and LIVE LIFE without a confine! I want to be happy on my wedding day like you see girls in pictures... not throwing up because I think I've just tied a ball and chain around my leg. Though to counter, I do think you can find a guy who wants similar things and doesn't want to become an "old married couple." I am 27, similar in age to you girls, and I have to say... you have the REST OF YOUR LIFE to be married. That is a very long time. You have a much shorter time to be you and soul search. Don't do something for someone else or because of expectations from family or friends. This is YOUR life and what may be right for someone else doesn't make it right for you. You only live once and life is too damn short to be unhappy with someone or to make them unhappy. Follow your gut, be scared and uncomfortable for awhile, seek comfort from friends and family and be patient.

 

We are in a generation (unlike our grandparents) where divorce is prevalent and we have a habit of wanting more, bigger and better, what we can't have, butterflies forever, the movie image of love, passionate giddy sex. To be honest I don't know what part of those lasts, is real, or is possible. I am in a relationship now where I have doubts, want answers, feel unsure and like a bad person because of it. So for what it's worth, thank you for your stories and for making ME feel more "normal."

[allypally]

I think you are in a different place to your fiance.

 

You are most definitely not ready for marriage and you don't sound compatible with your fiance as to how you want to live your life.

 

The nicest thing you can do is walk away from the relationship NOW because the longer you wait, it'll only end in tears anyway.

[travelgurl3]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm also 27. I have a great fear that I will always always always become bored with the one I'm with, but like I've done before I will not become bored for several years. thereforee feeling like I've wasted so many years. I fear doing so again and again until I'm old. It also makes it difficult to hear about old friends who are happily married. I know..the grass is greener on the other side, but they really just don't seem to be plagued with this problem.

[AppleMagic]

You have GOT to be sexually attracted to whomever you are going to marry. PLEASE don't marry this man! You deserve true love. This is not how its supposed to be. There are people who are really happily married to their favorite person in the whole world. There is really no point in getting married if you don't really LOVE being around the person and LOVE having sex with them. Please don't do it.

[Audrinaa]

Very interesting that you say that the validation from a stranger is more important.

 

My advice to you is to leave your bf and then to figure out why you need this validation from other guys.

You are obviously not ready for marriage.

 

Leave your boyfriend.

 

Find the strength and do the right thing.

[Luvlikethis]

I made this account just to write thank you for everyone who wrote on here especially brace scared007

 

Its 4am.... i found myself googling "scared of marriage"

I balled my eyes out after reading scared007 message... thank you (no sarcasm) i cannot breathe through my nose and my neck is choked up.

 

I found my answer. Except it wasnt that i didnt love him.. it was that im scared of commitment

and that i was very frreaked about settling down because ive been with him for 8 yrs

and didnt get a chance to be "single" (met him when i was 16 and im now 24) *yes same age as when u wrote the post*

I didnt relize how good i got it until i started dating other men.

I have a phobia of aging and often think bbak out my childhood and how i grew up too fast... also my parents divorced as welll

i think that's why settling/marriage freaks me out.. i dont want to feel like im old...

 

This topic thread is helping SO MANY PPL around the world. I hope you know that.

[NerdNo3]

Hi, I'm new to this forum. But I would like to offer a suggestion as to why you do this. I believe it's because you do not know your own worth. Your worth comes from God who sent His Son to die for you! God loves and cherishes you so much that He allowed His perfect Son to suffer for all our sins. To pay the price because we never could. Once you come to realize your worth is valued by Jesus' love for you and His sacrifice by death on the cross, you won't destroy your heart, devalue yourself and worth nor feel like you're going crazy. The thing is you DO deserve the best and a man like that but you are trying to find your value in people (men) and it will always be unsatidfying because God is calling out to you! Yes, your actions (sin) is horrible but you are not a horrible person.

 

Please take this into consideration because its not by "chance" that I'm up at 3:33 am because I can't sleep, searching online for a good pillow and came accross this forum and signed up just to tell you this. I will be praying for you for sure so know you are not fighting this alone. Just ask God to give you wisdom, discernment, peace, forgiveness and a clear and mature understanding of what love TRULY is through His eyes! You won't be disappointed I promise you this! Today's society has perceived forgiveness and love as something you must deserve, earn or work for. If that's the case then all of us fall short so that's pretty depressing right there in itself. You will ALWAYS be striving for approval and feel like you're going crazy.

Marriage is the biggest spiritual committment there is. It's a commitment to another to the fullest and its not an easy road all of the time. It's finding that someone who God has placed in your life to balance you out and be your best friend through all of life's struggles and heartaches along with the blessings and wonderful times. Me n my fiancé (getting married 12-12-12) are going through premarital christian counceling to make sure we are getting married for all the right reasons. You may have some unhealthy and unrealistic ideas about love from your past, past relationships etc. that will play a huge factor on what you think should occur with any next relationship.

 

I hope this has helped you and I pray God's hand be upon you to BLESS you and heal your heart and mind and that you will seek Him out for your answers and guidance. People/relationships will fail you at times, after all we are all under the same grace of God and all sinners but God will never fail you! Satan is here to destroy anything good, pure and holy and to lie to you. Make you think you are a horrible person undeserving of love or a great man BUT God brings RESTORATION, HEALING, MERCY, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and FORGIVENESS.

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.