so messed up.....

[Cimmie]

Hi Vanesa,

 

the truth is you won't stop loving the bastard for a long time, but one day you will.

My ex used to say to me 'I wouldn't care if you slept with other people'. Way to make a girl feel wanted. He couldn't understand why I might be upset by him saying that. It was they way he had of making himself sound liberal and open-minded, but really giving himself carte blanche to cheat on me, which he did, spectacularly.

I know how you feel when you say you are scared to separate and worried about not having a family. Ditto. Ditto.

But Kalika is very right when she says that its better to be alone and have self-respect than with a cheating liar and totally broken and miserable.

And the fact that he objected to and got rid of your friends shows that its all about HIM, as it usually is with compulsive liars.

HE chose to go outside your relationship. You have nothing to reproach yourself with. But if you waste any more time with him you may have.

Start thinking of your own long-term psychological and physical welfare. Get yourself a good lawyer. As for your husband: kick him out.

[Donnyboy]

Hi Vanesa,

 

While you are at it, don't forget to send a copy of the phone bills to your husband's girlfriend's husband. It's about time she had some problems to deal with too ! At the moment she seems free to mess up your marriage without any price to pay. I doubt she is really interested in your husband long term. Who would be? He is a liar and a cheat. If he really cared for you he would have stopped soon after he was caught the first time.

 

Best wishes & I hope things get better for you .

 

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”: FDR’s First Inaugural Address

[Rabican]

I dont see how being alone, and holding your head high and knowing that you stood up for yourself could be any worse than being lied to and played the fool by a husband who cheats on you every chance he gets.

 

Do yourself a favor, tell him you know hes still cheating on you, and its time for him to pack his bags and GET OUT!

[Vanesa]

thank you all very much. reading all of your comments is really starting to sink in for me. I have said to myself many times that it's over and i will kick him out, and then he is nice enough to me to give me hope again. i am so tired of this, and i just found out that some of our neighbours that we speak to (close in age) know what he has done. He has told the other husbands about the OW and showed them pictures of her, I mean does he actually think he will get suppport from them. Instead these other men are quite upset as they know us both and can't believe what he is doing to me. Of course one of the husband told his wife, this is how I found out.

I am really working up the courage to tell him to get out. It will take ever I have to tell him to go, but I know I have to do it. I wake up in the middle of the night crying now because I physically can not take it anymore. And to find out that some of our nieghbours know is really embarrasing, and really makes me mad. What an idiot.

[treefrogkate]

You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be in a loving and monogamous relationship, like you thought you were at one point. You don't deserve the kind of treatment you've been getting.

 

Hold your head up high. You might feel embarrassed that the neighbors know, but you and they both know that you are not the one who is cheating.

 

Good luck! I know how hard it is, and it seems like the end of the world, but trust me... it's the beginning of a new life and a chance to start over and find more happiness.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

what an immature jerk to brag about his affair to your neighbor! this sounds to me like he is playing games to stroke his own ego, and is enjoying keeping you and the OW on the hook, and bragging about it to his buddies...

 

there really are some people who are so self centered they see an affair as some kind of accomplishment, instead of being ashamed about it... he obviously feels OK about lying to you about what he is really doing, and is making promises about breaking it off with the OW that he has no intention of keeping, so i don't think you can ever trust him.

 

i suggest you consult an attorney, and learn the best way to go about getting a separation and divorce.

[Hope75]

Vanesa,

 

He will only get away with this and continue to embarrass you so long as you stay with him. Once you take control and send him out, you empower yourself and take charge of your fate. You have the control to make this stop.

 

There is no shame in being cheated on, but when he brags about it to everyone and you stay with him, well, that just looks bad on your character.

 

You deserve someone who is faithful, who loves you, and who treats you with respect. Keep telling yourself that.

[Rabican]

Vanessa, he will treat you as badly as you allow him to treat you. Keep that in mind... dont let him treat you at all... kick him to the curb.

[CallingAllAngels]

Vanesa -

 

I am so so so sorry. Your story is so similair to mine, it was painful to read. I can't even write my story today, as it is too painful...but if you check out my posts, you will see.

 

It's the same...I snooped because I followed my gut. He lied...denied. I believe him for 10 years.

 

He will never tell you the truth. And why would he leave? He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

 

When you are ready...you will do what I did...you will leave. Do you have children? We did not. We have been apart for 5 months, and I have been thru pure hell.

 

If you would like to email me privately, please feel free...our stories are very similiar. I know your pain all to well.

 

Allie

[midnightrambler]

Hi Vanesa,

 

While you are at it, don't forget to send a copy of the phone bills to your husband's girlfriend's husband. It's about time she had some problems to deal with too ! At the moment she seems free to mess up your marriage without any price to pay. I doubt she is really interested in your husband long term. Who would be? He is a liar and a cheat. If he really cared for you he would have stopped soon after he was caught the first time.

 

Best wishes & I hope things get better for you .

 

“Only Thing We Have to Fear Is Fear Itself”: FDR’s First Inaugural Address

 

 

i never thought of that as an option

[Vanesa]

i told him to get out last night and he won"t leave. he told me he will leave when he feels like it.I don't know what to do. Why the hell would he want to stay. I don;t want to talk to him anylonger, or look at him, and he' just fine with that. I think he has a mental problem.

[Cimmie]

While he is out, pack his bags and leave them outside. Then have the locks changed. Then call your lawyer.

[Vanesa]

i checked with a lawyer and he advised me that legally I cannot change the locks on the door, until the divorce is settled.

[Hope75]

Is there somewhere that you can go where you will be safe?

[Vanesa]

no, and I really do not want to leave the house.

[Hope75]

Who's name is the lease under?

 

I realize that you don't want to leave the house, but is staying there with him really good for you? Sometimes we have tro sacrafice to do what is best and healthiest for us.

[Vanesa]

the house is in both our names. This is my home, and I have done so much work in the house and really do not want to leave it. And I do not wnat him to stay in the house, so that he can bring this OW into my home, no way.

[Hope75]

the house is in both our names. This is my home, and I have done so much work in the house and really do not want to leave it. And I do not wnat him to stay in the house, so that he can bring this OW into my home, no way.

 

Well, if your lawyer is telling you that he doesn't have to leave until you are divorced, it seems you can't have it both ways.

 

Are you willing to live with him just to stay in your house right now?

 

I rennovated my house with my boyfriend too-- my blood, sweat and tears are all over this place and it's my home....but I'd sooner stay with friends if he cheated than be under the same roof as him.

 

It's only temporary until you divide the assets in the divorce settlement.

[CallingAllAngels]

Vanessa...

 

I ended up leaving MY house, that I LOVED so much I don't know which hurt more...leaving my husband or my house.

 

I left because he would not, and, it became EMOTIONALLY unbearable. Your laywer should have told you that much. It was TOO MUCH for me to live under the same roof as him.

 

Believe me...the hardest thing I EVER EVER did was leave my house. I don't even remember a lot of it...I had the movers come on a day that he was at work (I told him the day before) and took what I thought was fair.

 

I live in NY...everything in a marriage is JOINT. Everything before a marriage is YOURS.

 

If you can't stand it, I recommend staying with friends, family, or getting an apartment like I did. BELIEVE me, for your SANITY, it is MUCH better.

 

JUST make SURE to take EVERYTHING you want...because once you're gone, you never know what may turn up "missing"...

 

I was more than fair with my spouse...I took hardly ANY furniture, and he had the NERVE to complain I took a small black and white TV so I could watch TV until I was able to buy my own TV. MEANWHILE, back at the house, I LEFT HIM a 72" TV, DVD Player, Computer, etc etc etc. I almost threw up.

 

Get your stuff and get out.

 

I know how unhealthy it is to live with someone who could care less about you...it's degrading. You deserve better. That house is 1/2 yours...you will NOT lose it if you leave. Speak with your lawyer again.

 

My best...

 

~Allie

[Mun]

I'm sorry to hear about the living arrangement Vanessa. As if what he has put you through is not bad enough. I do hope you have a good lawyer. What state are you in?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

you may not be able to lock him out because he is joint owner, but you can get a temporary order from the judge until the divorce is finalized.

 

if your attorney isn't helpful, consult another. most judges would not condone him bringing his mistress to the house, in fact, that might give you what you need to get the judge to rule he needs to live elsewhere until the divorce is final, or else judge him in contempt of court if he brings her there.

[Vanesa]

I have basically ignored him, and he can;t take it. he is trying to be nicer to me and I really can;t understand what his plan is. I will speak with a marriage counselor/Psychologist, not only to help me along, but to try and figure out how this happens to a person.. I am so shocked at his behaviour and would really like to understand what is going on...

[CallingAllAngels]

I have basically ignored him, and he can;t take it. he is trying to be nicer to me and I really can;t understand what his plan is. I will speak with a marriage counselor/Psychologist, not only to help me along, but to try and figure out how this happens to a person.. I am so shocked at his behaviour and would really like to understand what is going on...

Good luck to you Vanessa...

 

I have been beating my head against the wall trying to find any answer as to "why"...trying to understand the EXACT same thing YOU are trying to understand. I have spent 6 months doing this. How does someone one go out, cheat on you for 3 years (my husband, ironically, also cheated for 3 years) and then comes home and look you in the eye....live with you as if nothing is wrong...lay in bed next to you...have Holidays with you....tell you he loves you...make love to you...expose you to God-Only-Knows-What STD's, etc etc etc and be able to LIVE with themself??????? The worst part...my husband KEPT his affair from me for 10, yes, TEN years.

 

Honey...if you figure it out...let me know. I have not found any answers. We have just started therapy. I am just starting to realize, after being gone from the house for 6 months, that, no matter HOW HARD you try, or how MUCH you want to, you CANNOT change another person. You just can't. You can only change YOURSELF.

 

Sucks...yes indeed it does. No if ands or butts.

 

My husband is going on. I am not. I sit...obsess and wonder...keep wondering. Suddenly, SO MANY THINGS made sense. And were there "others" in that 10 year frame? Probably. Will he ever fess up? I have no way of knowing. The TRUST is SHATTERED. If he tells me "Allie...I swear, she was the ONLY one", it doesn't MATTER....i have NO REASON to believe him.

 

Honey, I really am sorry. I wish you well, and I know the pain in your heart.

 

Hang tough...post often here. This is a great place...

 

~Allie

[Vanesa]

thanks allie,

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this as well. I just can;t understand their thought process. If I was the one cheating and I wanted to be with another person, then I would think that I would be honest with my partner to let them know that I have to move on, and how sorry I am to hurt them, but to continue to live a lie is just so wrong.

[CallingAllAngels]

Amen to that Vanesa...Amen to that. I am in COMPLETE agreement.

 

I know myself...I WOULD not be able to sleep at night. And to go on for THREE years, and, as in my case, to KEEP it from me for TEN?????

 

I cannot wrap my brain around it.

 

I want an answer why. I am afraid I'm never going to get that answer....remember...I am 6 months ahead of the game than you are. It sounds to me like we think very much a like. Why some people are able to say "buh bye" and be done with their cheating husbands/wifes, I don't know. I NEED A REASON WHY...I NEED TO KNOW WHY...I NEED TO KNOW ALL THE DETAILS...EVER SINGLE ONE...

 

I have had 100 people tell me "the details don't matter...they don't change things...they won't help". True...they won't change what has happened. NOTHING can change WHAT HAPPENED. But...I have a NEED to know. I think after a 12 year marraige and spending 22 years of my life with this man that he at least owes me that much.