so messed up.....

[Vanesa]

I have not poseted before but feel that I am at my end. My H has been cheating on me for approx 3 yrs. Last fall I found out as I received some e-mails from someone which were e-mails fo the communication between my H and the OW. I had a feeling that something was not right and confronted my H many times, and he denied it. The OW's husband found out as well, and she had to quit her job as they worked together. So for a few months the OW could not contact my H and he told me that he ended it with her and that he loved me and wan't to try and rebuild. So recently I have discovered by checking his cell phone that he has been calling a certain number, so I called and found out where the OW is now working, and so now I realized that their affair is not over.

 

I questioned my H again if he was in contact with her, and at first he liad and said no, and then told me that she only called a few times to see how he was.

 

So like a fool I tryed to believe him, and just recently I checked his cell again and saw some text messages that say meet at a coffee shop , and if you claim to ove me will meet me... etc. So he is definitely still seeing her.

 

He doesn;t know that I checked his cel phone, as then he would change the pswrd, and he continues to lie to me.

 

I have asked him whether he still loves me and he says yes, and taht he doesn;t want to hurt either one of us. We have been together for 15 yrs married for 10.

 

I don;t know what to do, and I don;t think he knows what he wants..

I have asked him to leave several times, and then he tells me he loves me. I jsut can;t do it any more...I really don;t know how to handle this, but I know I can;t keep it up.. I am totally depressed! and hurt, and just feel awful.

 

Pls help...

[Hope75]

Hi There and welcome to enotalone!

 

I am sorry that this is what brought you here. It must be very difficult to discover that you are still being lied to and cheated on.

 

I have to say that I am a firm believer that if a marriage is to work, it takes work and commitment from both parties, and your husband has been good at saying the words he thinks will silence you and keep you around, but his actions are showing that your marriage is not a priority and that he's willing to risk it all for the sake of this affair.

 

So now you are left with a choice. If I were you, I would take control of what I could, and that would be to leave this marriage and file for divorce. You can't force your husband to stop cheating, and despite being caught he's still cheating. So now the only think you can control is how you react to it. Since it's destroying you to accept the affair (which is only natural!) the best thing is to walk away and file for divorce. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and only you, and not someone who lies and cheats and knows how much it hurts you.

[Mun]

Hello there,

I am very sorry you are going through this. I hope you will find some comfort here.

 

I believe there are some marriages that can overcome the cheating, even if it has been going on for awhile. However, you have to take some definate action here. My advice that if you know you cannot take his lies and cheating then you must accept that you will leave the marriage, you can't bluff it or he will just keep doing what he is doing. When someone know you will stay no matter what they have no reason to stop doing what is hurting you.

 

Here is what you say and you have to mean it: You will end this relationship NOW or we are over.

 

 

If he ends it and wants to rebuild then you should seek some marriage counseling and he must be willing to be an open book to you. He is the one that cheated, he gets no say. If he wants to earn your trust again then he has to WORK for it. If he is still lying then you have no other choice.

 

Please know what you truly want, It will make it easier to make that final decision. It will be difficult but you should not accept something that is hurting you.

[Kalika]

Unless he is serious about working on the marriage, it wont be saved. That being said, if he continues to see her behind your back, you shouldn't be "asking him to leave".. You should toss him out.

[Vanesa]

I would be willing to try and rebuild but I really don;t think that my H does. I'm just so angry because it is the time to have children and I have waited so long because his career came first, and he promised me that we would have a family and now this. He has totally reuined my life. I think the only reason I am still hanging on and have not thrown him out is because I was hoping that he would come to his senses. I am afraid that I will not find someone else in time to have the family that I always wanted.

 

I realize that this sounds so desperate but I really am afraid. I have never been with another man and have only known my H, so I'm afraid of the unknown world out there. Talk about being sheltered...

[Kalika]

Hey V,

 

Honestly, would you want to bring children into a marriage that you're always unsure of? I mean, I would think your chances of saving the marriage would be greater if he was remorseful and not in contact with the OW. If he's not, you can try couples (or individual) counseling but it wont work if he's not going to commit to trying hard to rebuild trust.

 

That being said, having children might make you happy, but you wont be happy if you do it with someone that you dont trust and cant depend on.

 

In all honesty, you are very lucky you dont have children with him because it will make it easier if you DO decide to walk away. And frankly, what you did yesterday doesnt HAVE to dictate what you do today or even tomorrow. In other words, just because you've stayed with him for this long does not mean that you have to stay. It's hard starting over, but it's even harder to be married to a stranger.

[Vanesa]

I do understand what you are saying, I 'm just afraid to let go.

He has gotten rid of all of my friends, I really don;t have anyone.

I don;t evenknow where to begin. I hate being alone, I don;t know what it means.

I have always had him around and it scares me to let go.

[dada]

Dear, Dear Vanessa. Assuming you gave the whole story. Leave! I'm a guy who cheated on both of my wives. I cheated in the since that I had sex with women outside my marriage. Though in both cases I didn't cheat until things were so bad between us that I didn't want anything sexually to do with them.

 

I'm not justifying my behavior by any stretch, I'm simply stating I didn't cheat when things were going well. It's when things got so bad and a divorce was emminent, I said "what the heck." I let my "junk" get slapped around on a number of occasions. Bad idea. No matter how you slice it, I still cheated. The point is, if things were not bad between you and your husband? Why did he cheat? If his reasons were sexual, leave. He betrayed you and his vow's. And what ever you do don't go looking for reasons. He cheated and he lies about it.

 

This may come as a shock too you. When both of my ex's asked me about other women, I didn't deny it. I was caught coming out of a woman's home at 2:00 in the morning and on another occasion I didn't come home at all. There was no reason to deny it. I didn't give a damn. I tried for years to get them both during each marriage to work with me and build a future. For some reason one wife wanted to fuss all day and all night. The other wife wasn't happy unless she was completely over burdened by debt.

 

I'm telling you this because unless there's more to the story, you don't deserve to be cheated.

 

I wish you the best.

[ELDiablo]

I would leave him FAST. He has no respect for you. He seems like the

Slick type to me if this has been going on for 3 years.

 

All I can say is don’t blame your self.

He is the cheater and liar. You deserve better.

 

Believe me…

Being alone is much better than sticking around in the emotional

Slugfest you are in now.

 

Leave and use your time alone to rebuild yourself into who you want to

Be.

 

Best of Luck.

[sleepersofa]

I would leave him FAST. He has no respect for you. He seems like the

Slick type to me if this has been going on for 3 years.

 

All I can say is don’t blame your self.

He is the cheater and liar. You deserve better.

 

Believe me…

Being alone is much better than sticking around in the emotional

Slugfest you are in now.

 

Leave and use your time alone to rebuild yourself into who you want to

Be.

 

Best of Luck.

 

 

 

 

ha you know what? my ex cheated on me too! I cant believe I have been so stupid to keep pining for him. I hate him he left me for someone else and I cant ever trust him again.

[Kalika]

I do understand what you are saying, I 'm just afraid to let go.

He has gotten rid of all of my friends, I really don;t have anyone.

I don;t evenknow where to begin. I hate being alone, I don;t know what it means.

I have always had him around and it scares me to let go.

 

Honestly, I think your fear of it is worse than the reality. This type of situation is never easy, but frankly, you're being forced to choose the lesser of two evils.. but the lesser evil (staying) isn't really any better than leaving.

 

Put it this way: Personally, I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones.

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

What do you mean he has gotten rid of all your friends?

 

Honey, a guy who 'eliminates' all of your friends and then cheats on you sounds like he's trying to destroy any support system you have so that when he does cheat, he's fairly certain you won't be going anywhere.

 

This honestly does not sound like the type of person you would want to raise a family with... no matter how long you have waited.

 

A good, healthy marriage is based on trust, respect, love and friendship between both parties. This guy isn't treating you with any of these. Ask yourself if you would treat a friend like he's treated you. My guess is no?

 

You deserve better.

[Vanesa]

many years ago he didn;t like my friends and basically always complained about them, thought that they were more trouble than anything else and really did a good job at turning them against me. Basically by saying that they were out to cause trouble between us in our marriage because they were not married, and soon after that the friendships ended. He did everything for me. He was wonderful and caring and really took care of me. Somewhere along the line money and his career became priority #1, and I soon started to slip on his scale of priorities. Approx four years ago he started a new job with more responsiblities and really worked all the time. Along with a lot of stress which I feel he could not handle he had this OW woman working with him, basically an assistant, and I guess he spent more time with her than at home with me. We had a lot of fights at that time because he was never home, and he started become angry, because his family life was not important to him, only money. I have never asked him for anything, I also work very hard, and I am nt the kind of person that expects her husband to make a lot of money. I am quite humble and satisified, and he wasn't. The OW is well off and married to a rich husband, and I guess that maybe the money and attitude form this person might have been exciting for him, I don;t really know. I have confonted him many times, he has always denied it. He even made it seem like I was insane and cuasing him more upsetment and that I was jealous for no reason. My instints were right. He was with this OW all along. I gave him so many opporunities to come out anmd tell me the truth and he never did.

 

Finally, I had some evidence last fall, and confronted him with it, and he still tried to lie to me.

 

I mean if he wants to be with this OW, then why doesn;t he leave, I have told him to leave many times, and he continues to stay and tell me that he loves me, although, he is distant with me.

 

Th whole thing is just so strange, and really taking it;s toll on me.

 

I realize I can;t go on like this and will have to let go.

[Hope75]

My guess is that he is still there because you are letting him stay there- he is comfortable where he is and having his cake and eating it too. Would you want to give up your home and a life that you are comfortable with if you didn't have to?

 

I'm not sure, but it sounds like you are still looking for reasons to stay with him.

[Vanesa]

of course I am still looking for reasons to stay with him, I still love him. Yes I am angry and disappointed, and basically he still tells me that he wants to rebuild our relationship. It is only lately that I have found out the he is still in contact with the OW. He tells me that he can;t tell her to F-off,because he cares about her, and just wnats to know if eh is ok. I told him that I would not accept taht and so he continues to lie and thinks that he can get a way with it.

 

I know I have to end this soon, I know, like I said Im just afraid.

[Hope75]

I understand, it makes sense that you want to believe him when he tells you that he wants to work things out. It's very difficult to be deceived by someone who you love, and who you believe loves you. The sad part is how easy words are to say- and how difficult is is to give them honest meaning by following through with actions.

 

His words tell you one thing, but his actions, (the affair itself, him still being in contact with her, refusing to stop all contact with her) show his true intention.

 

Have you seen a lawyer to find out what your rights are?

[Vanesa]

hi,

 

Yes I have briefly talked to a lawyer, so I am informed of what my rights are.

 

I Have a lot to think about and I realize that I need to tell him to leave.

This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, I just hope that I don;t cave.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Vanesa... people make choices all the time, and the choice he has been making is to indulge himself and this other woman.

 

by default, people who cheat on their spouses are liars, and the real reason he is still with you may be that she is not ready to leave the rich husband, or he believes that you are so enthralled with him you will never demand he treat you with respect.

 

i think you should insist on marriage counseling with him, and if he doesn't go with you, or break it off entirely with this other woman, then you know he is not really serious about being faithful to you or keeping your marriage healthy. you could stick around another 5 years, and still get left by him for this OW or some new OW. i think you bitterness will only grow if you continue to let him treat you this way, and chase other women while married to you.

 

please talk more to your lawyer, and consider a counselor for yourself to work through ways to get out of this marriage, if he won't take the marriage seriously and treat you with respect. he is making it clear that contact with this OW is more important than your marriage, so whether he is living with you or not, he is making it clear that he is choosing this OW feelings over yours, and is not committed to the marriage unless he agrees to seriously work on it with a marriage counselor and give up entirely any OW.

[Mun]

Vaness this man is all wrong for you now. Sure at some point he might have been good to you but those days are gone hun.

 

As a divorced woman myself I can tell you that it is very scary to get back out there. Have that fear, but do it anyway, the payoff is worth it. Having peace is worth it. Having your life back is worth it. Not to mention your self respect.

 

It's OK to mourn the loss of your marriage and the loss of the plans you might have had at some time for your future together.

 

You will get past this. Taking the steps you need to move on will feel crummy but will also feel empowering. You seem a very caring and intelligent woman. I think you will be Ok

 

We are all here for you

Hugs

[Vanesa]

Hi Mun,

 

Thanks you for your encouragement, I realize I have to make this move and very soon, as I feel that I am not myslef anymore and can't remember the last time I was happy. I am so worn down and I don't have the energy to fight any longer.

 

I realized that what he has done to me is terrible, and the worst part of all of this is that he was caught and still continues to lie. I really don't know how he can live with himself. He lives a lie.

[Vanesa]

I really thought that counselling might help, and I thought that maybe even through seperating for awhile, that he might come to his senses, but the bastard is lying to me again. He has a lot of nerve to lie to me after telling me that he is being honest. I finally got a hold of his cel phone bill, and finally can see how often he is calling her. I hate him, and I will leave him. I know it will hurt, but I can't take it anymore.

[ratherbesailing]

Hi Vanesa -

 

I'm so sorry about what you are going through. My when my ex was having her affair the thing that finally helped me to let go was when I realized just how selfish she had gotten. The marriage meant nothing, it was all about her.

 

She even had the nerve to ask if we could have an open relationship so she could get what she wanted from me and still run around with him. It was amazing to see just how much she actually believed her own lies. When I realized this was all about her and that I'd never be able to trust her because she actually believed herself when she lied, that is when I stopped trying to keep the marriage together and told her I deserved better.

 

Be thankful you don't have kids with him. That was the hardest part of my divorce and still is 10 years later.

 

Know you deserve better and relax, the family will come sooner than you think. This guy wouldn't be much of a father anyhow.

[Vanesa]

HI ratherbesailing,

 

Thank you for your comments.

 

i just can't believe that someone could claim to love you , and be so decitful at the same time.

 

I really hate him, and I wish I could just let go of him. Why can;t I, why is it so difficult? How do I stop loving the bastard. I mean you would think that after everything he has done to me that I wouldn;t have a problem to get rid of him, and I am stuck. I feel so alone and helpless, and don;t know how to cut him off from my life.

[Hope75]

Hi Vanessa,

 

I think the big thing is that you can learn to recognize that you can still love someone but also recognize that they are not good for you and do not have your best interests at heart.

 

Why does he lie to you? It's the age-old question, isn't it?

 

To protect himself, to get what he wants without repercussion, to have his cake and eat it too.... but the bottom line is that he is not treating you with the love and respect that should be a part of any healthy relationship, and only you have the power to put a stop to it by leaving him. You can be hurt and bitter all you want, but if you choose to stay and allow it than you are putting yourself in that situation.

 

The question is, will you leave him?

[ratherbesailing]

Hi Vanesa -

 

I remember having all those same feelings and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It hurts so bad but you love them and just wish they'd realize what a mistake they made. It is a very confusing time and there is no easy way through it. You will hurt for a good long time.

 

There was one book that helped me a lot - Letting Go by Wanderer and Cabot. You don't have to follow everything they suggest but it does get your head pointed in the right direction to heal.

 

It took a while but I realize I never should have married her. All the signs were there to show me what kind of person she was but I was in love and ignored them. Now my girlfriend treats me better than my ex did on the best of days. A true gentleman is going to find you some day and treat you the way you deserve, the family and everything. I wish I could help speed you through the pain, my thoughts are with you.

 

Good luck