when your SO gets hit on all the time and s/he gives out/gets phone numbers

[studbaker99]

we've been together for about a year. It wasn't meant to be a serious relationship. I don't think it still is. It's more of a comfort thing. We get along, we have fun, but according to her "I'm not the man she's gonna marry" .So, there ya go, to put it bluntly.

 

With that said, she's always told me that if I ever found someone interesting that I should go for it and explore it. The same, of course, goes for her. For the time we've been together, she hasn't found anyone worth exploring. To be quite frank, I haven't been looking, and with me, I have to go out there and make a move, girls don't just come flocking where I have to shoo them away. With her tho, she has a pretty outgoing personality (I'm the chill quiet guy) and decently good looks she attracts men (she is latina, but looks indian, and damn indian men flock to her like flies to shiet).

 

Anyway, last thursday she had a night out with co-workers. One of them actually has the hots for her(and he's married to boot). So this past thursday about 8 of her coworkers go out. This guy (and he brought his brother along) were on her all night, effectively cokblocking her. Okay that turned out to be a boon in disguise. But she was really annoyed and managed to 'sneak out' and dance with other people. Let me say I have nothing against this, cuz I think I'd be bored too by dancing with the same person (even if its your SO, all night long) so apparently this (indian) guy was dancing on the floor and she went and danced with him, and later he says something like "we're going to this other bar, u wanna join us?" and because my girl was annoyed at the cokblocking and wanted to get away, she was "uh..yah" and he was like "give me your phone number we'll keep in touch" and she did. The rest of the night was not really relevant for the story (her coworkers , including the married coworker, tagged on).

 

Later that night she came to my house and told me the story above. A bit later (at about 3am) she gets a text message from the indian guy, sayin "end of the night, drunk, have a good night". Which, slap me on the wrist, because my girl was passed out (so yeah, I checked her phone) , I deleted it.

 

Then saturday, she happened to be reading some text messages on her phone, and I noticed that the same guy was on her inbox with 3 entries. Around the same time, she's also been getting duplicate text messages, so at the very 'best' he sent her a text (whether she replied or not) or at the very 'worst' had done some sort of conversation that went on for 3 texts back and forth. To what extent, or in what terms, that's unknown.

 

 

 

So, assuming this was a conversation what do third party observers make out of this? part of me wants to say yeah in light of our 'non serious' status, and for the fact that just because you're with someone that shouldn't mean your circle of friends is permanently closed to people of the opposite gender.Or, is it? That she is outgoing and will jump into new adventures also makes it 'okay'. She's also told me of the event (but she hasnt told me that he contacted her that night). I am very sure she isn't trying to cheat, and my pragmatic side says that it makes sense that she's being her usual friendly self and keeping her options open to what's out there. I mean if i was in the same situation, with women coming to me, I'd keep my options open and wouldn't turn away some phone conversation or text chat (that probably attests to my seriousness on this relationship too

 

Another story - later saturday night, we're getting ready for a rave, and she gets a call from someone asking if she'd like to do breakfast on sunday morning. Later she tells me it was her married coworker. But during the conversation with him she never really says straight up 'no', but instead tells him that she's out of town(which we were) and that the next morning she'd be out of commission (which, we were). But to me, those kind of replies make it seem like if it wasn't for those obstacles, she would say yes.(I know she wouldn't btw) Maybe that's how women politely excuse themselves out of 'dates' they dont want to make, and for her, it was actually a valid excuse.

 

 

 

I guess, I want to hear stories of people who have SOs that are hit on (or you are yourselves those people) and don't always turn those approaches away, especially if you're the sociable outgoing type. Is it okay?

[Karhu]

How old are you? Are you into just dating? What is she to you, just someone to keep you busy while you’re looking for your real partner?

 

I only have relationships with people for the purpose of investigating long term potential. If there is no long term potential then it’s better to be without, as that way you’ll be much more available to attracting the next person for a real relationship.

 

It’s pointless trying to find a new partner while you are with her, firstly most people with integrity wouldn’t date you while you are in the middle of a relationship, cutting down your options a lot, and then you are also spending most of your time with her so you won’t be meeting new people, and you also won’t be emotionally available and ready for a clean start to a new relationship if you meet someone while you are with her.

 

So why are you with her? Is it just to keep you from being lonely? Are you hoping that she’ll change her mind and start to see you as having some long term potential?

 

Honestly it sounds like you are just some callboy to her at the moment, she can chase other guys, do what she wants, while holding onto the security of having you follow her around.

 

I would not accept her behavior, she needs to make a decision, either you, or being single and dating, she can’t have both.

 

It’s normal to have very attractive girls being hit on (I know, I’ve got the hottest one in any venue), so it’s common practice to have guys approaching them, trying to grope them etc. the key is not what they do, but how she reacts. She can’t stop all the bad behavior (although her initiating PDA with you can reduce it), but she can instantly show that she’s not interested. The key is not what they do but what she does. Her being attractive is no excuse for her acting like that and actively flirting.

 

Trust and honesty is very important in a relationship. Jealousy always brings more trouble, and it is normally unfounded, jealousy causes secretive actions, causing communication barriers that break down the relationship. You should be able to talk openly with her about everything, and you should not be shocking her phone or anything.

 

 

Ask her what she wants, dating new people or working on a relation with you. If you’re just a standby guy then I’d get out of there if I was you, and find a real girl. If she chooses dating new people then you can move on with your life sooner, and find a real relation sooner. If she chooses a relation with you then that means total openness and honesty(honesty, not jelousy) about everything (for both of you, not just her), and a changing of behavior away from the dating actions to commited actions. she is not forced to stay with you, but she should let you go before looking for others.

[sophie274]

While I would not be ok with this, it only seems fair in light of your arrangement and the boundaries you two have agreed upon.

 

I think you need to re-evaluate your status within this relationship, and possibly the relationship itself. It's clear that you are not comfortable being in a relationship where the woman is available to others. So if you want to stay in your current relationship, you need to tell your girlfriend that, and hopefully she will agree with you on exclusivity.

 

However, it sounds like your girlfriend is not that into you. "Not the man she is going to marry". That's all fine and well if you are cool with a casual thing - but are you? Would you be ok with exclusivity but knowing the relationship was going nowhere? I have to admit: it doesn't make sense to me to date someone exclusively if they have told you they don't see a future with you.

 

I would listen to what she is saying "I want to date other guys, I don't want to marry you...". That is your current relationship status, and even if it were exclusive there would still be the "i don't want to marry you" part there. Do you not want to find something better?

[studbaker99]

thanks for your response! Really quick, I'm 30. But to be fair, I feel like I am 24-25. I am not a very mature person and definitely don't feel ready to settle down, even tho I am starting to feel like I would like to meet that special someone and build a family.

 

To be fair, just like in a LDR there's practical matters that affect the relationship, there are practical matters that make this relationship 'easier' to continue, or if you'd like, harder to break off from. She's involved in the same organization I was part of (and how I met her) which I am currently somewhat active in. I am roomates with one of her best friends (this happened before we got together) and good friends with her other close friends and we hang out in a lot of the same circles. I'm kinda stuck with her, but it's not like she's a bad person to be stuck with.

 

 

There are a couple of things in the near future that are going to change the situation some way or another: She's graduating from university this May, and in a lil bit more longer term, she wants to change jobs. My roomate is moving out, and I might be forced to move out as well. And I always wanted to live in San Francisco (50 mins away) which I think and friends have told me, is a lot better for meeting new people.

 

So May - July should be 'exciting' times, where she and I will decide if we should continue further or move on with our lives, and I guess I'm just bidding my time for when push should come to shove. So 2-3 more months of hanging out and enjoying the company of each other rather than to break up right now because the love of my life might be around the corner doesn't sound like too much of a torture to wait for. Yes I would like to find 'that special someone' but I don't want to stay in this city would seem futile to start something new right now. In fact, meeting her back a year ago was something that was supposed to be 'non serious' because I was planning on travelling to Asia 5 months later...

 

So yeah it's not the most romantic story, but we have fun.

 

If what i wrote before sounded like I was trying to come up with excuses for her behavior, its because in my fantasy of 'if-i-was-an-outgoing-hot-guy' with a girl at home I'd probably act like she did.i.e. I'm being annoyed by my coworkers, and some fun girl starts dancing with me. Should I just dance with myself? hey, she and her friends are heading to some other place, and they look like fun people. "wanna come?" I'd say 'sure'. That's the type of person she is. That's the type of person I'd like to be.

 

Every time we are in a taxi or sometimes at convenience stores, she'll engage the driver/clerk in a conversation. Without a beat, at one point or another she'll ask him "what time do you get off?" - the first time I heard her have this interaction of this I was a bit jealous - because of that image I have of characters in the movies asking the waitress what time she gets off, followed by "well, would you like to go get a coffee then?" and I thought that her starting off on that line of conversation would send the wrong message to the guy that perhaps she was interested in something. But to her, it's mere curiosity and wanting to her people's stories.

 

She'll ocasionally get chatted up on yahoo by random people from her past, that I know were past thrysts, and, once cuz this happened when I was working with her on her computer, it went on something like:

guy: hey how's it going?

her: good, how are you doing?

guy: great, I'm travelling on business, you?

her(!!): im hooking up my webcam!!

guy: oh cool hee hee hee, I have one too!

(at this point she closed the window and we left to go do something)

 

Later on a different conversation I asked her why she was always set to 'invisible' on yahoo, and she said she keeps it that way cuz she gets chatted up by people from her past that she doesn't want to talk to anymore. And I know that one guy above was one of them. But, again, I can't help but think (at the time, and even now) why on earth would she volunteer the info that she has a webcam...as a guy i'd think that's an opening for doing something on it. But nothing came out of it.

 

She's very physical person, and amongst friends she'll give people back massages and if we're all in a group and we're walking and it's cold, she might grab your arm and walk with you arm in arm. Again, for the most part I am comfortable with this, since she'll do this with people in our circle of friends and with girls and guys, but every once in a while she might do it with someone whom I don't know as well, and I again think of what this person might be thinking. In fact, it was such one massage she started doing in one of our first dates that lead me to 'make a move' (that and some wine ) so either I'm just a horny guy or odds are other guys who don't know her any better would be thinking something along the same lines.

 

 

Anyway. I guess I'm just not sure to interpret her behavior as she's keeping her romantic options open, or if she's just naturally friendly.

[Karhu]

 

 

To be fair, just like in a LDR there's practical matters that affect the relationship, there are practical matters that make this relationship 'easier' to continue, or if you'd like, harder to break off from. She's involved in the same organization I was part of (and how I met her) which I am currently somewhat active in. I am roomates with one of her best friends (this happened before we got together) and good friends with her other close friends and we hang out in a lot of the same circles. I'm kinda stuck with her, but it's not like she's a bad person to be stuck with.

Don’t hold on to a relation purely for practical matters. practical matters can always be sorted out. And you can break up with her and still be on talking terms so it isn’t hard at work. I don’t think the inconvenience of breaking up should slow you down from doing something it that’s the choice you want.

 

If it was me, I would start the conversation now. If she isn’t into you then get it over and done with.

 

 

 

 

So May - July should be 'exciting' times, where she and I will decide if we should continue further or move on with our lives, and I guess I'm just bidding my time for when push should come to shove. So 2-3 more months of hanging out and enjoying the company of each other rather than to break up right now because the love of my life might be around the corner doesn't sound like too much of a torture to wait for. Yes I would like to find 'that special someone' but I don't want to stay in this city would seem futile to start something new right now. In fact, meeting her back a year ago was something that was supposed to be 'non serious' because I was planning on travelling to Asia 5 months later...

 

 

Who said anything about starting something new instantly? Are you scared of being alone? Is that why you are holding on to a dead relationship because you think it’s better than being alone?

 

Everyone needs some alone time to sort themselves out. If you sort this out now then you’ll get some alone time to do some self reflection, self improvement etc, and you’ll be in a much better head space when you move to Asia.

If you break up the day before moving to Asia then it’ll take some time to get over her and sort your head out, so you won’t be as emotionally stable and available as if you would have already gone through the healing process before making the move.

 

 

"what time do you get off?"

 

 

Where does she get off saying this? That’s inappropriate behavior. No you shouldn’t copy her and do the same as her to the waitress, that’d just lower yourself to her level.

 

The only thing worse than cheating is lying.

 

Anyway. I guess I'm just not sure to interpret her behavior as she's keeping her romantic options open, or if she's just naturally friendly.

 

She couldn’t care less about you. You are just some easy fun while she’s looking for someone better (if she isn’t already doing other things).

 

You deserve your own self integrity.

[Lava Rocks]

She's overly friendly and it sounds like it makes you pretty uncomfortable. She's keeping her options open, which she told you. The fact that she said you're not the type of guy she'd marry translates to "this isn't serious, you're my right now guy." If you're ok biding your time with her until you move, then go for it. No one is being misled, she outright told you that you should keep your options open and she'd do the same. That directly implies that she's not thinking in the long term. There's nothing wrong with having fun in the now as long as you both know that's all it is and are both comfortable with it. It sounds like you have mixed feelings about it.

 

At the same time, by staying with the right now girl you may be missing out on your chance to meet the right girl. Pablo Picasso once said, "Never take a part-time job because it will become your full-time life." Just make sure your emotions don't get too tied up in her...

Take care~

[BeStrongBeHappy]

if she's openly stated you're not the one for her, and that she has the option to see anybody she wants anytime, then you aren't really boyfriend/girlfriend, it's more a friends with benefits situation.

 

and as such, she most likely will continue takng all comers until she finds someone she likes enough to commit to, then you'll be out. she also is showing a tendency to encourage married men, which shows a certain lack of character, i.e., she will participate in situations where she is doing something that can hurt a lot of people.

 

so i think you need to quit worrying about this man or that man, and really, genuinely accept that she is cruising for someone new, and it's not you. if you have no real emotions for her and a friends with benefits situation is fine, that would be OK, but you sound jealous and are worrying about losing her, which is futile since she has already told you she does not intend to be with you for long.

 

so i suggest you genuinely accept that this is not a girl you can get serious with, and stop trying to be serious with her. spend your time looking for other partners, and consider stopping seeing her if being with her is preventing you from finding eligible girls who would really like you enough to be faithful to you, and not treat you like a Quick Stop mart on the way to a real boyfriend.

[annie24]

I agree with AussieS, what are you still doing with this woman? Now, I know it's a "good for now" situation, and I guess if you are ok being her "sort of boyfriend" when she isn't hitting on the cabbie, store clerk, bank teller, pizza boy in front of you, etc..... well, if you don't mind, then go ahead and stay in this relationship my friend.

 

I don't know..... If I were in your shoes, I would leave right now. You're not going to meet that someone special if you are in a relationship right now (or your chances are severely decreased). Quality women won't go out with a guy with a girlfriend or who has a "sort of relationship" with another woman. I sure wouldn't go for that. I may have done it in the past, but not anymore. I don't want to fight with another woman over the attention of some guy. Now I'll only date single guys, and only after they have taken some time to be single after their last serious relationship. I don't want to be the "rebound" girl either.

 

So, yeah. It is NOT normal when your SO gets hit on.... and she gives out phone numbers! I read that line and was thinking, "Dump her."

 

If for no other reason, dump her so you won't get any STDs. You aren't the only guy she is sleeping with I am sure. If she has the chutzpa to hit on other men in front of you, I'm sure she's sleeping with them also. And gross, you don't need a sexually transmitted disease. yuck. I hope you have been using condoms, go out and get tested for diseases.

 

good luck, I hope everything works out for you.

[Dako]

I think you're running into the problems of FWB and feeling expendable.

[studbaker99]

Ok, I appreciate all of your comments, but! I have to say reading your comments I can't help but shake my head and go "noo, that's not how it is at all!"

 

To be clear, we actually _did_ start as a FWB situation. but ended up hanging out too much (see practical terms, above) that eventually people started asking if we were official and she just had to admit to it out of respect for the relationship.

 

 

In any case - yes this is a 'right now woman' relationship I am in, and it's a fun one where at least for the moment, the pros overweight the cons, even as I of course, * * * * *ed her out above.

 

My last relationship lasted 3 years and at the end I felt I had wasted all that time, and I told myself I didn't want to go through that again. I've been with this woman for the past year, and was it a waste? I honestly can say it has been one of the best times I've had. Not necessarily at the romantic lovey-dovey level, but where she certainly was involved or initiated a lot of the adventures we went through. She has been a good partner in crime and she tells me so likewise.

 

Way back in the beginning of us hanging out, she emailed me these stupid forwards. This particular one might be familiar to some of you, and its the one that says "some people come into your life for a moment, a period or a lifetime". And she posed the question, "which one are you? we both knew at the time that it wasn't going to be the third option, and I also accepted it.

 

Perhaps the bottom line is also my fault. Yes deep inside I feel a loneliness that I think can only be fulfilled by finding that true love, if she's out there somewhere, but paired with a shyness or introvertedness that makes me wonder if I will ever find her. And, if you believe that you can't find her, then being wiht someone that's "good enough" is way better than being alone, at home, in front of your computer, for yet another weekend night.

 

At least until I move out to SF and start a new life. I've been to Europe for a whole year and I had a blast meeting people from all walks of life. But for some reason, being here where I am and living, life is so dull. My fault I know.

[Rabican]

I had a semi similar problem with my girl before. She had some guy friends that were always flirting, sending very innapropriate texts/ emails etc. and it drove me nuts. She always said it was just them sending, but she never said 'hold it pal, you gotta stop this' I Felt like she should have as their intent was obvious (and we were engaged). In the long run we broke up in a large part to this stuff, and later got back together... things are good now as the guys in question are out of the picture and I think things are clearer now about whats acceptable and whats not. Basically I dont mind her having friends, but once that crap starts... shes gotta put the brakes on it. IF she wont, if their 'feelings' are more important than mine, or if she wants that kind of attention... then im out.