studbaker99

one word - co-dependent. I've been down that path and after a while it felt like i was walking on eggshells. Nothing I could do would please her, and she'd snap off on the littlest things. It may look hard now for you to see this, because you associate your love for her as the same thing as taking care of her, which , in normal relationships, it is the same thing, but when one partner is too needy, that's when you start losing yourself.

If I had a gf who didnt speak my native language, and I was chatting up with friends, I'd try to fill her in on the highlights between pauses, and or slow down the pace and include her. It's all freaking common sense and courtesy!!...isn't it?

Northalius: I guess I would have to disagree. I can adore my SO and yet be realistic enough to know if I told her she is "most beautiful woman in the world" (even as she's pretty attractive imho) she'd laugh at me and know I had to be fibbin and/or blind. "Hotness" doesn't speak for personality, compatibility or what this person is to you, and that is what dictates satisfaction "with the one you're with". It is purely a physical and superficial description. Women can also appreciate when another woman is hot, more so than men towards men. Would it be disrespectful for her to even voice out that a woman is "hot"? would it mean she has lesbian tendencies and she is disrespecting your manhood? food for thought.

btw, the reason I was 'okay' with just being fwb was that (and I told her this) I was going to move far away in 5 months time. I think that allowed her to accept our situation and let it carry on. fast forward a year, and we're still together in some limbo 'this is not serious' (but exclusive) relationship. heh. So if you have any intentions of it becomeing something more serious, well, the future might not be too bright down the line either.

On the other hand (just playing devils advocate): it's been 4 months!!!! It isnt the same as being next week. when you break up with someone, its always hard the first time you see them with someone else. Makes it even harder if you don't have anyone else in your life at the moment...

well I was in a FWB situation, and she didnt (and doesn't, hah)want to get too serious. We had one of those talks where she was telling me this (as a preempt to break off) and I told her that "hey I'm cool with it too (not getting serious), I think we really got a good physical connection and I'd love to keep that" to which she went something like "yah I really enjoy it too its fun" so that kinda got established and we still hung out but we were still kinda dating, so it wasn't like I could just call her out of the blue to do the nasty, or her. However, that's how I chose to pursue it (with me it was a bit of a trying to stay still in the pic with hopes of more), but I can see how we could just keep it friendly after that conversation,go our "separate ways" and I could call her up once in a while see what she was up to and if she wanted to "hang out".... the between the lines being of course, the benefits. And then its up to her. So I guess for you, just call her up and ask if she wants to "hang out" making it sound somewhat obviously that is benefit related. Maybe "wanna hang out and watch a movie at my place" . I think she could pick up on that if she's interested.

people: this is high school. I can imagine this being said in person to one another. "my boyfriends not hot but he's the sweetest ever". would be perfectly segued with "well my boyfriend's cat can beat your boyfriend's cat". having said that - I once glimpsed a chat conversation my gf was having with a girl friend of hers, and my gf said something like "yah the hot guys are good to look at, but for me its all about the personality". I kinda felt a bit butt hurt about that because it somehow implied that I was ugly....

"As far as being too nice - not wanting to that is - I can totally relate - and that's why I suggesting asking her out on a proper date - that is not "too nice" - it's normal behavior for a man interested in a lady and it's not overboard either (don't pick the fanciest most romantic restaurant in town but something nicer than casual - and no flowers, gifts, etc . .. yet.)" I'd say go for broke. In a gentle way. Right now you're risking falling into the 'nice guy' syndrome. Let your emotions come out and express to her your interest in more than just 'friends'. Asking her to go out outside of your formalized pattern of interactions would definitely be risky for you, but it would bring the issue of wether she thinks of you as a friend or something more to the forefront. It doesn't have to be anything too formal , something like 'hey there's a concert on saturday would u like to go' and see what she says. A yes will be a good start, a no might still be saved, depending on if she gives you an alternate option. The question is wether you can handle the answer, whichever way it ends up going. Or, you can do the 'nice guy' thing and keep going at it, slow and steady, hoping that each time you see her will be the time that she finally falls for you.

purely for discussion purposes, I get a tinge of jealousy if the girl I'm with says somehting like 'hes hot', since I immediately draw comparisons on what hes got that I don't. I try to chalk those comments up to the fact that she's comfortable with me and is sharing those thoughts with me. Its not as if us guys dont think the same thing when a hot girl passes by.

My ex thought it was a turn on to see two guys kiss. I thought it was kinda of weird. Maybe it's because obviously I can't share that fantasy with her. However, on a more general sense, I can relate to when something about your SO makes you suddenly her feel less desirable for you. If I knew my gf had been with a ton of guys (whatever that number may be for you - usually 2-3x more than your own count) I'd be slightly turned off.

I think the whole stress point is that she keeps repeating it over and over. C'mon, is our original poster deaf of hearing or something? I'd second the idea that perhaps she's trying to convince herself more than you. But I'd be curious to hear how you react to when she says those words.

Does anyone find that people here in the US are too stuck in their cliques? maybe I am biased, but when I was in Europe I had a grand time meeting people, their friends, and friends of their friends, and best of all, becoming friends with them. Granted this was during tourist season, and other travellers, but I was able to still keep in touch with a handful of those, and it's a precious thing. I live in San Jose, CA, and it's the worst city ever for breaking through new social circles, especially if you're socially inept like I am I'm amazed I even have a relationship.

"Hmm...well this is a red flag to me. I think most of the time when someone expresses fear of marriage and children, or other forms of committment, they are really expressing a fear of settling down with the particular person they are with at the moment. That is just my opinion though. Anytime a guy has asked me for space or time to think about committment, it has meant for me that their gut is saying that they do not want to be committed to me. " That is so true. My ex (whom I'm still best friends with) kept saying she doesn't want to get married or kids (and I stuck by hoping she'd change her mind, but also at the time we were younger so it wasn't a factor as much as it would be today). Now she's with someone else , and she says she wouldn't mind it, nor would she mind having little "johnnies" running around. Granted she's changed and matured a bit in the meantime (3 years have passed), but my conclusion from this would be the same - "I dont want to get married" ...(to you).

"That always seemed kinda weird to me and it eventually led to the second reason dealing with a non communicative person is annoying. Whenever we got into arguments many of the things I had told her, (that she liked to listen to) or she had heard me talk about with my friends, were constantly brought up and used to make points because she eventually knew all this personal stuff about me, but I knew so little about her. I eventually began to suspect that her liking to listen to people had nothing to do with being a good listener- it was just a passive aggressive way she used to feel superior to other people, because she could believe that she had more information about them than they had on her- which she could then use to judge them and their actions, but nobody could ever do the same to her- which I came to realize is a very powerful but dysfunctional weapon. Im not saying that is the case with you at all, but when you share a lot of yourself with somebody else, and they dont do the same back to you, then things can get a little lopsided and suspicions begin to abound." HAHAH.This hit the nail in the head. I am to a T this person. (and is your ex gf single? ) I've always considered myself the 'good listener' and I prefer much more to ask questions and let other people talk than to have me talk. I don't really have much in terms of opinions, mostly because there's always more than one side to any one subject and I tend to view both sides of the equation. But the reality is also, it makes me for a boring person. I know of myself I lack that 'passion' that drives interesting people. I've tried to balance this out by volunteering information on my own, but it still feels weird. Mostly because I WANT people to know who I am, but somehow I often fail at that, through some mysterious way I come off or communicate, people just aren't naturally inclined to be asking me questions. I'm cursed with wanting what I cannot have, and having what I do not want. Anyway, KimNYC, I don't think he's totally off, as I am proof of it. Ultimately, I think maybe a no-small-talk person would probably match better with someone with equal tendencies.

I feel I have no "control" because I'm not a leader so I rarely initiate things. On the other hand she's the assertive type so she's always initiate things. I'm also the quiet somewhat shy guy, and she is the gregarious type that always has something to do. So the end result is I end up going with whatever she wants to do or been invited to. That unbalance is starting to get to me, but, I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel since it just seems the combination of passive/aggressive in the relationship is hard to turn around from both sides. My previous relationship was also with someone that's pretty independent and fairly strong. I can almost see in myself that I seek and I am attracted to those kind of women (Freud would have a field day since these women tend to emulate my mom in some way or form, as well as the relationship between her and my dad). I mean who wouldn't like a strong confident assertive woman that's open minded and ready for adventure? my brother, who inherited the passiveness of my dad, happened to marry a woman that's passive as he is, and they've been together for 7 years (+ 1 married). In one of those days where I was questioning myself where this is going to, I talked to both him and his wife if they get 'bored' in their relationship. They have literally no friends and most weekends are spent watching movies or reading books. They seem to be happy in their own world tho, with the occasional adventure once or twice a year. Is that really the type that would work best with my own personality? My last year with my relationship has been pretty amazing in terms of life experiences, but not too great as far as the relationship side of it. Me and my girl we're not meant to be together forever, so maybe I'm wasting my breath and time. But as we all know it's difficult to accept that reality.