married man attracted to married woman

[radioheader]

sounds like you are on the edge....i hope you have some support and good friends to talk to...and did you get that book? i know i'm nagging, but i REALLY think it would be a good read!

[puppeteer]

uh oh...

 

c'mon flipper...don't avoid the site to further your potential affair...

 

we are here to help you.

[JadedStar]

It's okay Flipper. Don't worry. Don't feel any guilt. Your wife has a guy that she feels the same way about. When you and she have issues, she confides in him, yeah she told me about this. She walks with him and she shares with him secrets that no one else knows. And he ALSO shares his troubles about his relationship wtih her. She is a huge solace to him when times are tough. they also have sexual tension so thick you can cut it with a steak knife. So see? There is no need to feel guilty. YOur wife is doing this too. She tries hard tho not to think of him as she doesn't really want to have an affair and hurt you. She asked me to come here and post this for you to relieve your guilt..............

 

 

 

 

yeah. wouldn't that be some shlt dude? Start thinking about this before your wife leaves you and you are left wtih a fantasy that is already married and you end up COLD AND ALONE wanking to memories. After reading thru this thread I am convinced that this is how your story will unfold. Unless you make some changes in your life and get your peter out of payroll.

[monkey3]

I agree that this guy should not keep developing this flirtation with this other woman. He should not have an affair. And I further agree that if he actually has an affair with this woman and his wife finds out, she will be hurt and embittered for life.

BUT I think the harranging he's getting from you goes beyond being honest and helpful. No one seems to be listening to what he's actually saying. He's not saying he's in love. He says he enjoys the positive attention. He enjoys feeling attractive and desirable. SO it's obvious that he is not made to feel that way AT HOME. Marriage is not just some set of rules you have to follow--its a relationship and it goes both ways. And he's obviously not getting anything out of his. And if his wife was truly honest with herself, she'd probably say the same thing. Perhaps they are both taking each other for granted.

 

He SHOULD NOT simply rot in his dead marriage if it can't be brought to life, simply because he's told that's the way it is. If that was the way it worked no one in their right mind would marry.

 

If he's that unhappy he should either talk with his wife about his deep dissatisfaction and try to honestly work it out. If that fails he should just ask for a divorce and move on.

 

He should understand consequences, but even given that, I can't stand reading this kind of demonization of married men or women who express their desire to find some kind of happiness.

 

If you're marriage failed, it's as much your fault as it was your husband's, despite his bad decision not to divorce before moving to someone new. Marriages take two to make and two to break. And I think that throwing your bitterness and hatred at this guy--even if that bitterness and hatred was justifiably earned by your experience--is not helpful to him. It's just your way to vent.

 

Screwing around on your spouse? Bad. Lying to your spouse? Bad. Will there be consequences? Yes--bad ones. Does it make someone evil--no.

 

But "suck it up and stick it out for the kids" is not the answer, because living in misery does no one any good either. He needs to DO SOMETHING. As I said, he needs to be a freakin' man and either work out a happier life with his wife OR just get divorced.

 

 

QUOTE=allie2064;1561516]Flipper...

 

I'm going to be very DIRECT, as my husband cheated on me with a woman he worked with, who he just "LOVED THE ATTENTION FROM". Sounds EXACTLY like your situation. You remind me very much of him.

 

WHY do you find this "such a challenge?" I find your behavior very selfish, and saying "you can't control it" is BS. Just like my husband.

 

My husband and I are not together anymore. He is not with that "woman who he loved the attention" from either. He is living alone...regretting his decision.

 

Do you ever think about your wife while you are flirting with this woman? How do you go home at night and lay down next to your wife? Maybe you can answer that for me, because, my husband can't. I never understood how he could come home after being with her, and lie down next to me in bed and act like everything was wonderful. Everything we had was a lie.

 

Do you remember your wedding day? What was your VOW to your wife? "For better or worse, till death do us part" or, was it "for better or worse, until I find someone who I am 'addicted' to?"

 

You know what I think? I think you are looking for someone to say "Hey...it's okay...we understand...go ahead and cheat on your wife! She'll get over it!"

 

I'll tell you something....she will NEVER get over it. The hurt, the betrayal...the fall out is SOOOOOOOOO far reaching. And this "other woman's huband"...how is HE gonna feel?

 

Are there kids involved? How are they gonna feel about their daddy after they find out he hurt their mommy?

 

I hope you won't miss your kids too much on the days you don't have them...the mornings you wake up and they are not there because you and your wife have divorced, and you have to "split" holidays with the kids. I hope you won't mind those Christmas morining when you wake up and your kids are not with you because you and your wife have to "split" holidays. I hope your KIDS don't mind too much...it's tough coming from a broken home.

 

Hey Flipper...when they get older, I'm sure you can sit them down and explain to them how you just could not get OVER this "addiction" to the "other woman"...surely they will "understand" that "this rush" you are getting now was WORTH all the years you won't be there everyday as their father...as they grow up...play sports...go to the prom, graduate highschool. I'm sure they will UNDERSTAND why they had to listen to their mom cry herself to sleep. And I'm absolutely CERTAIN that it will bring a clear understanding as to why they had to grow up in 2 homes. Hey...it's all about "that rush".

 

So...why don't you print out and save these posts. And when your wife asks you "why" you can show her!!! And when your kids are old enough to understand, you can show them too. And you can explain it all away.

 

The only difference between me and your wife is I FOUND OUT my husband cheated. So, in a sense, I am "your wife". Here's my bet...my bet is you DO have an AFFAIR, you DO REGRET it, and, believe me, your wife WILL find out.

 

She might not find out this year...or next year...or even the year after. But...I GUARANTEE you, she PROBABLY already has an "inkling"...a "gut feeling" that "something" is up. Woman really DO have that "6th sense"

 

Know how long it took me to find out about my husband's affair? 8 years. YUP... EIGHT YEARS.

 

I think, the DECEIPTION of KEEPING THE LIES from me was actually worse than the actual sexual deception. It was living a lie for 8 years. His affair ENDED 8 years ago. I found out in December. I left in January. This was our first Easter apart. Very tough day. Probably why my post is so heated.

 

So...not only did he CHEAT, but he ROBBED me of EIGHT YEARS...those years were not real. We bought a house...we tried to have CHILDREN...I went for all kinds of fertitlity tests...and all this time...he knew...he knew he cheated...for 3 years he cheated...

 

After you have your affair with this woman (which, by the way, I am precedicting that you ABSOLUTELY do), at LEAST do the decent thing and TELL your wife IMMEDIATELY. MAYBE she can forgive you, IF you are really sorry.

 

But don't keep it from her...she will find out. The longer you keep it from her, the worse it makes it for you.

 

Oh The Tangeled Web We Weave When We Practice To Deceive....

 

I bet you are sitting right next to your wife right now, and, at the same time, looking FORWARD to going to work tomorrow...NOT to work, but to see your lover...am I right???

 

Doesn't the guilt every "get to ya"? See....I guess I'm just a different kind of breed...I would just tell my husband I didn't want to be with him before I cheated. I couldn't live with the guilt. What's the trick to that? How do you live with the guilt? I asked my husband over and over...he has no answer. Maybe you can tell me?

 

I really hope you do the right thing and walk away from this woman. You say you want to hear from the spouses who have been hurt. Well, my husband hurt me so much...I can tell you, I will probably never trust another man again. I am hurt, beyond any hurt. My whole life was ripped out from underneath me. I cry everyday. I ask myself "why was I not good enough"? everyday. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I have lost 20 pounds that I don't have to spare to lose. People tell me I look terrible. I have a hard time working, and even caring for myself.

 

You have children. Don't do this. STOP. BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.

 

I'm sure this came accross angry. Because I am angry. And hurt. And your wife will be too. I KNOW what she will go through. YOU DON'T.

 

I think I have gone on and on and on enough....if you don't get my point by now, then you never will.

 

Look at your wife....look at yours kids...look at what you have. And think about it being gone...all gone...no house...no yard...no parties...no family.

 

THINK WITH YOUR BRAIN.

[monkey3]

I know that this is supposed to be an ironic/sarcastic bit of tough love. But you know what? If their marriage is as bad as it sounds like, she probably DOES have a male confidant she share secrets and sexual tension with. In fact I can guarandamntee she does.

Why are people acting like this is some kind of unusual * * * *? I'm certainly not saying the guy should screw around on his wife--he shouldn't. But I bet she's on another board, posting the female version of this same story RIGHT NOW.

 

Also, I would hazard a guess that this guy is feeling "cold and alone" and is probably "wanking it to memories" EVERY FREAKING NIGHT already, even though he's married! You can feel just as cold and alone in a loveless, near-dead marriage as you can once you're divorced.

He doesn't need to "suck it up and stick it out." He need to actively WORK IT OUT with his wife. And if he can't revive the love in his marriage, he should just end it. I'm sure he's making her miserable too.

 

We all die alone.

[monkey3]

Dude, this one woman is not your problem. If you get away from her, you know what? There are more women in the world and you will develop these same feeling with another one at some point. Everyone on this freaking board is trying to treat the symptoms, not the disease. This isn't about avoiding temptation, it's about finding out WHY you're so tempted. And once you know that, chances are you can get to a point with your wife where none of this "other woman" crap is an issue.

 

The problem is not this one woman, the problem is that your marriage is dying. You feel lonely and sad. Chances are your wife does too. Dont' cheat on her with this other woman. Talk to your wife about your feelings. Both of you should go in to couples counseling and find out what's really wrong in your relationship and you can start getting the feelings you have for other women with your wife! It will take work on both your parts, though, and you can't just fester and not tell her you're unhappy. Then, if you can't work it out with your wife, divorce is better than betrayal.

 

I know this is the way to go--i"ve been there.

 

 

Things are not getting any better...I don't know what to say at this point on this forum...I've been given great advice and just need to do it....

 

I'm a wreck inside trying to keep things in control...

[Miss Firecracker]

"We usually go off in the afternoon before I go home to have talks. We talk about everything from family to work stuff."

 

This, in my opinion, is an after hours date with your married girlfriend. When your work is done, spending time there is taking away time from your marriage. It's wrong. You said you don't meet this woman after work. I think you are trying to fool yourself.

[JadedStar]

Oh well. If she is posting it, all i can say is karma is a biotch!

 

 

And where did I say this is some unusual shlt? No, more the contrary. It is very typical, sad to say.

 

My post had nothing to do with sarcastic love. It was REALITY. It may have seemed to be flippant, but i meant it. While he is off pining away for this mysterious love, the woman he married and may even still love deep down might be off doing her own thing and when he finally decides he wants her back, IT MIGHT BE TOO LATE.

 

Such is the ironies of life. If that were my husband, i would want his * * * * to go ahead and divorce me already vs acting like staying with me was some supreme sacrifice and all he could think about was this other woman. He is NOT doing his wife any favors by staying.

[JadedStar]

No, i don't think he should suck it up and stick it out for the kids either. My point is, shlt or get off the pot.

 

It is obvious he DOES NOT want his marriage to work. In that case he should do something about his plight.

 

Divorce your wife and go for someone else, or try very hard to make it work and stay with her.

 

He is looking for magic words here from someone to make him think that suddenly he will feel something for his wife again. If he does NOT want it to work, it WON"T. He has to really feel like he wants it to work. Nothing he is saying on this thread leaves me to believe that. He wants to pine away for this other woman and be a suffering romantic soul. ONce a marriage goes this awry it takes a two parts commitment and one part love to get it back again. You have to have an awful lot of resolve, but when your mind is with someone else, it just won't work.

 

That is fine and good. Just release your wife first.

[Miss Firecracker]

Wow! I just read pretty much all your posts AFTER I responded.

 

If I had known how far this had gotten I wouldn't have bothered. This one is a lost cause.

 

Sometimes it's just inevitable.

[flipper0616]

Wow! I just read pretty much all your posts AFTER I responded.

 

If I had known how far this had gotten I wouldn't have bothered. This one is a lost cause.

 

Sometimes it's just inevitable.

 

This is not a lost cause and you ALL are helping me...I went to church last weekend (I usally do anyways) and asked God for help and signs. What happened in the previous week was enough.

 

1) My wife all of a sudden started thinking I was intentionally hiding my credit card bills for my company which was not really the case but her reaction was an eye opener.

 

2) I got a text page from the OW at 9:00PM at night about how things are not fair and that I was going to take our friendship away all together to get through this mess. My wife asked who it was and I had to make up something. She got all quiet and thinks I was hiding something again. She told me I'm giving her bad vibes and she was worried about me. She was SOOOO SAD and it broke my heart. We got over this and reassured her nothing was happening. This was an eye opener since if she was this sad for just this, she will be 1000X sadder if something really happened.

 

More to come....gotta go...

[puppeteer]

flipper....you are hiding something from your wife.

 

from this post...you made it clear that you HAVE NOT TOLD HER ABOUT ANY OF THIS....which is really bad dude.

 

You must talk to your wife...you must let her know what is going on with you....it's unfair to lie to her, and you are telling her lies by saying nothing is going on...

 

seriously dude...you've been cheating on your wife emotionally with this other woman...it's still cheating.

 

you are hiding and erasing texts...your wife has the vibe which means you are withdrawing from her, all signs point to infidelity.

 

until you confront your wife with the truth about where you are and the inner struggle you are dealing with...then really not much more can be done to help you.

[CallingAllAngels]

TO MONKEY

 

Well, I feel COMPELLED to reply, since you singled out MY post to Flipper.

 

IF you had taken the time to READ Flipper's previous post, (the one before mine) he was THANKING everyone for their posts, saying the ones from "SPOUSES WHO HAVE BEEN HURT BY AFFAIRS" were ones that he found the most helpful. THAT IS WHY I WROTE THE POST IN SUCH A "HARSH" TONE.

 

I am well aware that it takes 2 to make a marriage work.

I am not telling ANYONE they should "stay and suck it up for their kids"

I was telling Flipper the BRUTAL honesty of what happened to me. So he could see through his wife's eyes. Yes, it sounded angry and hurtful...but guess what? Adultry angers and hurts a lot of people!! No point in sugar coating it!! I was telling the man the reality of it.

 

And you know what? Flipper took the time to thank me for telling him my story.

 

That's just an FYI for you. Everyone on this board is entitiled to their opinion. We can agree RESPECFULLY agree to disagree...but DON'T tell me my opinion and my feelings are wrong. Don't....you have not walked in my shoes...experienced my life and been through what I have been through.

 

That's all I will say on this matter.

 

Allie

[CallingAllAngels]

Hey Flipper!

 

I don't believe in "coincidences"...I believe everything happens for a reason.

 

I think, from personal experience, that your wife has a "gut" feeling that something is going on. Believe me...woman do know.

 

Sorry to say, but I'm glad that you got to see her "sad"...that is a DROP IN THE WATER compared to what your affair will do, and all the lies.

 

You sound like a man who REALLY loves his wife. BOUNCE the OW...get another cell phone. Tell her to stop calling. I forgot if she is married or not. If she is, then remind her she is married. She's going for the thrill of the chase. Remember the sad look in your wife's eyes, and keep that line open with God.

 

IF the OW does not leave you alone, perhaps you TELLING your wife would be a good thing? That it started out as work stuff, but then progressed, and when you told her no more, she wouldn't leave you alone? How would your wife react to that?

 

My best....

~Allie

[JadedStar]

You go girl. Well stated.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i have one comment... the OW says it's not 'fair' to take away the friendship, yet what is more true is that is it not fair to your wife to be involved with another woman in a way that threatens your marriage, nor is it fair to the OW's husband that she is so involved with another man that she has these kinds of emotional communications with him...

 

so the OW sounds quite selfish and manipulative, trying to to pull you back into her game by trying to make yourfeel guilty. but really, it sounds like your wife has caught on to the fact that there is something going on with someone, so you are wise to cut this off now, and entirely. there are plenty of people to be 'friends' with, and this situation is obviously something that will threaten your marriage, so best left alone entirely. many people who discover emotional affairs dump their spouse, and don't look back, so please don't let it get to that point.

[starlight]

TO MONKEY

 

I am well aware that it takes 2 to make a marriage work.

I am not telling ANYONE they should "stay and suck it up for their kids"

I was telling Flipper the BRUTAL honesty of what happened to me. So he could see through his wife's eyes. Yes, it sounded angry and hurtful...but guess what? Adultry angers and hurts a lot of people!! No point in sugar coating it!! I was telling the man the reality of it.

 

Allie

 

Alie is right. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work but only 1 person to wreck it.

[flipper0616]

All I can say is Allie has helped alot....

[CallingAllAngels]

You go girl. Well stated.

Thank you!

[treefrogkate]

Hi again Flipper,

 

My wife asked who it was and I had to make up something. She got all quiet and thinks I was hiding something again. She told me I'm giving her bad vibes and she was worried about me.

 

Most people know when something is going on, as I think I said many, many posts ago. You were hiding something.

 

I hate that it's come to your wife noticing something is wrong to sort of shock you into action, but I'm glad this is happening before anything further happened with the OW.

 

It's obvious now that this OW has feelings for you, no matter what she said, is it not? This is a dangerous game, and you need to sit your wife down and talk to her about it.

 

For me, I value honesty and openness in a relationship, and I imagine other people are much the same. You need to come clean and let your wife in on what's going on so she is not left in the dark wondering and coming up with worst-case scenarios. She may be sitting there right now wondering if you're having sex with someone else simply because she's scared and she knows something is going on, but not what. You need to tell her that there is a woman at work that you have become friends with, and during this time you've developed feelings for her. Stress that you have realized this and want to be sure that you don't get into a situation where you would be at all tempted to be unfaithful, so you have cut all contact with the woman. Tell her that the other woman has not respected this decision, and is trying to contact you, but you have not contacted her back. Remind your wife how much you love her and that you are not telling this to her to hurt her, but simply so she knows what's going on and that you want her to know so that you can work together on whatever was wrong in the relationship that caused you to seek attention elsewhere.

 

By coming clean, this other woman is no longer a secret, no longer something exciting and hidden. She is just a married woman looking to be much more than friends with a married man. With your wife on your side, this other woman will have less power over you, and I bet when you tell her that your wife knows about it, she'll lose a lot of the interest she previously had. Maybe I'm wrong, but it's worth a shot to save your marriage, isn't it?

 

Coming clean is the only way to go here, in my opinion. I would hate to be in the dark, just wondering whether my husband was running around behind my back. Continuing to hide things is going to continue to make her worried and suspicious and quiet and hurt and sad.

[radioheader]

treefrogkate - great advice...i wish my husband had come clean...would have saved a lot of heartache for me...even if we didn't make it, i would have felt as if i had a say in what was going on in my life! thanks for making that point!

[radioheader]

flipper - you still doing okay? have you been sucessful at keeping your distance and trying to reconnect with your wife? told her anything? just curious if all this advice is helping to the point of putting it into action?

[treefrogkate]

Flipper, where are you? What's going on?

[starlight]

Flipper!!!! Are you around??

[flipper0616]

I'm here....things are just "ok"...could be better and could be worse....