married man attracted to married woman

[BeStrongBeHappy]

this is like any other addiction... you need to stop cold turkey, just refuse to talk to her or see her for anything personal, and *stop* the 'meaningful' glances.

 

this is like watching a train wreck about to happen. you are so busy stimulating yourself with these thoughts that you are not thinking about all the consequences that most likely will be inevitable. divorce, fighting, unhappy kids, no money, and most likely, you will NOT end up in an enduring relationship with this woman because 99% of affairs endly badly after a few years.

 

but if the real issue is you don't WANT to control yourself, then go ahead, but recognize that it is like having an affair with heroin... a big rush at first, then it takes over your life and clouds your judgment, then you end up strung out, sick, with your life ruined. that's the way affairs usually go, and you need ot think about that seriously rather than scratching an itch with this woman.

[flipper0616]

Thanks for all the posts...It really helps even sometimes I sound like I don't want to stop. Please keep posting...I read alot of other posts from the past of people in my situation and it also helps. I especially find helpful the posts coming from the spouses who end up getting hurt. This is tough and one of the biggest challenges I've faced yet....

[CallingAllAngels]

Thanks for all the posts...It really helps even sometimes I sound like I don't want to stop. Please keep posting...I read alot of other posts from the past of people in my situation and it also helps. I especially find helpful the posts coming from the spouses who end up getting hurt. This is tough and one of the biggest challenges I've faced yet....

 

Flipper...

 

I'm going to be very DIRECT, as my husband cheated on me with a woman he worked with, who he just "LOVED THE ATTENTION FROM". Sounds EXACTLY like your situation. You remind me very much of him.

 

WHY do you find this "such a challenge?" I find your behavior very selfish, and saying "you can't control it" is BS. Just like my husband.

 

My husband and I are not together anymore. He is not with that "woman who he loved the attention" from either. He is living alone...regretting his decision.

 

Do you ever think about your wife while you are flirting with this woman? How do you go home at night and lay down next to your wife? Maybe you can answer that for me, because, my husband can't. I never understood how he could come home after being with her, and lie down next to me in bed and act like everything was wonderful. Everything we had was a lie.

 

Do you remember your wedding day? What was your VOW to your wife? "For better or worse, till death do us part" or, was it "for better or worse, until I find someone who I am 'addicted' to?"

 

You know what I think? I think you are looking for someone to say "Hey...it's okay...we understand...go ahead and cheat on your wife! She'll get over it!"

 

I'll tell you something....she will NEVER get over it. The hurt, the betrayal...the fall out is SOOOOOOOOO far reaching. And this "other woman's huband"...how is HE gonna feel?

 

Are there kids involved? How are they gonna feel about their daddy after they find out he hurt their mommy?

 

I hope you won't miss your kids too much on the days you don't have them...the mornings you wake up and they are not there because you and your wife have divorced, and you have to "split" holidays with the kids. I hope you won't mind those Christmas morining when you wake up and your kids are not with you because you and your wife have to "split" holidays. I hope your KIDS don't mind too much...it's tough coming from a broken home.

 

Hey Flipper...when they get older, I'm sure you can sit them down and explain to them how you just could not get OVER this "addiction" to the "other woman"...surely they will "understand" that "this rush" you are getting now was WORTH all the years you won't be there everyday as their father...as they grow up...play sports...go to the prom, graduate highschool. I'm sure they will UNDERSTAND why they had to listen to their mom cry herself to sleep. And I'm absolutely CERTAIN that it will bring a clear understanding as to why they had to grow up in 2 homes. Hey...it's all about "that rush".

 

So...why don't you print out and save these posts. And when your wife asks you "why" you can show her!!! And when your kids are old enough to understand, you can show them too. And you can explain it all away.

 

The only difference between me and your wife is I FOUND OUT my husband cheated. So, in a sense, I am "your wife". Here's my bet...my bet is you DO have an AFFAIR, you DO REGRET it, and, believe me, your wife WILL find out.

 

She might not find out this year...or next year...or even the year after. But...I GUARANTEE you, she PROBABLY already has an "inkling"...a "gut feeling" that "something" is up. Woman really DO have that "6th sense"

 

Know how long it took me to find out about my husband's affair? 8 years. YUP... EIGHT YEARS.

 

I think, the DECEIPTION of KEEPING THE LIES from me was actually worse than the actual sexual deception. It was living a lie for 8 years. His affair ENDED 8 years ago. I found out in December. I left in January. This was our first Easter apart. Very tough day. Probably why my post is so heated.

 

So...not only did he CHEAT, but he ROBBED me of EIGHT YEARS...those years were not real. We bought a house...we tried to have CHILDREN...I went for all kinds of fertitlity tests...and all this time...he knew...he knew he cheated...for 3 years he cheated...

 

After you have your affair with this woman (which, by the way, I am precedicting that you ABSOLUTELY do), at LEAST do the decent thing and TELL your wife IMMEDIATELY. MAYBE she can forgive you, IF you are really sorry.

 

But don't keep it from her...she will find out. The longer you keep it from her, the worse it makes it for you.

 

Oh The Tangeled Web We Weave When We Practice To Deceive....

 

I bet you are sitting right next to your wife right now, and, at the same time, looking FORWARD to going to work tomorrow...NOT to work, but to see your lover...am I right???

 

Doesn't the guilt every "get to ya"? See....I guess I'm just a different kind of breed...I would just tell my husband I didn't want to be with him before I cheated. I couldn't live with the guilt. What's the trick to that? How do you live with the guilt? I asked my husband over and over...he has no answer. Maybe you can tell me?

 

I really hope you do the right thing and walk away from this woman. You say you want to hear from the spouses who have been hurt. Well, my husband hurt me so much...I can tell you, I will probably never trust another man again. I am hurt, beyond any hurt. My whole life was ripped out from underneath me. I cry everyday. I ask myself "why was I not good enough"? everyday. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I have lost 20 pounds that I don't have to spare to lose. People tell me I look terrible. I have a hard time working, and even caring for myself.

 

You have children. Don't do this. STOP. BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE.

 

I'm sure this came accross angry. Because I am angry. And hurt. And your wife will be too. I KNOW what she will go through. YOU DON'T.

 

I think I have gone on and on and on enough....if you don't get my point by now, then you never will.

 

Look at your wife....look at yours kids...look at what you have. And think about it being gone...all gone...no house...no yard...no parties...no family.

 

THINK WITH YOUR BRAIN.

[flipper0616]

Alllie, thanks....You have every right to be angry...Just to be clear, I don't a physical relationship with this other woman. Nor do I know if she even feels the same way...but we are emotionally bonding...

 

thanks for the post....I needed that.

[Bethany]

I'm having a hard time avoiding her or stopping to talk to her.

I know that's the only way out of this but like someone said...it's like

an addiction and the more time I spend with her the more time I want.

Like today, we planned on going for our daily talk after all the days work

and ended up having a late lunch. I now find out she's having some

trouble at home with the hubby so this may put me in deeper trouble as

I fall into this hole even more....How do I check into rehab?

 

Listen, if she is having trouble with her husband it is even more reason to keep away from her.

 

If you continue this, this is the way it will most likely go for you.... You will be the one she turns to for emotional support, the person she relies on, maybe even falls in love with, who she might leave her husband, ends her marriage for, but the reality is that you will end up not with a fun, sexy, single lady who you spend time with, but an emotional messed up wreck who cries on your shoulder, falls apart, becomes needy and calls you at home, causing problems between you and your wife and she could possibly somewhere down the line expect you to leave your wife and if you don't things could turn nasty or bitter.

 

If you want to be with her, and her with you, the right and proper course of action for both of you to avoid the above from happening is that you BOTH need stop avoiding the truth and pretending that it isn't happening because it is and stop this now and work on your own marriages separately with no emotional support between you. If things don't work out in our mariages at least you give it your best shot, and then and only then do you consider leaving your wife and getting together with this woman.

 

Only weak scumbags take advantage of emotionally messed up women, break marriages and have affairs...Forget it and live to regret it.

[flipper0616]

Bethany, this started long before I knew she had problems. I told her she could talk to me about anything if she needed to - which I think was a mistake given the posts here. I don't think I'm a scum bag for caring about whether she is happy or not. I'm not trying to justify anything at all. Everything here so far I've been told first hand from close friends at work. What started as a joke between the guys is no longer funny anymore. They now think I'm in too deep and need a course correction. They are right. You all are right. I even told a buddy to just deck me...!!

[CallingAllAngels]

Alllie, thanks....You have every right to be angry...Just to be clear, I don't a physical relationship with this other woman. Nor do I know if she even feels the same way...but we are emotionally bonding...

 

thanks for the post....I needed that.

 

Thanks for understanding my anger...

 

I will warn you of one last thing...emotional bonding to ME was actually WORSE than the physical...you are already having an "emotional affair" with her...when you are thinking of her...you are not thinking of your wife. Emotionally, you are NOT with your wife or children...

 

And now she's having "marital troubles" (???)...I see RED FLAGS everywhere.

 

YOU are at a cross road...which road are you going to take? I believe you have been given some very good honest advice. But in the end, everyone does what they WANT to do.

 

I hope you run from this woman...

 

I know you like the attention, and it is exciting....but it will end...and the fall out is so far reaching...you will regret it. TRUST ME...you DON'T wanna be in MY SHOES.

[puppeteer]

i agree with allie...

 

you are having an emotional affar.

 

which in many ways can be worse than a physical affair.

 

you are not being true to your wife, your commitment to her, or to your family and the well being of them.

 

seriously dude....even in your responses i can hear your dismissal of everyone's opinion.

 

you are headed for dark days.

 

but you do have a choice.

[flipper0616]

i agree with allie...

 

seriously dude....even in your responses i can hear your dismissal of everyone's opinion.

 

but you do have a choice.

 

I will not disagree with this statement...The stupid/selfish side of me wants to just do the wrong thing. Sometimes I feel like it's ok to just talk with this lady as long as things don't get physical.

 

Allie in the post above really hit me. When I'm in the family room with the kids and playing or watching everyone laughing and playing and see how happy everyone and the thought of never seeing that again definitely stops me. I don't want to lose what I have. Someone in a previous post

also said something about the small choices I'm making is keeping me on this

path and that's where I need to find strength to walk away. I onced

walk away from someone about 15 years ago and said to myself if I can walk away from her, I can walk away from anything - this was easier said than done. I'm constantly thinking about how bad this will be for everyone

if I don't stop. As long as I have these thoughts, I can hold this off...I now have to figure out how to stay away from her.....

[CallingAllAngels]

Flipper...

 

I am SO GLAD that something I said trigged some "sense" into you.

 

The REALITY of what WILL happen is NOT WORTH the "rush" you will get. That is temporary.

 

You wife...your children...they are your FOREVER.

 

How old are you kids? Keep thinking about them playing in the family room. They WANT and DESERVE to have both their mom AND dad there with them.

 

You will lose it all...you will. Will your wife be able to afford the house without you? Do you want your children to grow up in an Apartment Complex?

 

Do you want them to have to go through having 2 homes...one with mom, one with dad? Having to constantly go back and forth and back and forth.

 

If you WON'T stay away from this other woman for your wife, do it for your CHILDREN...look in those innocent eyes...they love you...they expect that you will ALWAYS be their daddy...always be there when they have a bad dream in the middle of the night...always be there when they wake up on Christmas morining...be there when they go out on their first date...be there when they experience their first break up.

 

They don't WANT to live in 2 homes. They don't WANT daddy to have to leave.

 

Please...as you stand at this cross road...take the right path. Do the RIGHT thing.

 

I'm glad something I sad triggered something in you.

 

When you get "the rush", you just think of those kids. How many do you have, and how old are they?

[Bethany]

Bethany, this started long before I knew she had problems. I told her she could talk to me about anything if she needed to - which I think was a mistake given the posts here. I don't think I'm a scum bag for caring about whether she is happy or not. I'm not trying to justify anything at all. Everything here so far I've been told first hand from close friends at work. What started as a joke between the guys is no longer funny anymore. They now think I'm in too deep and need a course correction. They are right. You all are right. I even told a buddy to just deck me...!!

 

I didnt say you were a scumbag yet, but if you continue this you will become one and if you think for one second that you are not or will never be just because you 'care' then tell your wife what you are doing and get a second opinion.

 

This woman is someone else's wife so leave her alone. How would you feel if another man 'cared' about YOUR wife in the way you 'care' for this woman?

 

BTW, stop talking to your work colleagues about it. To you it's an agonising emotional problem but to them it's a juicy bit of gossip. But not only that, you disrespect and make a fool of your wife whilst doing it.

 

I have already warned you where you will end up if you don't start taking responsibity for your DELIBERATE behaviour.

 

Don't be a fool, walk away.

[little red]

I've just read through this entire thread for the first time.

 

And I wish I had the words to help you make what I and so many other people know would be the right decision.

 

And I wish you could find the strength to do what will prove to be best for everyone involved.

 

Because I know ... like so many people here have said, where this will lead, because I've been there, in the position of the woman you are talking to. You can't underestimate the power of having someone who listens to you, who cares and understands. And when you feel that, a connection is made and grows and develops it each time you feed it by thinking about her, talking to her, etc.

 

Friendships are great, when boundaries are clearly set and maintained. But you and I both know that this isn't one of them. There's only one thing you can do for an ultimately happy ending. It will be hard, it will feel like a sacrifice, but love is a commitment, a decision to put your wife first even when your emotions don't feel like it. You will need to find strength.

 

It took me a while, and the support and challenge of some wonderful, true and patient friends - but I managed to walk away, put my focus on my husband and my family and do the right thing. It's not easy - I feel as though I've lost a fantastic friendship in many ways. And I miss the closeness we shared at times. Believe me, I do understand. I know where you're at. But I promise you, that as so many hurting people are saying to you here - the alternative is so much worse and will hurt and affect so many people.

 

Fight it. Please. And if you need support on the way, I can be here for you - pm me if you want to know more about how I came through where you're at.

 

I want to help you so badly, but I know only you can do it. You must get to the place where you the desire to put your marriage and family first comes before your friendship with this woman.

 

LR

[flipper0616]

Flipper...

How many do you have, and how old are they?

 

We both have 2 kids at grade school ages. We both love our kids very much.

Thanks for more things to think about and picture in mind....

[CallingAllAngels]

We both have 2 kids at grade school ages. We both love our kids very much.

Thanks for more things to think about and picture in mind....

 

Grade school...those are YOUNG children...you have 4 children between the two of you who will be hurt beyond all belief if you don't STOP now.

 

Think of them laying in bed at night...crying themselves to sleep. Do you know that children ALWAYS blame themselves when their parent's split up?

Your son needs his father...do you have a daughter? There is NO bond like that between a daddy and his little girl. You want to dance with her at her wedding, don't you?

 

C'mon...I'm givin' you all I got man...don't make your little one's cry. Look in their eyes...you are their hero...what will they think when the rug is ripped out right from underneath their lives?

 

Come on...turn your focus OFF this woman and BACK where it belongs...with your wife, and your beautiful children. Her children don't deserve it either...but I want you tonight when you tuck your kids in to bed THINK about how it will feel when you are NOT there to do that anymore...how YOU will feel, and how your little ones will feel if you have an affair.

 

Now...you let me know, after doing that...is your "rush" worth it??????

 

Do the right thing....take the right road...

 

~Allie

[BeStrongBeHappy]

stop and think about it... how is continuing to talk to her helping either of you, or your kids, or your family?? the old expression applies, 'the little head is thinking for the big head' right now.

 

there world is full of FEMALE friend and support for her if she is having trouble and needs it. you do NOT need to be the shoulder to cry on, especially if you are thinking about looking down her shirt while she is crying on your shoulder!!

 

you should have one last talk with her (where you are sitting on the opposite side of the table from her, no touching), and tell her that you are both playing with a fire that can destroy a whole bunch of people's lives, and you need to rely on friends who are NOT big temptations or threats to your marriages.

 

BOTH couples need marriage counseling and to avoid anythign that can drive a wedge between them, whether there is sex involved or not. the fact that you are struggling with this and fighting an attraction should be enough to make you steer clear. get it out in the open, explain to her that you can no longer serve as her confidant, and take it back to a strictly work relationship.

 

you both could also be threatening your careers and jobs, if other people are starting to talk about this. some person at work who does not approve just might drop a bug in your wife's ear (or her husband's ear) about this, or complain to the boss, or complain to HR about how your little 'romance' is upsetting people. most people do NOT approve of adultery, and may assume this relationship is far from innocent (which it is, whether you are admitting that or not)... that could affect promotions, job assignments, or even get you fired if it affects your job performance, or enough people complain.

[flipper0616]

Ok, probably the best thing happened the last couple of days.

1) we both admitted spending as much time as we did together would hurt our spouses if they found out.

 

2) Today, she said we should stop having lunch because of our spouses.

 

We both got very emotional with #2 and is very tough but it's the right thing to do. It was towards the end of the day and we got interrupted before we could finish talking about #2.

 

This can go in 2 directions. It will either happen if we're both strong enough to resist. Or being away/apart may strengthen this. This is tough and I feel ashamed. I'm sorry to all the people have actually been hurt and going through something I'm struggling to avoid....

[starlight]

How's everything going Flipper??

[flipper0616]

How's everything going Flipper??

 

Everything is OK...I just need have the strength to set things straight tomorrow. As you can see from my last post, she has asked me to stop asking her to lunch for both of our spouses sakes. We both got very emotional and before we finished talking, we got interrupted. I know now for sure she has feelings since she instantly teared up and for the first time I showed some emotion (which I should not have but couldn't control). If she didn't care about this, I guess she could have told me to go away a long time ago while she fixes her marriage. I know she is trying and I need to respect that for both our sakes. I find myself being the weaker one at this point and need to take this opportunity to support her decision and not change her mind. It's tough....but I'm hanging on...I feel I can beat this given support from friends and also from posts on this forum from people who have gone through is or are going through it now....

 

Thanks for asking....

[radioheader]

this happened with my husband...got involved with a married woman both have 2 kids...their relationship strenthened over several years and they started spending more time together during work hours (he was always home night and weekends)...it turned physical and let me tell you.....it is NOT worth all the hurt it has caused!!! she is now divorced and we are trying to keep our marriage together...they ended it almost 2 years ago (they no longer work together) and it still haunts our marriage and me personally...

 

if you get serious with someone else, leave your wife and kids first...do not subject them to an affair! everyone looses big time! you are doing the right thing by distancing yourselves...that is a start...good luck to you

 

and there is a great book called, "not just friends" by shirley glass...if you can find a place to read it away from home and would like some insight on what is going on...it is an excellent read for someone in your situation or anyone who is tempted by someone else...helped both me and my husband!

[CallingAllAngels]

I could NOT agree more with you Radiohead...

 

My husband and I are separarated because he also had an affair w/a woman he works with...I think most here know my story...it is a long and painful one.

 

I would NOT wish this pain on anyone...I have been hurt beyong what words can say. My marriage is destroyed...

 

FLIPPER...the DESASTATION your affair will do to your wife will make what you are going through now (distancing yourself from your potention lover) seem like a walk in the park. TRUST ME.

 

Print out Radiohead's post if need be.

 

TRUST ME...IT IS NOT WORTH IT.

 

IF you want to have the affair...like radiohead said...tell your wife...LEAVE HER FIRST.

 

You WILL not get away with it. My husband hid his for EIGHT YEARS after it ended...but "oh the tangled web we weave when we practive to deceive". I found out. And a 12 year marriage and 22 year relationship is now over.

 

You have NO idea the pain and misery that lay ahead if you don't end this.

 

I really hope you do the right thing...

 

~Allie

[flipper0616]

Well on Monday, we had a heart to heart talk. We both stayed strong and no one broke down but we mutually said that we love our families and that we should stop going to lunch for our families sake. We agreed we need to focus on our marriages to make it the best they can be. I think we're both on the right path and we both took our first step to making sure this doesn't turn into something we'll regret the rest of our lives....

[starlight]

Well on Monday, we had a heart to heart talk. We both stayed strong and no one broke down but we mutually said that we love our families and that we should stop going to lunch for our families sake. We agreed we need to focus on our marriages to make it the best they can be. I think we're both on the right path and we both took our first step to making sure this doesn't turn into something we'll regret the rest of our lives....

 

 

I hope you believe that Flipper because to me it sounds like you are really enjoying this and don't really want it to be over.

[somanymistakes]

"My question is: IF you love your wife, then why are you engaging in this type of behavior? IF my husband loves(ed) me, then why did he have an affair?"

 

Because love isn't exclusive Allie. Or even permanent. If it was this board wouldn't even exist. I'm sorry you were hurt so badly. People screw up. If you loved him, why couldn't you forgive him for a mistake so ancient and move on?

 

Because love doesn't work like that. It doesn't conquer all, it doesn't create perfection, and sometimes it makes people crazy.

 

Flipper, I know where you are coming from. You are doing the right thing. I'm really glad you talked with her. I'm really glad you are trying to maintain a friendship - you obviously have a connection that can be strength, not just weakness. "You've got other friends" is bull * * * * - other friends really hate you moping around and carrying your secrets. I've unloaded on enough of mine to see it - they haven't been in that situation, they don't know what to say, and they were happier not knowing. Now its a weird unspoken thing.

 

But you really need to be careful, and open, and honest.

 

Good luck with your marriage, I hope it turns out like you want it to. Don't doubt yourself because of this - this forum should convince you its one of those things that can happen to most anyone.

[puppeteer]

flipper...you have done a good thing by setting boundaries with this other woman.

 

now the tough part. you need to talk to your wife. you need to let her know that you love her, but that you BOTH need to seek some counseling to work out some issues that are affecting you.

 

you need to let her know how committed to her you are. you need to let her know that you have been feeling distant. you need to let her know that you are going to work hard to end those feelings.

 

but you also need to let her know that you need her help.

 

you can't do this alone. you can't fix this without her.

 

talk to your wife.

[treefrogkate]

flipper...you have done a good thing by setting boundaries with this other woman.

 

now the tough part. you need to talk to your wife. you need to let her know that you love her, but that you BOTH need to seek some counseling to work out some issues that are affecting you.

 

you need to let her know how committed to her you are. you need to let her know that you have been feeling distant. you need to let her know that you are going to work hard to end those feelings.

 

but you also need to let her know that you need her help.

 

you can't do this alone. you can't fix this without her.

 

talk to your wife.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with this. You need to figure out the why of considering cheating on your wife. Until you figure out the why, you and your marriage are vulnerable to having this happen again.