married man attracted to married woman

[flipper0616]

I hope you believe that Flipper because to me it sounds like you are really enjoying this and don't really want it to be over.

 

My best friend said the same thing to me...I don't know if I really enjoy it or deep down don't want to stop..It's very tough for me to walk away...I feel hurt when I have to stay away. Now whenever we walk somewhere together we

always preface it with "Is this allowed?"...It's kind of a joke between us now and hopefully is part of getting over this...

[CallingAllAngels]

My best friend said the same thing to me...I don't know if I really enjoy it or deep down don't want to stop..It's very tough for me to walk away...I feel hurt when I have to stay away. Now whenever we walk somewhere together we

always preface it with "Is this allowed?"...It's kind of a joke between us now and hopefully is part of getting over this...

Hey Flipper....

 

I don't think this is over...I really hope I'm wrong...but I don't think it is.

 

Just for a moment...remove yourself from the situation.

 

Now...IF this was a good friend of yours who was doing this, what would you HONESTLY say to them? Also...how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? How would you feel if your wife was hanging around with a guy, and telling her friends it was "hard to walk away"...how would you feel if she was "hurt when she had to stay away" from her male "friend".

 

You shouldn't be working with the other woman on "getting over this"...you should rip it off like a bandaid...and talk to your wife.

 

Oh...I just wish for ONE SECOND I could put you on the OTHER side of this. TRUST ME..you would RUN AWAY...not "walk somewhere and joke 'Is this allowed?'"

 

Nope...I definitely don't think it's over buddy. I sure wish you the best. I think you're gonna be in for a world of hurt.

[af1982]

Flipper, I just wanted to say that you really need to let your wife know what's going on. As long as you and this other lady are having this secret emotional intensity between you, it will make your heart flutter and bring you both excitement. What you are feeling because of your interactions from this woman is valid, and she is clearly meeting a need that you have. Maybe you don't even know what that need is, and she intuitively does. The same goes for her. You are meeting a need of hers. You don't have to go through life not getting your needs met, but you do have to be responsible in getting your needs met. Whatever you are are getting from this woman, you could get from your wife(understanding, admiration,etc). But first you have to find out what you need, then figure out how to let your wife know what you need, and then let your wife know about this other woman so that you and the other woman no longer share intimacy.

[flipper0616]

Here's where this whole mess stands....It looks like my feelings for her has been one sided. We are close and we still share and talk about things we perhaps shouldn't. After I flat out told her I developed feelings for her that I was not comfortable having for being a married man, she said she didn't know I had these feelings. She's said she views our relationship more like brother/sister so this should stop things right there. She's asked me multiple times how long I've had these feelings. I tell her I've always been attracted to her but lost control once we started working in the same department. She tells me she wonders if I'm avoiding her or upset with her when I'm not in the room with her during the day - why does she care if she has no feelings. I told her statistically speaking, we cannot be just friends as I have the attraction towards her but I will do my best to keep my feelings in check. I don't want to lose her as a friend. She's actually starting to sound like the posts on this board asking me to ask myself what's missing in my marriage. She already screwed up like I said in an earlier post with her husband and doesn't want me to make the same mistake in losing my wifes trust.

 

I still think I'll make it out of this mess without hurting anyone except maybe myself as I gain control of my feelings for this lady....

 

Would you all consider this safe since she does not share the same feelings?

[Curlywurly]

You seem a nice person and devoted to your family thus far...a simple way to cure you of this is .. imagine your wife reading this. O.K so is that enough to stop you. Regardless of how this lady feels, no.. you are still feeling for her. Pretty soon I guess this lady will get annoyed by it and you'll then feel rejected. Kind of tough as for me she's out of this, it's only you keeping the idea of possibility of her in. If you were my fella and I read this, I'd acknowledge we needed to resolve some stuff...but first I'd cry and then never trust you ever again.

[CallingAllAngels]

I still think I'll make it out of this mess without hurting anyone except maybe myself as I gain control of my feelings for this lady....

 

Would you all consider this safe since she does not share the same feelings?

 

 

Flippper...

 

Speaking as a woman, my gut tells me, she may TELL you she doesn't have feelings for you, but, rest assured my friend, she does.

 

Again...I wish I could put you on the other side of this...where all the pain is. You would run.

 

To answer your question...NO, I do NOT think this is "safe". EVEN if she DOESN'T "feel the same way" right now, given the fact that she knows YOU do, she very well may develop feelings.

 

I geniunely think you are a good guy, in a really really bad mess. I'd like to take you and just slap some sense into you!!!!! (NO....I'M KIDDING ABOUT THE SLAP!)

 

How old are you? I'm just curious. I just turned 41. Maybe it's my age that gives me such a clear understanding of this, or maybe it's because I'm on the outside looking in. Maybe it's because MY husband did EXACTLY what you are doing...and...in time, their "friendship" turned physical.

 

You ALREADY are having an affair...right now it's emotional. Flipper...I really don't want to have to tell you "I told you so."

 

You seem to be looking for someone to tell you that what you are doing is "okay". Now...so far...has anyone said that? I don't remember seeing one.

 

Most have told you (at least I have) the pain and the hurt that runs so deep, and will affect more people than you EVER thought...I don't have children...you do. They will be hurt. Your parents will be hurt...your wife will be DEVASTATED. Her family will be hurt.

 

I don't know what else to say to you. You are playing with FIRE.

 

I'm waiting for the day I see your post saying that you cheated, and how bad you feel.

 

C'mon buddy....prove me WRONG!!!

 

I wish you the best...

 

~Allie

[puppeteer]

dude...ok...(sigh).

 

flipper...

 

meet willpower.

 

willpower, flipper.

 

flipper...i would like you to hang out with willpower because you need it.

 

you are a grown man with grown up responsibilities to your WIFE AND CHILDREN....

 

stop acting like a kid with a schoolboy crush...

 

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS WRONG. so stop asking us if this or that is ok. none of it is ok.

 

the only thing that is ok is to stop any contact with this woman. period.

 

that you continue to test boundaries with this woman and come back to this site to check in if its "ok" to do this or that is insulting.

 

grumble....

[treefrogkate]

Flipper, my friend. I honestly think you're either subconsciously deluding yourself or being incredibly naive about your situation. I really don't mean to be harsh, but you keep asking if it's ok for you to be friends, and we keep saying that staying "friends" with this woman could quite possibly be the worst mistake you'll ever make.

 

I hope you read my PM from the other day. You really need to cut off contact with this woman (transfer to a different project, work in a different office, get a new job altogether). If you must work with her, then you need to keep it strictly professional, with no confiding or consoling. You need to cut her off at the pass: "Oh Flipper, my husband is being such a meanie." "I'm sorry, Other Woman, we've promised not to discuss our personal lives with each other. Now about this project..."

 

Walking places together, going to lunch, confiding details about your personal life to each other, ALL of this has to stop.

 

Please reread the last part of the PM reply I wrote to you:

Here is the very best piece of advice I can give you: Don't do or say anything while you're apart from your significant other that you wouldn't do if they were there. Don't say anything to this woman that your wife wouldn't want to hear you say. Don't do anything (like flirting) that you wouldn't do if your wife was watching you. You should live honestly, respectfully, and transparently toward your wife. I can only speak from my own experiences, but this is how I treat my boyfriend, and we are really happy.

 

You also really need to talk to your wife about your own relationship. What are you lacking in your marriage that is making you vulnerable to attraction to the other woman? People who are happy in their marriage don't look outside the marriage for affection and attention.

 

We've said everything we can about this. Either you'll decide that there is a lot of collective experience on these boards and cut off your contact with the woman and save your marriage, or you'll keep being "friends" with the OW, and possibly do something you may regret terribly for the rest of your life.

[Gus Almighty]

I can see you as a great Michael Douglas right now Gus with the things going on in your life....One day he just snapped.... I'm callin Hollywood, I'll be your Assistant, just let me drive the Hummer, K?

 

lol ok Summer its a deal.

[Gus Almighty]

I'm having a hard time avoiding her or stopping to talk to her.

I know that's the only way out of this but like someone said...it's like

an addiction and the more time I spend with her the more time I want.

Like today, we planned on going for our daily talk after all the days work

and ended up having a late lunch. I now find out she's having some

trouble at home with the hubby so this may put me in deeper trouble as

I fall into this hole even more....How do I check into rehab?

 

It might help you to read my threads in trust and relationships as well as my journal in the journals section.

 

You will see what something like this can do to a person. The relationship you are in with this woman is not all that much different from my current life situation.

 

Look at this, look at the pain it will cause you. Look at the pain it will cause that womans husband, her children and finally you will be able to see the pain it causes the woman herself it if gets out of hand.

 

I have a very sick wife in my hands right now and am doing everything I can to get her better for me, for her and for my 10 month old son.

 

Its all new and exciting at first, it really is but the end result isnt very favorable for anyone.

 

Do what you know is right.

[boston23]

Flipper--

I've just skimmed through most of your posts, and it seems to me that you're doing the same thing a lot of people come here to try to get...reassurance from other people that what they're doing is ok when they already know it's not ok.

 

You know where this is headed, and the way your acting about it (making excuses for spending time with her STILL despite knowing that you have feelings) means that you will have an affair, unless you swerve off course. Everyone is trying to get you to see what is absolutely clear. You are going to hurt a lot of people with this...stop it before it's too late. Trust me, the way you've been writing this stuff makes the ending inevitable, fastforward a couple of months down the road:

 

YOU HAD AN AFFAIR.

 

This is really not what you want. Having an affair would be absolutely devestating. The fact that you asked if it was ok to be friends with her means that you are totally lying to yourself. You can't be friends with her!! If you are really serious about this not going farther (and to be honest, it seems that you want it to go farther), then you need to do everything possible to break contact from her. Make good friends with some of the men in your department, get transferred, get a new job. You don't even want to be friends with her enough to say "Are we allowed to do this?" in the hallway.

 

I may sound really harsh here, but this has been pages of replies that you just don't seem to have listened to. And as other people have said, figure out what you're marriage needs. Go spend that extra time with your wife. Trust me, if you feel that you need to get the extra attention from someone else, your wife isn't completely happy in the marriage either. Oh, and don't tell your wife about this emotional affair. You would be doing it to make yourself feel better, but it will just make her feel horrible.

 

Fix the problem and stop coming up with excuses.

[flipper0616]

OK...so here's what I tried today....I sat on a totally separate floor and had all the meeting moderators provide me a bridge line so I can call in and would have to be in that room. It was tough...I took the day hour by hour but was trying. She called me for a meeting and went down for 10 minutes and left right away. She called me to take a walk to buy lunch but luckily I had a meeting. I had to stop in the meeting room to talk to another guy for 30 seconds and left. She text pages and tries to put a guilt trip about me not even saying hi and what did she do now to upset me - I was just following plans. She e-mails me telling me she's upset so I call her back (sorry that was a mistake). She finally says she was upset because I disappeared without telling her where I was going....I know she has some feelings which make this dangerous.

 

I'm going to try to go through the same things tomorrow but I know it will be tough since I really do need to be in that room.....

 

I hear what everyone is saying and I appreciate it all....I'm fighting as best as I can right now and taking things one day at a time....

[starlight]

Hi Flipper,

 

I actually think that you've both gone to the next stage of this 'relationship' and it's getting even closer to the point of no return. Be very careful. You know that she has feelings for you and I think that very soon something more is going to happen.

 

I also think that you looking at taking one day at a time is not a positive move. You should be saying. "I am married, I'm in love with my wife and children, and I will not jeopordise this for anybody". I'm sure the 'feelings' you have for this woman could go if you wanted them to. It's kind of like you are building up for tomorrow to be the day or something.

[CallingAllAngels]

She text pages and tries to put a guilt trip about me not even saying hi and what did she do now to upset me - I was just following plans. She e-mails me telling me she's upset so I call her back (sorry that was a mistake). She finally says she was upset because I disappeared without telling her where I was going....I know she has some feelings which make this dangerous

 

Flipper....

 

I hate to say I told you so, but, in my last post, I said, I DOUBTED very much that this OW had no feelings towards you. Her actions speak louder than words....

 

You've already got one foot in the water my friend.

 

As someone who had become both very physically and mentally ill as a result of an affair my husband had, I really can't say anything more to you at this point.

 

You seem more concerned about this OW and her being "upset".

 

You made no promises to her. You made a VOW to your wife.

 

I feel very bad for what lies ahead for your wife. It's simply a matter of time.

 

When (and I believe it is just a matter of when) you cross the line to a physcial affair, please give your wife the address to this web site and ask her to look me up. She's in for so much hurt I hurt for her already.

 

I'm sorry...but I'm just callin' it like I see it.

 

So very sad...for you...your wife...and your child.

 

What lies ahead for you is:

 

Not coming home to your child

Not coming home to your wife

Not coming home to your house

Nights alone, because, this OW won't be around

A wife who will feels so betrayed she won't even know who you are.

Trust that is broken and may or may not be able to EVER be repaired.

 

I hope that it's worth it for you. Because it WASN'T worth it for my husband. But it's too late...sometimes, "I'm sorry" just isn't good enough.

 

All relationships are based on TRUST. It takes YEARS to build, a MOMENT to destroy, and a LIFETIME to get back.

 

~Allie

[treefrogkate]

I don't think it's exactly fair of you to leave this woman in the dark about why you're not contacting her either. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that you can't be friends with her at this time because you are worried about the feelings you have, and are worried about hurting your family. Tell her that it's not a specific thing she did, but that because of your feelings, you cannot have her confiding things about her personal life to you any longer, and that you would appreciate if she did not try to contact you for any reason outside of business reasons.

 

Make sure she understands that you are completely serious about this, and unless it is for business reasons, do not talk with her any further if she calls you.

 

I agree with starlight that this should not be a one-day-at-a-time thing... this is a permanent thing for as long as you have feelings toward her for the security of your marriage.

 

Have you gone to counseling with your wife yet, or even spoken with her about how you are feeling? You need to do this, because you are just leaving yourself vulnerable for the next woman you work with that talks about her private life. Flipper, honestly, talk to your wife about what the root of the problem might be. People who are in a happy, healthy marriage do not consider boinking their coworkers.

[dy0405]

I don't think you are taking any of these advice that have been given so kindly to you. These people really care about you and your wife and don't want to see you in the same situations some of us are in. I know how hard it is trying to avoid her.... Trust me I've been in the same boat (still am in a way). If you can't stop talking to her then I suggest you FIND ANOTHER JOB.

[radioheader]

exactly dy0405...this is what my husaband's affair partner did...she left the company...there was no way that they could've worked together and totally quit the affair...you go thru such a withdrawl from that addictive feeling of the affair b/f you can really get over it...and there is no way to go thru it with the affair partner in your face....it is just like an alcoholic trying to give up alcohol...they have to remove themselves totally from it...the temptation is

too great!

 

i agree with allie too...i'm still trying to forgive my husband and build BUT it is so hard to get over the lack of trust...i feel like i don't know him at all...but i have other circumstances going on as well...good luck everyone...

 

and flipper, you know what you have to do...IF, you want to save your marriage...

[Dako]

flipper.

 

Make a choice between these women and be loyal to her.

Right now, you're doing them no favors by hiding out in fear.

 

Be the one to call it off.

[dy0405]

Flipper.... I'm not one to be giving advice b/c I was in your shoes a few months ago.

 

But sadly, it looks to me like this affair is already in motion. In reading all your post and your other thread.... you seem to care about this OW's feelings more than your wife. And it is like a drug.... you will crave her attention more and more... just like she is craving yours and asking "why you are avoiding her". And we all know what will come next. There can be a million good advice posted here for you .... but none of it will do any good if you don't make the right decision yourself.

 

I wish you the best and hope that you would not make the same mistakes I did.... Please take all the advice given you here and make the right choice. Your wife will be devastated even with the emotional affair you've been having.

[flipper0616]

At this point I don't know what to say....between all the advice here and by close friends, I don't know what to say...I do know what I should do and I'm trying. I told her the other day if I have to move out of the department to gain control I will - that's easier said than done of course but I am looking at all my options right now - even an over seas assignment !!

 

I've never been addicted to anything before like this....

[CallingAllAngels]

At this point I don't know what to say....between all the advice here and by close friends, I don't know what to say...I do know what I should do and I'm trying.

 

 

Flipper....

 

I have a little test for you that someone did for me once.

 

The only thing you will need is a pencil. So...grab on off your desk. Now...put it on the floor next to you. OK...now..."try" to pick it up off the floor. See what I'm gettin' at?

 

THAT was a real eye opener for me once, when I told someone "I'll try"...they actually got the pencil, put it on the floor, and said "ok..."try" to pick up the pencil."

 

Best to you bud...

 

~Allie

[dy0405]

Flipper, I really know what you are going through and the pain you are feeling.

 

Will this overseas assignment be for a long period or permanant? I think it would be best for you to take that or better yet find another job (something that will distant you two permanantly). As strong as your feelings for each other seems to be - I don't think moving to a different department will be enough (you yourself said that was easier said than done). It is not too late for you to stop this... you have not made physical contact. And believe me.... once you take it that far the guilt will eat you up inside.

 

I was fortunate enough that the guy I was emotionally involved with decided to leave. But it still made it so hard to get over my feelings for him. The initial withdrawal is very painful.... and you cannot truly get over your feelings with her still close by. The guilt of what I've done is KILLING ME inside. I will have to live with it for the rest of my life.

 

Consider this.... How good is your wife to you? How much do you love your kids? Has your wife ever done anything to deserve all of this? These were questions I should have asked myself. And I failed miserably to consider my husbands feelings and my kids.

 

You know I wish I had gotten all these advice when I was going through my trial..... and to know that there are complete strangers out there who are willing to give good sound advice freely.

 

I don't know how religious you are or not. But with lots of prayer.... God will provide a way out.

[radioheader]

flipper - did you ever get that book "not just friends" by shirley glass? it is so informative! i think it would help you see what is going on and why....it will also let you see that this is not some magical one-time "true love" and that it can happen to anyone who is vulnerable....BUT you can stop it IF you want....it will even tell you about what the OW is going thru too and what she needs to do to get over it as well....good luck!

[starlight]

any new developments Flipper??

[flipper0616]

any new developments Flipper??

 

Things are not getting any better...I don't know what to say at this point on this forum...I've been given great advice and just need to do it....

 

I'm a wreck inside trying to keep things in control...