married man attracted to married woman

[treefrogkate]

Have you talked with your wife yet? Has the other woman stopped contacting you? Have you cut all ties with her?

[flipper0616]

no, no, and no...

 

but there is nothing going on...I still have feelings for the OW but nothing is going to happen...

[treefrogkate]

*facepalm*

 

Ok. I give up.

[flipper0616]

nothing is happening...we're just friends...

[treefrogkate]

Flipper, you admit to still having feelings for the woman. No doubt she is still confiding her marriage woes to you, and I don't believe a second of it when she says she didn't have feelings for you.

 

I hope that you are not confiding in this woman about your marriage or problems with your wife. These are not things you should be talking about with a woman you're attracted to.

 

You haven't talked to your wife about whatever problems your marriage has that are driving you to seek affection and affirmation from a woman outside your marriage. You're just keeping the status quo instead of putting in the admittedly hard work to make your marriage stronger. You need to protect your marriage, and as far as I can see, you're not putting any effort in.

 

You've gotten some terrific advice from everyone on here, yet you've ignored it all and have decided to keep doing what you've been doing all along before you even asked up. And that is why I'm giving up.

 

I wish you all the best, I really do. I hope that you are able to be just friends with the woman from work. I hope that you don't hurt your wife any more than you already have (since you are obviously already hurting her if she's scared and suspiscious and crying). But I fear we'll see you back here in a couple of months with a panicky "I had an affair, what do I do?" post, and that would be sad given all of the advice you're ignoring.

[puppeteer]

lalalala hes not listening lalalalalalala

[Vals_Girl]

I think you're afraid of losing the OW, your wife, status/respect, & esteem. I gather that you haven't talked about this to your wife, sounds like you're scared of her or something. Perhaps you're also scared of dealing with the problem or just can't be bothered.

[flipper0616]

It's all out in the open now as of today....my wife is devastated and I've never seen her so hurt. It took me seeing everyone crying in our bedroom to realise what I have (maybe had). Now I know what I REALLY need to do. We will go to counciling to get over this if possible. The kids are terrified!! It's all my fault since I ignored everyone here. Nothing has happened but the attraction to this woman and the lunches behind my wifes back was enough for her to consider it cheating. She does not believe I had no physical contact with the other OW but that is that truth.

 

Allie are you still there? You were sooo right. When the kids started asking if I was still going to go to their soccer games, birthdays, and christmas, etc...was when I broked down and cried. I will spend the rest of my life making this up to my wife if she will let me....I don't deserve anything from my wife at this point and can only pray for forgiveness from her....

 

At this time, my best friend and wife took my wife and the kids to get her away for the night. I never realized how empty a 3100 sq feet house would be without the noise of the kids playing, arguing, whining, etc...

[JadedStar]

 

At this time, my best friend and wife took my wife and the kids to get her away for the night. I never realized how empty a 3100 sq feet house would be without the noise of the kids playing, arguing, whining, etc...

 

Good. This is serious self reflection time. The allure of this passion with the OM is being disturbed by REAL life. That is a GOOD thing. It is about time you finally are seeing the affects of what this can and did do on real people who are impacted by this and important to you.

 

Maybe this can help you move forward.

[Stari]

It took me seeing everyone crying in our bedroom to realise what I have (maybe had).

I think that's GUILT what you're feeling. But would you want someone to stay with you out of guilt?

 

I will spend the rest of my life making this up to my wife if she will let me....

More guilt.

Your logic here is that if you sacrifice your life (i.e. not getting your needs met) you can alleviate your guilt for causing pain to people you really care about. Remember that there are two partners in a relationship and both need to fill each other's needs.

 

We will go to counciling to get over this if possible.

I hope that means becoming aware of each other's needs. The old relationship didn't fill all your needs. You apologising without constructive changes in your relationship will bring you back to this point in a few years time.

 

The kids are terrified!!

The kids will get over it. Happy separated parents are better than unhappy cohabiting parents.

 

I never realized how empty a 3100 sq feet house would be without the noise of the kids playing, arguing, whining, etc...

The empty feeling is normal when the last kids are out of the nest and happens even when this is due to more joyful circumstances.

 

 

 

The danger of time is that right now your love tank is slightly filled by the other woman meeting you needs. If you cut contact with the OW, you'll be soon be running on empty (empty emotional tank) until your wife starts possibly meeting your needs.

 

The bottom line is: Are you both willing to meet each other's needs?

 

 

My opinion of course.

(the book The Five Love Languages talks about emotional needs)

[treefrogkate]

Flipper, I'm glad to hear that you've talked to your wife about this. I hope that she will go to counseling with you so that you can both work on your marriage. It's always best to be completely honest and transparent with your significant other, and it's because you waited so long to talk about it that it's so much more devastating to your wife.

 

Stari:

I think that's GUILT what you're feeling. But would you want someone to stay with you out of guilt?

 

The whole point of Flipper's post was that he was worried about his feelings for the other woman and wanted advice on how to stop anything from happening that would hurt his wife. He's not just staying with his wife out of guilt; he's been trying to figure out how to work it out with his wife from the very beginning.

 

I do agree that they both need to talk about this and come to terms with why it is that he needed to seek affirmation and attention from someone other than his wife. It's what I've been posting all along.

[CallingAllAngels]

Allie are you still there? You were sooo right. When the kids started asking if I was still going to go to their soccer games, birthdays, and christmas, etc...was when I broked down and cried. I will spend the rest of my life making this up to my wife if she will let me....I don't deserve anything from my wife at this point and can only pray for forgiveness from her....

 

Yes Flipper, I am still here, and, I am sorry for what you are going through.

 

As someone on the OUTSIDE looking IN, I could CLEARLY see what WOULD happened with you and your wife. I have been in your wife's shoes, seen things through her eyes...felt exactly what she is feeling now. The pain of betrayel and deception is unbearable. THAT is why my posts came accross a bit "harsh"...I was TRYING so hard to get you to see what you could not.

 

Interestingly enough, my husband also claims he did NOT "have sex" with the OW...they just "made out" and "fooled around"...like anything SHORT of "intercourse" is not cheating. IT IS CHEATING. My husband DID cheat on me, and he finally DID come to admit that much. See...it does NOT matter whether or not you actually "had intercouse"...that's not the point. It's not so much "the act" as it is the lies, deception, and betrayal.

 

My husband kept what he did from me for SEVEN YEARS. THAT is hard to swallow. After being separated for 6 months (yes...June 1st it will be 6 months since I left my house) I am FINALLY "ready" to go to marriage counceling and see if we can make this marriage work, or, if it's over.

 

Flipper...here's the silver lining I see for you...YOU told your wife RIGHT AWAY. YOU came clean from the beginning. Yes, what you did was wrong. But I don't think your marriage cannot "be fixed".

 

Your wife WILL be angry at you for a while...for how long, I do not know. She WILL lash out at you...she will say things she regretts...she will become someone she does not like for a while. Believe me...I did. So, just be ready for that.

 

But...she will eventually come to terms with it. How long it will take her, I do not know.

 

I believe you have a VERY VERY good shot at saving your marriage. I really do.

 

DON'T GIVE UP HOPE...

Keep the faith, and keep me posted, ok?

 

I wish you the best...

 

~Allie

[flipper0616]

It's been a few weeks since things blew up. Things are relatively well between my wife and I. We've been thru multiple counciling sessions individually and when we return from vacation we will do joint sessions. The last few weeks have been actually pretty good...I've never felt closer and more attracted to my wife. I told my wife everything in as much detail as I can remember. I even went as far as having read ALL my emails between me and the OW....It's a double edge sword but not knowing what was said is more painful for her. I feel like we're going to get through this and I'm feeling much better physically - getting more sleep and gaining weight back.

 

I'm leaving my department and moving to another department which will take me physically to a new location away from the OW...I don't really want to do this but for my wife I will...My wife doesn't think it's over as she thinks the OW will contact me again after vacation...I have had no contact after I broke things off and told her good bye. There is no way to communicate with the OW since I showed my wife how to check the verizon bill and filter the OW # in Excel...No texting and no phone calls....The only thing that bothers me is that I feel I don't have closure yet even though I said good bye and we can't talk anymore...?? I even had my wife talk to my friends that were trying to help me get out of this...My one friend said if he catches me talking to the OW he's calling my wife - I don't think he's kidding....

 

Currently my wife and kids are out of the country for a week w/out me until I catch up next week. The short break will do us both some good.

 

I feel very lucky to have a wife like I do and have her bounce back strongly. She even said she didn't realize how strong she could be even though the weekend this came out I thought it was over. She even went as far as telling the kids mommy and daddy are getting a divorce. The kids were devastated and cried...I never want to see that again.

 

Anyways more later.

[CallingAllAngels]

Flipper...

 

You have NO idea how much credit I give you...

 

I BELIEVE YOU WILL MAKE IT.

 

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.

 

Let your wife read my threads.

 

Let her read my latest...where my husband recently confessed last week that 7 years ago he actually DID have both oral and UNPROTECTED sex with the "OW" in a MOTEL ROOM! Yes! The same OW he claime he "just kissed...nothing more...no sex...nothing like that Allie...no no no"

 

What he confessed to me the NEXT day was even MORE DEVASTATING:

 

 

2 or 3 years ago (he doesn't "remember")...on TWO different occasions, he met 2 different woman via the Internet. He did not know either one of these women. He met them on Sex Web Sites. Made arrangements to meet them in person when I was out of town and had UNPROTECTED Oral and regular Sex with them both. In their car. Sorry....one woman had a van. Oh...both woman were also married, just looking for sex. Never saw them before...never saw them again. HE NEVER EVEN KNEW THEIR NAMES. NEVER SPOKE TO THEM AFTER. SEX WAS THE POINT. PERIOD.

 

So....for the past 2 or 3 years, I have been "sleeping" with every single man these 2 unknown woman have slept with, and he knew it all along. I am SICK over this.

 

I am meeting my divorce lawyer tomorrow.

 

I spent the last week getting testing for every STD under the sun. I cannot BELIEVE I came back NEGATIVE for them ALL, ESPEICALLY the big one...HIV...WOW!!!!!! I was negative when I left him in January, and, negative again in June...THANK GOD!

 

I have no idea who I have been married to for the last 12 years, and, shared the last 22 years with.

 

I hope things work out for you and your wife...you sound like a great guy Flipper.

 

I wish you all the best...

 

~Allie

[Robinson]

Nothing has happened but the attraction to this woman and the lunches behind my wifes back was enough for her to consider it cheating.

 

The point.

And that's the point in cheating or pseudo cheating.

I bet if you talk seriously about this issue in a year or two you'll probably hear your wife saying something like "I'd prefer you had sex with a woman feeling absolutely nothing about her than having nothing at all but feeling like you did for this one".

 

I don't know much but from what I've seen woman can sometimes accept loosing your "lower dumb head" to another female, but they cannot stand loosing your HEART to another, even if you don't even touch them.

 

Hope everything works out well for you.

For me, a 31yold I still have a lot to learn, but I'm going 6 years in my marriage now, some of my friends have already divorced, so checking out the stories of the more experienced here is a good help.

[flipper0616]

The point.

Hope everything works out well for you.

For me, a 31yold I still have a lot to learn, but I'm going 6 years in my marriage now, some of my friends have already divorced, so checking out the stories of the more experienced here is a good help.

 

 

Looks like you got married just about the same time I did. All I can say is that keep your communications channel open with your wife and be honest.

 

What amazes me is that the day after I told the OW that we can't talk anymore/be friends/whatever...she came and talked to me telling me how mad she was that I told my wife...What was I suppose to do? My wife knew I was hiding something and had me so I flat out confessed...She also gave me advice that you can't be brutally honest with your spouse all the time. I know she is not that way with her husband but I've always been honest with my wife until this OW...I know (atleast partly) why I was attracted away from from my marriage and my wife and I are working on it.

 

Keep reading this forum as you will learn alot....

[CallingAllAngels]

Robinson, no disrespect intended in ANY way, but, I can tell you, from PERSONAL experience, it matters not.

 

My husband did both...had an affair with a woman he worked with and was very much emotionally involved with. He also, on at least 2 occasions met 2 COMPLETE strangers off the internet...NEVER knew their names, and had both oral and unprotected sex with them in a bar parking lot.

 

Am I more upset by the woman he was emotionally involved with or the strangers he just banged in his car? No...I'm equally devastastated....by the COMPLETE deception.

 

I give flipper credit. He TOLD his wife...and he told her right away. My husband kept the affair with the OW he worked with from me for 7 years, and the strangers he met and had sex with for 2 years.

 

I am in the process of suing him for divorce, and also, have had to endure the pain of knowing this man cared SO LITTLE about my life that he had unprotected sex with woman than he did not even know their names with, and then, for TWO WHOLE YEARS had unprotected sex with me. I feel raped and violated.

 

All my tests came back negative....including the big one...HIV. I got lucky. Now, I just want to get away from this pig.

 

I can UNDERSTAND the affair with the woman from work. These meeting for sex woman? I cannot. And the fact that he knowingly lied to me (I asked him if he ever met anyone on the net because he was REALLY involved in porn and he always said no.) is more than I can wrap my brain around.

 

So....long story short...from my POV, it matters not. Hurts both ways. Devastating.

 

I give flipper a lot of credit, and, I hope things work out for him and his wife and children.

 

My best to you...

 

~Allie

[Aroof143]

i am also the victim of same type of a problem.

i love my wife very much, but still i dont know why i am loving a married women, who alos loves her husband too much.

 

she even told me that she will never marry me, even if she gets divorsed or something happened to her husband.

 

but she loves me too much, even i, she has a child and my wife is just 5 months pregnant.

 

our affair is just a month old, why am i doing all this things i dont know, first time in my life i am loving someone so darely.

 

thats why i have decided let anything happen, i wont give up, wont forget her.

[CallingAllAngels]

i am also the victim of same type of a problem.

i love my wife very much, but still i dont know why i am loving a married women, who alos loves her husband too much.

 

she even told me that she will never marry me, even if she gets divorsed or something happened to her husband.

 

but she loves me too much, even i, she has a child and my wife is just 5 months pregnant.

 

our affair is just a month old, why am i doing all this things i dont know, first time in my life i am loving someone so darely.

 

thats why i have decided let anything happen, i wont give up, wont forget her.

 

Don't you feel guilty when you lay down at night next to your pregnant wife?

[SimplySasha]

i am also the victim of same type of a problem.

i love my wife very much, but still i dont know why i am loving a married women, who alos loves her husband too much.

 

she even told me that she will never marry me, even if she gets divorsed or something happened to her husband.

 

but she loves me too much, even i, she has a child and my wife is just 5 months pregnant.

 

our affair is just a month old, why am i doing all this things i dont know, first time in my life i am loving someone so darely.

 

thats why i have decided let anything happen, i wont give up, wont forget her.

 

It looks like you have found someone that you love very much. You should take a little bit of time and think about both relationships. You and the other woman are both stuck in a hard place where you love two different people but won't make the choice to abandon your spouses. Maybe you two were meant to be each other's back up plan, I don't know. It is possible that your romance with this other woman will fizzle out and you may end up just friends later on down the road. Whatever happens, however things may finish, I wish you the best of luck.

[top bloke]

Callingall angels.Your a champion mate.You save that guys butt..big credit to you. I hope you are well. As a guy thats been happily married for 15 years I can honestly say that we all want to be wanted.We all want to have a better emotional relationship.Whats wrong with your wives? This is about growing and living together.

 

As a single bloke I have slept with dozens of women. After a near death experience I have new found love and respect for the world. Perhaps my insights can help ? Life is there to be enjoyed and shared.Marriage is supposed to be growing and supporting each other.Like the best of friends and lovers. Sometimes we need a friend to share our pain our thoughts. That is human nature. That is what we are here for ..to learn ..to grow. I know that life is to fast paced and can get confusing. It is easy to lose our way. A lovely confidant can be overwhelmingly alluring from the reality of life. The reality is..could you picture your wife with someone else? This is a reality check.

Recently I ahve had to work wuth a very sexy married lady with kids and yes

we talk but as much as I like her and we have chatted about personal things in family life these were of a nurturing nature. I am not stupid..she likes me but you know what ..I love my wife and there will never be another woman that can fill her shoes..ever. You have to make your relationship interesting. The wives act like victims and the husbands give in too easy..

Wives..treat your man nice.Hug him..kiss him..tell him that after 15 years of marriage that he is still sexy to you.

 

Guys half the people on this earth are women.Fertile sexy women..what are you going to do about it?? Nothing.Realise what you went through to find that special lady you married.That special lady who you gave your babies to.The lady who witnssed the birth with you and shared the growing of those children together..

 

I have made my decision...I can love respect my friend and make her feel it.But I can only passiontely ever devote my whole being and body to the woman who lights up my life when she walks in the room. She is the apple of my eye and no tight jeans,heaving bossom can ever replace the love of a good woman.

 

Get a grip guys...its only sex

[CallingAllAngels]

Top Bloke....

 

Thank you for giving me so much credit...much appreciated! If I helped in anyway, I am so glad.

[top bloke]

Top Bloke....

 

Thank you for giving me so much credit...much appreciated! If I helped in anyway, I am so glad.

You deserve the credit. You deserve peace,you deserve good things that wish for. You deserve a man that will appreciate you for all the woman that you are.

You have been a big help for those souls who have lost their way in the dark shades of grey in life. This thread and the posts are a guiding light. If it saves one family...its a blessed place that gives hope in somes peoples lives. I cant even really imagine what you went through..but i sincerely wish for you the best.

Have you helped me?? You have reinforced my faith in people and in a better day. You are a good person.

I hope that in your heart that my words uplift your spirits and maybe..even bring a smile to your face.

I feel as if we are kindred spirits...i am just passing through..got overwhelmed by this story and was compelled to post.

i dont know if i will post again? I want to help people..maybe i will come back? maybe..? Should i?

 

Cheers

Topbloke nsw australia

[CallingAllAngels]

You did bring a smile to my face. What a wonderful post to me.

 

Should you come back? Absolutlely. Please do. You have much to offer to ENA!

[top bloke]

oh shux ..hehe. You are welcome . I do try to help out in my real life travels.

At 37 years old 3 years ago I had a heart attack . I has 3 blockages repaired. I have a true newfound love for this world. I know that issuess like flippers can be fixed.

 

The key to fixing these issues is finding what you really need to feel peace in your heart...in your soul. If you have trouble with your emotions to your spouse then it is impossible to resolve them with another woman. The other woman is a form of escapism...a fantasy which draws us from fixing the real problems in our real relationships. I have seen men leave their wives for other women and then gone back! What they realise is the other woman is human just like their wives and whammo they stuffed up. A bit ironic I think. As i have mentioned earlier guys its natural to be attracted to lovely women and appreciate them but just remember that if you cross the lines picture your woman pumping some other man..take that..wake up...