How do you ask for what you can't ask for?

[TheFoglifter]

I'm curious whether anyone out there has a good technique, and/or good success asking for things that they know their partner doesn't want to give. I'm talking about relatively minor things here -- not like borrowing money or giving a kidney.

 

I'm sure we each have our sore subjects, whether its massages, foot-rubs, handjobs, cooking dinner, or whatever. I'm sure we also all have come to that resolution which is something like "I HATE when you ask me for that -- if I feel like doing it, I'll do it, otherwise, don't bug me!".

 

To me, this means that asking is pretty much a guaranteed "no". Of course the longer you wait, the more likely you believe that if you ask, you might get what you want. To ice it off, maybe 1/5 times, when you DO ask, you DO get it.

 

For this discussion, please work under the assumption that discussion of feelings has already been exhausted, and that it has come down to a case of "we have different desires, so deal with it". The issue (whatever it is) is not big enough to leave over, but (like a back rub) would be nice to get more of.

 

How do you all ask for something you want that your partner is sick of hearing?

 

Edit: Negotiation has worked, so long as the price isn't too high!

[facade]

Is it not possible that you could negotiate? I'm sure this has been tried, so this might be unusable, but my bf and I exchange these "little favors" that we may not otherwise enjoy. I.e. I give him a back massage and he might give me a foot massage or some other thing that I really like that I don't get often. It sure changes my attitude about giving, when I know I'm going to get in return, but I also don't mind giving, if there is not something coming in return.

[TheFoglifter]

That is one idea -- I edited my original post to include that because I have tried that in the past. Sometimes it works, but sometimes the price for what I want gets extremely steep. I keep telling my gf not to price herself out of the market because otherwise she'd be in a bad place.

 

Much as I hate reducing a relationship to a business transaction, sometimes it is necessary. Of course the fun is totally drained because (I feel) one must be pretty clear on the expectations. I'd be quite peeved if I spent an hour cleaning the kitchen, and my resulting back rub lasted 2 mins.

[DN]

It may seem a little formal or odd, but why not give each other 'coupons' for whatever it is that you want. So many a month or whatever. They can be redeemed at any time and each partner has to respond (within reason of course).

[CarnelianButterfly]

What is it you want?

[rpare001]

I tried to negotiate with my ex, and we would always come to agreements or compromises, only she would never hold up her end of the deal and I would end up just sacrificing more and more of what I wanted out of the relationship, and when I asked for more I was called selfish, possessive, etc.

 

After the "honeymoon" stage of our relationship she pretty much didn't want to have any kind of physical contact at all, or give any emotional affection, and the harder I tried to work for it the less I received, and when I told her I was leaving her because I didn't feel I was getting any of what I deserved she said I was just trying to bully her into giving me what I wanted.

 

Sorry, I'm just frustrated, I feel like I gave alot and never got anything in return, and now that its over I just feel empty inside.

[ghost69]

just start giving her stuff out of nowhere. it will work in return. just go down on her for 15 mins before you guys hit the town or something. she will be thrilled. when you are out she will be thinking about it the whole time.

[TheFoglifter]

... start giving her stuff out of nowhere. it will work in return. just go down on her for 15 mins before you guys hit the town or something. she will be thrilled. when you are out she will be thinking about it the whole time."

 

ahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahh

 

Put that back in, its not baked yet! Wait, my sides are splitting! I don't think you understand that not everyone thinks the way you think.

 

OK, in some seriousness. The "give her stuff out of nowhere" works the first few times, but in the long term it just rewards inactivity. It tells people that it is acceptable for them to give less because they will receive the same or more in return.

 

What do I want? A damn back rub once in a while. Very simple, small item, not life or death. I think I ought to just book a masseuse and tell her that if I'm going to pay someone to do something then I might as well hire a professional.

[b2761]

actually, by booking with a masseuse, you WOULD demonstrate you are capable of getting your needs met without having to beg, etc.

[ghost69]

this is true. make sure you tell her the masseuse is named inga and she is from sveden. and she so fine. she will be so jealous you will be rubbed in no time.

[ghost69]

i used to always get back rubs from my ex. i usually gave her one first. pop in a good movie so that you aren't so bored concentrating on giving one. it goes much faster and you have something to watch in the meantime.

[TheFoglifter]

I like movies.

[Daligal83]

Why doesn't she want to give you a backrub? Of all things that you could ask for, I'd say that's pretty easy to take care of.

[RayKay]

Positive reinforcement...I mean personally, if I know how happy something makes my boyfriend feel; or how much he LOVES it; be it foot massages, blowjobs or doing the dishes....I really actually enjoy doing it FOR him and it feels not like a "chore" but truly enjoyable to do. Which means it also becomes a case where often I do it spontaneously without him having to ask. When giving a backrub, hearing how much he loves when I hit certain spots, his gratitude for it, and even "rewards" after like some nookie...well, hey there are great benefits here for us both!

 

And, as long as you give as well as receive, it feels more equal and more like you are both "giving" and less like you are taken for granted, etc.

 

On the other hand, the more you are nagged about something or associate it with negative feelings the less you want too.

[ghost69]

i like raykay 100% more now.

[itsallgrand]

Is it about the backrub? Or could you get what you are looking for another way?

 

Brainstorm. What about getting soaped up in a tub or the shower?

Or having sunscreen lathed on you?

 

I guess I would try presenting it in different ways. Starting by showing my partner new pleasures and how nice it can feel, then seeing if they would be game for returning it.

 

And if they can see no fun in that, and keep bucking, I guess at some point I'd just drop it and set my sights on something bigger.

[treefrogkate]

Amen. I love doing things for my boyfriend because he is always so happy and grateful that I do it.

[melrich]

What do I want? A damn back rub once in a while.

 

Why doesn't she want to give you a backrub?

 

Anyway, I know what you mean. Everytime I ask my partner for something that puts her out she flies off the handle. If you find anything that works let me know.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I often won't want to do things for a boyfriend because i dont feel that he is giving me the things that i need-even though i've asked also.

 

Maybe there is an area that you are lacking and your gf needs you to meet some of her needs.

 

why not start the conversation with what she would like more of from you...and then you can begin to negotiate.

 

That's one way of looking it at.

 

Maybe she really DOESN'T want to do what you are asking...and since you haven't told us what it is that she is not doing for you .... its kinda hard to judge.

[TheFoglifter]

... really actually enjoy doing it FOR him and it feels not like a "chore" but truly enjoyable to do. Which means it also becomes a case where often I do it spontaneously without him having to ask."

 

How can I get to this point? People keep saying "give more" yet I feel as if I have done that, and all it got me was rewarding her inactivity. When I am lucky enough to get something like the backrub or blowjob, believe me I talk up how awesome it was and how much I liked it and how great it was.

 

itsallgrand, thanks for the idea, and I see what you are thinking -- how to accomplish what I want through other means --sunscreen on my back might do it.

 

... I love doing things for my boyfriend because he is always so happy and grateful that I do it."

 

I AM grateful when I get it, but I also feel a mix of "its about bloody time". I also feel frustrated cuz I know if she thinks I'm complaining then that'll be it. I guess it was my mistake for making it seem like "not enough" was "enough". Thats again why I believe that giving more when not getting only works a little bit -- then it just becomes rewarding inactivity.

[ghost69]

i think it depends on the person. but you should show how much you adore her. this should change it.

[TheFoglifter]

See, once again, you skim a few words and fire off an incomplete "thought" that only serves to increase your # of posts.

 

"Showing" how much you adore someone by rewarding inactivity exacerbates the problem, it does not remedy it. This is the same thing I said last time you made the same suggestion.

 

If my gf truly does not "feel" loved, then I quit. She is loved, cared for, listened to, cooked for, given gifts, told sweet nothings, complimented, adored, and yes (the most important thing for many chicks) gets material comforts well above what she could afford on her own (I make more than twice what she does).

 

I don't think a back rub or a blowjob is too much to ask for, but apparently it is, and that is probably all my fault.

[ghost69]

well fog, if you do all of those things i dunno man. sorry you are getting all of those hook ups. did she do them before?

[TheFoglifter]

Yes, she did. She does other nice things for me too -- I don't mean to paint her as an ogre.

 

You know how it is, though, when (as someone said in another post) "she's wonderful except for this small thing" becomes "this small thing is driving me crazy". I fully acknowledge that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

[ImThatGirl]

Let me know how it works out for you - how you decide to handle it!

 

I know requests aren't accepted by my bf.. If he wants to do something, he does it. If he doesn't want to, he doesn't. At least that's what I've gathered after making several suggestions.