How to tell if gf has a promiscuous past?

[EvaGina]

i have actually asked because i wanted to know the woman that i am with.

I dont want to know half the woman with half truths. It is pointless if it is full of halves.

I trust she is telling me the truth and she truth that i will handle it. I have dont stupid things in my past, and i mean STUPID but u dont regret it because that is what shaped me to what i am today. If she cant handle that and if i cant handle her past then we had better move on.

 

good for you, good answer... based on that, I trust you retract your baseless "Women are stigmatizing themselves because when and if the question is asked they refuse to give an honest answer" comment

 

thats all this really comes down to... I dont see how the OP can claim she is a liar if he is dishonest himself

[EvaGina]

Yeah..he should just get it over with. Then they both can move on...either together or apart. But another question...if he asks every woman he dates...how can he be SURE they aren't lying? Hmmm...you know how women are....

 

It's called TRUST. That is his problem, not ours and not has GF or future GF. Are yo putting a Stigma on yourself that you are a liar??

 

she was being sarcastic...

saying women ARENT like that but men seem to think they are (always exceptions, of course)

[amtjrtcet]

i have actually asked because i wanted to know the woman that i am with.

I dont want to know half the woman with half truths. It is pointless if it is full of halves.

I trust she is telling me the truth and she truth that i will handle it. I have dont stupid things in my past, and i mean STUPID but u dont regret it because that is what shaped me to what i am today. If she cant handle that and if i cant handle her past then we had better move on.

 

Okay, well personally, if I was her and whattheheck asked me "how many" I'd tell him "A lady doesn't tell" and leave it at that. So what if that's her answer, what's he gonna do?? Wonder, question, stress about it......its just better left alone. No good will come of it.

[fnlyfrei]

Sometimes you have to risk. Love isnt guaranteed.

sometimes to move from one stage to another requires a risk. if refusing to take the risk you refuse to move to the next stage.

Building a relationship is challenging, the challenging bit is trust and honesty, if it cant go past this then the relationship stops here.

 

Again, i say again, it is not about Winning and Losing. it is about TRUST and honesty

 

And he has already stated he doesn't even trust her answer even if she does answer...he said she will probably LIE. Why is that on HER?

[splashdown]

Trying to turn it around on women is blaming the victim (as though women are stigmatizing themselves).

Women are not victims in this so stop saying that women are 'victims', this is just BS. Women are stigmatizing themselves because when and if the question is asked they refuse to give an honest answer. This in itself is a stigma created that she carries within herself. Yes society has a part, but she has her part in it.

I have known women that would matter of fact say they slept with 30+ men and not blink an eye. They don't carry the stigma simply because they don;t play the victim. Get real, women are not 'victims'.

If you believe that women are victims then you allow yourself to be a victim.

 

Hehe. If women are afraid to give an honest answer that sort of points to an external stigma existing, eh? Why would they be afraid to answer honestly if no stigma existed? The double standard in many societies is a rather well-documented and well-known phenomenon. It's not like I'm just making something up here. Men who sleep around are considered virile and admired, and women who do the same are considered tainted. No, not everyone in society believes this way. But enough do that it can have a real effect on many women's lives.

 

Also, I did not mean 'victim' in the classic sense. I meant 'blaming the victim' metaphorically, as in an attempt to shift responsibility for the stigma from the accuser to the accused.

 

The fact that this thread exists is just one more data point that a stigma exists. If you can't agree that it does then we have little common ground to continue.

[amtjrtcet]

The fact that this thread exists is just one more data point that a stigma exists. If you can't agree that it does then we have little common ground to continue.

 

 

EXACTLY!!!

[EvaGina]

Okay, well personally, if I was her and whattheheck asked me "how many" I'd tell him "A lady doesn't tell" and leave it at that. So what if that's her answer, what's he gonna do?? Wonder, question, stress about it......its just better left alone. No good will come of it.

 

I dont know if I agree with that.

If someone you are planning on being with permermently asks something, you should answer, imo.

Its different if you are just messing around or somthing, but for a long-term partner, honesty

[TheFoglifter]

The rule in this situation is: be careful what you ask because you just might get an answer.

 

When you get that answer, how will you know if she is telling the truth? When you ask her if she is telling the truth, what do you expect to hear? How would you feel if she asked YOU -- would you lie? What if she doesn't believe you. Truth or lie, what if the answer you give scares her away?

 

See how each part of this issue gives way to an even worse part? I think there are some things that people are way better off NOT knowing. I'm sure you can derive some clues -- when you have sex, does she know every trick in the book? Does she take a "been there, done that" attitude towards sex and has no interest in trying anything new? What is it you really want to hear? Do you think she's like the girl in clerks who has sucked 37 * * * *s? Do you think that she has been saving herself for marriage?

 

Ask at your own peril.

[fnlyfrei]

Yeah..he should just get it over with. Then they both can move on...either together or apart. But another question...if he asks every woman he dates...how can he be SURE they aren't lying? Hmmm...you know how women are....

 

It's called TRUST. That is his problem, not ours and not has GF or future GF. Are yo putting a Stigma on yourself that you are a liar??

 

 

 

No, I believe he was saying that he did not trust her to tell the truth. It had nothing to do with me personally...and I meant he probably would not trust any womans answer.

 

Whats with your crazy amazement with "stigmas"? I believe you are getting personal here..and I do not appreciate it.

[EvaGina]

Whats with your crazy amazement with "stigmas"? I believe you are getting personal here..and I do not appreciate it.

 

-pst- I think its more a limited vocab and a difficulty understanding tone and intent through text... coupled with not really knowing his own point... I dont think he MEANS to sound like its personal I think a bit of leeway is needed here 1:

 

EDIT: Not meant to be insulting, a lot of people find communicating through the written word a trial

[trash mail]

I trust you retract your baseless "Women are stigmatizing themselves because when and if the question is asked they refuse to give an honest answer" comment

You know what, i won't retract it, just because my gf will give me an honest answer doesnt mean that the stigma doesn't exist. Again, the sentence " a woman never tells" says it all.

Yes, it is a generalization and we all know how this forum feels about generalization and the fact that everyone WANTS to feel they are independent and different from everyone else, but unfortunately for these people statisitc proves otherwise.

A prime example of women stigmatizing themselves is the fashion industry, so please please don't tell me that women dont stigmatize themselves, they do and this is only one aspect of it.

 

she was being sarcastic...

and i am as well

[EvaGina]

I trust you retract your baseless "Women are stigmatizing themselves because when and if the question is asked they refuse to give an honest answer" comment

You know what, i won't retract it, just because my gf will give me an honest answer doesnt mean that the stigma doesn't exist. Again, the sentence " a woman never tells" says it all.

Yes, it is a generalization and we all know how this forum feels about generalization and the fact that everyone WANTS to feel they are independent and different from everyone else, but unfortunately for these people statisitc proves otherwise.

A prime example of women stigmatizing themselves is the fashion industry, so please please don't tell me that women dont stigmatize themselves, they do and this is only one aspect of it.

 

she was being sarcastic...

and i am as well

 

YAY, becuase as we all know, pandering to "stigma" is a sure way of changing things!!!

 

I would like to see these statistics, thanks... seeing as only ONE woman (that I have seen) on this thread has said she wouldnt tell...

 

Perhaps you and the OP are so bitter becuase of how you have been treated in the past, but you could attribute that behaviour to YOUR additudes? Not the "stigma" applied to the women involved?

[trash mail]

The fact that this thread exists is just one more data point that a stigma exists. If you can't agree that it does then we have little common ground to continue.

 

I never said the stigma doesnt exist. What i am saying is that women are part of the equation as well. They are not the 'victim' of the equation they are part of the equation and the create the equation within themselves when they refuse to be truthful to themselves and their partners.

[fnlyfrei]

[ANd it's so ridiculous how a lot of you women out there always say how "the past is the past" and how it is not important.

 

I think those of you who do say it, are ASHAMED of your past, so it's easier to say that it isn't important.

 

I don't want to bring this up to her, and if I did, she would probably lie about the "number" anyway. But I really want to know if she has been around or not.

 

....insert trashmails comment about me stigmitizing myself as a liar...

 

So...if a female defends the right not to answer the question because....gee....he isn't going to believe you anyhow....and if you do answer honestly you WILL be judged.... it is assumed she has something to hide and she lies anyhow...

 

I guess the whole women being stigmatized is so very wrong...especially according to these guys.

[EvaGina]

I never said the stigma doesnt exist. What i am saying is that women are part of the equation as well. They are not the 'victim' of the equation they are part of the equation and the create the equation within themselves when they refuse to be truthful to themselves and their partners.

 

Who is refusing to be truthfull? Where do you get this from?

[TheFoglifter]

Omission is not necessarily motivated by shame. I bet some girls would be proud , but that would certainly make some guys uncomfortable.

[EvaGina]

Omission is not necessarily motivated by shame. I bet some girls would be proud , but that would certainly make some guys uncomfortable.

 

Its more an evasion of the truth to save unessecary hassle...

I woudlnt do it, but it makes perfect sense, and is understandable.

If a someone cheated on an ex in strange circumstances, and they know it wouldnt happen again, I dont see why the new partner needs to know...

 

again, if asked, I would tell, but private lives are called that for a reason

[splashdown]

I never said the stigma doesnt exist. What i am saying is that women are part of the equation as well. They are not the 'victim' of the equation they are part of the equation and the create the equation within themselves when they refuse to be truthful to themselves and their partners.

 

Jesus.

 

You're saying (if I understand correctly) that women stigmatize themselves by not answering honestly, yet you refuse to acknowledge that an external and independent stigmatization exists. I don't disagree that honesty is the best policy. It is in most cases. The part of your argument that troubles me is that you seem to be trying to shift the blame for the stigma from where it belongs (the accuser and societal disapproval) to where it doesn't (the accusee).

 

Once again, women who have had many partners are not stigmatizing themselves. They are the 'victims' (if you will) of an unfair stigmatization that is imposed on them by society.

 

(And I'd just like to say that I, personally, am in favor of all women sleeping around! )

[fnlyfrei]

Hmmm...and why don't some men admit that they experimented with other men in their younger years? I guess that would be a good question to ask in return. It happens more than admitted...but if everyone needs to be HONEST and TRUTHFUL....I think this would balance out the stigma scales quite a bit.

[sophie274]

Wow this topic has gone crazy!

 

Well, personally I would not want to date someone who had casual sex because I do not find it appropriate and would want to date someone who felt the same way. At my age, pretty much the only way you could have a high number of sex partners would be via casual sex, so ... I probably would not date someone with a high number. However for me it would be more about values and attitudes toward sex than a number - not sure I would ask about it.

 

OP: In your situation, I agree with the others that it is a bit strange that you are bringing this up now. I mean, if relative promiscuity is against your value system, then why didn't you bring this up before? And if you're just curious (which by the way I totally understand because I am SO curious), you might really want to think twice about what you might find out if you ask.

 

Is there a number above which you're going to dump? I disagree with the others that that would be "wrong" or "cruel" - we are all entitled to your own standards and if that is one of yours then so be it. I think your method would be inefficient though - if you know it's a dealbreaker, why ask after 8 months? Also, be aware that she could lie, and you would never know, and also that you run the very real risk of having to dump someone you love - are you sure you want to go there?

 

If you just want to know - I would advise holding your tongue. If you know you're the jealous type, you're now going to be thinking about all 10 or 15 or 20 or more guys she's been with. What if you find out that her number is much lower than yours, and she asks for yours? You could be opening a can of worms.

[treefrogkate]

Omission is not necessarily motivated by shame. I bet some girls would be proud , but that would certainly make some guys uncomfortable.

 

I tried resisting, but I needed to comment: "I'm 37?!?"

 

I am not ashamed about how many men I've slept with.

Would I be offended if my boyfriend asked me? No.

Would I be offended if my boyfriend behaved negatively when he heard the number? Yes. There's nothing you can do about your past, and I don't think there's anything wrong with the number of people I've slept with, especially since I'm a serial monogamist, and haven't ever had sex with someone that I wasn't interested in staying with.

Would I be offended if my boyfriend dumped me for how many people I slept with? Hell yes. If the relationship is good, why does it matter?

[splashdown]

Hmmm...and why don't some men admit that they experimented with other men in their younger years? I guess that would be a good question to ask in return. It happens more than admitted...but if everyone needs to be HONEST and TRUTHFUL....I think this would balance out the stigma scales quite a bit.

 

I think this is a fair point, and one I had overlooked. There is a stigma from many men (and some women, though all the ones I know seems to be into it) towards men who have experimented with alternate sexualities. And I think the number of men who have, either when they were pre-teens, teens or later, would be staggering. In fact, I daresay it'd be a majority.

[fnlyfrei]

Yes...but it isn't talked about because they wouldn't want to be judged. Much like most women wouldn't disclose their "numbers" and be judged.

And again...it's in the past...it's none of anyone's business...

 

I was just trying to give some of the men here a relative point of reference...perhaps a different perspective to how one-sided they are being.

[rebeccaapple]

"A prime example of women stigmatizing themselves is the fashion industry, so please please don't tell me that women dont stigmatize themselves, they do and this is only one aspect of it."

 

What on earth does this vague statement even mean? How do women stigmatize themselves in the fashion industry, and what has this got to do with this specific argument? This thread is maddening! You're saying, basically, that if a women acts coy about how many people she has slept with then she is playing up to the stereotype that she is ‘easy’. Why would a woman feel the need to lie about the amount of people she’s slept with in the first place if there was not already an existing stigma? The existence of a sexual stigma which has been placed upon women, by patriarchal society, cannot be denied! You only have to go back to the nineteenth century to see that the virgin/ * * * * * dichotomy pervaded nearly ever aspect of society. And yes, perhaps certain women do play up to the stereotype – but I don’t understand how you can say that the blame lies with them. Surely you can see that the problem is bigger than that – and in certain ways, beyond their control?

[valiantv]

I care because i just want to know. They say the past doesn't matter, but it does. I don't want to get really serious with a woman who has been with a lot of guys.

 

Man, listen to yourself! One minute you say you don't want to get serious with someone who has been with a lot of guys, and then you show you don't even know what "a lot" is!

 

I see no reason not to ask her if it's just curiosity, I mean it's like asking when they moved to this town or something, only more personal.. To say "It's none of your business" is wrong IMHO, at some stage in a relationship you should be at a comfortable enough point that you can discuss personal things with each other.

 

But what I just said does not apply to you! I'll tell you why. The reason you should feel comfortable with discussing things like this after a while together is that you should TRUST EACH OTHER by now! You obviously don't trust her and she would be right not to trust you! You aren't asking out of curiosity, or out of wanting to get closer to her, your asking in order to measure her!

 

If she answers truthfully it means she trusts you enough to tell you without risking you judging her. But you are about to betray that trust by doing exactly that.

 

But back to my initial point... And that is that you don't even know what you want her answer to be! What are you asking us for, the national average or something? I can only infer from this that you're not worried about the number of guys she's been with for yourself, you're worried what other people will think of her and by extension, you.

 

Let me just finish by saying, the more you want to know, the more important it is that you don't know!

 

You should have the following conversation:

 

You: "Whether it's true or not, can you just tell me that you've been with one guy before me and he wasn't as good as me?"

Her: "Yes, I've been with one guy and he wasn't as good as you."

You: "Thanks, that makes me feel better!"

 

And let that be the end of it.