What to do...

[schizo]

This is my very first post on here, after googling "relationship advice forums" and signing up...I really need some advice.

 

So...here's my story...my boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now. We've talked about getting married, and in September we moved in together to kind of "test the waters". I love this man more than I've loved anyone, and I'm really happy to be with him. But...there's a couple things that REALLY bother me about him...

 

Number one, I'm a vegetarian, and am very soft hearted and opinionated when it comes to my beliefs on how animals should be treated. My boyfriend, however, is an omnivore. He told me once that he wanted to change for me, and itwas one of the happiest days of my life. But then he started eating meat again, saying he couldn't do it; it just wasn't him.

This really bothers me a lot because I don't understand how someone that I think is so good can do something that I feel is so wrong...

 

The other thing is that he's a smoker. That bothers me for both selfish and selfless reasons. I don't want to cuddle with someone that smalls like smoke, I don't want to kiss someone that tastes like smoke. (I hope I don't offend anyone who smokes...I just don't like it) But more importantly, I don't want smoking to hurt or kill him. He's been smoking since he was thirteen, and will be twenty in May. For a long time now he's been promising to quit. Many times I've thought that he actually had, but then I find out that he's lying to me. And that's what REALLY hurts. He says he lies so he "won't hurt me", but he doesn't understand that him not being honest with me is what hurts the most.

 

I don't know what to do. I want to be able to accept him for who he is, because I love him, but these things bother me SO MUCH and I can't seem to ignore how I feel. I want to be able to stay with him but be happy with my relationship too.

 

Any advice you have to offer would be VERY VERY VERY much appreciated!

[Stu147]

Hi Schizo

 

It looks like you are trying to change the habits of a guy who really doesn't want to change. He clearly wants you to be happy, hence his assertions that he will change, but he hasn't followed through and I would say that's because his heart's not in it (the changes I mean, not the relationship).

 

I understand about your anger when he lies to you about stopping smoking, but it is nice in a way that he cares enough about your feelings to hide it from you. You could argue that if he cared enough then he would quit, but then he could argue that if you cared enough you would accept him for who he is. I don't think either of these arguments are particularly about how much you both care for each other though, they are about your own individual beliefs and unfortunately they don't seem to meet.

 

Your attempts to get him to stop smoking are hard to argue with. It's unhealthy, we all know that. I'm a smoker by the way. But some would say you knew he was a smoker when you met him, etc. I won't pursue that line of reasoning though, it's a little flimsy.

 

The vegetarianism thing is a slightly different issue. Eating meat is not unhealthy. It may be abhorent to you, but that is your life choice and not his. To try and turn him vegetarian is really forcing your beliefs on him. Where he has erred is by saying he could adopt your views when clearly he can't or doesn't want to.

 

It all comes down to you really. Do you accept the guy as he is, love him as he is, and accept that you will have to agree to disagree about some things? If you can't do that then there is no future with him, but also you really cut your prospective partner market down to a select group of non-smoking vegetarians.

 

I hope that you too can work this out and find a middle ground somehow. Take care and I wish you the best for the future...

[arwen]

Hey Schizo!

 

Welcome on ENA!

 

I think that him smoking and him eating meat are two indications that you may have lifestyles that are hard to combine. I know how your feelings are towards the eating of meat. I am exactly like that. But honestly, MOST people do eat meat and would really miss it in their meals if they wouldn't. I think you cannot force someone to NOT eat meat.

 

For smoking, you do have the right to live in a smoke-free house I think. That he should understand. You could suggest he only smokes outside, and that before he kisses you he takes a mint or brushes his teeth. But as superior says, you won't be able to make him quit. He has to want that himself.

 

Take care,

 

Arwen

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hmmm. Difficult. I don't think they are obstacles that you CAN'T get over, it depends on how much it matters to you.

 

Smoking - I'm an occasional smoker, but no one would ever know! I agree with Arwen, you can smoke outside on your own, use breath mints etc. So it doesn't impact on you. But people only quit for themselves, and they KNOW it's bad for them. I don't think there's much you can do about that apart from encouragement. Nagging doesn't work!

 

Re the meat eating thing. Tougher - my friend's husband gave up eating meat for her, mainly because of the cooking thing (so they could eat together). What really upsets you? Is it him eating meat in front of you, and you find it distasteful, or is it that he eats meat and it's the whole ethical thing?

 

Because if it's the practicalities, you can deal with that. If it's disapproval about his life choices, that's harder. It's very very hard to be in a relationship where you think your partner is looking down on you, and can be damaging. Maybe it's about respecting each other's choices, and not criticising either way?

 

Personally, I was very VERY idealistic when I was younger (green issues, vegetarianism, politics etc etc). I still am to some extent - but in other people, I have come to realise that I value other things as well: kindness, loyalty, integrity and so on. If my boyfriend could offer me these things, I would be prepared to compromise on the other issues. Just a thought - but it's up to you about what you can and cannot live with.

 

Good luck.

[TheFoglifter]

Eventually you can hope that he will quit smoking on his own. The cost of cigarettes are quite prohibitive, and the effect it has on one's physical condition, as well as the future health risks should eventually become enough of a reason to quit.

 

My Dad smoked since age 14, and he quit around age 42. It wasn't easy, but he did it.

 

You can of course speed up the process by denying him sex and kissing and cuddling if he's smoked recently. You have the right not to kiss an ashtray, and while this may cause him to do the right thing for the wrong reason, it is just as valid to say that it doesn't matter what color the cat is as long as it catches the mouse.

 

As far as the meat/no meat issue -- my gf is vegetarian and I love meat, and we've been able to make it work. Its a bit annoying at times that she'll get really really really pissy if I cook something that she doesn't like the smell of. She did agree that its no more fair for me to give up meat than it is for me to expect her to eat it again. The health arguments are invalid -- there are more nutrients (esp. iron) in a small steak than you'll EVER get from broccoli.

 

It becomes a question of how important this is to you. Is it worth losing whatever good qualities he has?

[ghost69]

eating meat and smoking are your only complaints on this guy? there are much worse problems in a relationship than that. you started dating him knowing this right? why all of the sudden does this bother you?

[Scout]

I want to be able to accept him for who he is, because I love him, but these things bother me SO MUCH and I can't seem to ignore how I feel. I want to be able to stay with him but be happy with my relationship too.

 

Hi, I understand your situation, although it's slightly reversed for me in one way. I'm a vegetarian, too, but - I was also a smoker. My boyfriend is an ominivore - and he is an ex-smoker.

 

Like you, I'm primairly a vegetarian for ethical reasons, although the health benefits are terrific if you eat the right foods. I just have a soft spot for animals, and always have. And there are so many problems with factory farming in addition to the sad treatment of animals, such as serious environmental damage. You could also better feed the world's hungry by using the countless acres currently feeding cattle for the growth of grain crops for human consumption instead.

 

Knowing all this, my boyfriend agrees vegetarianism has many merits and is actually in line with his philosophy and personal values. However, he has not been able to make a full transition. I would like him, too, but I also appreciate that he has cut back drastically since we got together. I cook for us every night, and if I say so myself, I dish up some pretty tasty meals - and he says he eats better now than he did in his bachelor days. So, when we're together, he's basically a vegetarian. When he's at work, I have no idea what he eats for lunch, and I don't usually ask. One thing I've considered is taking him to more films, social, and speaker events centered on vegetarianism to help educate him a bit more than I can do. He seems open to that, and it will be ways we can spend time together, too.

 

But I won't ever give him an ultimatum if it comes down to it. That's because I have reached that needed level of acceptance, and plus, I realize when you pressure people about something...it makes them resist. That's just the way it is.

 

And with that in mind, this is probably why he's never nagged at me to quit smoking. UNLIKE my mother, who nags about it to the point it made me want to smoke three cigarettes at once. I do NOT appreciate someone telling me what to do, as I'm an adult and can make my own decisions. They can give me information in a non-confrontational way, and I'm definitely open to that. But nagging, ultimatums, and - as one poster suggested you do - stooping to sexual blackmail to get someone to stop smoking? I say you'll just both be miserable at that point in the relationship, so why stay in it?

 

Long story short, you'll have to decide for yourself what your dealbreakers are. If you really can't accept certain things, it doesn't make you a bad person, it just means that living with those things will make you miserable, and your boyfriend, too, because you'll constantly be complaining about them. Again, what is the point of this kind of relationship...

[ghost69]

i think you are accepting him for who he is. eating meat and smoking doesn't mean he isn't a nice guy. his personality is the same right? it's just some things he does that you don't like. this is like the shell of a perfect egg has some discoloration on it, but the inside is so perfectly yummy.

[VeganBohemian]

I am a vegan and my boyfriend is an omnivore. He completely and utterly respects my decision and oftern eats vegan food. However, he probably won't change and I respect that. It is a two way street. If you want him to respect you, you have to respect him. I understand that ideology and philosophy can really come between people...so you have to decide whether or not he is worth it.

[schizo]

eating meat and smoking are your only complaints on this guy? there are much worse problems in a relationship than that. you started dating him knowing this right? why all of the sudden does this bother you?

 

Are you here to tell me how "insignificant" you think my problems are, or to give me advice? It doesn't matter that my problem could be worse, what matters is that it bothers me. True, I started dating him knowing that he did things that I don't agree with. But I didn't think it was fair to reject someone just because they're different than me, and I also was naive and didn't realize I would fall in love with him. It definantly would have made things easier if I had decided to only date vegetarians and non-smokers before I got together with him. But...it's too late now.

 

I don't want to try and make my boyfriend change, because that's not fair to him. It would be wonderful if he decided to change on his own...but I can't just expect that to happen. What I really want to know how to do is accept him for who he is, because I love him and want to stay with him.

 

I think he really does want to quit smoking, and not just for me. But he says that I'm not as helpful as he'd like me to be when he tries. Has anyone ever quit smoking or helped someone else quit? I could use some good advice on how to help him along the best I can. I think I could get used to eating meat...but I really worry about him when he smokes.

 

Thank you all for the advice given thus far.

[Aleadragonhawk]

I quit, and it was hard as hell. The only way I was able to do it was by having no access to cigarettes at all - I couldn't have gotten them, and if I'd been able to, I would have started up again.

[ghost69]

you say that it is too late now? you can't leave the relationship if needed?

[schizo]

you say that it is too late now? you can't leave the relationship if needed?

 

I mean it's too late for me to go back in time and decide to only date vegetarians and non-smokers. I could leave the relationship, but that's not what I want to do. I want to stay with him, but figure out how to get myself in a state of mind so that I'm not constantly bothered by his decisions.

 

Aleadragonhawk- What do you mean you had no access to them? Why not? If you don't mind me asking...how long did it take you to finally break the habit?

[caro33]

I realise this is going to sound simplistic and perhaps unsympathetic, but this is a reasonably easy situation to resolve, in theory at least.

 

I can't see how there are any other options but for:

 

1) He stays like he is and you get used to it and deal with it.

or

2) You find a compromise, like he quits smoking but you manage his meat eating together.

or

3) He quits smoking and becomes a vegetarian.

 

Now only you and he know what is the most viable of the three, but I guess I would assume (2) to be the most workable. But for that to work it involves you being very clear with him what you would like and how important this is to you. That him smoking actually influences your desire to be in this relationship. Maybe you say to him that you will help and support him through quitting, and that you know it won't be easy but he can do it. Investigate the options, like patches and hynotherapy perhaps. I know a range of smokers who are currently using a particular book to some good oucomes - I can try and find out the name if you like.

 

On the meat eating matter there needs to be a way to manage this. Maybe he tries some new recipes, or reduces the meat preparation that upsets you. Maybe there is less concerning meat to buy - like happy animal organic meat Maybe you try and change your perspective for him on some level. The others here have already suggested how they coped. Hey, maybe he can actually reduce his intake or stop altogether, but that might be a big call.

[blackjack_lover]

schizo,

Acceptance of your mate in a relationship is very important! If you can't accept them, you shouldn't even consider being married to him. You need to decide if you can live with him the rest of your life assuming he doesn't stop smoking or if he continues to eat meat.

Those must be his choices to do for himself, not something to do to for you. He needs to honest with you, and with himself, and not tell you he has, or will quit if he can't.

Trust me I've been there, being a non smoker who dated a smoker. I accepted that even though she said she would quit, she probably wouldn't. She didn't! We broke up, but not over that.

[schizo]

caro33-Yes, I would like to know the title and author of that book. Thanks

 

If anyone out there is having the same issues I am with someone close to you that smokes...I just figured out something that's helped me feel SO much better!

 

I think one of the reasons it's been so hard for me to deal with my boyfriend not being able to quit is because I didn't understand. I've never smoked. Sometimes, when he would go back to smoking, I would feel as if it was some how partially my fault, or that he didn't care about my feelings. But I've found some web sites that have given me some great info on what it's like to quit smoking...and WOW...I suddenly feel so much better. And I actually have hope that he really will be able to quit someday, if that's what he wants.

[ghost69]

i know a lot of great couples that only one of them smokes. the other person hates it, but they don't NOT love the other nonetheless.

[VeganBohemian]

A lot of times people undermine issues like this, but what they don't understand is that lifestyle choices such as vegetarianism or non-smoking represent a larger outlook on life. Many people could not even think of dating someone who does not value health and wellness. These ARE fundemental aspects of life that could come between people. People that do not value health knock others for not accepting a mate's choices. And many people who value health knock others for being with people who DO accept their mates choices.

 

I think that if health and vegetarianism are THAT important to you in that they reflect your entire outlook on life, than you and you bf should have a heart-to-heart about these issues and see what he thinks. I do not think you should break up over this, however I don't know just how important these things are to you.

 

Do they merely frustrate you or do they make you question your compatibility in the long run?

[ghost69]

i agree. if the stuff you need in an individual isn't met, you need to talk to them about it deeper. if nothing can be resolved, move on.

[schizo]

Do they merely frustrate you or do they make you question your compatibility in the long run?

 

Right now it just frustrates me. But I'm afraid that it may make our relationship harder later. Like what if we have kids? I'll let them make their own decisions, but we've agreed that I can raise our kids to be vegetarians. And what happens when I tell them why it's good to be a vegetarian, and they ask me why daddy eats meat?

 

All this advice has helped me figure this out so much though. I'm going to have a good long talk with my man about how I'm feeling, and hopefully we can reach a happy medium.

[caro33]

caro33-Yes, I would like to know the title and author of that book. Thanks

 

Just found out: "Easy way to stop smoking" by Alan Carrs. It seems to be working on some hard core smoker friends of my husband's. Proof is in the longer term of course (ie do they take it up again) but signs are positive so far.

[Aleadragonhawk]

A little late to get back to you, Schizo, but by no access to them, I meant that I honestly couldn't have gotten cigarettes if I'd wanted to. It took about three months of nothing before I no longer wanted them.

[ghost69]

you are talking about raising kids too? geez, you are only 18. there are more issues here than ciggies.

[schizo]

you are talking about raising kids too? geez, you are only 18. there are more issues here than ciggies.

 

Well not any time soon. I'm just giving an example of how this could could cause problems in the future, if there's going to be a future.

[ghost69]

talking about stuff like this so soon. might not be a future with this guy.