blackjack_lover

Tom, I usually vote for staying together, working things out, talking.... but dude, this is just wrong. If it was me, I'd say to her "ok, I'll take the ring I gave you back and get you a better one" Then once you get your ring back, keep it, or return it to the store, don't give it back to her. She doesn't deserve it or want it! Sorry but that's how I feel about those actions.

Savoie, Thanks for your input! Yes, she is a good person. That's why I fell in love with her in the first place, dispite her smoking. She told me she had a Hysterectomy years ago, and has a presciption for a patch that she should change twice a week, but I don't know what it is. Since I didn't believe that any of the times she broke up with me were "dealbreakers" I suspected her mood swings as a possibile contributing factor. I've talked to another friend of mine, who has a medical background, that told me it was likely also. So everyone; If either of these scenarios is correct, does that change anyone's advice???? though I don't know the cause of this issue, I know the effect, my pain. I know if I try to get her back, I'll probably suceed, since that's her history, even with past boyfriends. Do I still want her, want to talk to her, have her..... yes What can I say? I hope I have the strength to keep refraining from contacting her.

JBG35, Many relationships have a rollercoaster feeling to them with the highs and lows. Your ride seems, to me anyway, to be more down than up. You can choose to get off and try the next ride... Maybe you won't like it as much as this one, but you won't know that till you try. I'd suggest you try to get her some help. If she doesn't want it, or agree that she needs it, take a break for a short while. It probably won't change the situation any, but a break will allow you to see things more clearly! Good luck

Friscodj, Thanks for your words of wisdom, my friend. Yes, she is a flake, I recognize that now. And I do agree, after reflecting on your words, that I need to, and can accept a draw against my "ghost", and not let it get me down that it wasn't a complete victory. It may have sounded to you like I was beating a dead horse here. Not so! I do know many of the things you just said, though I admit they may have slipped to the back of my mind for a short while. They are back where they should be now. Yes, relationships require two people to be truly into it for it to work. I know I can't make her want it, or change her mind if she's already mentally checked out. You confirmed my feelings that it's time to move on and not let her get me down again, Thanks!

schizo, Acceptance of your mate in a relationship is very important! If you can't accept them, you shouldn't even consider being married to him. You need to decide if you can live with him the rest of your life assuming he doesn't stop smoking or if he continues to eat meat. Those must be his choices to do for himself, not something to do to for you. He needs to honest with you, and with himself, and not tell you he has, or will quit if he can't. Trust me I've been there, being a non smoker who dated a smoker. I accepted that even though she said she would quit, she probably wouldn't. She didn't! We broke up, but not over that.

Friscodj, First, my name is Jack, and blackjack was a nickname an ex boss gave me, and I added lover since this site is about love. Your comment about breaking up over a misunderstanding was correct. I didn't go into details earlier for brevity sake. I went out to dinner with her, her female friend, and another couple. She invited me, and said at least once before dinner that she should pay because she invited me, and it was her friends. When the bill came she started to take out her wallet, and everyone else did too, so everyone payed their own way. On the way home she got more and more upset, and by the time we got to her place she handed me the key to my place and asked for hers back. She called me cheap. It seems her mother (whom she has real issues with) is wealthy but doesn't pay her part, etc... So this time, our breakup was because of her issues with her mother more than issues with me. Do you see this differently now that you know more? I agree with you about our relationship being in trouble due to deeper issues in her past that she hasn't resolved, and that maybe nothing I can do at this point will change anything. I'm curious though about your situation, and can see a parallel. I know I put a lot of stock into my relationships, and pride in my ability to make them work. It's like, I'm a failure, in my eyes anyway, if it doesn't work out. Sound familiar to you? Thanks for your input. Jack Ghost, That does seem to be her modus operandi, as that is how she was in past relationships too, per her brother! So, it seems you are right. You also hit the nail on the head about how she can't completely decide, one way or the other, if she wants or doesn't want a relationship. Guys, this time it's the woman who won't commit. I thought you guys would suggest I move on, and I think I'm about ready. My heart is tired of being tugged this way and that, but I'm sure you both know that sometimes the good make us forget the bad. If it hadn't taken me so long to find her, someone, heck anyone to love me, I might have said goodbye to her a long time ago. Thanks

I don't know what to do at this point. I've been dating my GF for 1 year. I met her after a LONG dry spell for me relationship-wise. It had been about five years between my last relationship and when I started to date her. We are both in our early fifties, and own our own homes, and both have had our share of past relationships. Anyway, for the most part it's been a good year, I love her, and things seemed to be headed in the right direction, us buying a house together. Then one day out of the blue, to me anyway, she breaks up with me over something that was basically a misunderstanding. I waited a few days, called her or emailed her, and we patch things up and get back together. The next time,... we go to Lake Tahoe for my son's wedding. The first night there was a dinner reception. My GF's a smoker and is on the shy side. She had never met most of my family, so she was brave, but uneasy. I'm busy saying hi and talking to my family. We got separated, and I wasn't there to introduce her to everyone. She seemed to be fine and have fun. The next day, she spends what I thought was too much time gambling. It's not my thing, plus I'm not a smoker, and the smoking in the casinos bother me, so I was anxious to leave and enjoy the rest of the lake's attractions in the morning before my son's wedding. That eveining, on the way to the wedding, we get into it a little about the gambling. Then half way through the reception she gets really upset about something and is ready to take a bus home. After this weekend she breaks up again, and again I talk to her after a few days of calming down time and we get back together. The third time she broke up with me was right after Christmas. Christmas eve we went over to my daughter's house for dinner and present exchange. It was a nice day, during which my GF said she was ready to buy a house together. I was happy. Christmas day we head over to her brother's house to be with her family. She was uneasy because her mother was going to be there, and tensions were running very high over issues that happened months before and they had not talked since. Anyway, we ate dinner, then they all wanted to play cards. I'm not into cards, and had a hell of a sinus headache, so I layed down. She, and everyone else seemed fine with that. Later we open presents, me popping my sinus pills the whole time trying to get rid of my headache. On the drive home I could tell she was upset, so I tried to talk to her without much luck. We went back to her house. After her adult son packed up his stuff and went home, she blasted me with both barrels about how I didn't smile around her family, didn't join in their games, or help out after dinner(which I did do). Anyway, I go home with her practically throwing all the gifts I gave her in my face saying once again it's over. I emailed her brother saying I'm sorry if I seemed to be unsocial. He said he hadn't noticed I was out of it. In response to asking about my GF, he told me she had a history of breaking up with guys to get back together in a few weeks. Once again we get back together till just after Valentines day, when she dumps me again. Now, I do love her, but am getting tired of this trend. A few notes to keep in mind. 1. She's on hormone replacement patches, so if she misses one, she gets moody, like PMS. 2. Things are great the rest of the time, and I can find only minor flaws with her other than her smoking, but she has resolved to quit. So, what should I do? I'm open to getting back together if we both got counceling, her for her commitment issues, me to learn how to communicate better. What do you guys think??? Thanks!

Hi Aztec, If you aren't getting the feeling she's that interested in you (although she used to be) or that she really wants to be with you, take heed. Add to that the fact that even if she was really interested in you, she has little or no time to see you, you might want to think about finding someone who does want to be with you and shows it by being available. It sounds like you need your GF to spend more time with you than she will.

Bigbilly It's not a bad book, but you are a guy trying to figure out women, right? So why not read a book written by a woman to help a guy figure out women? Check out "what women want men to know" by Beverly Deangeles SP? It's a good read, informative and enlightening. A note though, some of the chapters seem to be written toward women, and in fact it is a good read for your woman too ;-)

QUOTE=nsbguy32169]We're gonna try some KY jelly or that new Elexa stuff the next time. It's been like this for a while. I'm a big fan of foreplay so we usually fool around for a few minutes, but even after I gave her a handjob and she used her vibrator she was still dry. It's been hard for her to enjoy sex for a while now, but she would usually take the pain so I could enjoy it, but now it's too much. Could it really be some medical condition. She never had this problem up until a few months ago so I'm just confused Try the lube, even different types to rule out alergies. Try and talk her out of using the vibrator, it numbs the senses, makes it harder for you to make her cum, and is probably why she doesn't enjoy sex now, her parts are numb! Does oral do it for her, or hurt her too? If that bothers her, a trip to the doctor is in order.

Hi All, OK I've posted here before about my situation and here is the link Since the last posting we've gone out/got together several times. Every time we get together I'm fun and talkative. She seems to have a good time! She's not going overboard, but has invited me to do things with her several times. Then sometimes she'll go days without replying to emails, or calling me, or answering when I call. The last time this happened, I thought she was through with us, so I emailed her saying that maybe I should come over to her house pick up my stuff. She said that she was sick, her son was in the hospital, and I could pick up my stuff. The night I dropped in to pick up my stuff, she was very friendly, we talked, had fun and ended up in bed. Afterwards, while holding her, I said I didn't know what to think, or feel. She said she's confused too and said something like "I enjoy seeing you. I think this is weird, I have not experienced this before. I just try not to think about things too much! It screws up most things to over think" So I guess this means she doesn't know what she wants. Since I thought we are, or could be through, I started thinking about the woman I met for a few dates before I met my girlfriend. They are totally different. The other woman seems to be the kind of woman that would make me feel really loved, and would do whatever to make me happy, but otherwise we don't share things like, I like to be really active, hike, bike, ski, etc... My GF shares my likes of being active, is fun, but not into making me feel like I'm number one. I don't know which is more important to me. I want both of these traits rolled into one woman, that I haven't met. Oh, she told me today her son told her he was moving out. I know she's kinda happy about that, and I am too. Maybe things will go back to the way they were before between us. Maybe not, I noticed her profile was back online at Match.com. So I'm happy, and sad, hopeful and scared. I still don't know what to think, or if I should just move on, but I don't want to... Any thoughts, insights, advice? Thanks

Get away from Josh, as far as possible, before it's too late! Sam might be good for you, but there are others too that might be better, so don't settle down too soon.

hey lonelyguy, I think that feelings are normal, and no matter how you feel, you aren't an AH. You should not deny how you really feel to her and especially to yourself. Feeling just are, and sometimes they can't be explained. As for getting sick thinking about her kissing someone before she met you. get over it. These days that's pretty tame. I'd worry if she kissed someone else now. That would be a good reason to get sick ;-) I think it's best to be honest with her and yourself, and in the long run, better to discuss things when they come up rather than letting them really bug you and then doing something! If you can accept (you don't need to approve of it) her past, and she yours, then I think it's worth it to continue seeing her.

Hi melrich, I hope you guys are wrong, but i'm going to try. It won't be a night to day change, just a little, and only with her. Yes it would be draining to try this with everyone and I'm not sure that would be worth it. We've been together for five months now, so I don't agree that we are not compatable. I don't think in any relationship that the other person is 100% what we want or like. Would you agree? To me, we need to accept some flaws in our mates. If it's one you can't ignore, then yes move on to someone else, but if it's just not ideal, then consider the big picture. I'm not taking on more than most people whe attend the toastmaster seminars, where they help you feel comfortable talking in front of large groups. If they can change, why not me?

Sounds like a "thank you for a nice day, and for the nice present" kiss, Not a "I've been thinking and maybe changed my mind" kiss

Hey, you all have good points! FReedom is right about not being a victim and not reading a book about fixing relationships---we need to go through the steps, one by one before we can heal and crying and whining is one of those steps just like deciding not to do it any more! Diggitydogg is right that we won't heal as long as we decide to be vicims. Teacup is right in that that we need to vent and spill our pain before we can move on to the next step in healing!

Sonjam, The trait I'd like to improve on or change is how quiet and communicative I am. As a woman, maybe you can tell me what kind of things I should be saying to her. I don't mean romantic things, I know what to talk about then, but when driving somewhere, or having dinner or a drink, while sitting and relaxing... She didn't say it in so many words but it sounds like she needs more energy and interaction with me. As for how to do it, I'll prepare some things to talk about, maybe make some notes, try to think of funny stories just be prepared with things to talk about. I also need to work on my sense of humor, but don't have an idea of how to improve that, .... shy of several drinks, but that has other side effects ;-)

I agree with you Diggydogg and I have backed off some. We've went out once since and I did my best to be upbeat, talkative and fun. Otherwise I haven't emailed or called her unles she did first. When we got together, I didn't talk about our problem, though I really need to know where we stand. I guess like you said she gave me her answer, but it didn't sound difinitive or final. ZM, I agree with you too, I'll back off and give her time.

Hi Sonjam I'm not sure I areee with you that people can't change themselves, especially if it's something you want to do. I don't enjoy being quiet, would rather enjoy talking to people and fit in at parties etc... I do agree that we shouldn't try to change ourselves to be with someone, but like I said I'm not happy being how I am. I may not be able to change, but I can try. Yes it might be hard, but if you do somthing often enough it becomes habit, and done longer, part of you and your personality.

Hi and thanks in advance for your advice Some background, I'm 51YO guy and have been married and divorced a few times. My last divorce was about 5 years ago, and I have been looking all this time for the right woman. I found someone about 4 months ago that really makes me happy, and I her. She's 45YO and we enjoy many things together. She's got her own house, I have mine, she has a 19 YO son with problems, my kids are older and on their own. Things seemed to be going real good. We got together a few times a week for dinner, movies, drinks, sleep overs, weekend getaways, etc... She seemed very happy and in love, and expressed it often. I started to think we'd be good together long term and played with the idea of marriage in my head until I got laid off from my job. No big deal, I can consult and make good money, but there's no security, so I can't talk to her about our future, yet. She keeps very busy with work, working out, riding her bicycle, maintaining her house and dealing with her son and his "daily soap opera" problems. As a note, she had been living by herself alone for a long time, and her son just moved back home with her about a month ago. A few weeks ago I noticed that we didn't seem to have the connection, she doesn't say I love you, and we don't get together as often as we had in the past. I sent her an e-card saying so and saying I missed the way things were. She replied, saying yes, things had changed. She said she was having issues with spending a lot of time with someone, and I quote "but I don't seem to get the expression, conversation and the energy level that keeps me fulfilled". OK, I think about that for a while, (mostly with many tears) and agree she's probably right. She's a type "A" personality and I'm laid back and quiet. I think... I don't want to lose her, and I'm tired of being shy and quiet anyway, so I tell her in aonther e-card I want to change and will be better at being expressive, and I'll give her space when she needs it. I'm thinking to myself she's reacting to her son living at home, not our spending too much time together. (any thoughts by you guys on this???) We agree to meet to talk the night before she goes away for a long weekend alone by herself. (before we went there together) Well something happened with her son, she cancels and goes away. The Tuesday after that weekend she invites me to meet her at a new mexican food place for drinks. We have a nice time without talking about the issues, and end up in her bed like nothing has happened. I don't know if we're breaking up, ( she never said we should ) or if all my worry is in my head. I know we need to talk, but time together is better spent showing her I can be more expressive and fun, isn't it? I know that "our problems" should not be enough to break up over, but I'm only half the equasion. Am I reading too much into what she wrote? Should I pretend all is fine when we do get together? I know She's not perfect, I don't expect her to be, I just want her to want to work on "us" instead of falling back on her standby of being alone. I miss the way things were! Thanks for listening!