Horribly. Abusive father

[Aneurysm]

Hello, here hoping to get some help.

 

Please read it for her and I. I know its a lot but its very hard for me to write as well.

 

I have been dealing with this problem for well over two years. I am an eighteen year old male and currently dating a 17 year old female for my own sake we will call her Sue.

 

In this case i am not the abused, she is. I have known Sue for well over 6 years and dated her for over two. The only problem in our relationship is her father. Sue and I very very rarely have problems due to the fact that i am for the most part her only means of emotional support, and no disagreement is large enough to make us angry at one another. Mostly because of what she goes through at home. Her father is an ex-marine and is the most horribly wrong and abusive person that I have ever met in my life.

Let me start by saying that I have spent every single day for the past two years with Sue. This is because she never wants to be home alone with him. She is always with my family or with me at her house because of her fear of her own father.

 

Details on the father. - He is an ex-marine and is very disturbed. He drinks one of the very large bottles of vodka (the ones that are larger than a gallon of milk) a week, sometimes faster. I have never seen him sober and never seen him smile. He also smokes a lot of pot is his own home even when i am there. He has no emotions and yells, threatens, and intimidates with the same expression on his face. A crying wife or children (Sue has a sister 19, and a brother 24{lives at home just got out of college that he worked himself through},all living at home.) He never says a word to his wife and never talks to his children unless he is threatening them or yelling at them. He no longer hits the family because his wife threatens to call the police. My girlfriend has a large scar on her lip from being thrown into a heater as a very young child.

 

Ill give you some details of the regular day to day things Sue goes through for the few hours when I am not with her. Ill start with the most recent. Tonight her mother called her to warn her that her father was more drunk then usual and was waiting for her so he could yell at her. She rushed home scared out of her mind. He was waiting outside in to 25*f weather with no shoes and no shirt just so he could attack her verbally the second he heard the car coming. She was screamed at the entire way up the stairs for no reason and every time she would even open her mouth to breath he would get nose to nose and scream "shut the F up" all while Sue is crying. She then gets a towel and gets in the shower. The second she does this he runs to the basement and turns off the cold water (Sue called me 10 minutes later, she has bubbles/blisters all over her body from the second she was burnt under the hot water, some have popped and are bleeding.) She is at this moment sitting on the bathroom floor in a towel crying because he is waiting in the hall to scream at her again the second she comes out.

 

Sue also gets sick very often. She will be 100% all day but the seconds we enter her house with her father she will become white as a ghost and most of the time run to the bathroom and puke. She has asthma from him smoking since her birth, she will get asthma attacks sitting in the same room as him. He will not let her leave and will not even put out his cigarette when she can barely breathe. He just ignores her. He smokes pot in the basement daily and the constant fumes coming out of the vents into her room makes her sick as well. No one can confront him because he is a very large man. six feet 300 pounds and very strong. His wife never does a thing because she is helpless. She cannot divorce because he makes the money and she cannot stop him because he will abuse her. The older sister simply never comes home and does nothing to help out Sue. The brother is the same. Sue receives all of the fathers anger.

When Sue was sick a week ago she was puking in the bathroom. He came up because dinner was cooked and she did not jump when told. She was in the middle of puking when he came in screaming that he will not be F*n ignored, all while she is still puking. He was very drunk and when I politely said Mr. --- she is sick, in the middle of puking he pointed at me and said shut the F up or i will remove you from my house.

 

I'm going to stop writing soon i promise.

 

She cries in my arms daily, pukes whenever she is home with or without me, and shakes when he gets mad or whenever he walks near her. I have talked to everyone in the family about it and no one will do anything. they are all too scared. She is so mixed up that she has trouble dealing with my own family because they are not like hers. She acts scared around my father who is one of the most loving fathers I have even known. I don't know what to do. If i call the police on him i know nothing will happen I don't know where to turn. He gets worse with time and i think he very close to the point of hitting again. There is so much more I can say after the years of watching but I have already depressed myself enough.

 

Please Help,

 

In need

[Scout]

In all this time, no one - not one single person - has ever called the police on this man? Not a family member, a friend, a neighbor - no one?

[mgirl]

Can't you and her get a house together?

[gfein347]

I don't think the two of them getting a house together is an option, since he is 18 and she is 17.

 

I was also wondering about Scout's question. Couldn't Sue's older sister call the police, since she's never home?

[fnlyfrei]

Perhaps she could become emancipated and your parents could take her in. Child protective services could be called...but then she might end up in foster care. She should record his rantings for the police. It is psychological abuse..mental abuse, emotional abuse...just because he isn't hitting doesn't mean he isn't hurting her. The effects of this lasts for years...she needs to get out now. Perhaps your family could help her.

[Steelergal]

My recommendation is to find the phone number for the local women's shelter and contact them for advice. They are trained to deal with these types of situations and can talk to your girlfriend (or you) and advise her on the safest way to deal with her situation.

 

She is lucky to have such a caring and concerned boyfriend like you in her corner. I think it is very important that she seek help immediately as there is so much damage being done to her that she is not even aware of...and there is a good chance that it could become physical.

 

Good luck...

[Locke2121]

Take her away man....you can't leave her there. 17 is considered a legal age for seperation in most states. Plus when the situation is explain to DHS, I think they will have no problems getting an OP..thats Order of Protection, taken out against the father. Do it now dude...even if she's left sleeping on your couch, its a 100% improvment.

[Aneurysm]

Thank you all for your help, ill answer from the top. No one has even contacted the police. We have all mentioned it but the mother tells us absolutely not to because it will only make their lives even worse. She told me just today that she thinks he gets satisfaction out of everyone else's pain.

 

I wish we could get a house, but it really would not be possible. I have spoken to my own parents who just can't understand what I am telling them because they cant believe that there are people like Sue's father.

 

The older sister has become some cold and calloused from the abuse that she does not care what happens to anyone else in the family so long as she is left alone.

 

The emancipation is a very good idea. When I moved a few miles up the road i switched school districts at the end of my junior year. To still graduate from the same high school my parents emancipated me so that I could legally sleep wherever I wanted, and still attend the same school. I slept at home every night just the same, but technically I was an independent, very possible idea.

[Aneurysm]

See above post first .

 

The womens shelter is also a good suggestion but Sue is very hesitant to let anyone know about the abuse. She becomes almost scared is people talk about it. I know that I cannot let this stop me from doing the right thing though, it will benefit her in the end.

 

Great news though. I'm heading off to college this coming sept. Sue has applied to and been accepted to the same school. She is waiting on approval of financial aid and looking into loans for school. She had no intentions of college until I mentioned that she would be free from her father for a least four years. This alone has given her some hope but I still need to do something about the next six months.

 

It seems like with time the same abuse does more and more damage. Something that in the beginning would make her only angry now causes her to lie on the floor crying for hours. That and the threat of physical abuse have made me search for help. Her mother has already told me that when sue (the youngest) goes to college she may immediately divorce the father and live on her own. She can support herself without him. Things are not looking so bad but I still cannot let her be damaged for the next six months.

 

People her age should not live the way she is forced to.

 

Still tonight she went through the same cycle and is hiding in her own bedroom with the lights out so her drunk father can't find her. The worst part is he does not remember anything that he does when drunk, and will act like he is owed an apology the next day. When anyone tries to explain that he has a problem he goes absolutely crazy and will not let them say word. His is so intimidating that everyone instantly does as he says in fear. I wish I could really explain just how horrible a human being he is. His own wife and children tell me that if he just never came home one day they would be happy.

[mintblossom]

good observations.....i think the same abuse over time does do more and more damage.

 

no one at any age should live the way your gf has to.

 

i think abusive people do get pleasure and satisfaction out of hurting others. they are usually so crippled and insecure and miserable inside that they get joy out of causing others to feel the same way.

[Aneurysm]

good observations.....i think the same abuse over time does do more and more damage.

 

no one at any age should live the way your gf has to.

 

i think abusive people do get pleasure and satisfaction out of hurting others. they are usually so crippled and insecure and miserable inside that they get joy out of causing others to feel the same way.

 

I absolutely agree with you. Now I just need to quickly decide what I can do to save her.

[Crossover]

They can install hidden video cameras inside, and go straight to the hospital and report him to the police when he hits them. With all that evidence it won't make it worse, it will put him in jail and they can get restraining orders

[evidica]

... ex-marine ... ex-marine

 

for the record, it's former marine, not ex-marine. Once a marine, always a marine, semper fidelis.

[Aurian]

Video cameras are expensive and hard to do on the sly, but there are witnesses. She can take pictures of her injuries. You can leave a recording device on. Get proof, take it to the police.

 

Woman`s shelter is a good idea - they might know ways to deal with things. It is horrible enough to have an abusive mate, but an abusive parent is harder to get away from because you are dependant on them - you aren`t legally allowed to leave.

 

I am horrified nobody does anything to help. His behaviour must have been noticed by neighbours if he is screaming at his child in broad daylight.