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Steelergal

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  1. Hi again everyone- Just needing to vent again and get this off of my chest. Some of you may know my story and what I've been going through. I'm not going to reiterate everything here...just want to write about the latest in the saga. Today is my birthday. It's been a tough day but I tried to keep myself busy and not be completely sad and miserable all day. I haven't heard a word from the STBX all week. I AGAIN resolved to go NC...sent ANOTHER final good-bye e-mail on Wednesday and left ANOTHER final good-bye voice mail yesterday. I told him that my b-day was a good time for me to resolve to move on and get over him since he won't answer me about definitely wanting the divorce. I told him I figured that actions speak louder than words and it's time for me to let go. That was tough....I cried alot after I left that message. I did not expect to hear anything from him today but this evening he sent me a text message...something like this..."Happy Birthday! I know I am a jerk whether I wish you a happy birthday or not. I've been thinking about you alot today! I hope you can have a good b-day. I'm sorry." My heart flip-flopped when I read that! WHY does he keep doing this to me? What does that mean? BUT...I stayed strong and I did not respond...and I will not respond. That is a very big step for me. I do not think it is sincere and I think it is just manipulation again. I wish he hadn't sent that though. It put a damper on my day when I was trying NOT to think about him. One additional update....I did find out this week that both he and the skank were fired from the company they were working for...for very sketchy reasons in my opinion...just a coincidence??? So maybe he is starting to realize how badly he has screwed up his life??? Well thanks for listening friends! I truly appreciate it! PS-I am trying to make it through the whole day without crying...although I started to at dinner when they brought me a piece of cake with a candle and everybody sang to me. I HATE going through this!!!
  2. My recommendation is to find the phone number for the local women's shelter and contact them for advice. They are trained to deal with these types of situations and can talk to your girlfriend (or you) and advise her on the safest way to deal with her situation. She is lucky to have such a caring and concerned boyfriend like you in her corner. I think it is very important that she seek help immediately as there is so much damage being done to her that she is not even aware of...and there is a good chance that it could become physical. Good luck...
  3. This feeling we have and what are ex has done to us is just as bad as walking accross the street to check your mail and the street looks clear, no cars no traffic, beautiful day, life couldnt be anymore perfect and when we think everythings safe and clear and we're walking accross the street...BLAMM!!!!! an 18 wheeler semi truck loaded with tons of metal comes out of no where to smash us like a pancake.... (I know, sorry analogy but thats what it feels like for me..LOL) Houdini...I think this is a great analogy! I can completely relate to it...it describes just how I feel! Also, good point about the NPD! I have been on the MSN group site for NPD and it fits my STBX to a T as well. Kind of scary....
  4. It really is pathetic that I would even entertain the thought of getting back together, isn't it? That probably shows how little self-esteem and self-respect I have. A counselor that I am seeing at the women's shelter said that the years of verbal and emotional abuse have me brain-washed into thinking that I should tolerate this behavior...I'm conditioned to it and want to only see the good I thought was there because that's what he trained me to do. Scary and a little overwhelming to me....
  5. Thank you, thank you, thank you....for the replies, advice, and support! It is soooo helpful to read all of that. I am going to print this thread out and keep it with me for strength. When I go back and read my list over, it does look pretty horrendous. And I didn't even include everything!!! The funny thing is that..as far as finances go...he did not even provide that for me. Throughout our entire relationship, I was the bread-winner--making at least twice what he did. And I provided all of the benefits. Thanks to my income, we were able to have the lifestyle that we did. He was also able to do whatever he pleased and I supported him as far as encouraging him with advancing in his career and going to grad. school. I put my career on hold for him. In fact, I quit my full-time position in August and went part-time so that I could do more at home (since he was working full-time and in school), to transition because we were getting ready to have kids, and because I wanted to eventually make a career change. We were still making alot of money but he felt like it got too "financially stressful." It really wasn't; we just had to cut out alot of the extravagant stuff. Of course, right after I went part-time was when he did all of this crap so I was completely stuck. I couldn't go back full-time at that point. I feel like he made me more dependent on him financially than I had ever been and then dumped me. I carried him for all of those years and when it was his turn to step up to the plate, he bailed on me. My earning potential is actually far greater than his so no...I don't miss that about him! He went through our money like it was water....and then threw a tantrum when I tried to curb spending and get us on a budget! As far as the friend situation, I just know that he is very smooth and manipulative. Luckily, where we were living...people caught on very quickly to the type of person he is and did not fall for his lies or believe the things he was saying about me. However, I am concerned about our friends from college that he is trying to manipulate back. They have never seen this side of him and find it hard to believe. They just remember how fun he was back when we all lived in the same town. So those are the ones that I am worried about. Although he did pretty much lose touch with them once we moved a few years back...but now he is so anxious to "rebuild" after I have worked so hard to maintain those friendships. I think that those friends will feel more torn with what to believe and might fall for his little act. OK...I'm rambling again...mainly I wanted to let you all know how appreciative I am of your support!!!
  6. Based on my experiences with a cheating husband over the last 6 months or so, I agree wholeheartedly with the above posts even though it is probably not what you want to hear. I hate to say this but I now believe that if the person has the potential in them to cheat once...they are going to end up doing it again and again....it's like they either have it in them or they don't...and your wife sounds like she does unfortunately. Also....to Northalius...something in your post really clicked for me... I believe liars doubt themselves, by knowing they do not have a good story to come up with on the spot, so they want to run away. The guilt kills them so much. My husband has refused to talk to me in person or over the phone about anything. He will only e-mail. And he wants to e-mail all of our friends to explain his actions rather than talk to them on the phone. I didn't understand this until you wrote that. If he had to talk on the phone, he would have to think too fast to keep up all of the lies. He can carefully plan and manipulate by using e-mail, huh? That is why he is planning on e-mailing all of our friends to defend his actions..because he can set it all up to look good. He is so sneaky...I hate it! Thanks for the insight!
  7. Well...mine is a long story and if you are interested in a background please look at my original threads but here is what happened in the last few days.... Because I enforced my husband's financial responsibilities per our separation agreement, he sent me very nasty e-mails accusing me of not being able to be trusted, sneaky, manipulative, crazy, etc and said that he hated me and did not want any contact other than business-related from me. So I resolved yesterday that I would go NC because I just can't handle this treatment from him anymore. I am so depressed and crushed that I just can't take anymore of his emotional roller coaster. So yesterday I sent him a good-bye e-mail and left a phone message saying that I am going to respect his wishes and I will be leaving him alone and that I am heart-broken and all I ever wanted to do was love him and be married to him. But he made the choice not to be with me so I will move on, as painful as it is. I thought that I was doing what he wanted. But then today he sent me 3 e-mails. In two of them, he said that he was confused about if I still want to try to work this out after everything that he has done and that I have found out about him and this other girl. I was like * * *??? I didn't even think that option was on the table for him anymore. He has never come out and answered me as to if he is fine with getting divorced and if he doesn't want to be together but I figured that he had made that pretty clear from his actions. Of course, the pathetic part of me that still has a glimmer of hope was like "Could we really work it out and be together again?" It actually made me feel happy for a moment. BUT...here is what he has put me through.... *was extremely verbally abusive and neglectful to me last summer *was having an emotional affair with a girl he supervises at work *lied to me and manipulated me in regards to affair *did not communicate with me about problems in our relationship...confided in HER instead *bad-mouthed me to friends and family behind my back *lied to counselor in couples counseling *told me out of the blue he didn't think he wanted to be married to me anymore and moved out to hotels and ran up our credit card *treated me like crap during that time and would not take my calls or talk to me about anything...basically ignored me while he continued the new relationship....I was a complete wreck and could not even function *would not discuss finances, selling the house, or splitting possessions *began physical affair with her *refused to give her up to work on the marriage *put me in a financial and emotional position where I had to leave my house, my job, the city we lived in (to move in with my parents), and all of my friends *has made every step of this separation hell as far as being financially responsible *will not communicate on the phone to discuss our relationship in any way *I am in counseling and a support group for verbal/emotional abuse as it seems he was abusing me for years which was destroying me and causing anxiety/depression/migraines *all of my family and my/our friends hate him for how he has treated me *his mother was sending me threatening e-mails and phone messages *sends me e-mails blaming everything on me and manipulating me to get things *lied to me about not being with the other woman after Christmas...said maybe we can work things out...but then was caught in the act by PI *has admitted to a full-fledged relationship with this girl (who is also married) and is living with her, sleeping with her, and caring for her baby *has not shown a shred of respect for me in months OK...I think I could add even more but that is long enough...you get the picture. So am I crazy to even consider reconciliation at this point? Why would I even want that after all he has done to me? Why do I miss him and our marriage so much? I know I need a reality check here! HELP! Another thing he brought up in the e-mails that is stressing me out....he wants to contact our friends to try and "rebuild friendships". I have found out that he was slandering me to people before and even though people have stuck by my side and think that what he has done is heinous....I am afraid that he will steal those friends from me again. He is very smooth and manipulative. He hasn't spoken to any of these friends in months (didn't even tell any of them we were splitting; I had to do that) and I frankly don't feel like he deserves those friendships after the way he has treated me and everyone else. Some friends that he e-mailed when all of this started saw right through him and just were disgusted with his lies and manipulation. But I am worried about these other friends...which are more of our mutual couple friends. I have worked hard over the last few months to restore these friendships and now I feel that he is going to swoop back in and take them from me again. And some of these friends...he was lying to them about the affair..but yet they are still willing to be friends with him? I don't get that! So does anyone have any advice on this situation too? I hope I am making sense explaining it. Basically I am very afraid of what he is going to say about me and how he will twist the situation since he has done it before. OK...this is way too long...thanks for listening to my vent!!!
  8. I can relate.... How people describe me (not my description): Tall, skinny, very pretty, smart, trendy, great career with lots of money, very moral, outgoing, lots of friends, from a good family, sweet, caring, kind-hearted, responsible, honest, great wife, good cook, very loyal The girl my husband left me for: Short, very big butt, white trash/skanky look, likes to wear hair stuff that looks straight from the 80's, has cheated on her husband multiple times, got pregnant from one affair and had an abortion behind his back, has a kid, makes no money, hated by co-workers, snobby, cheats, lies, manipulative, irresponsible with her child Soooo....do you think I believe even one of those things people say to describe me? Nope....I am convinced that she is better than me and nobody will ever be able to convince me otherwise. Why else would he leave me for her? Who would give up the person in the first description for the one in the second description? So yep, I know what it's like to feel insecure and compare yourself. I do it every day. My self-esteem is shot. Sorry I have no advice for you...just empathy for how you are feeling. :sad:
  9. Let me share my experience with a cheater with you... *Fall 1995-He and I started dating, fell in love, never felt this way before, etc *Fall 1996-I went away to grad school. After a few months of long-distance, he started acting weird, would not communicate, I found out through mutual friends he was cheating and we break up. He said the girl was just a friend he turned to when things were rough with us and they only kissed. *Winter 1996-I am so heart-broken that I take a leave of absense from grad school and move back to the same city as him. He comes crawling back and says he only wants me and he just got stressed by the pressures of the long distance. He SWEARS it will never happen again and it was a huge mistake...please forgive him...he'll never hurt me again, etc. He completely cut off communication with the girl; actually did it in front of me on the phone to prove himself. I took him back. *Spring 2001-We get married. Soooo...we worked through it and nobody can believe it and we beat the odds...just like your sister and brother-in-law, right? It was just a one-time thing and we grew closer from it and now we should live happily ever after because we survived that huge obstacle, right? RIGHT??? *Fall 2006-Guess what? He did the EXACT same thing to me again, right after our 5 year wedding anniversary. Started acting weird, stopped communicating, thought he was cheating on me but he said she was just a friend he turned to when times got tough with us (of course he never talked to me about it). He was actually having an emotional affair...which led to a physical affair...I left him...and now they are living together (even though we are still married). So the lesson I learned is....ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER! And of course, I have been finding out that he did much more than kiss the girl in 1996 and that he has lied to me about other girls along the way. I could shoot myself for taking him back the first time! EVERYONE told me not to, but I put those love blinders on and thought I knew him better than everyone else and that it would never happen again because he loved me! I completely regret taking him back. In my mind, I have wasted 11 years of my life on someone who did not ever respect me or appreciate me. I think that cheating is an indication of a person's character and that they will do it again and again...especially if they know the person has forgiven them for it in the past. It especially bothers me to hear how she is quick to blame you for her immoral actions and decisions. This sounds just like my husband...it was NEVER his fault! So, I am sorry to sound harsh but please kick her butt to the curb so that you are not writing this same advice to someone years from now!
  10. I am going through pretty much the same thing that alivejp is. Here is what I have been told about the process by my priest (Roman Catholic).... The divorce is the legal part of the ending of the marriage and the annulment is the spiritual part. The divorce means that the marriage is over in the eyes of the courts and the annulment means that the marriage never existed in the eyes of the church and God. That part made me very sad. Once my divorce is legally final, then I am to meet with the priest and start the process of annulment. He said that it is a booklet of questions, etc that you fill out and then submit. It is reviewed by a bunch of different people and then the other ex-spouse has a chance to argue it or approve it. An annulment in the Catholic church takes about a year and a half. Based on my experiences, my priest said that the church will have no problem granting an annulment. He said that my husband's behavior shows that he did not take the marriage vows seriously so there never really was a true marriage. Plus there is his adultery which also is a justification for an annulment. It makes me cry just writing this.... Anyways, my advice would be to go and talk to a Catholic priest as soon as possible to discuss your options.
  11. Teardrops... Thank you for sharing your experiences so vividly. My husband had an affair and left me...and now that I am out of the marriage (not by my choice) I am slowly realizing that I was in an abusive relationship. I am still in the denial stage but so many things that you wrote about I could have written as well. That really started to make things click for me. For example, what you said about not being able to read a book or magazine....I had never related that to the abuse. But I had always been an excellent student and I used to love to read. All of the sudden it was taking me an hour to read one chapter of a book because things just weren't sinking in. I also started to have problems with productivity at my job because I couldn't focus and I was always checking over my work thinking I had done something wrong. I used to excel at that job but things just started to change. I thought I was going crazy or something (which is exactly what my husband told me) but now it is like pieces of a huge puzzle falling together. The abuse was destroying me from the inside out, wasn't it? My family and friends said that I turned into someone they didn't even know anymore. I had no self-esteem or ambition left in me. Then he said he didn't like me anymore because I had become a weak person with emotional problems. I never had problems with anxiety and depression until after we were together. Maybe it was because he made me that way? He essentially made a mess of me and then threw me away when he was done. At least you were smart enough and strong enough to walk away. I never would have....
  12. Did you ask her why there are LONG phone conversations if there isn't anything going on??? That's the part that doesn't make sense to me. If someone were harassing me, I would just hang up and I would definitely tell my husband about it. If it kept happening, I would report it to someone. Why continue the calls if they are only harassment? And why erase all of the numbers in the phone if it were nothing to hide? It just seems fishy to me. But only YOU can decide if you want to take your wife's word on this or not. Just trust what your instincts are telling you....even if you don't like it. Our instincts are usually right. I have learned that the hard way.
  13. Unfortunately, I am going to have to agree with ILP and Dako. "Yes, she is cheating on you. Whether it be physically, emotionally or both... you are currently sharing her with another person." This is based on my recent experiences with a cheating husband...it just sounds too similar to me! And I'm sorry because I know it hurts sooooooo badly. When I confronted him, my husband became "irrationally angry" and indignant. As the saying goes, the best defense is an offense. So watch out for that type of reaction as it really worked on me for quite awhile!!! I think it's OK to look at phone records if you are not getting complete honesty from her...and I don't think you are. You deserve to know the truth and not to have things drawn out any longer. I'm so sorry that she is doing this to you. :sad:
  14. Thank you to everyone who posted.....there are a lot of things that really hit home for me in your words. It's so nice to be able to communicate with people who truly seem to understand. The weird thing is that I still can't seem to accept as fact that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship! Every time that I come close to being able to say it and mean it, I doubt myself all over again. I feel like I am just trying to make myself feel better by making my husband look like he was bad because I am upset about him leaving me for another woman. I then convince myself that the problem in the marriage was me and my being emotional, oversensitive, twisting things around to make myself look good, etc. It's hard to explain... My counselor, my priest, my family, and my friends all keep telling me that I was in this type of relationship and that I need to believe it so that I can heal. But something inside me just won't agree with it. I have so many emotions tearing through me these days that I don't even know how to start untangling them....I think that I am really falling into a bad depression about all of this. Of course, my husband is off with his new skank girlfriend living it up and not even missing me or feeling bad about anything. Eleven years that I dedicated to him and making him happy and this is what I get. It really truly sucks. "You're going to get to a point where the thought of being back with him is going to turn your stomach."---I hope that you are right about this! Everyone else seems to be happy for me that I am rid of him but I am just so sad right now!
  15. It's funny that I finally got the chance to log back on here after a few weeks as I've been out of town and this popped right out at me. I had a very rough day emotionally....I signed the separation agreement in front of a notary today and it completely tore me apart. I came home and wrote a 4 page letter to my husband as a good-bye and have been debating whether or not to send it for closure. I do not even want a response from him; I just want him to know how I feel about the crap he did to me. It is much too long to post here though! I just feel like I want him to know that I have finally realized that I am a great person, I was a wonderful wife, and that I am NOT to blame for him having an affair and breaking our wedding vows in so many ways. He has put the blame on me for months and I was believing his lies and manipulation for all of this time. I want him to know that he was wrong on so many levels for the things that he did and it is ridiculous for him to keep pointing the finger at me. I may have not been perfect but I did NOT cause our marriage to end. He did that all on his own. I guess saying those things to him just seems freeing to me in some way. Hmmmm.....
  16. Alivejp... Our situations are very similar and I wanted to respond to your most recent post. I was in the exact same place as you only two weeks ago. The things your husband is saying about the "other woman" are the exact things that my husband was saying to me. I am an emotional wreck right now and I'm completely depressed so I am probably not the best person to be giving advice but I can at least share my experiences. First of all, it sounds like your husband has at least been having an emotional affair. My husband started out doing the same thing. No matter what they say, this is WRONG. He should not be going outside the marriage in secret for support and for someone to confide in. He should only be coming to you. No matter how much he insists that it is innocent, there is a bond being formed there. After I found the cell phone bill with the hundreds of phone calls, my husband kept using the just friends, not in love, etc. excuses. I foolishly kept holding onto hope and tried to believe him. BUT I hired a PI in the meantime and I am so glad that I did. No matter how painful it has been, that PI was worth every penny as I was able to catch him in his lies and find out the truth. He was actually on the phone with me, talking about reconciliation, insisting that NOTHING physical had ever happened with the skank....and the PI followed him to the apartment they are living in together and got pictures of them kissing passionately in the parking lot!!! He was trying to live a double life or something. He is just sick....trying to keep me hanging on but pursuing things with her as well. I have no idea why he was doing that. I felt like a complete idiot for starting to believe him. But everything he said to me sounds just like what your husband is saying...especially about needing "space" and looking for his own place. So I would not believe a word of it if I were you even though it is so hard I know. He has betrayed you already with the phone calls. Once that line is crossed it is easy to keep going. He does not sound committed to you. And, yeah, mine tried to convince me with the fact that he is going to counseling to help himself. For all I know, he is lying to the counselor just like he has lied to me, our families, and our friends and everyone else under the sun. I don't have any answers as to what to do about the hurt and betrayal as I am struggling with that right now. I just know that I have to close the door on him and us for good. Trust your gut and your instincts. Hire a PI. And never let your guard down. Good luck and I will keep you in my thoughts. I will NEVER understand how people can be so awful to someone they claimed to love and cherish for the rest of their life.
  17. Thank you so much for your replies and for the links. I have started reading the information over but it gets a little overwhelming for me so I'm taking it slowly. I have a feeling that I have a very long road ahead of me. My Mom was so upset with me tonight because I said that I just wish he and I were back together like we were before he had the affair. She couldn't believe that I would want to live like that again but I told her that it was better than the pain I am feeling now. I know in my head that is really screwed up. It makes me realize how much he messed me up. I just miss him so much but who in their right mind would miss that treatment? The articles that you both linked seem to have some explanations for it that make some sense in my situation. It really hurts because I don't think he ever truly loved me or was committed to me. I think I was just an object to him. When he got bored with me and had to face too much responsibility AND deal with the emotional mess he had made of me, he threw me away for someone else. He will not even acknowledge my existence now. Ouch. I really feel completely screwed up in the head. I can't stop missing him! How will I ever get over this? I wasted 11 years of my life on someone who treated me like crap and made me an emotional wreck. But yet I wish we could go back to how things were. According to my friends and family, I should be glad that this happened and forced me to leave the relationship. When I even confide minor incidences to them, they are horrified...and I am thinking to myself..."what was so bad about that???" Well...thanks again for listening to my rambling!
  18. WOW...that was a lot to think about and process. Thanks for all of the insight. I have contacted the skank's husband about the issue of paternity and he is planning on getting a paternity test done. We both agree that nothing would surprise us from these two scumbags at this point. I met with my attorney yesterday and we are going to use the adultery evidence as leverage with the separation agreement or force it to court where he would surely lose. Although....yes he is STILL blaming me for the whole thing. And I am really starting to believe that I didn't do anything wrong. He is the one who made all of the screwed-up immoral decisions that made our lives a mess. But he just keeps throwing the guilt on me....well I am not going to catch it anymore! I am afraid that I will never be able to move past this. Every day I wake up and think that this was all a nightmare and we are still together....but, nope, it is all real. I never thought that emotional pain this intense and horrible existed. I do have small glimpses of hatred between my sadness every so often now. Maybe that is progress??? But then I think of them sleeping in the same bed together and snuggling and I break down into tears all over again. This is sooooooo awful and unfair. I gave everything I had to him and our marriage.... Thanks for all of the support!
  19. I guess what hurts me the most is that I can be tossed aside like trash.. by one who I really care about. To be honest, I cant think of a worse feeling... It really makes one feel worthless. ahh. I just want to be happy again. Thats all. I miss a woman that no longer is real... I miss the woman I married.. John... I just wanted you to know that I completely feel your pain and relate to this statement (except I miss the MAN I married!). You put it into words so well. I keep asking myself the same question as to how someone who was your best friend and lover for so many years can suddenly become so cold and heartless and make you feel that you mean nothing to them. I think the explanation might just be that there is something wrong with the way these people are wired....they are not capable of real love.
  20. Hello all- I am having an extremely rough time right now as I am going through separation and divorce (not my choice). To make things even more complicated, since I have been out of the marriage I have started to open up about things to my family, friends, and counselor and it seems that I was verbally and emotionally abused by my husband for years! I am still not sure if it is true but everything I read about this subject seems to be an exact representation of my marriage. It is almost too much to deal with right now. Even though he apparently did not treat me properly, I still feel devastated that he left me and that we are over. All I can think about are the good times. The bad times aren't even that horrible to me (at least until the end) but people are in shock when I tell them things that went on. It makes me feel sick that I want that back in my life because I don't think a normal person would tolerate what I did. But he always made me feel like I deserved it because I was so hard to deal with, overemotional, psycho, oversensitive, etc. He came from an abusive family but I always thought I was lucky to get the "good one" out of the three boys. He could be so charming and sweet and do wonderful things for me. But when he was mean it was terrible. I cried so much of the time, especially towards the end. I am also realizing that he was never supportive of me during hard times like a husband should be. But again, I just thought my expectations of him were too high. It's very weird because I can see a pattern in our relationship. When things were easy and fun, he was great and the verbal abuse was not that bad. But as we took on more adult responsibilities, it got worse. I always just put up with it until this past summer. We had so many external stressors...more than we ever had before. Then his treatment of me went out of control to a point where I confided in a friend about it because I would start every workday in tears and started to get very depressed. She encouraged me to speak up to my counselor, who told me that I should stand up to him and tell him that I did not deserve to be treated that way. I did and I told him that I could not stay in the marriage and be happy unless he started to be nicer and more respectful to me. Guess what he did then......went and had an affair with a skank that he supervises at work and blamed me for pushing him away by saying that I was unhappy. I actually regret speaking up for myself because I feel like we would still be together if I had kept my big mouth shut. But as I am learning more about verbal abuse, I guess he just freaked out when he saw he was losing control of me and ran to someone else because he was too immature to work on the marriage. But he always blames me for everything which drives me crazy. He also says that he got tired of dealing with my anxiety and depression issues....which I never had before I met him. Now I am starting to think that these were caused by his treatment of me over the 11 years we were together. He is a master at manipulating me. In spite of what I am realizing and trying to accept (still not convinced it's all true and is not just me), I still cry every day over him and it's been almost 3 months. How do you get over something like this? Will I ever be able to say that he was bad for me and close the door on him? It seems like such a waste of so many years of my life. I gave him everything and I think I was just an object to him. If he really loved me, he wouldn't be treating me so crappy right now...I think. This is hell to go through...
  21. Jeff.. Thanks for your insight too. I can't imagine the pain you went through with such a betrayal with your wife AND your brother. You pointed out something very true. My husband has always had a problem treating people with decency and respect. It has just become out of control this past year, especially with me. I just can't seem to accept that this has actually happened to me. I can't believe he has turned into this type of person. I feel like my heart will never mend and that I will never get over him. The worst thing is that I feel like he could care less about me or our relationship. It really really hurts.
  22. Thanks Mike for your advice. I just don't see how I am going to get through this. My counselor keeps saying it is for the best if this is the kind of sick person he is but I am having a very hard time seeing that. What kind of power do I have with having proof on video? Why do you say I have the upper hand?
  23. Hello everyone and thanks for all of the advice. You are all so wise....everyone was exactly right about my husband and what he was doing to me. So here's the update.... My husband started e-mailing me and discussing the possibilities of reconciliation. As pathetic as I am, I entertained the idea and e-mailed and chatted with him on-line about it. BUT he would only communicate with me when he was out of town on business. (I am staying at my parents in a different state.) He claimed that he didn't have Internet access at our home and he wouldn't give me his cell phone number. (Red flags I know but I really am that manipulated by him!) I repeatedly asked him questions about his involvement with the skank and he kept telling me that she was just a friend that he liked to spend time with, nothing physical had ever happened, and he had no feelings for her. He said that I had blown the whole thing out of proportion. I ALMOST started to believe him. Last Friday afternoon, he talked to me on the phone on his way home from his business trip and was saying all of that stuff again. Telling me that I should move back and we could live separately but take things slow and start over again...make a new start together. Again, he reassured me that he was very lonely and missing me and was not seeing the skank. Not even an hour after our phone call, the Private Investigator I hired calls me to tell me that they followed him to her apartment where he let himself in with a key, dropped his luggage off, and then met her in the parking lot with a very long passionate kiss!!! And it's all on film!!! Boy did I finally hit my anger at that point. I called her cell phone and left messages, sent messages to their my space pages, sent nasty e-mails to him, and sent a message to her husband. I almost let him sucker me in again!!! I was so ashamed of myself. I refused to listen to my family, friends, and even people on this forum and I kept believing that he was a good person that messed up and I should give him another chance. Boy am I stupid!!! Her husband and I finally talked on the phone and compared notes and I am in shock over everything that he was/is doing. I feel like I am getting stabbed in the heart over and over. He is living with her, they are inseparable, they are having sex, they spent the holidays away at her parents (he told me he was all alone at our house and missing me), and he is taking care of her baby---dropping her off at child care, etc. Oh my gosh...it hurts sooooooooo bad. How could he do this to me? When he finally e-mailed me today, he didn't even apologize or show any remorse. Just kept threatening me about the terms of the separation agreement and taking the dog, etc. My therapist seriously thinks he is deeply psychologically disturbed and was trying to lead a double life....kind of like a Scott Peterson. She said that he is beyond help and that I should be glad he is out of my life for good now. I just can't equate this man to the one I spent the last decade with. What happened to him? I am doubting that he ever even truly loved me at this point. How can anyone be so hurtful and mean? In his e-mail, he is still blaming me for everything and I have finally stopped blaming myself because I really didn't do anything except try to be a good wife to him and have a mature marriage. How do you get over something like this? How do you let go of the person after loving them so long and sharing so much together? I am nauseated at the thought of him having sex with another woman! They are both still married for God's sake! I now accept that we are completely over, but what happens from here? I am so deeply hurt.... I'll write more later but just wanted to fill everyone in.
  24. Hello lollipop- I am having the same dilemma as you are! Was I or wasn't I? My head is so mixed up as to what was emotional abuse and what was just me (which is what my husband always told me). Anytime I felt badly about the way he was treating me or what he was saying to me....he just turned it around on me. So I never told anybody. Now that we are separated, I have started to open up to family and close friends about our marriage. They are in shock over the things I tell them. My mom actually cried. I still don't think it was anything that bad but everyone tells me that's because I got so used to it. And yet I still want him back!!! I did some research on the Internet on emotional abuse and some of the checklists of things that abusers say and do were identical to what my husband said. Maybe try that? Even so, I am still not convinced that is what happened to me. It just seems so dramatic. But the biggest thing is that my family and friends say they saw changes in me the longer I was with him especially losing my self-confidence and doubting myself all of the time. I also started to have alot of anxiety and panic problems the longer I was with him. But still I think it was me and not him! Soooo I guess the bottom line is that I would like to know how you know if you were emotionally abused or not too but I still don't think I would accept and face it yet if it were true. Here are some examples of stuff my husband did: -called me psycho, oversensitive, dramatic, too emotional, and a b**ch on a regular basis -would explode for no reason and blame it on me -if I cried would tell me to stop being a baby and get over it -told me that I better hope we never split up because there was no one else in the world that would put up with my BS -told me that everyone else thought I was so sweet and nice but he was the only one that knew the real me and how mean I was -if I tried to talk to him about being upset about something he said or did, he would say "I can't MAKE you feel anything" (which drove me nuts) And those are just some examples of when things were normal during our marriage...not when things got REALLY bad this summer and I finally stood up for myself...which resulted in him being pushed away and forcing him to turn to another woman for comfort....and now we are separated. I wish I would have just kept my big mouth shut! What kinds of things did you experience???
  25. I can't believe that I found a post about my space! I thought that I was the ONLY one that had issues with that with my separation from my husband. When we were together, I had my page first (and re-connected with many old friends) and then he made one a month or so later. When he dumped me, I just completely deleted my page out of sadness and anger. Then after we separated, he still had all of our pics together up and good stuff written about us. BUT I saw he had added the skank he cheated on me with to his "top friends" and I completely broke down. It hurt so badly. When I mentioned something about it to him, he took down all of our pics (but still used a pic of him from our 5 yr anniversary trip for his profile) and deleted all evidence of our life together. Ouch. Then he deleted all of our mutual friends that were still close with me and set to private. I was still looking at his page and the skank's page for awhile but then I got tired of hurting myself so much. It was just pure torture. I am now actually afraid to go on there because of what I might find because I don't think I can handle any more pain. So in addition to everything else that selfish jerk took from me, he has also taken away my guilty pleasure of my space! Although I tend to agree with others that posted....my space is immature and voyeuristic. I should have better things to do with my time anyways! I am going to choose to keep my life private now and I can keep in touch with people that I still want to without having a page. Thanks for bringing up this topic! There's no one else in my life that would understand this....
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