Help, paranoid & confused!!

[PieOhPah]

This has been going for months and it’s starting to make me ill, haven’t really got anyone I feel I can really confide in so I thought I would try here, sorry long story.

 

Been married for 15 yrs, together for 20, got one child. Hasn’t always been easy, been through some tough times but the last couple of years have been great and felt we had turned a corner and become much closer. I’ve always been a trusting person, never stopped her doing anything she wanted to do or see anyone she wanted to see, supported her throughout her career choices etc. in 20yrs nothing has ever bothered me till now.

 

At the beginning of Jan my wife changed departments, went on a works do and stayed at a colleagues (male) house, she doesn’t stay out very often & has never bothered me when she has, she did tell me where she was going to stay, can’t say I was completely happy that she didn’t come home, who would be, but as I have always done I let it go. (Foolishly I think now)

 

Shortly after the night out her mobile was constantly on the go with texts when she was at home, although friends would text her from time to time this was different and it started to bother me, although I felt bad I did look at her phone without her knowing and the texts were all from the man she stayed with, nothing I would say was in any way suggestive, plus quite a lot of calls to and fro.

 

I spent about a week wondering what to do or say, she has always had what I would call close male friends but none have ever bothered me. One night she said this colleague had invited her and some others to his house (no mention of me), I told her I wasn’t comfortable about it, was honest and said I felt a little jealous, she said I could trust her and everything was ok. This man lived on his own and was just lonely. She did go but didn’t stay long and came home.

 

Still not sure about what was going on I checked her phone again, texts had gone as had call records, she also turned off the text alert on her phone. We had another talk a week or so later, mainly because I felt she was sneaking about the house with her phone a lot (she was) sometimes at very odd hours of the night, and I was starting to be suspicious of everything she did. Again she said they were just friends and everything was ok. She told me that it was me texting her at work that made her turn the alert off so it didn’t disturb the others, I know that wasn’t true, it was shortly after the texts started a lot that it went off.

 

A week or so later she phoned me at work one morning to say she was going into town but I knew from her voice she was lying. A few days later I confronted her and she admitted she had gone to see him at his house, just to have tea & a chat.

 

I felt the air had been cleared for a few days, I decided looking at her phone was making things worse so haven't since. But her behaviour continued to puzzle me and still does, very many little things and signs that something is wrong. Things she says that don’t always add up, just the way she is around the house & with me & our daughter, it’s like living with two different people and has only been like this since that night away.

 

One night we talked again and I said I felt something was very wrong, just a gut feeling that wouldn’t go away, again she said everything was ok, it’s not all bad, we are getting along ok throughout all this but I can’t get everything that has happened out of my head.

 

I’ve not got any concrete proof that she is doing anything she shouldn’t, I’ve just got a very long mental list of things she has said and done that just aren’t “normal” or don’t add up. He could just be another close friend but my gut is still telling me she is hiding something very bad, either that has happened or still is.

 

Something else has happened in the last few days that again just didn’t seem right (work related) and I have what I think is a chance to confirm my suspicions in the next week or so, but it would involve me checking on her whereabouts, something I have never done and feel badly about doing, if I’m honest there’s a reasonable chance it’s just me misreading the situation, if she finds out I checked I think it would be the end of us.

 

My suspicion / paranoia is driving me mad, it’s affecting my work badly now and am sure my employers have noticed, although she hasn’t said so I know it’s also affecting our daughter. I just can’t get the last few months out of my head.

 

I feel trapped, between the fear of finding out she is having an affair and me thinking I’ll end up making her leave me whether she is or not.

 

I really don’t know what to do now, I don’t want to sound like an obsessive controlling paranoid man, but if I wrote everything that has happened down in the last month or so it would read like a long list of “signs of an affair”, I’m sure I’m not imagining all of them but there’s also part of me that thinks I’m seeing these things because it’s all I can think about….. and I’m just reading too much into everything.

 

Don’t know what advice (if any) I’m expecting but it’s good to get it off my chest. I feel terrible for looking at her phone behind her back, (although I’m sure it’s what most partners would do in my situation). I’ve lost something I always took for granted in our relationship, trust. What saddens me most about all this is not anything she has or might have done, or I've done, it's that even if she hasn’t done anything wrong I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to get it back

[adahy]

Don't ever let a woman (especially inside of a marriage) tell you hanging out with another man is no big deal. Hell, if she wants some tea, go by her some teabags!

 

I've never been married, but know how you feel pal. Hang in there.

 

I don't think there is anything you need to confirm. She's out of line, however far it goes.

[karvala]

You don't sound like an obsessive, controlling paranoid, you sound like someone finding it hard to trust his wife, which is entirely understandable given that your wife is almost going out of her way to make herself appear untrustworthy.

 

Whether or not she's actually cheating on you, she's behaving badly: she's lied to you about her whereabouts, she's lied to you about the reason she's turned her phone off, she's sneaking around with her phone and texting this other guy all day, and when she goes to see him with your knowledge, there's never an invite for you.

 

If she gave a damn, she would see that your suspicions are quite reasonable in the circumstances, and simply invite you along one time, or tell you if she wants to have tea with him (and I'm trying hard not to hear that as a euphemism).

 

I rarely advocate any sort of checking up on people, because whether or not you can't trust her, it generally shows that she can't trust you either, but in this situation, as it is so badly affecting other areas of your life, it may be necessary. It would be preferable if you could defuse the situation instead, i.e. talk to her properly about it, ask if you can meet the guy in the next few days etc.., but if that's not an option, then knowing once and for all might be the only thing you can do.

[PieOhPah]

blimey weeks of bottling this up and I feel better already, thanks for the replies.

 

It would be preferable if you could defuse the situation instead, i.e. talk to her properly about it, ask if you can meet the guy in the next few days etc

 

funnily enough we were talking about this earlier, he invited my wife and daughter over on Sunday, but not me, I asked why not, she then started saying she wasn't sure about going anyway.... I do want to meet him.

 

this is sounding worse by the minute isn't it...

 

I dont know what to say that I haven't said already, I think if I keep dragging this up she'll go anyway, and that's honestly the last thing I want, is all one big mess.

[Locke2121]

The only way your going to get to the bottom of this is to spy on her actions and you know it. I'm sorry, but her actions are more than supicious, I'd say they lead to a very specific conclusion. On Sunday, if she goes, follow at a discrete distance and observe what happens. Also, if possible follow her on one of her overnights.

 

I know you don't want to do it, the thought of being wrong and her finding out is terrifying. But I don't know any man who would invite a women and her daughter out, and not the husband. You have to do it dude...and I hope your suspicions are dead wrong!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think that whenever a longtime spouse's behavior changes a lot, and it revolves around a particular person or situation, it is a sign that something is very wrong. she may have cheated, or he may be flattering her and trying to lure her into cheating, but either way, it is something that a married woman should NOT be doing.

 

and why are YOU not invited over to this person's house, especially if she is intending on taking your DAUGHTER with her. that makes no sense at all... that can just be a set up for future rendezvous, i.e., she takes her daughter with her and goes to see him, and if your daughter mentions him, she can always say it was because your daughter met him on such and such day she told you about before...

 

LOTS of cheaters take their children along, especially if the children are young, because it is hard to get away on their own... and if she is already in a serious affair with him, this may be the 'introduce the new guy to her kid' day, for them to see how they get along, and if it is well, then she could be leaving you and taking your daughter to be with him permanently...

 

at this point though, don't keep talking to her about your suspicions, because if she IS having an affair or considering one, she will just listen to what you say and become better at hiding it. i.e., you complain about the texts, so she turns off her phone and starts deleting them.

 

i first think you should tell her you want to come with her to see the guy on Sunday, but wait until the last minute, and as she is preparing to leave the house, just tell her you intend to come meet her new friend too since she likes him so much, you could probably be friends! see how she behaves then... if she balks or acts upset in any way at all, then i think you have serious reason to believe it is an affair, or an affair in the making...

 

the best thing then you can do is just quietly observe what she is doing, and when she relaxes again and thinks you are no longer watching her, she will probably start leaving on unexplained absenses, and you should follow her then, have one of your friends follow her, or pay someone to do it.

 

i think you have to balance your desire to trust her with the reality of her behavior. there are enough signs here to warrant the suspicion that she is cheating or seriously thinking about it, and it is better for you to know than to be surprized some time down the road when she announces she is leaving you for someone else. better to nip it in the bud and see if she wants to work on the marriage, before she is really entrenched in a new relationship with someone else.

[PieOhPah]

thank you, all sound advice and just what I needed.

 

very worried about Sunday, will do as you suggest and see what happens. I know I have to get back on track at work asap, dont want to lose my marriage and my job.

 

Relaxing and watching seems like a good approach, it'll no doubt ease the tension for everyone, although relaxing is proabably easier said than done, am still fearing the worst.

 

thanks again, has helped a lot.

[chocojay]

I actually knw exacly how you feel! Its gotta thee worst thing a person could ever go through. You start having all these mad thoughts playing in your head all the time to the point where you think you going insane! I hate it so much!! I knw all abt the "i knw i shudnt b lukin bt i will", what i learnt is that by snooping, you find and ultimately hurt us even more! Its mad painful!

 

Your wife should never be chillin wit some man who lives alone and has no life! Where are his male buddies to keep him company? Most of all, why is your wife making so many/regular house calls? the sms thing? its an old game,damn u should read one of my threads! The phone goes on silent suddenly? Why? Busy fiddling on the fone all da tym! Why?

 

Listen you not paranoid or controlling. But the behaviour Can drive them to do it further. Be straight and honest with your wife, set ultimatums and stick to them!

[radioheader]

i am experienced on affairs and how partners can act...my husband of 14 years has cheated twice and oh those signs you are describing are so right on...something is going on for sure...they will deny it until you have 100% proof that anything is going on...i had the gut feeling too and denied it b/c he kept saying there was no one else...i will NEVER turn my back on my intuition again...and you shouldn't either.

 

"she said they were just friends and everything was ok" go to your bookstore or library asap and get a book called "not just friends" by shirley glass....this book will explain SO much about what it happening in your marriage....my husband cheated with someone from work and they started out as "just friends" but it doesn't stay that way for long...get the book.

 

don't beat yourself up for snooping and wanting to know...you deserve the truth and if she isn't going to tell you and the signs are there, i think you should find out (within reason) what is happening...

 

trust is something that can only be earned back by her actions...so it will be a while b/f you can work thru all of this and get it back...but first you've got to figure out what is going on with her...good luck!

[PieOhPah]

despite my best efforts to relax we ended up having a long talk this morning, didn't really say anything that hasn't been said before, she still doesn't seem to think she has done anything wrong at home, yet it's the way that she has been at home that gives me most concern, she just can't, or wont see it. I let it rest to give things a chance to settle down and just watch for now.

 

If she had just been going to see him on the odd occasion without all the other stuff going on at home I honestly think I wouldn't be thinking anything is wrong.

 

There were a lot of tears, a lot of saying sorry, again I feel the air has cleared, she insists she hasn't been to see him since she lied about going but things done/said this week make me think otherwise. What she has told me about this week seems nothing more than an elaborate cover story which doesn't really add up, I dont think it is paranoia, she's been telling me very strange things about specific people, days and times, might sound crazy but my gut instinct is still there.

 

I believe I have a very good chance to confirm my suspicions in the middle of next week which I think I'll do, just to put my mind at rest. It might be what I fear the most but it'll be relief, which is what I need most.

 

just putting this all down here has really helped me, actually had a good day today and that's the first time I've been able to say that in weeks! thanks for all your help.

[Meow18]

Honestly, as the others have said, something is not right. You just don't have these strong of suspicions if everything is fine. Even insecurities don't bring this much evidence of weird behavior.

 

There is no reason for her to be going over to this guy's house, overnight or even for a few hours. Yes, it's ok to have friends of the opposite sex. It's one thing to know a guy for years and go out to lunch with him every once in awhile, but she's obviously hiding something if you haven't even met this guy. You are her husband, not her boyfriend of a month who she's waiting to introduce her friends to. Besides, she should be introducing him to you, not you to him.. if that even makes sense. If they were really friends, he would want to meet you just as much as he would want to meet your daughter.

 

Anyways, for now try to relax. Something is either going on or not and you will figure it out soon. And if something is going on, there's nothing you can do that will change that at this moment. So as hard as it is, try not to stress yourself out.

 

If your wife wants you to trust her, she needs to give you reason to. She's claimed to lying to you before.. so she shouldn't be surprised that you aren't still suspicious over this other stuff.

[Rabican]

I dont have the patience to read this whole thread... this is a simple simple situation my friend. Let me lay it out there for you in a very simple way.

 

Please note that I would simply leave this woman. I wont ever go through this crap... ever. SO i would simply walk away and tell her to enjoy her life with this 'friend'.

 

Your wife is cheating on you. Period. Dont argue, dont deny, dont make excuses. Ill bet my soul, left kidney, right leg you name it... shes cheating.

 

Married women, (or men) simply do not have sleepovers with members of the opposite sex. That is behavior reserved for a, cheaters and b, single people.

 

She is lying to you. She told you she was going to town, and she went to his house... lying to your spouse is not an activity that loving couples normally partake in.

 

Somewhere along the way, your wife has decided that you are a doormat. You are simply not standing up for yourself. You are looking the other way, making excuses, and letting her turn the tables on you about this whole situation.

 

However, Ill assume that you want to work on things so try this:

Its time you stand up and be a man. Tell your wife that enough is enough, and you are not going to tolerate her spending this kind of alone time with this guy. Friend or not. Either she can start inviting you out when they are hanging out or hes out of the picture. IF she doesnt want you around, then thats proof that something is up. Furthermore, tell her that the sleepovers are over. Thats behavior reserved for single people. Regardless of the fact that you have let it go on for how long.... its not happening anymore. Sit her down and tell her what you find acceptable behavior. I for one would start with her turning her cell phone back on. IF someone is texting her at 3 am, she shouldnt be hiding it. And any 'friend' would have enough respect to keep their calls/ texts to a respectable timeframe.

 

Good luck.

[PieOhPah]

I know I'm not ready to end this based on nothing but suspicion and gut feeling, whatever the signs (and there are many) I could still be wrong, I do want to work this out.

 

you are right about the night at his place, that will have to stop, and tbh there's no good reason why she can't come home, either me picking her up or cab.

 

but she's obviously hiding something if you haven't even met this guy. You are her husband, not her boyfriend of a month who she's waiting to introduce her friends to. Besides, she should be introducing him to you, not you to him.. if that even makes sense. If they were really friends, he would want to meet you just as much as he would want to meet your daughter.

 

it all makes a lot of sense. Dont know what is happening about Sunday yet, I said during our talk yesterday I want to meet him, I think if something is going on I'll probably be able to tell when I do. He hasn't been here at all in 3 months, which is unusual based on her male friends in the past.

 

If she plans to go on Sunday with our daughter I'll insist we go as a couple/family and see what happens, if she doesn't go I'll keep gently pressing till we do. But I think for some reason either she doesn't wnat me to meet him or he doesn't want to meet me, which is just another on the list.

 

Wednesday is D-day, I think I'll know for sure by then. I am more relaxed, dont feel so stressed, is not all bad

[Teulada]

Sorry but I think Rabican is right on the money. Actually I was skimming through the posts wondering why no-one was offering you that kind of advice. It may sound harsh but it true.

 

You have let this gone way too far. She is totally abusing both your trust and your relationship.

You are clinging to her and she knows it.

Actually, as a woman, it would seem to me she is doing anything under the sun to elicit a reaction from you. Only, you don't react.

 

Forget about further investigation; some things are simply a big NO NO in normally functional couples. Just tell her to stop or you're out of the scene.

[PieOhPah]

Actually, as a woman, it would seem to me she is doing anything under the sun to elicit a reaction from you. Only, you don't react.

 

you're right, I dont always react & I have let this go too far, boy do I regret it now. But the fact remains I've got no real proof, until then it seems foolish to tell her it's over.

 

Unlikely as it sounds they could just be friends, if it's more than that it's not me that will be in a world of ****, because of the nature of her job she and this other man could both face the sack.

 

If I said that's it based on what I know now I think her world would fall apart, as angry as I am inside about the last few months I couldn't do that to her (or anyone for that matter) without knowing first that she IS having an affair.

 

If she has been lying to me over the last week or so I believe it'll be obvious by Wednesday night, then I can confront her and I'll go from there, there's still a chance I wont find anything but surely watching is better for the time being? until then I think it would be wrong for everyones sake to jump to conclusions.

 

it might sound like I'm clinging on, and I admit part of me is, I need proof first, if I do say it's over without knowing for sure that will be with me for good, I dont really see how that can be better than where I am now. Hope that makes sense.

 

oh and she isn't going tomorrow, but we are going out Tuesday together, and apparently I will meet him then, will see what happens.

[Meow18]

Honestly, I do not agree with some advice being given here.

 

I don't believe it's fair for you to leave just off of suspicions. Even though she could be putting a little more effort into making you trust her, it wouldn't be worth throwing everything away when you don't even know what's going on for sure.

[CallingAllAngels]

I am sorry for your pain. As someone who "thought my husband was having an affair and was lied to for 6 years about it, I can only tell you this....TRUST you gut. It's not stearing you wrong. If you think someone is cheating, then they probably are. I know my husband was. And he told lie after lie after lie...excuse after excuse...things that didn't even make SENSE, but I believed him, because I wanted to.

 

Now, I am shattered...the marraige is over...it takes years to build trust and only a second to destroy it.

 

I can tell you that no one should have to "snoop" though someone's text messages. Been there and done that. It doesn't feel good to do that, and, it's a sign that something is wrong.

 

So sorry for what you are going thru...

 

Allie

[bluebone03]

I agree with Rabican 100%. Stand up to her. Tell her what you expect from your relationship. Do it in a FIRM controlled manner. DO NOT loose your cool. I would insist that she did not see this man again. Go and see him and tell him to stay the F*** away from your wife. She's not going to like it - be prepared for that.

[bluebone03]

Just to add....keep your back straight, don't plead or beg her to stop seeing him, don't get emotional, just tell her.

[PieOhPah]

not meeting tomorrow night now seems he is less keen to meet face to face than I am.

 

not much progress otherwise, things around the house are better at the mo which is good for my daughter, we did have a long chat the other night after hearing our neighbours fighting woke her up and she assumed it was us, she is ok.

 

otherwise not much has changed, she is still preoccupied with her phone, I wish she could see why it would make me suspicious, am sure if it was me doing the same she would be feeling the way I do.

[Locke2121]

Ok...this isn't going to end unless you face this dude! Your wife is doing something wrong, and your setting there like a slug letting it happen. I've been walking on eggshells, trying to be nice but now's not the time for that. March over to this dude's place and tell him flat out that its time for a man to man. You want the f*##ing truth and you want it now. For pete's sake, DO SOMETHING! Your marriage is dying in front of your eyes man!

[Meow18]

Ok...this isn't going to end unless you face this dude! Your wife is doing something wrong, and your setting there like a slug letting it happen. I've been walking on eggshells, trying to be nice but now's not the time for that. March over to this dude's place and tell him flat out that its time for a man to man. You want the f*##ing truth and you want it now. For pete's sake, DO SOMETHING! Your marriage is dying in front of your eyes man!

 

I would do this, but with her. You need to be firm with her and demand the truth.

 

Also, it's making you feel so horrible. Probably almost like you have no marriage anymore. So what could you lose by suggesting a seperation? This way, if she does want to work on the marriage, you are not yet divorced.

 

Maybe once she sees how serious you are, she will change her behavior. If not, then you know she's not willing to do anything to save the marriage.

[Locke2121]

Either one would work. In the end it doesn't matter, as long as the whole truth is brought out into the light. For God's sake man, fight for your woman, marriage and your life!

[adahy]

Don't wander aimlessly into a fight, if you don't know what you're fighting. That's fighting 101. Showing up at some man's door throwing accusations around, likely won't yield positive results.

 

Who knows..maybe there isn't a guy at all? Maybe your wife is full of crap and playing games. Her actions stink though...really bad. I can't imagine her taking YOUR daughter over to another man's house. As a guy that has dated single mothers, I know you usually don't meet the kids unless things are getting serious. As someone else said, if anything...she should invite him over to meet YOU.

[lostinwilderness]

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Regardless of the outcome you are in a very hard spot. I hope that you are wrong about your suspicions, and there is something honest and understandable going on.

 

However, I cannot really understand why after hearing how upset this man makes you she would not either completely terminate the relationship or at the least arrange for you two to meet. Until you both work this out there is NO acceptable reason for her to meet with him alone (I am struggling to think of a good enough reason for her to place her need to meet this stranger above your well based concerns at all).

 

I am not a fan of snooping, but you have enough reason to snoop just from her earlier lies. I would rather appologize later for snooping, than have her continue to play you (which saddly it sounds like she is doing).

 

Good luck and take care of yourself!