my room mates are slobs, and i am trapped! (a vent)

[deejay74]

first, before i get some advice, i need to make 1 thing clear - I CANNOT MOVE OUT BECAUSE I CANNOT AFFORD IT. I AM STUCK HERE

 

i have been living in this apartment since april. my friend from back home has been living here about a year before i moved in and a room became available. at the time it became available, i was still deep in a depression from the break up. the room is also $500/month compared to the $800/month i was paying in my old apartment. i wasn't friends with my old room mates and we never hung out and i wanted to get away from reminders of my ex and me. oh, my old room mates were all female and very clean.

 

i also took this apartment because i am friends with one of the tenants here. his name is "M". the lease holder has been living here for almost 5 years, his name is "A". before i moved in, i did notice how dirty the apartment was but i took the room also because M said he was a clean person and wanted someone else who was clean to move in. he said he couldn't battle 2 people who weren't clean. i was fooled.

 

i also wanted to say i am not a "NEAT FREAK". i am a regular person that wants the common areas (kitchen, den, and bathroom) clean and neat at all times. i don't care what they do in their rooms. the philosophy i have is that if everyone cleans up after themselves, than no one has to clean another person's mess. they keep complaining that they have to wash other people's dishes! well woopty-freakin-doo!! god forbid they have to wash someone else's dirty dish! i have washed a sinkload of dishes i didn't diry multiple times.

 

well, it seems that I am the only clean person, and since i moved in, i have cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, and den so much that it is like night and day from before i moved in. and you know what, it's still dirty as heck.

 

i am also the only one who ever lifts a finger to do chores. no one pulls their weight. i am pulling all the weight. i have tried to ask them to help more, i have gotten mad, i've been nice, i've asked what can i do to motivate them - i have tried EVERYTHING i can think of but nothing works!! i was almost kicked out of the apartment by A, the lease holder, because i complained about how little these 2 people do, or don't do. i am not on the lease, btw.

 

last july, i left town for a week. i purposely did not do the dishes or take the trash out to see if they would do anything. they didn't do sh*t!!! the same dishes (but more) and the same garbage (but more) was there. the first thing i had to do was to clean the kitchen when i got back from vacation.

 

i am at my wits end here. everyday i think about what mess i have to clean up before i even get home. i am embarrassed to bring friends/guests over because it's so dirty. i apologize to them before they come in. luckily, these people are smart enough to realize it's not me who's dirty because they see how clean my room is.

 

the excuses they give is that they're "too busy" but that's a load of BS. it only takes a few minutes to do the dishes, take out the trash, or whatever. it's not like it takes hours and hours to any one of those but they always use that excuse. my room mate was home for 4 days this weekend and didn't do a darn thing. yet he watched me do the dishes and other things.

 

what else can i do?? i have run out of ideas and i feel all this anger and frustration building up. it's also hurtful to me because they seem like the don't see how much this means to me, and it's not much to ask for. i feel like i'm their parents!! M is 36 and A is 27 or 28, so these aren't kids!!

 

i am at the point where i feel i need to take all my dishes, silverware, etc and leave them in my room, use them when i need to, and wash them right afterwards. it's also gotten to the point where i have to keep paper towels, TP, garbage bags, etc, in my room because they never buy those things either! i have NO IDEA how the lived here with out me!

 

i am NEVER living with guys again because every male i have lived with have been slobs. some worse than others.

[Locke2121]

Don't do a D@mn thing! You are only responsible for your own mess. Keep your room nice and neat, wash your own dishes and clean your own messes. If it takes the garbage getting up to their armpits for them to clean, then let it get that way! Heck, get your own set of dishes and keep them clean and store them in your room! Don't help them one little bit!

 

You are not their maid, but thats what they have let you become.

[deejay74]

Don't do a D@mn thing! You are only responsible for your own mess. Keep your room nice and neat, wash your own dishes and clean your own messes. If it takes the garbage getting up to their armpits for them to clean, then let it get that way! Heck, get your own set of dishes and keep them clean and store them in your room! Don't help them one little bit!

 

You are not their maid, but thats what they have let you become.

 

i have thought about this, but one thing i don't want to happen is to make things worse!

 

i have a feeling that if i do this, they would get mad and retaliate some how. how? i don't know, but i wouldn't put it past them.

 

also, i feel a bit childish to have to resort to this method. i would like to use this as a last resort.

 

in addition, my door knob is the typical bedroom knob with a hole where the keyhole is. i was thinking about changing it out so that i can use an actual key to lock my door. they might come into my room and look for dishes if i hide them here.

 

and since my name is not on the lease, "A" can kick me out at any time.

 

sometimes i think that i am getting upset over something trivial. but then, i think that living in a clean environment is not much to ask for. i honestly wish i could let this go and not let it get to me so much but i don't know how. if anyone thinks that i am making a big deal out of something relatively small, please tell me. then tell me how i can not let it affect me so much. thank you.

[onewithbooks]

Yes but its sad you pay as much rent as they do and when the trash is sky high, you feel like you cant have people over. I would keep dishes in your room and wash them and take them back. You dont want them to use your clean dishes and then you have to wash them before you can eat. Have you called a house meeting with these guys. Set up a chore system?

[deejay74]

Yes but its sad you pay as much rent as they do and when the trash is sky high, you feel like you cant have people over. I would keep dishes in your room and wash them and take them back. You dont want them to use your clean dishes and then you have to wash them before you can eat. Have you called a house meeting with these guys. Set up a chore system?

 

i've tried and tried. everytime i ask if we could work out a system, the suddenly become "busy" and can't talk to me about it.

 

the other problem area is the bathroom. it is impossible to clean just what i have messed up. the dirt is a cumulative effort. how can i clean just my mess off the sink, tub, or toilet.

 

and what if putting my dishes in my room backfires?

[iceman85]

I have the same problem. They think they are too good to do simple house chores because they have never had to do them in the past. Now i'm younger than you. I'm 21. But I just let it all go until they do something about it. At first I would tackle it, but I am not their mom and I am not going to clean their mess. I would suggest just letting it go, hard as that may be for you to let it be messy. Eventually they will have to do something.

[onewithbooks]

hmm try calling a house meeting so that everyone can talk about issues of the house. Not just the cleaning but overall. Do this when everyone is in a calm and happy mood, maybe even have a few beers while you are at it

 

The bathroom is a bad issue, and if they arent willing to help in cleaning it, you could be stuck. My brother refused to clean the toilet. I will clean everything else, but I feel like if I do the least he can do is clean that. He doesnt. I have resorted to not using that bathroom. I also have the luxury of living in a place where we have two toilets.

 

The dishes in your room could backfire, but if you feel like you have to then you have to do what you have to do. In terms of putting on a new doorknob will you have to get A's permission to do that?

[deejay74]

hmm try calling a house meeting so that everyone can talk about issues of the house. Not just the cleaning but overall.

 

The bathroom is a bad issue, and if they arent willing to help in cleaning it, you could be stuck. My brother refused to clean the toilet. I will clean everything else, but I feel like if I do the least he can do is clean that. He doesnt. I have resorted to not using that bathroom. I also have the luxury of living in a place where we have two toilets.

 

The dishes in your room could backfire, but if you feel like you have to then you have to do what you have to do. In terms of putting on a new doorknob will you have to get A's permission to do that?

 

well, the only problem with calling a house meeting is that all of our schedule's are vastly different. it's rare that all of us are in the house at the same time. and i think they'd know why i was calling a meeting because i have tried that before.

 

as far as putting a lock on my door, i don't need A's permission. sh*t, for the amount of work i have contributed to this apartment, i'd better not need his approval!

 

you're lucky to have a second bathroom. i sooooooo miss my old apartment because i had the master bedroom with MY OWN BATHROOM!!!

[onewithbooks]

as far as putting a lock on my door, i don't need A's permission. sh*t, for the amount of work i have contributed to this apartment, i'd better not need his approval

 

 

Yeah but by the same token you dont want to get called out for it either,

 

There isnt anytime when all three of you are together? Could you maybe shoot them an e-mail about. You could say that with the conflicting schedules you thought this would be a better medium. Outline all your points and see how they respond.

[deejay74]

Yeah but by the same token you dont want to get called out for it either,

 

There isnt anytime when all three of you are together? Could you maybe shoot them an e-mail about. You could say that with the conflicting schedules you thought this would be a better medium. Outline all your points and see how they respond.

 

true...

 

there are times, but it's rare. usually late nights or odd hours during the week. "A" is currently out of town, and is often, and "M" is at work and won't be home 'til 9pm.

 

i have emailed them both, granted it was always about chores, so maybe if i carefully construct the email, it may work. but it can't be the only thing i discuss because i know that will turn them off.

[onewithbooks]

That sounds like a plan, and when you do talk about it, be open.

 

You could say something like

 

Hey guys I know you are busy and in the next few weeks things are going to be busy for me as well. I know that we havent always seen eye to eye on matters of housekeeping around here, but I want to put out the olive branch. I have a few ideas for something that might work, but I want your suggestions and input. I dont want you to think that once I lay out an idea its set in stone. what if we went on a weekly system. You pick whatever day of the week to clean, what ever is convenient for you. M if you think that you could clean the bathroom on Mondays, I will be happy to take Wednesday and A if you want Sat, its yours. We could do the same for the kitchen and other common areas.

 

Here is the thing, we are all busy, no doubt about that. I respect your guy's schedule and I think that if we all pitched in and did 10 min (you could set a timer if you want, lol) in whatever spot you have assigned for that day then we could all enjoy a clean place to stay and hang out and bring friends over. Plus by all of us pitching in a little then we would never have a ginormous mess to clean, cause who wants to do that.

 

Thanks for taking the time to hear me out. I appreciate it, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

 

 

 

What do you think about that?

[thyroxine]

I know exactly how you feel...especially when my other roommate used to live here (she moved out and left her mess for me to clean up...as usual.) I try hard to keep the house clean, and I still do. I gave up on not doing anything because then nothing was done. If anything, I'd have *their* parents talk to me about keeping the house clean because I'm the "responsible" one. I was also working two jobs (one 15 hours a week, the other 40) while going to school full time. Their reasoning was the same as your roommates: they were too busy. I know that over the summer, my roommates had nothing to do.

 

Before I start ranting too much, I'll tell you my solution: look for a cheaper place, and keep up light house work so you don't have roaches. I've tried talking to them, but it does nothing. After living like this for two years, our lease is ending in August and I'm off to find my own place...I can't wait to live on my own and deal with my own mess!

[deejay74]

it sounds really good but in my experience, my room mates haven't yet responded to any email where i posed questions about chores. i've asked similar, but not worded exactly like yours, emails with no repsonse whatsoever.

 

but your email is worded very well, so i may try and use it as an example.

 

here's the last email i sent about asking them to help out, this was back in november. tell me what you think:

 

"Hey guys!

 

At our last meeting a couple of weeks ago, when we were all getting f’ed up, both of you expressed your desires to get our apartment cleaned up and I was very excited to hear that.

 

So when can we start?! I would love to start getting things cleaned up but I really need your help. What can I do to help you guys get motivated? I know it’s not fun or pleasant to do, but I think both of you would agree it has to be done. The sooner we start, the sooner it will get done.

 

Correct me if I am wrong, the only “assignment” we agreed upon was it’s M’s turn to scrub the bathtub.

 

If I were here over the holiday break, I would’ve started on the kitchen but obviously I wasn’t here. I think we need to get a bigger container for all the bottles because there’s always so many sprawled out on the kitchen floor, which doesn’t make it look clean or nice. It’s kind of out of control now.

 

Anyway, I really would like to get all of this done but I don’t want to nag or get into arguments over it. As I said, I am all ears with suggestions to get you motivated to accomplish what we all want. It’s needed immensely! So please let me know what I can do to help.

 

I am not mad at all, so hopefully this doesn’t come accross that way. And I know my previous efforts to motivate you both failed and perhaps it wasn’t the best way to go about it. Again, I am open to suggestions on how to get all of us to stay on top of what needs to be done.

 

Thanks for hearing me out, and if I have upset any of you in anyway, it’s completely not intentional."

 

do you see what i mean. this is my last attempt...

[Dako]

For 25 bucks, you can buy a doorknob of the same make (Schlage, Kwikset, whatever) as the existing one, and with ten minutes and a screwdriver, have a lockable door.

 

I had a roomie that was not only a slob, but a drug dealing pervert.

I kept everything in my room and saved up to escape. I realize you live in a pricey locale, but surely there are less disgusting room mates in the area.

 

You deserve a little tranquility, D.

[onewithbooks]

Wow that message is very eager beaver! I had roomates like yours once and I approached them that way and it backfired. Looking back I should have taken a more casual approach. Something like this....

 

"Hey guys!

 

At our last meeting a couple of weeks ago, when we were all getting f’ed up, both of you expressed your desires to get our apartment cleaned up and I was glad to hear that.

 

It will be nice to have a cleaner apartment. I know it’s not fun or pleasant to do, but I think both of you would agree it has to be done. Plus there would be less stress for us all.

 

I know we agreed it was M's turn to do the tub, and I will do the kitchen, A, what's your pick?

 

I think getting a bigger container for all the bottles might be a good idea because there’s so many sprawled out on the kitchen floor, I think I can get one cheap at the store.

 

Anyway, I really would like to get all of this done but I don’t want to nag or get into arguments over it. As I said, I am all ears with suggestions. It’s needed immensely! So please let me know what I can do to help, so we can all have a better living space.

 

Thanks for hearing me out, and if I have upset any of you in anyway, it’s completely not intentional."