I can't move on even after 9 months of no contact

[Aerozeppelin]

It's been 9 months since my breakup and from the first day of my breakup No Contact was initiated. I'm still not healing, I'm still not over it, I still can't accept it and I still want him back. I've already done therapy and read all these books about healing, I've tried to exercise, see friends, etc. I still miss him and I still want him back in my life.

 

I don't feel like I'll ever heal until he comes back. He hates me for breaking up with him in the first place (this guy has a lot of pride btw and is really really stubborn) and won't talk to me but I feel like he's hurt and needs time but it's been 9 months now. I must be in denial. How do I move on????

 

 

"The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you."

[Zaphod]

Are you saying you want him back?

Why did you split up with him?

 

This is a more uncommon one IMHO - the dumper wants the dumpee back.

Hmmmm..... give us more info.

[Aerozeppelin]

Yes, I want him back. I split because I needed time apart to figure out things and we were in a time of transition after graduating college, there were various stresses. I wanted time apart to just think but he said if I move out then he's considering it over and I still left because I really wanted the time to myself. After just a month apart I wanted to talk to him and rehash but he wouldn't hear me out at all. He was too angry and it's just stayed that way with him ignoring me ever since. I've been putting myself down every day for impulsively leaving him like that. Together for 3.5 years by the way.

[Aerozeppelin]

I'm sorry but I don't really want to talk about details of why we broke up, I just really need advice on how you admit to yourself it's done and move on.

The fact of the matter now is it's been 9 months apart and he hasn't shown me any signs yet of missing me and won't talk to me. So of course a normal person would consider it completely over and move on but I just feel deep in my gut that it's not over, that I just need to give him more time. I never knew how much emotional damage all of this would cause me. Sometimes I wonder how I will ever be happy again.

[Zaphod]

Oh dear.

 

All you can do is what you can do - things are beyond your control to a point.

 

The only thing I'd do in that situation is try to contact him by whatever means necessary. If you feel that strongly for him, you have to take the risk if you want him back, of laying it on the line and him rejecting you.

 

Seeing as you are the dumper I would say this - if my ex who dumped me a few weeks ago wanted me back, it simply wouldn't do for her to say "Can we get back together" - she would have a lot of explaining to do, and even then I'm not really sure I would take her back to be honest. I think you will have to get yourself in a communicative mood to be honest with him and talk to him about things - how is he to know you're not just gonna dump him again? How does he know that you're sincere this time?

You have to communicate these things with him at some point.

 

If he genuinely understands and respects the reason why you finished it, and if you can persuade him that you're "into" him then you've given it a good chance. If then he still rejects you then...... well tough luck, you'll just have to swallow it I'm afraid, it takes two to tango.

 

It might pay to try and find out whetehr he's attached first somehow, I don't know how you'd do that......

Just a personal opinion.

[luxe_13]

Healing is hard. It took me over a year to get over my ex. who dumped me. Time is the only healer. And you know what? It does get better. I now have absolutely no feelings for my ex at all even though he has recently been contacting me again. It's such an invigorating feeling!! So don't worry, just keep doing what you're doing and you WILL heal. I promise!!

[Zaphod]

I wish someone would tell me to try and contact my ex by any means necessary. All I seem to get is maintain NC. My ex broke up with me by the way. But no one has any idea how important she is to me.

 

Perhaps if you contacted her and got rebutted again this would persuade you to forget it?

 

Perhaps you need to be suckerpunched again?

 

I think NC is good, but only if you really want it - then you have to stick to it.

 

However if you feel NC is not giving you closure then from past experience of being hung up on women, I found the best thing was face the embarrassment, brace yourself for another rejection, and lay it on the line again.

You're lining yourself up for a massive hit, but if you think you can take it, then perhaps it might give you the closure you need.

 

ONLY if you reckon you're hard enough though.

 

Personally I am in NC with my ex atm because we agreed a couple of weeks, and also I'm not sure quite what I think of her - I need to step back a bit.

But I can't imagine us going months without talking - even if it's to agree not to talk again.

Depends on what you've agreed with your ex - if you agree NC then realise contact is gonna rank them off slightly.

[boston23]

Hi Aerozeppelin-

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time with it! 3.5 years is a long time to be with someone and it definitely can take a lot of time to get over the loss.

 

As Zaphod mentioned, you might try to contact him one last time, if you really feel you need to. We preach NC for dumpees (and dumpers, I suppose) on this forum, but the caveat is "NC...unless the ex comes back and really proves that they want to get back together." The dumpee then can decide on what they want to do. You have to realize that the relationship (if it did end up going that way) would be difficult and the fact that he's stubborn here and holding a grudge does not really bode well for a relationship (b/c he would likely to continue holding onto those feelings). Recognize too that it's likely he won't respond and you could feel worse about having tried again.

 

It sounds like you're going both ways...on the one hand you really want to get back together with him, on the other hand you really want to get over all of this and move on. But you can't move on until you get past the fact that you really want to get back together, so you need to figure why getting back together is not a good idea and why it's a good idea to move on.

 

Recognize that the decision to break up with him was a good decision and let go of the anger that you have at yourself. Yes, you might feel you made it hastily, but you made the decision because you needed to, and the fact that you did it quickly means that you really felt you needed to, not that you didn't think it through. The relationship could not have continued at that point, so realize you did nothing wrong.

 

You've probably put him and the relationship you had with him on a pedestal. The fact that you state he is stubborn belies the fact that he is somewhat immature...and I'm sure that there are more issues that you could also come up with. I think that maybe you've painted yourself as the "bad guy" and that he's the "good guy." You don't need to make him into the bad guy, but you need to see yourself as the "good guy" again. You did the right thing.

 

Just some thoughts. Don't know if they're helpful at all and I'm not sure if I'm on target, but just thought I would put in my 2 cents

[shikashika]

you say you've done NC for 9 months? and that didn't work for you?

 

So clearly, NC did not work for you.. as it does not for many people.

 

 

why don't you try contacting him..

 

I think NC is far too popular advice on here..

 

Maybe because you spent 9 months without contacting him.. he gave up..

 

NC is not the way to go if you want to get back together.

[Aerozeppelin]

thanks for the advice you guys, boston23 is actually dead-on with some things he/she said and even had me questioning for a second if the person knows me...just wow

 

I love how insightful everyone is on the board and it gets me thinking all the time

 

I've decided to continue NC until he ever wants to contact me himself because I feel like any attempts by me will be ignored. If he's ready, he'll show me by contacting me. I feel like by the time he does, I've harbored a lot of resentment though for putting me through this emotional wreckage by not forgiving me.

 

The ex is seeming more and more immature to me when I think about it and I think it is really true that I felt the relationship couldn't continue at that point, I had an overwhelming sense of wanting to get away.

 

I hope you keep the posts coming, everyone, gives me info to stew on.

[shikashika]

I'm just curious why you think HE is being immature when YOU are the one that broke up with him?

[Aerozeppelin]

ouch

 

well he put all the blame on me for the relationship going sour and has refused to sit down and have a civilized conversation about what happened because as far as he's concerned, it was all my fault anyway, nothing to discuss

 

and even when I sincerely apologized and said to him ok fine, I do take the blame and I want so hard to try to work things out with him again he just is acting like a kid giving me the silent treatment

 

thereforeeee why I see him as immature in all this

[Openheart1]

aero,

 

First off, as the dumper, you have very little room to complain about the immaturity and inability to "sit down and have a civilized conversation." As one who broke up with him, you basically said him that he is not important enough to keep in your life and that you were incapable of dealing with whatever stresses that were in the relationship, thus you broke it off. As the dumper, you cannot blaim him for any reaction to the breakup he went through, as he is no longer obligated to care at all how you perceive him. While some of the breakup might have been his fault, YOU and ONLY YOU were the one who broke it off. You can blame him for the breakup, but he did not give up on the relationship. Now, that is not to say that he is right when he puts the blame on you. Putting blame on someone you love is a sure way to sabotage any relationship, as it denotes a level of competition and vindictiveness. In essense, what may be immature to you could be a defense mechanism and justified reaction given the torture that being a dumpee must endure. As the dumper, you have an obligation to put away all of your critiques of the other person if you are intent on being back together with him, plain and simple. If you are telling him he is immature or believe that is the case, that does not bode well for any relationship you have in the future.

 

I do not feel good being so blunt, but the reality is there. Good luck.

[shikashika]

ouch

 

well he put all the blame on me for the relationship going sour and has refused to sit down and have a civilized conversation about what happened because as far as he's concerned, it was all my fault anyway, nothing to discuss

 

and even when I sincerely apologized and said to him ok fine, I do take the blame and I want so hard to try to work things out with him again he just is acting like a kid giving me the silent treatment

 

 

 

thereforeeee why I see him as immature in all this

 

Doesn't matter if you apologised 1000 times.. He's not acting immature or like a little kid.. it just sounds like you are just upset because he's not acting how you want him to act.

 

If this guy came on to ENA to ask for advice.. he is acting the way most people on here would tell him to act towards you.

 

Why do you think giving you the silent treatment is him acting like a little kid?

 

I see nothing wrong with how he is acting.. it sounds like he is actually beng quite mature.

 

When you dumped him, you were essentially saying" yeh i've had a look at you and the relationship.. I do not want it anymore".

 

He is doing exactly what you wanted. Not being there.

 

you can't expect him to start talking to you again just because you changed your mind

[Aerozeppelin]

I know that this message board is usually very harsh on a dumper because a lot of people come here having been dumped but I loved him very much and I have spent a lot of time questioning why I left to begin with and admitted all of that to him. I've suffered a lot of agony and guilt for leaving and wanted to work things out in as little time as a month later. His rejection has in essense made ME the dumpee now. I have felt like he dumped me for 8 months now.

 

I understand what you are trying to say about how it makes someone feel when you break up with them. I want you to know that I have spent a long time feeling bad about breaking up in the first place so there's virtually nothing you can say to me that I haven't already said to myself and felt depressed about.

 

I appreciate the bluntness but please let's keep the attacking to a minimum because it was already hard for me to make a thread about this and now I feel like shying away from the board.

[Aerozeppelin]

Doesn't matter if you apologised 1000 times.. He's not acting immature or like a little kid.. it just sounds like you are just upset because he's not acting how you want him to act.

 

If this guy came on to ENA to ask for advice.. he is acting the way most people on here would tell him to act towards you.

 

Why do you think giving you the silent treatment is him acting like a little kid?

 

I see nothing wrong with how he is acting.. it sounds like he is actually beng quite mature.

 

When you dumped him, you were essentially saying" yeh i've had a look at you and the relationship.. I do not want it anymore".

 

He is doing exactly what you wanted. Not being there.

 

you can't expect him to start talking to you again just because you changed your mind

 

 

I think his behavior is childish because I feel that he still loves me but is trying to punish me or something. I know you're going to ask how I know he loves me but I just feel it. I'm not expecting him to talk to me because I've changed my mind, but I know that if he gave me the chance to explain things better we could try things again.

[Aerozeppelin]

And I'm not that stupid, I realize hey it's been a while, yeah maybe he is just completely over you, so that's why I made this thread

 

after you've realized your mistakes and tried so hard to get back together and nothing's happened, how do you accept it? how do you begin to tell yourself that you will love again? things like that

[Zaphod]

I think his behavior is childish because I feel that he still loves me but is trying to punish me or something. I know you're going to ask how I know he loves me but I just feel it. I'm not expecting him to talk to me because I've changed my mind, but I know that if he gave me the chance to explain things better we could try things again.

 

The only way really you can break the games playing cycle is to refuse to play games yourself and hope that the ther person eventually follows suit.

A bit like if you both had a gun pointed at each others heads at the same time. One of you's gotta make the first move, shoot the other person or put the gun down.

All you can do is be sincere with him, be polite, and prove you are sincere by not just giving up. Howeer don't "not give up" to the point where you are harrasing him/ making a fool out of yourself.

 

Have you considered writing him a letter for example?

[Openheart1]

aero,

 

I understand your point of view and I do apologize if it appears we are attacking you. However, that is exactly what he has gone through when you dumped him. You MUST try to understand his position and why it might be difficult to trust you or even talk to you any longer. Being thrown away, which is exactly what breaking up with someone is, is one of the worst feelings a person can go through. Of course, I can acknowledge that you have felt guilt and slight depression, which is unfortunate. However, he must know that you are FIRM in your belief that you love him.

 

To be honest, after nine months, my suggestion is that you write him a sincere, 1 page (not more than one page) letter illustrating your exact feelings and intentions. That will allow him to read it, analyze it, and reflect on it. Give him time without any attempts to contact him. If he makes contact, wonderful. Take it slow and be accepting, because that will be when the challenge begins. Since you basically gained all of the power when you broke up, he has to have some way of regaining a sense of balance in his own mind, however superficial that may seem. If he doesn't respond, unfortunately the only medicine is to drive yourself through the hell that going through a breakup is. Using this site is a nice start. When is the last time you talked to him by phone or face to face?

[Aerozeppelin]

last I talked to him face to face was the night of what would have been our 4 year anniversary back in late october

 

the whole thing just turned into him calling me names, accusing me of things left and right and just being sad

 

he got so emotional about it all that he just walked away and that was that all of a sudden, he went to the car and drove away and didn't respond to my phone calls later

 

and so I've taken it as ok fine he needs more time and he's just hurt, I can't accept after so long together and being as close as we were that this is the end of it all, it doesn't seem real

[Aerozeppelin]

oh and that was the second contact I had with him from the time of the breakup...first being a month after the breakup

 

I feel that I've told him everything already and so nothing I write now will be new from a few months ago, so I think he needs to be the one to say something back and he just hasn't

[celene]

I hope you are feeling better. First, if you keep telling yourself that you cannot live without him, then you cant. There is nothing much you can do to change someone else's choices. But when I broke up with my first boyfriend and I was unable to get over him for a while, no one told me, it was ok to not have gotten over him and that it takes time. It does take a lot of time, hang in there. But there was something that helped me to get over him. Its when I got to know he was dating someone. I know this sounds horrible, but it does really help to know if he's dating someone or not. If he's moved on and he's dating somone, it will come as a shock to you, you will feel miserable for a week or two and then you realize its truly, truly over...Ask mutual friends if he has started to date someone...I am only asking you to do this becuse you wanted to know how to move on. This really helped for me....

[houdini]

Hello,

 

I've been kind of going through the same situation as you and your ex although I'm the dumpee my ex has stated she wants to be alone as she has 3 kids, a new job position and is starting back at college again so the stress of a long distance relationship and the stress of having to make a choice whether to move to California (Where I live with my 2 daughters) was to much for her to handle and her words to me yesterday was "Right now I want to be alone" It does make me angry because we have a son together and I know that is not the same situation with you and your ex either way it's abandonement and who likes to feel that they've been abandoned by the person they love and want to devote their lives to. If say 3 or 4 months down the road my ex realizes she made mistake, that she had a man that loved her, our son and her two daughters from a previous marriage I'd be really reluctant,scared,terrified and confused on what to do and whether i should go back because we dont know what your intentions are or if you're only acting the way you are based on "wanting something you can't have" or "true love" So can sense that there is alot fear, anger and resentment on his part and if he is seeing someone or if he's not he will always love you. My advice to you and I'm far from being an expert on this topic especially being the dumpee.... I would let him know how you feel, don't be needy just express your true feelings, regrets and put everything out in the open as to how you feel and leave the rest to him and keep moving forward... Once you place the ball in his court there is nothing you can do other than go on with your life and see if he returns the favor.... It's sad how alot of relatinships are based on games, lack of dedication and how people tend to feel the grass is greener on the other side whether it be alone or with someone else... What happened to the good ol' days when our parents were young and the word "Divorce", "Separation" or "Breaking up" would never be mentioned...now that's a true relationship and true love..... What has society taught us about relationships!!!!! Hope this helps and It's good to hear you point of view on things because I feel my ex is feeling now what you felt in the beginning of your breakup so your input is much appreciated!!!!

[Belle]

Aero,

 

I think you've gotten quite a bit of good advice here. I can totally relate to your ex. And I think that you're looking at things strictly from your point of view, your hurts, your needs. That's a bit selfish. The fact that he was still very angry with you in October, after 4 months post breakup, belies the hurt you caused him. If he didn't care, he wouldn't have bothered being angry. I think you're right. I believe he probably still does love you. Anger tends to be a tell tale sign. But his stubborness isn't what you think. He's afraid of you. And for good reason. I understand that you just needed some time to yourself to figure things out. But some people don't handle the same information the same way. Some would give you teh space you need and withdraw peacefully. They would hurt and grieve. Maybe they'd give it another chance. Maybe not. But he was very hurt. It sounds like this came out of left field for him. You hurt him, wounded his pride, and I do not get the impression that you have acknowledged this to him.

 

I think one last shot via letter to validate his feelings and let him know that you truly are sorry that you've caused him pain would be a really good idea. It works more than being defensive that the person is immature for not giving you what you want. If you want to change the way the communication is going (NC in your case is going absolutely nowhere), you're going to have to set an example and DISARM this guy. If that means being vulnerable and apologetic, so be it. Whatever you write, make sure it's non inflammatory, accepts responsibility for everything, yes everything (later if he gets it through his head, he'll apologize for treating you poorly, I promise) and validates how he feels. It's pretty hard to be defensive and angry at someone who does these things. ANd I believe he's defensive and angry with you because you come accross even in your post as not accepting responsibility for hurting him. He can smell it too and it's just ticking him off more.

 

And if he's still angry, you've done what you needed to do to be able to move on. But I would use NC only when you know it's over. I don't believe NC applies here.

[iceman85]

Aero. First off I love your user name, two of the best bands ever.

 

About your breakup. I think that he was really hurt by the breakup. I can tell you that he doesnt forget about you. 3.5 years with someone, you cant just erase that, i feel that you think he can just push you out of his mind. He cant do that.

 

I didnt read all the posts so i'm not sure how old you are. Depending on where you both are in life, he may want to focus on something besides a relationship, he probably is worried about getting hurt again.

 

I am 9 months past my relationship too. I still care about my ex, but she dumped me. I went into NC around October like you. She contacted me about 2 months later and we fought. I thought I would never hear from her again.

 

She contacted me on valentines day. I can tell you that they wont ever forget about you. Its not easy to get over someone. Im not saying you have to do that. I think you should just be happy with everything else you have around you at the moment and see what happens. It may take him awhile to contact you again. He needs to make the first move to talk again to show that hes ready to talk to you.

 

I feel like if you contacted him, it would lead where it did before.