Exhusband just got engaged...

[neverbethesame]

Hi,

I am new to this forum. I am 32 yrs old and have a 10 year old daughter with my exhusband. We divorced 3 years ago, but remained friends over the past 3 years. I mean, we talk everyday. There have been times that I have gone out drinking with him and his girlfriend ( the one he left me for). It took awhile after the divorce for me to let the anger go, but eventually I did. So, right when we separated, he immediatley moved in with this girl. Their relationship has continued over the past three years, with the exception of a couple of break ups. Well, I just found out that he proposed to her. I am sooo hurt by this and don't know why. She has a problem with me and him being friends, and has made that very clear to him. I don't think she likes the fact that i will ALWAYS have a bond with him, because we have a child together. I decided to sever our relationship yesterday, because I feel it's only going to cause problems in the long run.

For some reason, he doesn't want to sever the friendship. He just keeps telling me he'll take care of the issue of her not liking us to hang out. Well, I think it's best, for all, that we don't. Why would my ex want to stay friends? Sometimes, I feel that he wants to keep me in his life for security reasons. I don't know. How do you all feel about being friends with the ex, and actually hanging out. I am very close to his parents, and we actually still spend xmas together, minus his girlfriend, because we want to celebrate together for my daughter. ANY insight on this would be great. Good or bad.

Thanks.

[Dako]

He may just want to have a good friendship with his child's mother. I had a friend who divorced and eventually became friends with the ex hand her husband. They even have holidays together at the couple's home.

 

I still consider my ex a good friend, but have no interest in her beyond that. The guy she's seeing a good man.

[treefrogkate]

I can see why his fiancee would be uncomfortable with your friendship, especially if you celebrate christmas together without her. Can you come to an agreement (i.e. that you will celebrate christmas separately, and cut out the drinking buddies thing)? I would think that instead of making your daughter feel better, it might be confusing to her to have her parents together on the holidays ("maybe they'll get back together!"), and not seeing her dad with the woman who is going to be her step-mother.

 

It's fine to have a good relationship with him, but maybe you both need to set some boundaries so that everyone involved is comfortable.

[lady00]

Well I'd say if she's uncomfortable it's just something she has to accept. She knew what she was getting into...people with children do and should always be friends with their co-parents even after they split up. I don't see any other way of successfully raising a child together without being friends and being in frequent contact. Usually I try to be as understanding as possible of people's feelings but in this case, I think it is a unique situation. You are the mother of his child and I think his fiancee just needs to accept the idea that you'll be friends with your ex and you'll contact him about your child.

 

I do think it's fair for her to expect you not to go overboard with the friendship but as long as the contacts concern your child and as long as your ex is not not hiding anything from her about the contacts between you two, I really think there is nothing more you can do. She just has to come to terms with it.

[puppeteer]

hey never,

 

 

yeah you are in a tough spot...however...i don't think you have much choice in this matter.

 

the fact is you have a child with this man. as such you both have a responsibility to the child, which the new wife is going to have to live with, like it or not.

 

you don't have to have a relationship with him outside of that, but you do have to be able to communicate with him and both make choices that best affect the life of your child.

 

just my thoughts...

[neverbethesame]

I can see why his fiancee would be uncomfortable with your friendship, especially if you celebrate christmas together without her. Can you come to an agreement (i.e. that you will celebrate christmas separately, and cut out the drinking buddies thing)? I would think that instead of making your daughter feel better, it might be confusing to her to have her parents together on the holidays ("maybe they'll get back together!"), and not seeing her dad with the woman who is going to be her step-mother.

 

It's fine to have a good relationship with him, but maybe you both need to set some boundaries so that everyone involved is comfortable.

 

It is HER choice not to join us for the holidays. I have always giver her an invitation. She spends the holidays with her children by herself because my exhusband "doesn't want ot be bothered" with her kids. I have not gone out drinking with them in a long time, but there have been quite a few times that just he and I have drank together, or he would just show up at my house for somewhere to sleep, as the two of them have got into a fight.

When she got together with my ex, he and I were still married and living together. I happened to go to my parents house for the weekend to clear my mind, and this woman slept in MY bed, and my house.

SO, I believe she knew what she was getting into when she got involved. She wants him to move far away from me and his daughter because she thinks that we might be sleeping together, which has never happened. When you get together with a man that's still married, I'm sorry, but that should be a red flag thatyou'll be cheated on, too. And he has cheated on her a couple of times, just not with me. I couldn't believe he proposed to her! I'm heartbroken about this. I know he doesn't love her, he just can't be alone.

[neverbethesame]

I don't know why, I just feel the need to explain myself in reguards to you getting your bike out, and my feeling the need to sever ties. You are probably assuming that I am now going to make your life miserable because your marrying ******. This IS NOT the case. I truly wanted for everyone to get along, and I truly did consider you my friend. My best friend. I, however, do not feel that I am a friend to you. I feel that you keep me in your life to make YOUR life easier. You remain friendly with me to avoid any conflicts, because if there is conflict with me, whose going to be there to watch the dog, store the bike, and most of all....have our daughter on the days it's not convenient for you to? I never minded doing nice things for you, never. But, you are choosing to start a new life with someone that does not accept our friendship, and wants you away from me. Us remaining friends will only cause conflict. Unneeded conflict. My plate is already full enough. The last thing I would need is you and her coming to pick up the bike, and me getting yet another dirty look. I have never done anything wrong to her, and never would. But I think it's best, for everyone involved, for us to not be so chummy. That will also avoid conflicts between the two of you. I want you to be happy. I truly do, your my daughters father, and I want you to have a good life. This does not mean that I am going to turn into a * * * * * to you, or be rotten, or deceiving. I will still be civil, because there's no reason for me not to. I don't hate you by no means. But, for my benefit, also, I have to step back. I just feel that I am used and taken advantage by you. I, also, have allowed that to happen. My nice gestures are not appreciated, they are taken for granted. I can't deal with it anymore. I don't know if I'm making sense to you at all, but I hope it makes some sense. I feel like I have lost my best friend, but you know as well as I do, that it's just going to cause problems. Don't even waste your energy "taking care of this issue" with *******, like you keep telling me. I really don't care what she thinks of me. I really don't. But, I do want you to have a good life.

I wish you the best.

 

 

HIS RESPONSE

Just chill out, and stop digging . Remember that I am 10 years older than you, and my worst fears are to suffer and die of cancer, or be old and lonely because I'm to impossible to live with like my mother. I worked my * * * off to get my first house and finally build one. And I lost everything and went bankrupt because an * * * * * * * like Ed was so much more important. I don't want to be alone, and it's time for me to start over and try to get a little bit of what I had back. A fixer upper house at 40 sucks, but thats all that I can do, and I feel lucky about it. The last thing that I need is you messing with me, and as far as I'm concerned, nothing changes, your still my daughters mom and my close friend. I never have and never will use you. As goofy as it sounds, I ask you to do things sometimes, because I want you to feel needed. Do you really think that I needed to keep my bike in your garage? Think about it. Chill out and let me take care of the issues, in the end, there won't be any. Have a little faith, and stop talking to me like I'm dead. I'm am very much here and still a part of your life......

 

SO, HOW SHOULD I TAKE THIS?????? P.S. Ed is a guy I cheated with towards the end of our marriage, but He cheated on me twice before that.

[neverbethesame]

why do you call yourself "neverbethesame"? There's a script for perpetual unhappiness. Here's an idea - make it true. Never be the same; be BETTER. Find joy in your life... an excellent start would be by putting your ex-husband in your dust. Restart your life on your own terms. Get a hobby, work on your physical fitness, focus on your own concerns, move away from the painful past. Start now honey.

 

Actually, I have re-started my life. i quit smoking a month ago...YEAH!!!!!, and joined a gym, and am dieting. I've already lost 7 lbs, so I'm very excited!

[treefrogkate]

Thanks for clarifying. I thought it was his decision not to include her in the holidays, and based my answer on that.

 

It sounds like she is being really selfish and childish. She needs to understand that you are always going to be in his life in some way because of your daughter.

 

I wouldn't allow him to make comments like "I lost everything and went bankrupt because an ******* like Ed was so much more important". You've both made your mistakes, and now that it's over, those things don't matter. The only thing that matters is your daughter.

 

I agree with your limiting your contact with him to only those occasions necessary for the raising and caring of your child. Any other social situations are probably a bad idea, and there's no reason you should subject yourself to dirty looks from his fiancee.

[bitbybit]

I thought your email to him stated your opinion quite well -- his response was a bit weird -- stick to your guns and follow your plan as set out in your email -- to me it sounds like your ex is emotionally black-mailing you . . . .

[BeStrongBeHappy]

here is your problem, you say: 'I'm heartbroken about this. I know he doesn't love her, he just can't be alone.'

 

you say you are 'friends', and if you are just friends, why are you heartbroken and seeing this woman as competition or feeling the need to say he doesn't love her? i think deep down you still want to retain a romantic connection with him, and it seems that all he wants to maintain a friendship with his ex to keep his life easier for himself, and somewhere to hang out and piss his fiance off about whenever he has a fight with her...

 

but the reality is that he always goes back to her, and is now engaged to her, and will soon be married to her.

 

but you do seem to want more from this friendship and are more invested in it than he is. he wrote a self pitying and blaming response to your email, but made it very clear that he is moving on in terms of his life, and thinks that you are not trying to move on yourself and need to chill out where he is concerned.. (are you dating, have you dated, and how much time do you spend thinking about him? these are all clues that you are not really trying to move on and get your own life away from him).

 

so i think what you really need to do is to accept that the marriage is over, and you have your own life to live now, without him in it other than as your daughter's father.

 

you need to expand your circle outside of him and his family, and be civil and continue on the path you started, which is to NOT associate with him other than for issues related to your child (exchanging for visitation, etc.). you don't need to be rude or tense with him, but you do need to really move on, and not get into emotional discussions or anything else with him. he has been gone a long time, is marrying someone else, and it is time for you to move on and get yourself a full and happy life that doesn't include him in it in a big way.

 

this sounds harsh, but really, you are trying to hang onto something that is long gone emotionally, and not just for the sake of being friends, or it wouldn't upset you so much at this point. you have to put that marriage to rest and not use your connection to him via your daughter as an excuse to keep waiting or hoping or hanging onto him. just spend time now building your own life, without him at the center of it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So he cheated on you with this woman he is going to marry...cheated in YOUR bed. He stays close friends with you while he is with her and runs back to stay with you when he has a fight with her. To top it off, he writes that he doesn't want to be alone because he is afraid of getting sick, and reminds you that he is 10 years older than you. This guy has major personality issues. He doesn't seem capable of love...only, using people. He is also very obnoxious. He wants to keep his bike in your garage so that YOU will feel needed. PLEASE, give me a break. He is full of you know what! This man is not worth your time and energy. His new wife is in for a really rough ride and that has already started long before the marriage. Look at it this way, he is a loser, he is marrying a loser and, at least on his side, he is getting married for all the wrong reasons...he wants a nursemaid. Your feelings are probably tied in with the fact that it hurts that the woman he cheated on you with is going to marry him. It is a blow to your ego and a very natural reaction. It doesn't necessarily mean you still love him and want to get back with him (maybe a piece of you had hoped for that scenario), but it means that the two of them did the dirty on you and seem to have it all fall into place for them. Well, looks are deceiving. This will likely not be a very happy and fulfilling union for either of them. Anyone can get married...the trick is being happily married and staying married. While they wallow in misery, you have the chance to meet someone who is actually capable of love and compassion.