What rape did to you?

[EvaGina]

I was just really, really shocked at the realisation of how many people have been raped. It was brought up in another thread and we all know its disgusting.

 

I was wondering, what happened to you after you were taken advantage of? Can anyone else learn from your experiences?

 

Personally, I have been raped by 3 different men, in different circumstances. One of which was my long time bf.

 

After coming to the realisation of what has happened to me (I was in denial for years) I have managed to stem the amazingly unhealthy sex life I was leading and I am a much stronger person becuase of it now.

 

I do get a bit weird about sex every now and then, but I know I would kill someone before letting them do that to me again, and I wouldnt fall apart like I did before.

 

There is still a lot of anger about it, when I say I would kill, I mean it, I would take out everything I feel towards those other men on him and I would be surprised if he was recognisable afterwards.

 

Whew, ok, that was kinda hard to write, but if anyone thinks it would help them to put out their story, or to ask questions of any of us that have gone through it... I thought this thread could be of use

[isisastaria]

I hear you, Eva....

 

There is nothing more infuriating to me than sexual abuse. I was raped when I was 15 and have never been quite the same. More or less just angry. I am a loving person most of the time, but get so angry at men. After the rape, I blamed myself. Then I ended up sleeping with multiple partners (but never more than one at a time). I would have sex with my boyfriends although I didn't want to. I had an "oh well" attitude.... like "I've already lost my virginity and my dignity...what else is there to lose?"

 

Since then I just sometimes have to fight very disturbing thoughts during sex with my fiancee. This is just so I can enjoy it. I start to think of almost anything to distract myself during sex...and I end up trying very hard to just focus on him and how much I love him. That seems to work alright.

[isisastaria]

I think the law should kill sexual offenders. I don't know if you realize it, but in the US juries often let off people who end up killing the abuser. I don't believe in killing. I just believe in stopping the cycle, abuse, and insanity

[isisastaria]

BTW Part of my blaming myself was the whole denial thing. You go into denial ( I think) to deal with it and protect yourself. I only realized the whole sexual behavior thing and rape two years ago. That realization took me around 12 years to figure out.

[EvaGina]

Isisastaria, Yeah, the anger is kind of amazing

Im such a happy person most of the time, its strange to think about it and realise how angry I really am.

 

Do you find it makes sex weird beucase your fantasies become overly violent/humiliating?

 

The guy I am with now is the first I have had physically satisfying sex with, without needing to fantasise about dangerous situations in order to orgasm. Like you, I just think about how much I love him and how good it is to be with him.

[EvaGina]

What scares me is how many times I have almost been assulted since then as well.

and by "friends"

 

I wonder if these men even realise what they are doing?

[Parsley]

I can't even imagine how horrible having that happen must be. The thought terrifies me so much, I just don't dare leave the house by myself. I don't know if this statistic is true of the rest of the world, but I know here the chances of you being attacked by someone you know very well are far larger than by a stranger.

 

When I read about people that have been raped, I always wonder about how your life must be affected by it. I mean...after my ex broke up with me, the thought of anyone else touching me was physically repulsive. I just couldn't even consider it. How did/do you overcome that, because that impulse has got to be a lot stronger than mine ever was or ever could be?

[quietgrl]

Eva

 

I'm glad that you brought up this topic because I alway wanted to ask rape survivor the same question but i was afraid to ask.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I was 14 and 15 when I was raped and it was by the guy I was dating at the time, He was 20. I thought it was love adn was pretty much led to believe he did it because he loved me and it went on for nearly 8 months until one night I was drinking and on top of that he drugged me to where I was there but couldnt stop him and he ended up beating me as well. I couldnt do anything but ball up into a small ball on the bed and cry, he then kicked me and told me to quit being a baby about it, this was part of life. I was threatened and told that had I told anyone it was more than sex he wouldnt kill me but he would mess me up so bad i'd wish I was dead. I ended things with him and resorted to cutting and drug use to heal my pain.

 

I met my next bf and could never get close to him and we endedu pbreaking up and then I met my current bf and I got back into the state of mind that I had to sleep with a guy to keep him so my bf and I started having sex right away, leading me to getting pregnant. Up until I Got pregnant I was into heavy drug use, cutting and other forms of mutilation and many suicide attempts. Once I got pregnant though I straightened my act up and realized I couldnt ruin my life and give the idiot who raped me pleasure out of what he done. So now, thanks to that I have my head on my shoulders and realize finally it wasnt my fault and I dont have to sleepw ith anyone to keep them. I admit I still have my days, especially when IR un into my ex that I have trouble focusing, and I still have horrible fears of being alone afraid of being raped or attacked again.

 

Whew! Sorry that waslong, it's still hard to type out and im shaking as I type this so sorry if it doesnt really make sense right now ill go through and correct it as I can.

[applepie]

Mythical Suicide, that's awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you. What an * * * * * * *.

[Akatea]

They do realise what they are doing, but most of the time, they JUST DONT CARE. Or the girl was "ASKING FOR IT" (I put this comment in asterix's cause obviously it isn't true)

Denial is the biggest thing I had to deal with. A case of just putting it as far down as you possibly can. But speaking form experience, this only makes other aspects of your life completely stuff up. Unfortunately, these experiences do effect our day to day living, no matter how much we try to deny it to ourselves and to others...

[Mythical_Suicide]

. Unfortunately, these experiences do effect our day to day living, no matter how much we try to deny it to ourselves and to others...

 

Absolutely, its been almost 5 years for me but I still have panic attacks thinking about it. I smile and try to move on with my life but honestly I dont think i'll ever get over it.

[Parsley]

*hug* It's hardly surprising. It's just completely beyond my realms of understanding.

 

There was a survey done in Britain last year or the year before, and a third of people thought that girl who dressed provocatively brought it on themselves when they got raped. When I heard that I sat for I don't know how long just gaping at the screen at the complete idiocy of a third of the population of my country.

[EvaGina]

They do realise what they are doing, but most of the time, they JUST DONT CARE. Or the girl was "ASKING FOR IT" (I put this comment in asterix's cause obviously it isn't true)

Denial is the biggest thing I had to deal with. A case of just putting it as far down as you possibly can. But speaking form experience, this only makes other aspects of your life completely stuff up. Unfortunately, these experiences do effect our day to day living, no matter how much we try to deny it to ourselves and to others...

 

-hug- Hello love

 

Denial is HARD... for years I thought that becuase I would have slept with them anyway if they had taken their time to be with me, that it didnt count.

 

as Akatea here can vouch for, sex became a "tool" for me, as opposed to an act of intimacy, sex with feelings is too hard

[EvaGina]

Maybe that's where my lack of trauma comes from. I didn't know the criminals, so I didn't have to feel like I was being betrayed. It's not like I enjoyed it. It just has no bearing on my life any more.

 

The first time for me I was gang raped by 4 men in a park when I was 15. I was so drunk that I didn't even know what was going on. The second time I was 16 and raped by a cab driver after I'd passed out in the back seat. All I remember was trying to scratch his eyes out while he was inside of me. There were a couple of other incidents that I'm a little unsure of whether they were truly rape.

 

Sometimes I feel like I should have reported the incidents, but why ruin a bunch of people's lives if mine hasn't been too badly affected?

 

One of my good friends was raped and she went to the police, it was only after that, that the other victims of the scumbag came forward.

 

Why should you have gone to the police? To protect others, if not yourself.

 

I cant even begin to fathom what I would do if I were you.

[Parsley]

I'd be too scared that they'd go out and ruin other people's lives. At least...I think I would. Who knows how I'd feel if I were in your position cause I clearly haven't got a clue - something for which I'm so grateful.

 

*hugs*

[applepie]

One of my good friends was raped and she went to the police, it was only after that, that the other victims of the scumbag came forward.

 

Why should you have gone to the police? To protect others, if not yourself.

 

I cant even begin to fathom what I would do if I were you.

 

I thought about it for a long time, but my memory is so hazey and there was no evidence. I couldn't remember faces, names or any other details. It's now been over 5 years since all that happened and there is zilch I can do about it now.

[EvaGina]

I thought about it for a long time, but my memory is so hazey and there was no evidence. I couldn't remember faces, names or any other details. It's now been over 5 years since all that happened and there is zilch I can do about it now.

 

True...

 

I think it would be a lot easier if it was someone I didnt know... I wouldnt have been so confused

[Scotcha]

I was raped when I was 15 by a "friend" of mine.. This was the first time I had ever had sex too. (Though I don't consider it when I lost my virginity.)

 

For a couple of years I would do anything a guy asked me to.. Not because I wanted to but because in my mind it was better to just do it than to say no and have it happen anyway. It wasn't until I met my first "real" boyfriend that I believe that there were decent guys out there.

 

For years after.. Acutally, for seven years after I was raped I never had an emotional connection with someone while haveing sex. I could enjoy sex physically but on any other level it was just too hard.

 

And to this day I have to have someone holding my hand when I go to the gynocologist. I cry like a baby the entire time.. Not because I believe the doctor is doing anything inappropriate but because it is not something I "want" and thereforeeee it gives me some pretty nasty flashbacks that really shake me up.

[Parsley]

I'm so shocked at how many people I talk to and see so regularly on here have been through such a horrible experience.

 

I was raped when I was 15 by a "friend" of mine.. This was the first time I had ever had sex too. (Though I don't consider it when I lost my virginity.)

 

Scotcha, what you said has stuck with me. I studied Measure for Measure at A-level and a huge part of the moral of the story is that it's not virginity of your body that matters...it's your mind. I've read about lots of people (here and on other forums, magazines and so on) who see it as them losing their virginity and hating that that's their experience. I wish that your idea could be more widespread, as I bet it helps if only the tinest amount.

[EvaGina]

I'm so shocked at how many people I talk to and see so regularly on here have been through such a horrible experience.

 

 

 

Scotcha, what you said has stuck with me. I studied Measure for Measure at A-level and a huge part of the moral of the story is that it's not virginity of your body that matters...it's your mind. I've read about lots of people (here and on other forums, magazines and so on) who see it as them losing their virginity and hating that that's their experience. I wish that your idea could be more widespread, as I bet it helps if only the tinest amount.

 

I know what you mean

if I wasnt to count them, do I count the men I had sex with just beucase they pressured me into it? The men I had sex with just so they would stop touching me and I could go to sleep?

I wouldnt know where to stop... I would practically be a virgin again!! ](*,)

[thyroxine]

I actually recently had to miss my English class because of this topic. For some reason she chose the subject of rape and had us read a story...I couldn't get even half way through. It messed me up pretty badly that night as the story correlated to one of my experiences.

 

I feel talking about it helps...so I'll try and share my experience. I lost my virginity at 7...to my mother. She had been going a bit nuts when we moved from NJ (where all her family was) to NM, and something just snapped in her I guess. The worst part was my brother started to open the door of the room she had me in and she ran and slammed it shut on him, locked it, and continued. I was in denial for nearly a decade about this, until I got raped by an older man at 17. He beat me up pretty bad, but neither of my parents noticed and I didn't tell them.

 

Those were the worst two...there were technically two other times I was forced to have sex, but neither compare in my mind to the first two. Just last summer, I started going to therapy for these and related issues. One of the hardest things I have to deal with is I am now my mother's legal guardian (she had a bad motorcycle accident and is in a nursing home with brain damage.) My mother was a wonderful woman...just to everyone else.

 

I believe I'm a stronger person because of this, but at the same time I have to admit that I'm still messed up with this and it's been nearly 15 years. I get panic attacks and I'm rather agoraphobic. I've only cut a few times, but the few times I have it's been my face. I usually get the urge to cut daily...but the urges are lessening due to therapy.

 

This is a good thread though...while that was hard to write out, it feels good to let it out somewhere other than my journal or to my therapist.

[jengh]

Wow, I'm shocked at how many of you have been raped, too.

 

I was raped when I was 14. 2 guys. Both in their mid-late twenties. GHB was involved. I sort of knew the one guy. They threatened me so I never reported it.

 

This leads to my question: How many of you DIDNT report it?

 

Every day, I feel guilty for not because I'm so afraid these men will do this to other girls.

[EvaGina]

thyroxine... I am completely lost for words.

Im glad you see a lighter side to it (with being a stronger person) and that you are doing something about it.

 

Did your mother ever say anything about it after the fact?

 

Jen: never reported it... feel horrible about it too, once I find out what else goes on with these guys.

[jengh]

I know what you mean

if I wasnt to count them, do I count the men I had sex with just beucase they pressured me into it? The men I had sex with just so they would stop touching me and I could go to sleep?

I wouldnt know where to stop... I would practically be a virgin again!! ](*,)

 

omg, eva... I know exactly what you mean.... same here... it's terrible isn't it? A vast majority of the men I've slept with have been because I was just sick of them pressuring me and I wanted to get to sleep. Same deal as you.