What rape did to you?

[EvaGina]

I would definitely class that as rape -hug- or some kind of sexual abuse.

[jengh]

Yes, even if you were aware, your judgement was still impaired from the alcohol and the courts will look at that as a rape case.

[Daligal83]

Does it vary from state to state? Because I looked up laws in the state I'm currently in that that was not mentioned.

 

Just out of curiosity, what if there are two people in a relationship and one is drunk and the other isn't...is that still rape? Even if the one who was drunk never said no at any point?

[Daligal83]

"More often, however, sexual assault involves psychological coercion and taking advantage of an individual who is under duress or incapacitated and, thereforeeee, incapable of making a decision on his/her own (including under the influence of alcohol, drugs and/or prescription medications)."

 

That's from the RAINN website and it describes exactly what I think happened. They said it varies from state to state, but that's a general definition.

 

One of the things they say to help prevent this is to go out with a group of friends and look out for each other. Can I say that it's scary that I DID go out with friends...my best friend here and a good friend from undergrad. They knew he was coming over and didn't do anything. The next day they were like, sooo what happened?? I mean it's not their fault, it's not their job to look after me, but still.

 

I just don't know what to do with this. I knew it was wrong, but I accepted my responsibility in it for being that drunk. I also don't think I suffered from it at all. I was upset for a little while after obviously, but no long term effects.

[jengh]

Does it vary from state to state? Because I looked up laws in the state I'm currently in that that was not mentioned.

 

Just out of curiosity, what if there are two people in a relationship and one is drunk and the other isn't...is that still rape? Even if the one who was drunk never said no at any point?

 

Im sure it does vary from state to state...

 

I don't know what the law says for relationships and this situation, but in my PERSONAL opinion, it's not... not at all... if it's a healthy, loving relationship and one just happens to be drunk while having sex... i dont see anything wrong with it, though others might

[Hayles]

You all hear about the newest classification under 'rape'? Emotional rape... when you do something that you don't want to, for fear of the reaction if you said 'no'. You go along with it, without being involved in it. It's happens so often. Also under this heading falls when you have said no several times, and you don't want to, but he keeps going, and you're saying no, but not actually "fighting" him off - for whatever reason - it may be that he is your bf, or because there's a crowd or whatever... men have actually been charged under these rulings.

[lizziebee]

Hey EG-well this is not how I wanted to end my night but this is important. I was raped at 15. The effects were dulled by alcohol for many many years (there was more to my alcoholism than just this one thing though) The final outcome came when I met my first husband, I hated sex, I wanted him on and GTF off when you are done. Same with the 2nd. It was not conscious thought with me, the rape did not haunt me day to day for many reasons. I thought I was stronger than that. It happened in 1979 and I thought it would have gone away by then, (the feelings I mean), I did not want to seek help because I was considered an overacheiving, control freak, who had it all together...well, certainly not the case as we all know. I went into therapy (not specifically for rape) and one day it came tumbling from my brain, body and soul what happened that night. I felt weak, disgusted and so f****** ANGRY that I am still in occasional therapy for the anger.....I need to thank Applepie for her honesty as I have had many of those experiences as well...I feel her strength and her pain and I hope she knows we are all here for each other.

[EvaGina]

^^Im sorry to hear you kept everything so bound for so long, but its great that you are dealing with it now

 

You all hear about the newest classification under 'rape'? Emotional rape... when you do something that you don't want to, for fear of the reaction if you said 'no'. You go along with it, without being involved in it. It's happens so often. Also under this heading falls when you have said no several times, and you don't want to, but he keeps going, and you're saying no, but not actually "fighting" him off - for whatever reason - it may be that he is your bf, or because there's a crowd or whatever... men have actually been charged under these rulings.

 

That is awesome

I know women who have done that to men as well tho.

[ScreenagerX]

Ok I admit I can't relate on a personal level but I think its about as close as I can get without it actually happening to me.

 

While on a break (before we got married) my wife went out on the town with some friends. They all headed back to some guys flat with a bunch of people, unfortunately her friends left without her somehow & she ended up stuck at this house. She found her self a spot to have a sleep till the morning & woke up to some guy groping her. She told him to stop & all that but he kept going. Being that she was in a strange house with people she didn't know she relented, thankfully talking him into using a condom. There was probably more to it than that but through the crying & tears when she told me (both of us) that was all I got.

 

Of course I hit the roof & made it my mission to literally kill the guy but as much as I asked she refused to reveal who he was, I still to this day don't know who it is. Eventually I had to drop the whole thing as I couldn't just keep bringing it up all the time. I hate that because I feel like I let her down twice; the fact it happened & the fact that I couldn't exact some revenge on her behalf.

Damn. I've got the shakes now!!!!!!!!

 

I hate the fact that anyone should have to go through such an horrible event. It shouldn't happen. The fact that some people get away with it makes it all the more worse. I know my words probably don't mean much & certainly won't fix anything but I just wanted to say my piece.

[EvaGina]

 

I know a lot of men get seriously insulted by this kind of thing. Macca doesnt know whats happened to me (He knows somthing has happened and I think he has guessed what, but he doesnt know the details) and I dont think he wants to because, like you, he would be full of undirected anger about it.

 

I mean, the protectivness we normally feel when we hear what horrible ex's did to our partners or a-holes in the workplace... but to hear that someone violated the person you love and there is nothing you can do about it?.. it would be so much worse.

 

I cant even think about what happened to my friend (the one who posts here) I just block it from my head... its too much

[ScreenagerX]

I know a lot of men get seriously insulted by this kind of thing. Macca doesnt know whats happened to me (He knows somthing has happened and I think he has guessed what, but he doesnt know the details) and I dont think he wants to because, like you, he would be full of undirected anger about it.

 

I mean, the protectivness we normally feel when we hear what horrible ex's did to our partners or a-holes in the workplace... but to hear that someone violated the person you love and there is nothing you can do about it?.. it would be so much worse.

 

I cant even think about what happened to my friend (the one who posts here) I just block it from my head... its too much

 

Its one of things that you want to but don't want to know at the same time as you know your just going to get upset but you care so you feel compelled to know about it.

 

Another thing is I think it actually goes on alot more than people realise aswell. It seemed for a while that it almost seemed as if I didn't know any females that hadn't been violated in some form or another, and thats awful. Like more had had it done to them than hadn't!!!!

 

Arghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! I better go home & think about something else.

[afonselaca]

I've never come out and told anyone about what happened. Rather, I've spent my entire life covering and hiding it. When I was 12 my brother left his bedroom window open and I found myself being woke up from my sleep by a man who was threatening to kill my family. I didn't cooperate fully and by the time it was over (read: he gave up) I was left in the hallway on the floor. I guess I struggled against him. I refused counseling as my mother let me make that call and she didn't feel I was penetrated.

 

My biggest problems stem from my brother telling the neighborhood why the police were at our house and it got around school. I became "the little raped girl" and it devastated me. People looked at me with sadness and disgust and whispered about me.

 

I spent my school years proving I am really okay. This rumor/label defined who I was for two years and even though we thankfully moved to a new school district and I was able to start over from the 8th grade on, I never got past feeling terrible about myself on so many levels and worrying about what other people think at the same time.

 

It affects me now sexually because I can't emotionally connect or orgasm with a man. The last guy I've been ruminating over is the closest to the real thing I've had and the only guy I haven't wanted to GTF off of me. Also right now I am in conflict with my brother and dad and I feel sure my brother has told my dad by now and he doesn't love me anymore. Maybe this will help me by writing it out.

 

When the rapist was brought to trial about 8 or 9 years ago (finally), my mom sent me the clippings. I was the first in a string of rapes that were progressively more violent. I am lucky to be alive. The envelope containing all the info remains closed to this day. I just can't open it but this is the first time I've cried about it.

[TheRedQueen]

Made me angry and depressed.

 

Ten years since the incident and still recovering, still hate men to an extent, and view them as not to be trusted.

[mintblossom]

depression. extreme depression. hurt. extremely hurt. loss of selfworth. loss of selfrespect. selfpity. a feeling of disbelief and uncontrol over the whole situation. disgust. wounded. bleeding. the world is not right. i feel sick.

[GQstatus]

I'm not a rape victim, but I know a couple women who are. Past gf's, friends, etc. The "men" in these scenarios are the lowest form of life possible. And in past relationships things have ended because of issues these girls hadn't yet worked out. Which is fine, I'd rather them get themselves figured out, get therapy whatever it is they need, instead of being in an unhappy relationship. But after reading this form, it really turned a light on inside my head.

 

With my most recent ex, she was molested by her step father at a very young age (he only got 3 months in jail), and she was raped later on in life. I knew all this before we got into a relationship, and for that very reason didn't even attempt to have sex with her for a month. She would tell me how I'm so "different" from other guys, and how much she loved that about me. But it wasn't me being so different, I just wanted her to KNOW I didn't want her just for sex.

 

When the night finally came to have sex, she initiated all of it. And we both laughed before and during. Can't really explain why, but we definitely had the most amusing first sex experience. She was absolutely GORGEOUS, but hated being fully naked with even the dimest light on. She said she wasn't used to even being fully naked while having sex. Eventually she became comfortable with me, and this wasn't an issue.

 

Throughout the relationship, even from the very beginning I knew she had "issues" and witnessed them first hand. She's very jealous, obsessive at times, defensive etc. But at the same time was a very beautiful individual inside and out. I'd never been so connected to a girl before. We had the deepest of deep conversations all the time. She'd tell me about her past, I'd tell her about mine, we'd cry, laugh, and cuddle for hours.

 

Months in, I started to realize her whole sexual pattern. She never really initiated things. And then there were very FEW times, out of the blue she'd just want to satisfy me, which was of course fine with me. It was obvious to me, that most guys she had been with, were in it for the sex. She always told me she felt like she "needed" to have sex with them. That she very rarely enjoyed it. The first time I went "down" on her she cringed, I stopped and told her we'd do it when she was comfortable. Eventually this too passed, and she'd practically beg for it

 

But after a few months, I noticed she liked really rough sex. Which was fine with me, I like dirty talk and all that. But she wanted me to call her very disrespectful names during sex. Which also is fine, in the moment of things. But it became routine, she liked being treated like dirt having sex. Then out of the blue would ask me to "make love to her". Out of the year in a half we were together, we only "made love" I'd say maybe 5-10 times. During this, she'd be very emotional afterwards.

 

Looking back on it, I can somewhat understand all the aggression in our sex life, as that is what she is probably use to. But knowing that those were horrified times of her life, why would she want to act on them? Even though I'm no longer with her, I'd really like to understand.

 

Even if we don't get back together, I have a feeling we will eventually become friends. And I'd really like to understand her more. And in the case I happen to meet another woman that has been through this, I'd like to again understand more.

 

Thanks.

[Locke2121]

image removed

 

You people are going to be the emotional death of me....but like a kid looking at another's hurt toe, I can't seem to look away.

[snowgirl]

I was raped when I was 15 by a stranger. It was a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I am very fortunate that I got through it as well as I did. It was terrifying to say the least, for I knew I was being raped, but I also thought I was going to be murdered. The rape became secondary to my life being threatened. The more I talked about it to supportive people, the better I felt. This was 29 years ago, it's hard to believe, but of course, I still have lasting effects. They are caution and fear of being in remote places alone. that's something every woman feels, I'd think, and since it's self-preservation, that's a good thing. I have let go of the anger and rage. I remember when it was actually happening, I had the thought "I will not let this lunatic, this stranger, ruin my life if I get out of this alive, this is not my fault, so I will not suffer a lifetime of horror because of him". And I was able to get through it. It was hard, mostly because of the UNsupportive people along the way. Ones who told me that I must have asked for it, etc. I knew they were wrong, but it was still hurtful to hear people say things like that. I hope people are different now than they were in 1978.

 

I'm a rape victim, and I'm ok. I have a healthy sex life and a happy life in general. I am a productive member of society and I have a good job/career and things are good. I won, I didn't let that ***hole ruin my life.

[EvaGina]

-hug-

Have you spoken to your brother about it?

 

GQstatus, I know what she feels like... it does get better if you make the effort.

[afonselaca]

-hug-

Have you spoken to your brother about it?

 

Oh, wow. thanks! I'm having a hard day today. I'm usually so upbeat but I can't shake it off and could seriously sit and cry all day if I didn't have clients bugging me

](*,)

It is good to be blessed with work.

 

No, my relationships with both brother & Dad are really messed up.

My thread re: my brother is here

[EvaGina]

Oh, wow. thanks! I'm having a hard day today. I'm usually so upbeat but I can't shake it off and could seriously sit and cry all day if I didn't have clients bugging me

](*,)

It is good to be blessed with work.

 

No, my relationships with both brother & Dad are really messed up.

My thread re: my brother is here ]

 

Aw sweetheart!

It IS good that you have somthing to keep you busy, but you are going to have to face and deal with these problems at some point.

You cant change them, but you can change how you feel about the situation, when you are ready.

 

Would you like a candy mint leaf thing? They are mighty tasty!!

[afonselaca]

Aw sweetheart!

It IS good that you have somthing to keep you busy, but you are going to have to face and deal with these problems at some point.

You cant change them, but you can change how you feel about the situation, when you are ready.

 

Would you like a candy mint leaf thing? They are mighty tasty!!

 

thanks! you made my night

 

Yeah, denial doesn't work in the long term. Things tend to bubble up.

 

thanks for starting this thread. it is not possible to express how grateful I am to face my back story without someone freaking on me.

[EvaGina]

 

I like this thread because someone can just come on here and RANT with no pressure... becuase the thread is about everyone who has been in that situation, or knows anyone who has been abused, or anything...

 

Feel free to PM me or somthing if you feel like yelling about something and you dont know why

[Gracelove]

Rape drastically changed my life. I realized that hell is a place that can be found on earth.

When I was raped I died inside.

There was emptiness. I was hollow.

My brain was on automatic. I would hear myself talking....trying to convince myself and others that everything was okay......normal, dandy.

I could hear myself talking, and I felt that as long as I kept talking, things wouldn't fall apart.

One day I was going to die physically, things were overwhelming...until then I didn't know that suicide could be a dark, evil, powerfully-strong pressense. I wanted so badly to live.

Isn't that funny?! If I was dead inside how could I want to live? I guess there was still a little life inside worth saving.

Anyway, I crossed that bridge; I survived.

Then hell came, and with that came a conscious desire to die. To escape the pain; a new and scary world.

I didn't know that so many things were involuntary.

I wanted to forget. I wanted to "make nice" and pretend that things were perfect.

And then, one day...I lost the little bit of control I thought I had left.

Then, I controlled nothing. My brain, my emotions, and my body controlled me. It's like they were each doing their own crazy thing and there was no communication between them.

Anyway, everything else is too long and drawn out to go through.

Oh, and one more thing, maybe a good thing, rape taught me how to be angry.

Before I was raped I wasn't in touch with my anger. Anger, true anger was foreign to me. Being angry was uncomfortable at first, I didn't know what to do with all of it, but now I appreciate it and know how to control it.

[afrodite79]

I had an ex attempt to rape me the last time i was with him. We were going to have sex. He wanted to have sex without a condom and I said no and told him to put on a condom. He proceeds to hold me down with all his weight and try to enter me. I was kicking and fighting and saying no. I screamed for him to stop it and that i stopped fighting if he put a condom on. i guess he figured i wouldn't stop fighting him so he stops and puts a condom on. I didn't feel horrible about it or think of it as attemted rape at that moment. I was just very angry that he'd do that.

 

About a month later I thought about it and realized what he tired to do and i felt horrible. I hated myself. I felt like a wh*** and like i must have been worthless for him to do something like that to me. I self harmed and was in a deep depression. I felt like i had no business feeling bad since he didn't rape me and i had sex with him anyway after he stopped and put a condom on. I felt like i deserved it. I told my best friend and she was enraged and wanted to kill him. I told my mom and she told me i was stupid for being over there with him. I even posted about it on here and someone said that it wasn't that bad since i didn't get something i wasn't already over there for. I just felt more like i deserved it.

 

Now the thought of having sex agian makes me sick. I don't want to have anything to do with men in any way that could become sexual because i don't want to be hurt again and be told it's my fault. I don't want to make a mistake and end up feeling stupid again. I feel so ashamed about the whole thing and he didn't even accomplish raping me.

[amtjrtcet]

I came accross this thread today & just wanted to add my little story. I'm not looking for sympathy, I didn't resist, but I wanted to share how it effected me.

 

When I was 16 I was head-over-heels for this guy (we'll call him John). John was 19, soooo good looking. He was the guy all the girls wanted to be with. And he chose me. He was my first. I found myself doing anything he wanted to make him happy. I was young and thought that sex=love. I thought that if I did what he wanted he'd love me.

 

We dated for about 6 months. I was drinking with him all the time, sneeking out at night to see him, skipping school. Anytime I hesitated to do these things he made me feel like he was going to break up with me so I gave in-pathetic huh?

 

So one night we had a big party at my parents lake house. (without their knowledge of course). He talked me into letting all of his friends come over. They got into my dad's liquor cabinet. I got wasted. I could hardly walk.

Next thing I know he and I are having sex in the bedroom. One of his friends came in the room, John said "I want to watch you and him." I'm sure it was a combination of the alcohol, the fact that I'd do anything for John, and the fact that I was young and weak minded. But I did it.

 

Over the course of the next few days everyone was talking about it. I was the butt of every joke and every ugly word. John stopped seeing me. I was heartbroken.

 

Over the next few yrs I became very promiscuous. Made some really stupid decisions. Started doing drugs.

 

Eventually I met my ex and settled down. I cleaned up my act. I became someone I am proud to be.

 

I wasn't raped, I didn't resist. But I wanted to share anyway.