Alright, for the first time in a while, I need help!

[BellaDonna]

Don't get me wrong, I like a clean house too, but when I get busy, it is just not the top priority at the time! But, I can CERTAINLY see why it is a nuisance/irritation. It is like anything else really...when things are fine these little things are not such a bother, but when you are frustrated everything seems magnified.

 

Exactly.

 

And of course you are busy with school so it is very understandable.

 

I think communication is going to be key in this situation. When you're busy it's hard to take subtle hints or read a person's mind. It seems that he may have waited unitl this became a huge pressing problem in his mind and heart, instead of addressing it with you in the early stages.

 

As part of your plan perhaps you can work on some daily "exercises" where you both stop everything- even if it's for 5 minutes- and just take some time to really connect with one another. You are taking responsibiity to address the problem now that you are aware of it- but you both need to be sure to be open with one another and bring up these things BEFORE they turn into huge issues. If they are left unaddressed for too long, they can turn into resentment or bitterness.

 

I think once you re-connect emotionally, the physical part will follow naturally.

 

I think the gift you made him with photos and memories was a really good idea.

 

The 2 of you will get through this,

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Actually Bella, that was one of the suggestions I had for moving forward.

 

That we were to ensure that we took the time to reconnect with one another, and to "check in" with one another maybe weekly or so to talk about things that we are happy with, and those that bother us, without criticism and judgement.

 

I imagine part of the reason he avoided talking about it was because I tend to not be able to talk "right away" and he thought it was because I avoided it, but I tend to need time to think things through to avoid being defensive and to be prepared to REALLY listen. So I know he did try initially, but if I was not ready to talk then, he felt I was avoiding it and did not bring it up again.

 

So I thought maybe offering the time to communicate with a promise I would listen, without that defensiveness, even just to say "I understand, and just need some time to think about it before we talk about it more....can we talk about it later tonight or ___(some set time/day)".

[BellaDonna]

If you ever are looking for a book to serve as a template to express your feelings, I highly recommend this one:

link removed

 

It's actually fun because each of you can go through it on your own and answer the various questions. I think it would be neat if you went through it first- it would show him that you were willing to write a book to him .lol

 

There are fun/playful questions (i.e. what attracted you to one another)- and then more serious ones regarding the relationship.

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Thanks Bella, I will check that link out after class more...it does look like it would be a good bonding experience though!

[rocio]

I'm late to the thread and, reading through, I don't have much to add. I agree that he bears some responsibility in not sharing these concerns with you sooner. You're not a mind reader and you saw the signs, but misinterpretted them. At this point, just be very careful because he's likely scrutinising your actions so you'll want to be sure to send out the right signals.

 

It sounds like the two of you have survived worse and have what it takes to get through this.

[RayKay]

I don't want people to have the impression he did not try, I think he did try to bring issues up, but he was not sure what the deeper issue was either....he did not realize the way he felt that way was because he felt taken for granted.

 

We also both tend to be conflict avoiders in many ways as we hate to hurt the other, and we are not always the best at expressing the real issue I tend to also need time to think of things if he does bring them up, which he takes as me not wanting to discuss it, when really it is for me to be able to think and NOT be defensive about it.

 

Anyway, since then things have been good...for most part, though of course it is hard not to scrutinize myself as well, and read into things more than other times maybe!

 

Everything seems "normal". But now of course I think well, I thought things were normal a couple weeks ago! Last night when we got home after the gym I spent time talking to him while he was in kitchen making his dinner, just about his day and so on. Then while we watched some TV we were talking about what we were watching, giving one another foot rubs and just joking around too. Nothing "physical" last night, but he seemed bit more open and emotionally closer in terms of conversation than he has been last few days.....

 

He still says he loves me, often first, but he is still a bit apprehensive of the physical.

 

I have also been more conscious of taking the time to email him during the day, as I know when I went back to school it was often hard for me to do that, but just to let him know I am thinking of him, and send him an I love you.

 

I definitely know we stay, or do not stay, with people, because of how we FEEL with them, and around them. I recognize this too, as I know when I felt distant from him too, I also had doubts and questions....but I was able to remember why I was with him, and know that those cycles happen, to choose to work through it. So I am really hoping I do make him FEEL that again, that love and being loved.

 

The problem is not second guessing things, because while yes we are talking, and I am actively putting effort in, and we are seeming "normal" and all that, I still have that in my brain that "what if he does not "come back" from that emotional/physical brink?", what if "this" is not enough. He told me when we were having our fight that he has felt this way before in the past, and though the circumstances were totally different (I think I know whom he is also talking of, and they were different) he could not come back from that. But, I think forgiveness is the first step in this....forgiveness and being open to moving forward. I think he has a harder time "forgetting" even if he forgives (which he has). And that is what I worry about. I know he does too.

 

Now, I know that it is possible, as I have been there too and come back. I In retrospect I think that much of why he feels THIS way now is because when I had doubts due to some things, and insecurities because of myself, I pushed away and did not treat him as he needed to be. I just don't know if HE can come back. I so want him too though, I really love him with all my heart, good and bad, and I really am so fortunate and blessed to be in his life, and he in mine.

 

If anyone has been there, maybe where he is, and has advice for me, that would be great

 

And thanks again everyone for all your wonderful help!

[BellaDonna]

It sounds like things are heading in the right direction with the conversations, and the foot rub- which is a form of physcial closeness, even though it's a small one.

 

I think he will need more time to come to grips with what his feelings are.

 

Here's something that comes to mind in your situation: Do you think he's scared at all? With all the things going on with your mom, I wonder if he fears for your future safety or health, and if subconsciously he is trying to create some distance between the 2 of you. I know this is a separate issue from the "being taken for granted" issue, and may even sound silly, but I wonder if it has any bearing at all.

 

Of course family history does not destine you to have health problems, but I just wonder if he ever has those kind of fears- and if it makes him have doubts because he is afraid of getting hurt????

 

BellaDonna

[RayKay]

Hey Bella,

 

Thanks

 

I am not sure if it worries about "my health" that bother him, though I do think he is not very sure how to deal with these things. He has honestly never really had to deal with losing someone close to him through death, or them being ill (knock on wood of course!) and his family tends to live to quite old age. Mine definitely does not! And I have had some rather unfortunate close experiences with these kind of things.

 

He definitely "feels" for me, but I think he has a hard time empathizing to some degree about the whole thing. I think in a sense that I pushed him away for not "getting it" and he pushed back for fear of how to deal with it?

 

I of course cannot speak for him, I am quite sure he is thinking of the future...he does seem to be at this point where it is either "poop or get off the pot" and is looking at things in a long term perspective more, which is what caused him to feel taken for granted and worried about the partnership in the future, but these are possible factors too think of that you have given me.

 

Rachel

[DN]

I think the 'positive reinforcement' that you are doing now is the way to go. I doubt that it would push him away. He seems to need reassurance that this was something of an aberration over the last few months and not how your lives would be in the future (and I believe this to be the case).

 

It is true he should have brought these things up before but I can see why he would not - and anyway that is now somewhat beside the point. What is important is that he did explain how he felt and is still with you. He could have just kept his feelings bottled up until it was too much to bear and then left. But he didn't.

 

What has happened is that your relationship has been wounded and you are in the early process of healing. Both of you have been hurt and are anxious not to be hurt again so it is only natural that there will be times when he (and you) seem skittish). Given the right treatment (essentially what you are doing now) those feelings will be diminished. And just like a bone that is broken or a virus that has been fought off your relationship will probably emerge from this stronger provided that a similar wound is not inflicted again.

[RayKay]

Thanks DN

 

That helped a lot!

 

I know that in long term relationships, you need to fall in love over and over again. But that is hard for one to do when you are so "different"; which I was for a while. I am still the same person he fell for though, I know that, and I know that he can see that if he opens himself too it of course!

 

I am falling for him all over again, as I reflect on all the things that had me fall for him, choose him, and want to be with him forever in the first place. I also feel the more I do those little things for us, and him, the more I feel for him too in a strange way. I just hope that he sees the same in time.

 

And, I will NEVER ever do this to him again; take his love for granted I mean and not put into the relationship what it needs! Because I will NEVER forget how much this hurt me to the core, and how scared I was to lose him.

 

 

I really hope you are right....anyway he made my heart melt today when he said "J'adore tu aussi avec tout mon coeur" in an email

[DN]

"J'adore tu aussi avec tout mon coeur"

Judging from your previous posts about your boyfriend I highly doubt that he would say such a thing if he were about to break off the relationship - it just wouldn't be in character as you have described him.

[Hope75]

Then while we watched some TV we were talking about what we were watching, giving one another foot rubs and just joking around too. Nothing "physical" last night, but he seemed bit more open and emotionally closer in terms of conversation than he has been last few days.....

 

He still says he loves me, often first, but he is still a bit apprehensive of the physical.

 

Hey RayKay,

 

Sorry to be late in jumping in but I just wanted to say that what I see right now are alot of positive signs... you are both communicating, and even if he is expressing doubt, he's talking to you about it and in doing so he's opening up and sharing with you, and also giving you both a chance to work on that and change it, and I think that's good.

 

And I agree with what Bella said, the foot rubs are still a form of physical contact and intimacy, and he may want to keep a bit of physical distance right now but this is a start.

 

I think, more than anything, you have to try and relax and keep doing what you are doing- appreciating the relationship and him and enjoying each other.... and try not to take too much time worrying about it because that just makes you seem more needy and that usually leads to clinging/unhappy behaviours.

 

Like you, patience is not my strong suit and when my bf and I went through our brief breakup 2 years ago I really struggled with this part- but he is showing you that he still cares and you are doing your part too so I hope to see things progress!!

 

((HUGS))

[avman]

I also think there are many positive signs. One thing you need to realize is this is not a short term fix. This is something you'll do for the long haul and it will take some time to get positive results. After all, things didn't go downhill immediately, they took time. So it will also take time for things to seem "normal" again.

 

I think you are doing the right things and he is starting to show signs of response. Don't let it get to you if you have a bad day or three for the next few weeks. Keep up the effort and it will pay you long term dividends. It's so easy to drive yourself nuts trying to analyze every little response or lack thereof. But think big picture now.

 

You are planting little seedlings. With time and nurturing, they'll blossom and grow. You can't force it, you just have to keep tending things and let it unfold as it will.

[RayKay]

You guys are superstars

 

I am still feeling "off and on" in terms of confidence levels; it is hard not to read into things sometimes.

 

We had a good night last night when he came home from the gym, we just stayed in but we were talking about what we were watching, and I was cold so he came over and tucked me in super tight in the blanket on the couch in a goofy way. Last night he just cuddled into me.

 

We got about 5" of snow yesterday, which I shovelled (and we have a big parking pad area along with sidewalks!) and he came home joking "did his brother come over" with me, since unless he is away on business or something I don't usually shovel. It took me a good hour to do! He asked why I did, and I said so he would not have to when he came home late

 

I felt good yesterday.

 

Today not as good, I think it is just because he is uber busy at work today, as he is more distant when I talked to him on MSN, or when he replied to an email earlier. But it may just be me worrying and reading into things...like this morning I left very early to go to gym and when I gave him a kiss while he was still in bed and said "love you" he said "love you too"...but then in the email he did not respond with a love you....so it has me fretting...sigh...as usually he does!

[FortunateOne]

Hey RayKay,

 

Your an outstanding woman to put so much care, respect and thought into healing your relationship. Rest assure in the fact that your an awesome partner and you both deserves each other. I'm very sure he's busy with work and missed writing the usual loving gesture. Be confident and never doubt yourself since his current action is an aberration. thereforeeee, throw away this wrong mind set to focus on the positivity you bring to each other's life. Remember, your thoughts are your actions. Never forget we (ENA'ers) all caringly love you and that you're a great woman. Take care today and always be positive.

 

Nuturing Hugs,

MG

[Hope75]

Hey RayKay,

 

I know it seems that right now more than ever you need that reassurance from him and so even a little thing like forgetting to add that he loves you in an email can lead to overthinking the situation... but like MoneyGod said, he may just be busy and shot off a quick email or response to you.

 

Try to relax and like Avman said, let things progress naturally. I like his analogy about planting seeds and nurturing them, and the patience and time it takes for them to grow. That's how it was with my bf and I too. It took alot longer than a few days for us to get to the point where we broke up, so naturally it took as just as long (if not longer) to get things back to being right and healthy.

 

I still see alot of positive signs from your boyfriend. I know it's hard not to obsess and read into every little thing, and you will have up and down days... but put some trust and faith in his actions... and the fact that he's still there!

 

((HUGS)) to you- now go do some yoga!

[BellaDonna]

Hi RayKay- it sounds like things are improving more and more. I don't think you need to worry about not his ending the e-mail in "love you" when he already said it in person. Try not to analyze everything too much or you'll drive yourself crazy.

 

The cuddeling in definitely a good sign- though I know you'd probably feel better/more secure once the relationship is officially consumated again......

 

Again, he may need more time before he's ready for that. You are doing a good job of not placing any pressure on him. Maybe you could seduce him though, in subtle ways. (of course you'd want to be as non-obvious as possible).... example: when getting out of the shower pretend you forgot your towel or shampoo or something else and ask him if he can bring it to you. You live together so I'm sure opportunities like that will arise....

 

You're a fan of yoga right? Why not nonchalantly do some while he's home and try some of your more flexible poses- like "scorpion" or

"plow" lol

 

BellaDonna