Advice on opposite sex friendships pls

[crystal67]

Hi

 

I would really welcome some objective advice and will try to be honest and fair when explaining my situation with my partner.

 

We have been together 2 yrs.. When we first started dating he had just come out of a relationship where he had been living with his ex for about 2 and a half yrs. Things had gotten pretty bad between them - she had accused him of cheating on her several times but they finally split when he couldnt commit to marriage which is what she wanted ( and to be fair, he had good reason to). For 2 yrs this woman has plagued our relationship - from trying to getback with him to sending abusive nasty texts.

 

My problem is that my partner seems to have lots of female friends which he insists are platonic. I consider myself to be a rational, easy going person and i have never suffered any form of insecurity in a relationship before but am starting to feel that way now and i dont like it!

 

A few facts about his female friendships:

 

one of his closest friends lives some distance away, and although they dont see each other much, she is obviously important to him - he sends her son birthday cards on his birthday. He admits he has slept with her once, and he occasionaly stays at her house at the weekend when he is in the area on other business. She has a boyfriend. I have never met her.

 

Another of his female friends who lives locally, he goes out for a drink with fairly regularly. They dated for several months some yrs back. I have never met her.

 

Another female friend he met around the time he met me. They met through a shared interest and she used to visit him at home quite often and unexpectantly. She lives fairly local and has even asked if she can stay over at his house wen she has been out drinking with her friends in the town where he lives. He told me this and i said it was a no goer for me and he turned her down. One night when my partner and I were out she sent him a txt "Hi honey, are you home alone?" He showed me the text and we had a huge row about it. He defended their friendship, saying that all it was, and thought i was acting unreasonably. I have never met her.

 

Recently, he asked if i minded if a female friend he has known about seven yrs stayed at his house for a few days as she had nowhere else to go. I said i did mind which he accepted. A few days later we had a row, and when we made up, he told me he had let his friend come and stay, they had had a night out together and she is still there. She has even gone with him on a trip today, which he said was impromtu and not organised that way - she asked if she could join him at the last minute. I have never met her.

 

 

He has other female friends too whom he keeps in fairly regular contact with but i have never met any of them either.

 

My partner lives alone and has never been married. He has told me he has cheated on previous partners, but he would never cheat on me. We split a few months ago (for a few weeks, then got back together, but we remained in constant contact) After we got back together i received an email from a woman claiming to have been seeing him during that time. When questioned, my partner admitted seeing this woman several times but says he never slept with her, and that he ended it.

 

 

Now bizarre as this may sound, i truly love him, trust him and respect him. What really gets my goat is that he thinks i am being unreasonable and unfair to him when i complain about his female friendships and basically accuses me of not trusting him. He says he is who he is and i should respect that and accept that. Should I? am I being unfair to him? I have never asked him to break any of these friendships but i have voiced my disapproval of some of them.

 

I am finding myself in unchartered waters here, and really dont know what to say to him to try and make him understand how i feel. Dont get me wrong - we have other issues to, he has issues with the fact i work long hours and that i smoke and that i dont have enough time for him, but i think the real issue with our relationship is his female friends. He thinks i am trying to change and control him but im not, I dont mind him having the odd female friend.

 

Im struggling with this one big time - any advice welcome

[astaro]

i dont know, really hard to judge but if i was in your showes i would probebly be a hell of a lot more suspicius then you are. if he would have intreduced you to the girls it would have been another story.

 

but considering you've never met them.... sounds odd.

 

do you know if his ex had any reason to accuse him of cheating? has he ever spoken to you about it?

 

 

Edit - if i where you i would ask to meet them, tell him you love him and that you think seeing them and talking to them will make it easier for you (give it some thought though, might have the opposite outcome for you).

 

watch for his reaction, if he's doing something inapropriate my guess is he will try to avoid you meeting them, if its fully platonic i dont think he will have a problem.

[JustaGirl31]

I think that you have a tough situation. I don't think he's respecting the relationship that the two of you have. I'm assuming your relationship with him is exclusive? I think that having a female friend stay over at his house is really inappropriate.

If he respects you and your relationship, he'll find a way to keep in touch with female friends by seeing them in a group setting with you there. He doesn't have to severe those female friendships, but you are his partner, and you should come first.

 

You're not being controlling or trying to change him, he just needs to show more respect for your relationship. If these female friends are his true friends and don't have any other intentions - they will understand. And if he values the relationship you have with him, he should understand.

[agent1607307371]

Why have you never met any of them? Thats a big red flag to me and the first thing I'd change.

[i1dr]

I think you are wonderful for being so trusting. Trust is vital for a good relationship and you have a good heart and you do the right thing in trusting.

You will either get your heart crushed or lay the groundwork for a fantastic relationship and if by ugly chance it is the first case I hope that you keep your exact demenor in the next relationship.

As far as wheter or not he is cheating on you - that is a tough one but probably not. I think it is reasonable to have relationships like he has with the opposite sex and I believe it's a shame that not more of life is lived like that.

 

There is a big "however" here. While I think that healthy relationships which are as much about the other person as oneself should have this kind of freedom it does raise the posibility of being made a fool of and hurt very badly if that trust goes wrong and the person gives in to temptation.

 

The big, and I mean big as in HUGE warning sign here that changes everything is the small detail that you have not met any of these women.

If this is as he describes and he loves you I would expect that he would incorporate you into this part of his life. I can't imagine how he would not want to introduce you to them... to have you meet and be known and to show off the love of his life to his friends - male and female.

 

It's a perfectly natural way to go and the only reason I can think of to be given excuses about meeting his friends would be that - he is a lyar!

 

You have a perfect right (since your bonehead boyfriend must have forgotten to) to ask to come along and socialise with them. If he gives you an excuse it may be valid for one circumstance, so ask again. A second excuse would make me suspicious. If he were to get angry at you for asking or make you feel stupid for it - it is then time to find a real boyfriend because you don't have one. You then have a player. The scum of the earth when someone like you gives so much love and understanding.

 

I hope you have a great boyfriend. I sure sounds like he has an amazing girlfriend.

[treefrogkate]

The big, and I mean big as in HUGE warning sign here that changes everything is the small detail that you have not met any of these women.

 

That was what I was thinking too.

 

Given that you mentioned it, it must be bothering you at least on some level that you've never met them. It seems odd to me that you have never met these friends. Have you met his male friends? If so, why the difference?

 

I think if I were in your situation it would bother me an awful lot that he'd slept with most of these women, and cheated on previous girlfriends, AND that he seems to be keeping you an arms length away from them. It really is a GIANT red flag to me.

 

Have you asked him why you have never met the girls? Have you said anything like "I understand that these friends are very important to you, so I would really like to meet them. If they are special to you, then I'm sure I might want to be friends with them too." If he outright refuses, well then I guess you have some thinking to do.

[crystal67]

Thank you for your replies guys. I really dont know what i was hoping for but you have certainly helped alot.

 

I do trust him and I think its healthy to have friendships of both sexes. I am still very close friends with my ex husband but my partner has met him on more than one occasion.

 

I am going to ask to meet his friends and see what happens. I like to believe he will be happy for me to do so. I will let you know how it turns out.

 

Btw, this is only the second post I have ever made on the internet although i have been surfing for years. I really think, having read some other posts, that this is a wonderfully supportive site with some excellent caring advice given.

 

I think you will see a lot more of me ;-)

[i1dr]

We would like to ... see much more of you. You express yourself well.

[treefrogkate]

I do trust him and I think its healthy to have friendships of both sexes. I am still very close friends with my ex husband but my partner has met him on more than one occasion.

 

I am going to ask to meet his friends and see what happens. I like to believe he will be happy for me to do so. I will let you know how it turns out.

 

I agree. I have a lot of guy friends, and my boyfriend has met almost all of them. I would never object to him meeting them, so I'm hoping asking him to meet them goes well for you.

 

Let us know what happens!

[Batya33]

Why have you never met any of them? Thats a big red flag to me and the first thing I'd change.

 

I second that. Otherwise I think it's fine to have platonic female friendships.

[Aleadragonhawk]

There are two major things here that stood out to me. #1 is that you have never met any of these women. #2 is that the majority of women you described he's either A. had a relationship with or B. slept with. You feeling uncomfortable here is entirely rational. Another thing that screams problem to me here is that his friend wanted to stay with him -- he specifically ASKED you if you minded -- you said YES -- and he STILL had the friend stay with him. This is irresponsible, disrespectful, and flat-out wrong.

[crystal67]

Another thing that screams problem to me here is that his friend wanted to stay with him -- he specifically ASKED you if you minded -- you said YES -- and he STILL had the friend stay with him. This is irresponsible, disrespectful, and flat-out wrong.

 

To be honest, this is probably the one thing that I feel most let down by. It feels like he invited her to stay our of spite because we had had a little tiff. I find that kind of behaviour immature and struggle to accept it.

 

Anyway, we had a little chat last night but didnt really get much further. He has invited me to meet some of his friends, but still has an issue with me feeling uncormfortable. He doesnt agree that its inappropriate for him to have female friends stay over and for them to be alone together, whether he has slept with them previously or not. Its very frustrating, and i feel like banging my head against an immovable object several times over!

 

He offered to kick his friend out this morning (in a kinda stroppy manner, if you know what i mean) which to my mind is totally missing the point. I dont believe she has done anything wrong, and now he has offered to help her in her hour of need, i feel he is obligated to do so.

 

My problem is with the fact that she was ever invited to stay in the first place, when i had already expressed my feelings over the situation.

 

Im getting tired of the whole situation to be honest - I dont think i should have to fight so hard to make my man understand and accept something which is so simple and obvious.

 

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to reply

[Aleadragonhawk]

Crystal, it really does sound like this guy is totally ignoring your emotions and feelings because he has his own desires. Relationships are about compromise, but you shouldn't have to be the one doing all of it! His behavior is really showing that he doesn't care about you.