Who Thinks That NC is Stupid ???

[SuperDave71]

Um...I have to say it's awsome....

 

 

I do agree that it is difficult to do...but as far as how things turned out....

 

 

it was for the best.

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[rocio]

NC isn't a rule. There are certainly couples who don't need it. I've never done NC and haven't had any problems. I like to stay in touch with my ex's because what helps me heal is letting them see what a success I've become!

 

I had one ex who had the top mark in his class in engineering at polytechnique (a prestigous engineering school). I, on the other hand, could barely be bothered to go to class. He used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to do my Masters. Well, as it turns out, I've finished my Masters and he's still got at least a year to go on his. On top of that, he was e-mailing me the other day, asking me to get him a student internship where I work. Haha!

 

I also get better and better looking every year, which makes running into the ex a very satisfying experience!

 

And it also feels good sometimes to have contact with someone who knows you inside out. It's comforting.

 

But contact isn't usually a good idea if one or both of you still wants something from the other person. You have to come to the point where your heart knows that he's the past, not the future.

[need2bme]

PAco: You are correct and I believe especially when you are with someone for that long, you have to go NC.

[arthhtra]

everyone will ultimately go through break ups. He need not understand how eveyone else feels, it dosetn matter. Once you get dumped, and you get hurt by your own false hopes and expectations again and again, until you cant take it anymore. NC is a tough choice, but to me, im sure there are others, NC is the only thing left to do. why are you cutting contact with someone you love? because u are only gettin pure pain and disappointment.

[Daddy Bear]

I've encouraged a few people here on ENA who were suffering to shine somebody on for the time being, and I've certainly done it myself, but I'm not a member of the NC cult that thinks it's mandatory for every breakup. I see it used too often pre-emptively, as a tool for the weak-minded who just want to get back at someone. What if his mother dies? What if she attempts suicide? We all need to be more flexible and forgiving than that system allows, imo.

 

And thinking that it's a magic spell that'll bring an ex back... don't get me started!!

[Brooke657]

I think "NC" is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever heard. I think it's really immature. Once it's over it's over so get over it. Having No Contact with someone will only make it harder once you have to see them again. I think some people on here just need to grow up a little and realize that if you want a civil relationship with an ex you're gonna have to get over yourself, stop avoiding them and talk to them.

[kellbell]

NC is not stupid. It was a lifesaver for me. In my last relationship, there was NOTHING to solve, nothing to talk about, nothing to "smooth over." We talked, talked and talked before about our issues. I was tired of talking. I was tired of the relationship. I had nothing more to give nor to say. Nonetheless, I was no longer in love with him. I should have ended the relationship a year and half before I actually ended it. I would have been hurting myself and him if I continued to prolong the pain, the inevitable. Plus, I was TIRED of doing what was right FOR HIM! I for once, took charge of my life and did was RIGHT FOR ME. I was absolutely exhausted in every respect.

 

No offense friend, until you have been in a romantic relationship, I would wait until you have a stance on NC.

[Brooke657]

Well the people on this site who live by "NC" are incredibly annoying...not saying you live by it or anything. I think it could be helpful in some situations but definatly not all. Alot of these people think it's the only way to do it. It's not.

[kellbell]

While I believe NC is an essential approach in healing, for BOTH persons, NC is not always an option. In cases such as children being involved, shared assets (such as property) and perhaps working in the same place.

 

However, people have to do what is right for him/her. But to come on a forum such as this one and make a statement such as NC is stupid or pointless, well it is quite insensitive to others whom have worked so hard to maintain it, whom feel it what he/she needs to heal and recover. IMO, it is an irresponsible statement to say here. To me, it undermines others' choice in how he/she decided to cope and heal. And we are all here to help and support one another.

 

Now, I can think of when NC might be mean or silly and that is if one person ups and leaves, without a word, no explanation, nothing and just disappears. But the vast majority of the situations here, this is not the case.

 

We have to bear in mind that we all have to do what is right for us and to label something such as NC as stupid, childish, or immature is a bit insentitive to others here whom have chosen to take that path.

[shes2smart]

There is never a one-size fits all solution for the problems people find themselves facing.

 

However, I do think a period of NC is beneficial after the vast majority of break-ups. It offers a time to go off, focus on yourself, and get your bearings after a traumatic event.

 

Now, how long that period of NC lasts is where the gray area comes in.

 

Even with the one ex I keep in touch with, there was a period of about a year when we didn't talk to each other at all. No one went out of their way to avoid the other. We lived in different parts of town, worked at different places and did different things, so we never ran into each other. It was a series of naturally occurring events that put us in contact with each other about a year after we broke up.

 

The break was necessary for both of us to make a smooth transition from being romantically involved for 7 years to being nothing more than friends.

 

Now, with my cheating ex and alcoholic ex...NC is a permanent condition. I cannot see where there is any benefit at all to include people in my life who have a history of intentionally and repeatedly doing things to harm me.

 

Oh, wait...perhaps the benefit is that it allows them to ease their consciences a little bit. Sorry, but I'm not that generous. Their actions were never ok, and the consequence is they're not allowed in my life at all.

[renaissancewoman101]

Brooke, I agree with you, NC should not be a blanket statement suggested to everybody. Sometimes, it's hard to let go of someone, esp when, thorough a breakup, you still want to stay friends with the person. Also, sometimes peope breakup for no other reason than they are not "in love" with the person. That doesnt mean they hated the person or cheated on them, or treated them badly. It just means the feelings werent there and if the dumpee wants to have a friendship, and the dumper doesn't mind, then NC would NOT be appropriate for this situation.

 

NC is mostly good for people who are broken up and are terribly hurt and in terrible pain over the breakup and the dumper doesnt want anything to do with them. Then I could see why NC would be a good idea. It would allow for the poor dumpee to move on from a horrible dumper who dumped them and left them for dead.

[jordan1234]

I think it shoudl be used in certina instances but not always by any means. If you have been broken up with, why would you call that person? I will not call my ex. she broke up with me; we have been off and on for awhile; if she wants to talk then i will talk....BUT i will pick up the phone if she calls, adn talk to her if i see her. Thats my issue with NC. If they call then just pick it up and talk, otherwise i think avoid YOU cantacting THEM is sound.

[Brooke657]

NC is mostly good for people who are broken up and are terribly hurt and in terrible pain over the breakup and the dumper doesnt want anything to do with them. Then I could see why NC would be a good idea. It would allow for the poor dumpee to move on from a horrible dumper who dumped them and left them for dead.

I get what your saying but I just really think there are other ways, even if that is your situation. I don't think anyone is ever "left for dead" when they get dumped I think that's a bit extreme but maybe you were just exagerating. It really bothers me when people on this site talk like a break up is the end of the world. There are soooo many worse things and if they're talking like a break up is the end of the world they obviously haven't been through a whole lot. They need to carry themselves with some dignity. When people do post those kind of threads the answer is like NC NC NC. Maybe I am being insensitive but I really don't feel bad for these people who feel sorry for themselves and cling to "NC" as the only answer. Sure it hurts to talk to them or see them but you just have to suck it up to some extent. The rest, is what your friends are there for.

People are resilient, they can come back from anything. I just really don't see how NC is any way to deal with a situation. It may be helpful for a few days but it's not really a permanent solution.

[kellbell]

"but I really don't feel bad for these people who feel sorry for themselves and cling to "NC" as the only answer."

 

I am curious as to how you came up with this assessment. Actually, I found the opposite. It appears those whom feel sorry for themselves that are the most resistant to heed any advise here, which is usually NC. He/she often feels his/her situation is unique, that no one understands and most resistant to realize that many others here have been there and feel NC is "stupid."

 

Most people whom advocate NC are pretty strong (or on their way to be), have been down that path and are in a better place and know from experience. To me, that is far from being on the "pity pot."

[Brooke657]

I really don't think that NC permanently solves anything. If it worked for you that's great. I really think that just not talking to the person and ignoring them does more harm then good, in some situations of course. It can work but I think it's rarely the only soultion. The only time I can think of where it would be forsure the thing to do would be in an abusive relationship.

[jordan1234]

Brooke,

 

i agree with you in a lot of ways. I think its unhealthy to ignore an ex if they call or text unless they completely screwed you over. I think you should work on being strong enough to pick up the phone or call/text them back.....I do think however that calling or texting an ex after they broke up with you is stupid. imagine you break up with a guy and he calls you every week/day or so to chat. You'd be annoyed....and they would look pathetic.....thats the point of not doing it. Work on your self esteem and yourself. If they call i say talk, but otherwise its time to move on. i dont think thats weak.... its harder in high achool though which is where you are coming from. I woud say do whatever in that case, but you haven't experienced college and beyond type relationships. There are a lot more variables. you dont see them unless oyu wokr with them, and a lot of times there is baggage. you'll see this in the future...

[kellbell]

"I really don't think that NC permanently solves anything."

 

I do not think anyone here, at least me, is trying to help anyone solve anything permantly. But after a breakup, I feel it is important for the person (whether he/she is the dumper or dumpee) to focus on him/herself. Focus on what he/she can do better, re-evalute his/her boundries, basically a time for self-reflection and healing. One cannot do that if she/he is in touch with his/her ex, IMO. A person cannot heal from the pain when the pain (the ex) is still present. It is like a person want his/her head to feel better but keeps banging his/her head against the wall.

 

I have also learned after a significant period of time goes by after NC, the person has a whole new outlook on the situation and in many cases, the person has no desire to smooth things over with the ex, to talk to the ex or what have you, his/her feelings changed dramatically. After being on this forum for over a year and have spent countless hours here, I have seen being in touch with an ex does more harm to the person than not. Actually, we have one member here whom has a thread that is like 80 pages long on his saga trying to win his ex back. This man, two years later is in no better place and STILL hurting.

 

It is my belief I do not think it is fair to dangle carrots to an ex. And I feel that contact of any kind is a carrot. It is hope, when the case may be, there is no hope. How is that fair to either person?

[Brooke657]

I'm definatly not saying call them or text them all the time. But yeah your right I haven't expirenced college and beyond relationships so it could be differnt. Yeah it is harder in high school because you still have to see that person everyday which is probably why I don't see it as a good option now.

[Cyprian]

Brooke did you recently dump a guy and he instituted NC?

 

If you don't like NC, don't do it. Period. Don't bash other people's decisions though.

 

I think the truth is that when the day comes (and it will) that your heart is completely shattered...someone you trusted and loved with all your heart has betrayed you or left you, you might just realize what NC is all about...

[Brooke657]

kellbell I think maybe you and I are on two opposite extremes of the NC thing. I can see where your coming from but I don't agree that any contact is "dangling carrots". Texting them everyday sure but just saying hi or how are you...not really.

[Brooke657]

No I'm actually best friends with my ex. I'm not bashing their decisions if that worked for someone great I'm saying that I don't think it's a good idea. It doesn't work for everyone and it can make things harder.

[kellbell]

LOL, I am not trying to be difficult. hehe...

 

 

Guess I just had too much coffee!

[shes2smart]

School...especially high school...is nothing like "real life."

 

Out here, you can go about your business and never run into an ex...doesn't take any special effort to NOT run into them. Usually it takes special effort to run into them. I've never run into an ex post-break up when I was going about the business of my life....even when we lived in the same town. Perhaps that's just a reflection of how little we truly had in common....

 

Unless, of course, one was foolish enough to date someone they worked with. There's a reason they say "don't get your honey where you get your money." Work has always been a refuge for me in the aftermath of a break-up. To mess that up by getting into a relationship with a co-worker would've been a very poor choice on my part.

[rocio]

School...especially high school...is nothing like "real life."

 

 

 

Thank god!

[Brooke657]

Yeah I get that, but I'm saying like if you happen to bump into them don't ignore them. Don't persue or anything but don't purposly try to have no contact with them.