SHY GUYS: Who raised you?

[MissPhenominal2]

I believe there are different reasons on why somebody is shy, not necessarily b/c One was raised only with a Mother and what not. For example, Me, I was raised with both Parents, when i was young i was really outgoing, extroverted, talked alot, as i was growing up i got Trichotillomania (Compulsive Disorder in which You pull out your hair), and little by little after time passed, that made me more and more shy/introverted.I would say when i was about 14/15 i completely changed, why, cuz as time passed, you could of seen light spots on my hair, which became bald spots in certain parts of my head and i didn't want to draw attention from anybody, though i was still very friendly and was friends with alot of people, but i was the more quiet one of the group.

 

So to me, when somebody is shy is because theres something going on in their life, doesn't have to be Trich obviously, but whether its cuz they're too fat, too skinny, a huge mole in their face, something they don't feel comfterable with, and are afraid of what people might think of them and all that stuff that goes with being shy...Just my opinion, didn't mean to offend anybody just incase

[Lumpy70]

Raised by both parents, first born, single sex education - very shy.

 

But like lots of people I have a mask - I spend all my spare time teaching aerobics to big groups of people - "he's shy - never!!".

 

I only get shy when its somebody who actually matters, the rest of the time the mask stays on.

[JohnsburySnipe]

Well I'm quite shy, I'm not great at initiating conversation with strangers, and if I do, most of the time it's a guy because like someone said earlier, at least we have something (sex) in common.

 

I would say from being a baby to about 10 years old I was quite outgoing. I was still a little shy but I could make friends easily, I remember always being outspoken and not being afraid to be myself around people, then age started catching up and I started feeling imperfect and insecure, specially around gurls, and when other guys started getting the attention, the likes, and kisses I would cringe in my shell and suffer from the "poor me snydrome" and feel like "why?". To this day I'm still shy around gurls, it's very hard for me to just start talking to them at ease, guys its a little easier but I don't really attempt at making conversation. Keep to myself mostly.

 

I'm an only child, raised by my mother, my father was never around, my mother was raised as an only child also by her father only, her mom was never around, so she and I always seemed like opposites who are the same to me, she's also quite shy, she only has about 3 friends she's able to talk to on the regular, other than that she only talks to people when doing business.

 

I've always thought I inherited her characteristics/personality alot, she's quite possessive in some ways but gives me alot of freedom at the same time. A lot of times she would try to mould me into that perfect little angel that mothers always try to make their sons out to be, but she was conscious of it so she stepped back whenever she felt necessary and gave me my way with things. Also from when I was a baby until even today, she's always encouraged and pretty much dictated to me don't get a gurlfriend till you've graduated college, basically wanting me to "succeed in life" rather then get caught up when I was young and fukk up my life as a stupid teen over some gurl. This, I think, had a terrible impact on me, I felt like if my moms can't trust me enough to try to date girls, then what's the point? And even till now I've never had a girl.

 

The absense of fathers also, I think has a huge effect since there's no emasculating role there to school a man, mothers can only do so much to raise a man, and there are simply certain things that can't do or teach. I think with a father there, keeping in tact a structured family household emphasizes especially the importance of it to the children growing up in it.

[Altruist]

Thanks for all your insights.

Due to the large number of posts confirming this, I have also added this to the original post:

 

(4) parents not having friends (i.e also shy), can unwittingly school their children to be shy.

 

(5) a physically/sexually abusive parent can totally erode a child's confidence and make them shy.

 

I also realised that:

-being brutally taunted by kids at school can also lead to withdrawal and shyness

-some physical condition/trait can lead to self-consciousness and in an effort not to draw attention to it, one can become withdrawn.

 

Situational shyness:

Like the aerobics instructor mentioned above, some people can be shy only in certain situations. This kind of shyness is easy to overcome because you only need to realize what is making you uncormfortable around that particular oerson and deal with that trigger.

I have also seen some people who are completely uninhibited when in a crowd but clam up in one-on-one interactions.

[Blackhawk2009]

i was very shy in my middle school years and slightly in highschool..i didnt have many if any friends until my latter years in highschool. I seem to be getting out of the shyness a bit now but it still shows...doesnt really help me with the whole being single situation

[Altruist]

^I'm glad you're getting over it!

 

Is shyness something that disappears when one hits the thirties? Coz there seems to be very few shy people beyond thirty on this forum.

[GettingBetter]

Well, I was shy up until my sophomore year in college, where (ahem... clears throat) my academic prowess began to foster newfound confidence. (The math and physics departments at school are my domain, although my confidence is beginning to seep over into other aspects of my life as well. Alas, it's also beginning to form a bit of arrogance in some areas.)

 

The way I see it, things are often enough reversing now (although not always). I find some of the most outgoing people growing up are now becoming more shy--perhaps "put in place" by the real world; and yet some of the shyer people like me are becoming much more outgoing.

 

At least in my case, my dad has a very strong personality, and with very high expectations. While that made me shy while I was younger, I now feel I was more prepared for the "real world" than most of my outgoing friends (who incidentally had typically more reserved parents).

 

One of my friends started school a year younger than everyone else. For years he was very shy--almost painfully shy--and yet, growing up like that conditioned him to be now one of the most outgoing people I know. The exact opposite applies to my friend who was very outgoing as a child--he had an unrealistic perspective of the world, from which he finally awoke after graduating high school--and now he's rather shy.

 

While personalities still play a role, I think most people go through a shy stage of variable degree sometime in their life, and these factors we're discussing only determine when.

[fredthebread]

^I'm glad you're getting over it!

 

Is shyness something that disappears when one hits the thirties? Coz there seems to be very few shy people beyond thirty on this forum.

 

Well in your thirties, you should have developed more self acceptance, but not everybody does. Everybody has to work on this stuff, for some it happens easily coz they have had good upbringings etc. but for others it is a longer process. But we should all be working on self actualization

[Altruist]

Well, I was shy up until my sophomore year in college, where (ahem... clears throat) my academic prowess began to foster newfound confidence. (The math and physics departments at school are my domain, although my confidence is beginning to seep over into other aspects of my life as well. Alas, it's also beginning to form a bit of arrogance in some areas.)

 

 

You bring up a very important point GettingBetter. I have noticed that academic prowess can bring popularity and positive reinforcement which instills confidence.

[Dan629]

I am a pretty shy person.. My parents split up when I was only three but I spent plenty of time with both of them. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother who are all older. None of them are shy at all. However, My older brother, who I always spent most of my time with, is very outspoken and opinionated. He is always the one cracking jokes and attracting attention. Maybe this helps your study.

[Altruist]

I am a pretty shy person.. My parents split up when I was only three but I spent plenty of time with both of them. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother who are all older. None of them are shy at all. However, My older brother, who I always spent most of my time with, is very outspoken and opinionated. He is always the one cracking jokes and attracting attention. Maybe this helps your study.

 

Thanks for your contribution Dan.

 

I found this link which you may all find interesting to read which shows that shyness is strongly related to the family setting:

 

link removed

 

Keep the insights coming.

[JimmerJammer]

Well from what I've observed growing up I know I came from a broken family and there were a lot of things that were not ideal. It was pretty easy to be envious of others even though I chose not to be. Anyways when I was younger much younger I was THE MOST outgoing kid on the block. I talked to everybody and got to know them in ways that touched them. I made an effort and I was just a kid so people knew me.

 

Now what's shocking and still surprising to me is who I have become since then. I struggle with being outgoing for a myriad of reasons, but I DO know that my behaviour was not approved of by my mother as that is who I was raised by, but my dad promoted and encouraged it; only he wasn't around long enough to help it flourish. I felt because I was influenced by my environment , I began to feel insecure about who I was being and question myself and I soon after became more and more self-conscience and by the time I hit first grade, I was already seeking out the approval of others.

 

I basically learned to keep quiet and say nothing. To not be noticed and to not stand above the crowd while I personally had a lot going for me. I later found that my outgoing, charming, opening personality was sought as something to be squandered as I was told to believe the world was a dangerous place and your best off living in your own little bubble than be the person I felt I should be.

[BigGeek]

I was raised by both parents, but when my parents had me they moved out to a house in the country. Which I think may have had something to with my shyness since it was a LOONGG walk just to get to the neighbor's house, I never had many friends to play with, so I found computers when I was 10 to compensate

 

My mother had all of the influence when it came to things like school, cleanliness etc... but my father was the one that would take me hunting, fishing so, I don't know which would have had been more assertive.

[Miss M]

Its not that I don't want to do anything its just that I have no ability to on-the-spot decipher the codes that you women throw. This might be an example of how strangely my brains works, like how if I don't understand something my brain will chew on it for an extremely long period of time until I do get it. For and example for how long, in 8th (1998) grade a really nice girl was flirting with me. I didn't figure it out until after I graduated in 2002. In a similar manner, a couple years ago I just figured out that a girl my senior year was into me.

I've been trying to figure out shy guys, and this helps a lot, thanks.

 

*******

 

I tend to see shyness as overlapping with introversion (I could be wrong about that?). I don't see introversion/shyness as anything to be overcome. I have mostly strong shy/introverted aspects, 80-90%, (and occasionally extroverted), but I don't view shyness as a problem. I'm really very content with my shyness. Often it is the not-shy people think who give shy people the feeling we need to change. I started accepting it better after I read the book The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney.

 

By the way, I've never rejected shy guys just because they were shy, but I probably didn't know they were interested in me, because shyness often looks and feels just like rejection when viewed from the outside. When compared with the guys who are expressing an interest, a shy guy really seems to be saying he's definitely NOT interested.

[Altruist]

It can. I was one of the most shy people on earth as a teen. I mean so shy it almost crippled my life.

 

I slowly started growing out of it after my first job dealing with the public. By the time I was 30 I was all but completely out of it. AT 40, I am still introverted as in the activities I often prefer but I am not shy in the least.

 

I am not saying this is something we SHOULD overcome but I am saying that many do overcome as they get older. Some never do. I have met many shy 50 year olds before.

 

Personally I hated being shy and overcoming it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Some people like Miss M who don't mind it should not feel compelled to do so.

 

Thanks for the post Jadedstar and all the other contributors. I guess being shy would not be a problem if the shy people were not worried about. Most people (I may be generalizing here) see it as a problem because it interferes with their happiness and they would feel much happier if they could just come out of their shells.

[ActionJackson]

Yeah my parents were negative when I was a kid and still are but they losened up a bit. They kept me at home on the weekends instead of out socializing witl other kids in my younger years. They were so stirct to the point that everything I said or did was enough to be punished for. I just basically withdrew from the world and had no friends in elementry and jr. high. Finally got smart in high school and got in sports and its helped with the depression but not too much. I don't have suicideal thoughts anymore but depression still remains and hurts so. Pretty much any failure I go thought just stabs at my heart. I tried asking a girl out recentally but I was way too shy to actually complete it. I sent her box of chocolates on Valentines day which was probably a mistake and when I didnt see her with them and heard she like someone else my confidence hope and everything droped to zero. So in turn i havent even bothered really getting into another girl for the fear of that pain. Maybe thats what happens to other people, I don't know.

 

Sorry it its poorly written and hope this helps with you study thing there Altruist

[Altruist]

Thanks ActionJackson (nice name btw). This forum will help you to improve your relationships. Just stick around and browse all the forums regularly and ask for advice.

All the best.

[MasterofStrategery]

I think most shy people are born with a genetic disposition to be shy, but environmental factors affect how shy they actually become. I was raised by both parents. My Dad is very outgoing, my mom is shy, in some ways less than me, in other ways more so. I think my Dad's behavior contributed somewhat, as I often felt he'd say something inappropriate to strangers and it embarrassed me, making me afraid I'd embarrass itself. He also was very strict in some respects, and especially would punish me when he perceived I was being disrespectful to him. Sometimes I was, but others I honestly think I was not. He'd be so pissed if he know I thought this, but I think he raised me how he thought his parents should have raised him, as he was an only spoiled child, and I think he feels he didn't capitalize on his potential enough, even though he earned a Ph.D.Unfortunately, I think the effect of it is that I'm only beginning to maximize my potential now. I don't blame my Dad though, he's done everything he can to help me overcome my shyness, while loving me unconditionally.

[ultraviolet]

I think we're born "shy," but parents can have a powerful influence as to how introverted we truly become. I've seen this with my own nephew. He was born an introvert in an extroverted family. But his parents both work, so he's had to get used to being taken care of by a big extended family network and deal with lots of social interaction that he might not have innately preferred to participate in. But because the majority of these interactions have been positive loving, fun experiences, he's slowly learned to trust others (by trusting his parents, etc.) and come out of his shell. He is always a little slower than his extroverted sisters to warm up to strangers, but he doesn't hide from new acquaintances or avoid them like he did when he was a lot younger. I attribute this to his parent's loving determination to give their children as many positive opportunities to socialize as possible and to keep unhealthy fear (in this case shyness) from allowing them to grow as social individuals.

 

I really observe their family interactions with interest, because I myself am a shy person and to this day I find it awkward at times to meet new people. But I would never 'blame' the way I am on my parents. It's been pretty clear to my extroverted family from day one that I was born an introvert. They and my godmother who babysat me have told me numerous time that when I was little I tended to be 'crabby' and cry a lot especially if I was forced to be around large groups of people.

 

As for your conclusions, I don't find any of them to be true for me. Being an introvert for me has a more to do with my feelings (very emotional, sensitive, thus social interactions seem very overwhelming) and the way I see myself (a tendency to be too nice and thereforeeee vulnerable) in the world versus anything my parents may or may not have done. For instance...

 

(1) I was brought up by both parents in a loving home.

(2) I was allowed to go out and play as long as I finished my homework. In fact my parents were always encouraging me to go out and exercise and socialize more.

(3) I was the oldest child. I wouldn't say I was dominant, but being that I had a 7 year head start over my sibling, I'd definitely say I was a benign ruler.

(4) My parents weren't social butterflies, but they weren't shy either. As a family we'd play sports with a large group of friends once a week and attend informal parties with the same group at least once a month.

(5) No physical or sexual abuse, unless you count the occasional spanking as such.

 

If there's one thing I do wish my parents did differently, it's that I wish they encouraged me more to focus on my strengths. As I excelled in school and teachers complimented me, I grew out of my shell and became more confident. I think parents who tend to focus on what's 'wrong' with their child instead of celebrating what's right, shouldn't be surprised if they children struggle to find their place in the world.

 

One more story: I have a male friend who's even shyer than me. But unlike him I do not believe that it's so "okay" to use shyness as an excuse not to make an effort to socialize with others. His parents are both shy and they let him excuse his refusal to interact with others because he's so "smart" and special. As a result he has little to no social skills and although he graduated from college with honors, he couldn't land one internship which unfortunately has practically limited all chances for him to get a good paying job in his field. Since graduation, he's had one job for 6 months where he kept to himself and deliberately refused to 'fit in' in terms of dress and participation in company charity events because in his words "The quality of my work is all that should matter." Unfortunately it did matter and he was the first to be fired when things got bad.

 

I mention him, because although his parents both being shy may have biologically contributed to his being born shy, I believe the way they raised him ("It's okay to avoid making small talk and getting to know people if you don't want to, because you're smarter than them.") is what's really hurting him today. If they had raised him, like my nephew was raised, I think his life would have been completely different and that he'd be one of the most well paid and respected men in his field. Instead he's bitter, has no friends (except me and even that's "shaky"), and whenever things go wrong for him, he blames everyone else for not getting how 'special' he truly is.

 

Being fired woke up him to the reality that the world isn't going to spoon feed you like your parents for being "special," but unfortunately he still chooses to cling to the belief that if you're smart and just work harder than anyone else in this office, that people will like you and want to work and be friends with you. I think it might take a couple of more bad experiences in the working world before he realizes that how well you "fit in" (or at least try!) is just as important.

[solacean]

Is shyness something that disappears when one hits the thirties? Coz there seems to be very few shy people beyond thirty on this forum.

 

My suspicion is that older shy people are less likely to be posting about their shyness on the Internet. For myself, I think my shyness has intensified with age (I'm in my mid 40's now). In fact, when I was around 20 years old I did try on a number of occasions to interact with women in ways that I'd never be able to do now. In fact when I think back on it, I can hardly believe it was me doing those things, even though all my attempts at interaction back then failed utterly.

[Miss M]

^ That's a good point. I'm "old" and my shyness/introversion got MUCH more intense as I got older. But in my case it was also tied into a lot of emotional issues that I've been working on in therapy. Yeah, sometimes I really do miss some of those more extroverted aspects of myself.

[Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll]

^ That's a good point. I'm "old" and my shyness/introversion got MUCH more intense as I got older. But in my case it was also tied into a lot of emotional issues that I've been working on in therapy. Yeah, sometimes I really do miss some of those more extroverted aspects of myself.

 

 

being shy and being introverted are two different things....not even in the same leauge

 

an introvert is a person who likes too spend time with themselves rather than be in a crowd of people, they ride solo and love doing things by themselves....i would know im an introvert, but i can be just as loud and outgoing as an extrovert i just choose not too at times.

 

 

a shy person is an extroverted person whos afraid too venture out beacuse they think the worst before they even think the best.

[Leonhart]

being shy and being introverted are two different things....not even in the same leauge

 

an introvert is a person who likes too spend time with themselves rather than be in a crowd of people, they ride solo and love doing things by themselves....i would know im an introvert, but i can be just as loud and outgoing as an extrovert i just choose not too at times.

 

 

a shy person is an extroverted person whos afraid too venture out beacuse they think the worst before they even think the best.

 

That's true, although you CAN be a shy introvert as well. Shyness hits both types.

[Miss M]

being shy and being introverted are two different things....not even in the same leauge

I disagree. I think there's a lot of overlap, but I acknowledge that others have a different opinion about that. For clarity I intentionally put both terms together because I'm indeed both shy and introverted, and often I refer to those two traits jointly, (especially when I'm talking about myself).

 

an introvert is a person who likes too spend time with themselves rather than be in a crowd of people, they ride solo and love doing things by themselves....i would know im an introvert, but i can be just as loud and outgoing as an extrovert i just choose not too at times.

Did you notice the book I mentioned earlier in the thread, The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney?... Here's other detailed posts I wrote about the book almost two years ago...

 

and

...so, it's ironic now that you're explaining the aspects of introversion to me.

[Hackuuna Matata]

My shyness developed solely because in my early teens I had bad acne. My dad and older brother also had very bad acne as youth, but to other kids it doesn't matter if there's a large genetic component to the acne: you're seen as unclean and a freak! Unfortunately being an Introvert I really wasn't all that uncomfortable being shy and never really liked large attention anyway so I failed to seek real medical help to fight the acne.

 

Finally, towards the end of my teenage years, I asked my doctor for some help. With my doctors guidance I found some medication and creams that helped immensely even though I could never 100% get rid of the acne (it affected my upper chest, lower back, upper back, face and neck...). To this day I am still using the medications and fighting the good fight to get rid of this stupid acne but it's just incredibly hard for me.

 

As for how this relates to the topic of the OP: My mom was always very shy (due to her own insecurities) and it may have rubbed off on me a little, but I feel the vast majority of my shyness came from my acne. After getting treatment I viewed myself in a much more positive light and exercised more, ate healthier, and in general became a much happier person. If I fancy a conversation with someone I no longer have any qualms starting one. If I want to speak up in a group I will.

 

But make no mistake: I am still very much an introvert. I simply do not crave the attention of others to make myself happy. I have always been able to find happiness alone and I have had almost no problems being around others (when those situations come up). In fact, most people are really shocked at how well I am able to carry myself in very high pressure situations (where I am the focus of attention; for example, giving an important presentation in front of a crowd) given that I am so introverted.

 

So in summary, acne caused the vast majority of my shyness and I feel my parents had very little to do with it.