Women tell me if this poem will make you cry?

[Blinking101]

Alright I am not good at writing poems or anything. But for v-day I am going to give this to the girl of my dreams. We've been through a lot and have broken up over reasons on my part. If you would like to review my posts you can. I am going to give her a single rose and get down on my knees and read her this poem. But the only thing I need help on is. How should I end the poem. The poem is saying just give me one more chance to show you that I am not going to question everything you say. It's tell her my love for her. I just need a professional to tell me how I should close my poem. And tell me will it make a girl cry and if you could point out any errors. Thank you. I need to win this girl back and she is amazing.

 

 

Poem:

I know you have been thinking about me a lot. And theirs a lot going through you head at these hard times. I shall give you a rose and even a kiss to revive your love for me. I shall tell you from my heart and you shall look me in the eyes. I know you don’t believe I have changed or maybe you do. I ask you to take my hand and tell me an answer. If you will let me place my hand in your hand and tell you from love that I have changed for this very first time. The changes are great and will bring you comfort and hope. These changes are for you and only you. So please let me show you that I can do it. We have been through the rain and the sun; we’ve over come many great obstacles. We’ve even been through tough times together. You can see I want to be your knight in shinning armor; I want to put you on my horse and ride off in the sun set. I want you to put your arms around me to show me trust and courage to hold on. And I’ll watch your hair blow so slowly in the wind. When you go to bed I’ll hang your halo on the wall. And let my angel sleep till the very next day. I want to show you a new start. I’ll show you one that will take you head over hills. I state my love for you at this very moment, and looking in your gorgeous eyes I can still hear you sing. You’ll sing the night away and everyone will stand up and give you an applause. And you’ll look in the crowed place and find me their. You’ll find an romantic guy, a guy who can really do it. I want to show you a new way. A new portion of my heart. Every time I close my eyes I see you running down a secret garden. A garden that grows from the love I have for you. You’re running with your arms so wide open and the flowers just flowing through your finger tips. Theirs a misty fog on the ground and the sun lights your perfect body. You’ll appear to me as an angel. So I ask you for one last chance. To show you that I am the knight you’ve been prolonging to find.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

It wouldn't make me cry.

 

It's all a matter of personal taste. Its not my taste that counts - hope she likes it, she ought to at the very least appreciate the effort.

 

Shouldn't it be "longing" rather than "prolonging" in the last line?

 

I admire your romantic spirit.

[Blinking101]

It wouldn't make me cry.

 

It's all a matter of personal taste. Its not my taste that counts - hope she likes it, she ought to at the very least appreciate the effort.

 

Shouldn't it be "longing" rather than "prolonging" in the last line?

 

I admire your romantic spirit.

 

Thank you, I have fixed that error. I am trying to make this poem bring tears to her eyes so she can feel the love. But how would I achieve that? I want this v-day to be special and great. And I do hope she'll take me back. And yes I do have a big romantic spirit.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'm not sure tears are a very good guide - its probably more important to regularly assess how you are both acting in a relationship?

 

I'm off on a tangent here, but if I wanted someone back I'd take the simple approach - max three lines, in a good quality card, something like "I'd be honoured if you would talk to me - you're all I can think about and I love you". And a phone number.

[Parsley]

Like Anti-love said, it's more a matter of personal taste. If you think this is what would bring tears to her eyes, then ok.

 

My own personal opinion is that it jumps around, from realism to fantasy...I would stick to one or the other.

 

If you are intending to reach out to her heart, remember things that you shared, inside jokes, special moments. Use words that you don't use with other people. Be simplistic - don't go over the top when there is no need to.

 

As many people have said here...you can't win someone back. Maybe, I concede, you can remind someone of something, but you have to do it simply.

 

I'd say keep it short and sweet, and decide on a structure, rather than straight out like you have written it here. It appears to be more like prose - a speech, than a heartfelt poem.

 

Sorry if that seems harsh...I was a creative writing student, and heard enough about poetry to last me a lifetime.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Ahhh...poetry.

 

The one I love and think of

All day and every night

Its you my dear and you alone

That sets my heart alight

 

Your soft mouth begs for

Kissing, its really so divine

Would you do me the honour

Of being my Valentine?

 

I couldn't resist..sorry. But I DO concur with the point Parsley made about fantasy, which can seem a little bit heavy.

[Blinking101]

hmmm how could you rewrite this in a professional way to reach out and grab / touch her heart?

[Scotcha]

I wouldn't read this to her while on your knees. That could get your intent confused with a marriage proposal and doing that could make things quite sticky.

[savoie]

i made a quick edit. take what you want from it. i think that it is important that it comes from you in the way that you express yourself. i personally would not dwell on the negatives - i would focus on the fact you want a chance to prove to her that things will be different. I also don't understand all of the knight and angel stuff - but if it is symbolic of something between you - then it doesn't matter if it makes sense to me.

 

This rose represents my love for you. I tell you this from my heart as we look into each other’s eyes. I want to show you that I have changed. I ask that you to take my hand and allow me to show you who I am and how I feel about you. Together we have felt the rain and together we have felt the sun. You and I have overcome great obstacles. I want to be your knight in shining armor. I want to put you on my horse and ride off into the sunset. I want you to put your arms around me and show me your trust and courage to hold on – to us. I’ll watch your hair blow slowly in the wind. When you tire, I’ll hang your halo on the wall and let my angel sleep till the very next day. This is a new beginning. This time I’ll show you a man who will take you head over heels. I state my love for you at this very moment. As I look into your gorgeous eyes I hear you sing. You’re singing the night away to great applause. I envision you looking in a crowed place and you find me, standing there - a romantic guy, a guy who knows what he wants – seeing what he wants. There is a new dimension to my heart. Every time I close my eyes I see you running down a secret garden. A garden that grows from the love I have for you. You’re running with your arms wide open with flowers flowing through your finger tips. There is a misty fog on the ground and sunbeams peeking through the mist illuminate your perfect body. You appear to me as an angel as you are standing before me now. So I ask you for this chance. To show you that I am the knight that you’ve longed for.

[jengh]

I think it's a really sweet poem and she should be very touched by it. However, I'm a loser when it comes to grammar so I'm going to edit it for you

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

It wouldn't make me cry

 

It's just sooo...... cheesy?

 

Im sorry i just had to say it

[jengh]

It's not cheesy. It's heartfelt. You can tell everything he wrote has come from deep inside the heart.

 

And if you haven't noticed, everything about valentine's day is cheesy.

[jengh]

How are you going to present the poem to her?

If you're looking for ideas, get some nice, thick cardstock (you can get it from scrapbooking stores or cheaper stuff at wal-mart), print it on that... then, either put a sheet of transparent vellum over it and punch holes in both and tie it together with a ribbon, or skip the vellum and mount it on another cardstock and tie a ribbon at the top (by ribbon, I mean something small and neurtal-colored)

[savoie]

aww - i don't think it is cheesy. it is how he feels about her - in his own words.

 

i think jen has a great idea - printing it on something pretty.

[DN]

I think it is heartfelt and good for that reason.

 

But - two people think it cheesy and that is a legitimate opinion because it is how they feel. Are you comfortable taking the risk that she will also think it cheesy - or worse, that it would make her laugh rather than cry?

 

I think ALS's first idea involves less risk and would make your point at least as effectively.

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

Well its just cheesy for me cause i don't really like that much romantic stuff but i know a friend who would love it

[Blinking101]

I have made a lot of edits and changes to my poem. So it sounds pretty good with what I got now. Now the big question is. I am going to give her this poem via mouth. So this is going to be hard. Because I am very nervous and on top of that scared out of my bones. Because I believe I am walking into this with a 50/50 chance she will take me back. She has told her sister she still loves me. And she has told my friend that "She does not know if she is going to take me back, but she's been thinking about me a lot". So I hope it all goes well Wednesday.

[g1234567890h]

The only thing that made me cry was the grammer and spelling mistakes. You also use way, way too many semicolons.

 

I'm not a woman so I don't know if it would make women cry or not. I've written things that have made my girlfriend cry on a few occasions. This would not make my girlfriend cry, but my girlfriend isn't your girlfriend. Her ex used to write her stuff like this and she shows it to me because it makes her laugh.

 

I'm sorry to break it to you, but that's not really a poem at all. It's more of a monologue. It could be a lyrical monologue if you really stretched it, but personally- this is coming from a published author- it's not really lyrical either. You see, a poem needs to have meter. It needs to have some sort of predictable flow or else it just gets jumbled up. I don't mean to discourage you, but this is simply not a poem.

[luvingxsomeonexspecial]

it wouldn't make me cry. i think its really sweet and she'd love it.

[Blinking101]

Well she does like this kind of stuff. Romantic stuff and she likes tastes of fantasy words too. I have made many edits to it and I am going with a little bit of everyones advice. So I believe it is going to make her cry because I wrote her something like this awhile back and she loved it so much she was crying for 4 hours about it.

[EvaGina]

I think its overly sentimental.

You can be heartfelt without being cliche

I would put in more references to her as well, this could be for anyone

and break it up into lines, a text wall is never fun to read

 

good luck

 

I got given a poem once, and its fantasticly written, but it still just makes me cringe.

I wonder where it is...

[Blinking101]

Well she loved it and started to cry. She took me back. And I have not asked her a single stupid question. So I am going do. And I haven't questioned anything she has said. So I am doing really good. My V-Day was great.

[EvaGina]

Well she loved it and started to cry. She took me back. And I have not asked her a single stupid question. So I am going do. And I haven't questioned anything she has said. So I am doing really good. My V-Day was great.

 

congratulations

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

Well she loved it and started to cry. She took me back. And I have not asked her a single stupid question. So I am going do. And I haven't questioned anything she has said. So I am doing really good. My V-Day was great.

 

Go you!!Im glad she liked it

[Parsley]

Aw, I'm so glad for you!