"Appropriate" flirting

[loverhersomuch]

I'm 41 and she's about to turn 39.

 

For what it's worth, I've been divorced for about 10 years now, had one other substantial live-in relationship between the divorce and the current relationship (and a handful of insubstantial ones). I have 2 mostly grown children who do not live with us.

 

She has never been married but has lived briefly with a couple guys. No children and doesn't want them. Most recently she was in a 4 year relationship that ended badly. She had been dating around for a couple years before we met.

[EvaGina]

wow...

 

I would have figured she was in her teens.

 

Its up to you really, either you live with it or you dont

[cantexplain]

I'm 41 and she's about to turn 39.

 

And at 39 still clearly she does not want to settle down nor respect your feelings? Is that what you want? Is that what your kids want for you?

 

At age 39 she engages in the interchange of explicit sexual language in your home? What if your kids poked around in that computer and saw what was on her mind?

[Batya33]

I agree that she should not be involved with your kids. I disagree that staying friends with exes is always a bad idea. It depends on the individual situation and on how the couple feels about it. To prohibit an SO from doing so under any circumstances is controlling.

[Altruist]

She has lost respect for the relationship, probably because of the long time that you two have been together. The spark is gone ow and there is really nothing to look forward to which imo, is her fault i.e: she doesn't want kids, she doesn't want marriage. In such a situation, things tend to become boring and predicable, and she is using the sleezy messages as an outlet. She shows immaturuty and does not want to face up to reality. Perhaps you two should try counselling as a last resort. If she doesn't change, then move on with you life.

[loverhersomuch]

Thank you all for your comments and advice.

 

I think this is similar to one of those stereotypical cases where the woman is attracted to the "bad guy" (not that I'm saying any of these other men are "bad") but knows it is in her best interest to settle down with the "good guy", i.e. me.

 

I go back and forth (almost by the hour) whether or not to end the relationship. We are so well matched in almost every respect which, after several short-term and a few long-term relationships, I'm finding isn't a situation that is easy to find.

 

On the other hand, if she's trying to find excitment outside of our relationship because she is unhappy, and that leads to my unhappiness, then perhaps it is better to move on.

 

I don't want to compromise on something that hurts me deeply right now, but neither do I want to close my mind to an alternate viewpoint.

 

We have agreed to increase our level of communication, particularly around sex and finding ways to increase the "spark" in our relationship, and the counselling option is always open.

 

Thanks again.

[Batya33]

I don't think counseling will work unless she agrees to stop that specific behavior - the crossing the line flirting - counseling requires a real commitment to working things out and won't work well if she keeps one foot out the door.

[ghost69]

you should have ended this relationship back when you found out long ago. i mean, if you addressed this before and she didn't change, see ya!

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