loverhersomuch

Thank you all for your comments and advice. I think this is similar to one of those stereotypical cases where the woman is attracted to the "bad guy" (not that I'm saying any of these other men are "bad") but knows it is in her best interest to settle down with the "good guy", i.e. me. I go back and forth (almost by the hour) whether or not to end the relationship. We are so well matched in almost every respect which, after several short-term and a few long-term relationships, I'm finding isn't a situation that is easy to find. On the other hand, if she's trying to find excitment outside of our relationship because she is unhappy, and that leads to my unhappiness, then perhaps it is better to move on. I don't want to compromise on something that hurts me deeply right now, but neither do I want to close my mind to an alternate viewpoint. We have agreed to increase our level of communication, particularly around sex and finding ways to increase the "spark" in our relationship, and the counselling option is always open. Thanks again.

I'm 41 and she's about to turn 39. For what it's worth, I've been divorced for about 10 years now, had one other substantial live-in relationship between the divorce and the current relationship (and a handful of insubstantial ones). I have 2 mostly grown children who do not live with us. She has never been married but has lived briefly with a couple guys. No children and doesn't want them. Most recently she was in a 4 year relationship that ended badly. She had been dating around for a couple years before we met.

Actually she is the one who has some commitment-phobia. Her mother was married 5 times and she wants no part of being "tied down" by marriage. That being said, she has said that she is in this for the "long haul" with me because we are so compatible. The self-esteem issues stem from growing up a little overweight, and her mother setting unrealistic expectations. When she bloomed late and men started to become attracted to her, it was like a drug. Now she says she needs the stimulation of flirting but with me she has everything else.

That's what I'm trying to figure out. We went to counselling over this the first time and I made it clear that I either wanted the heavy sexual flirting to stop or the relationship had to end. For 2+ years there was no indication that anything untoward was happening. She admittedly suffers from low self-esteem and likes the thrill of flirting; says it gives her a "spark" that isn't the same after 5 years with me. I understand all of that, but the overt sexuallity of these relationships goes beyond what I consider reasonable. She is very attractive, BTW, both physically and in her mannerisms. She has been dealing with men coming on to her for years. When she says she can have a sexually charged relationship with another man, but not sleep with them...well, I mostly believe her. It's really more of a cat-and-mouse game to her. I don't feel "threatened" by any of the other men. If she wants to leave me for another man that's her choice. What hurts is the disrespect of my feelings, and the sharing of an intimacy that IMO, shouldn't be shared while in a mutually exclusive relationship. She has told me that she loves me and wants the relationship to work out...but she has also said this is a part of her personality that she doesn't think she can let go of. I don't know if it's something I can live with.

My g/f and I have had a recurring issue in our relationship that we can't seem to get past. It has to do with differing opinions on what is "appropriate" flirting. We have been together for 5+ years, living together for 4 years. We are very well matched in every way, except for this issue. In the first year and a half of living together I found out she was seeing and flirting with two of her ex-b/fs. It almost led to a break-up. I'm 99% confident that nothing physical was happening, but they were exchanging graphically sexual emails and text messages...I inadvertently saw the subject line on one of the emails on her PC and it was so descriptive that I had to read the email, which led me to find out about the whole issue. I don't believe in invading anyone's privacy, but when the email popped up in front of me while I was standing at the desk in our home office, as I said, it was something I couldn't ignore. I don't have a problem with her having male friends, even if they are old b/fs. However, I do get uncomfortable when it’s the kind of "friendship" that is exclusive of me. IMO, if they are only friends, I should be able to meet the person at some point. There is no one in my life that I would not introduce to her. To this date I have never met any of her previous b/fs, and only a few of her male friends who already happen to be in relationships. I also don't have a problem with her being occasionally flirtatious. Where it gets bad for me is when the flirting contains very sexual content. IMO, physical sex is reserved for the primary partner in an exclusive relationship, and so should verbal sexual intimacy. I use the following example: If a cute girl started chatting me up in a bar I would be flattered and probably flirt back a little. However, if the discussion turned very sexual, I would try to slide in some comments that would make it clear to her that I am in a committed relationship with someone I love. Also, this is a one-time event. If she gave me a phone number and asked me to call, I would not follow through with building a relationship with her. My g/f, on the other hand, feels that as long as her relationship with another man doesn't turn physical, anything can be said or written, even if it is very sexual. Her opinion is that as long as I don’t know about it, and it’s not physical, it shouldn’t hurt me. Recently I overheard another man leaving her a phone message on the answering machine that was also a little suggestive, so I checked her cell phone and found some text messages that were sexual in nature. I want to be able to trust her, but I also can’t bury my head in the sand when these things come up. Am I going too far in thinking that an on-going, sexually laden email or text conversation with another man who is clearly interested in her is “over the line”?