I Have NEVER Liked ANYONE (at first sight...)

[Jayar]

Since my break up 6 months ago, I've done a lot of reflecting on my own behaviour and attitude in terms of the relationships I have been in. One interesting revalation has been that I have never once been attracted to someone right off the bat. I ALWAYS find someone unattractive at first, then they slowly grow on me. Cases in point...

 

My first boyfriend, a friend of friends. Didn't like him... After a couple months he wanted to date me, and, being 14, I figured I may as well... Still no attraction or desire. Then I started to really like him a lot and we had a super nice teenage relationship for about a year.

 

One guy in the middle every one of my friends LOVED and said was so hot, but I just didn't see or feel it. I don't know why...

 

My second serious boyfriend, I picked apart (in confidence, to myself) physically HARDCORE. Then as I got to know him, I really liked him. We dated for almost 2 years at the end of high school.

 

My third serious boyfriend totally repulsed me (met him online) but I guess I liked his personality and went back and forth in my mind until before I knew it, we'd dated for about 2 years, before it ended mostly because of distance.

 

And my last boyfriend, whom I ABSOLUTELY adored, I didn't even want to go on a second date with. He was short, had a highish pitched voice, just basically nothing about him did it for me. Until I got to know him, fell for him, then he was literally ALL I could see. Brad Pitt had NOTHING on this boy, once I fell in love.

 

Why am I like this? I am NOT shallow, believe me, because the guys I choose to date (most notably my recent ex) are not fabulous hotties. They are most often nice, average looking guys with EXCELLENT personalities. This isn't about me being picky in terms of looks.

 

The best way I can explain it, is I see EVERYONE as ugly (even guys most girls think are hot) until I get to know them. Then they either stay ugly (if they are jerks) or they become extremely desireable (if they are gentlemen). It literally is a case of initial repulsion, then a slow steady growing on me that can become an attraction (and in this last case, love) that nothing could have shaken. But why does it have to start as repulsion?

[DN]

Has it occurred to you that there may be a connection between the fact that all these guys, to whom you were not initially attracted, are all ex-boyfriends.

[Jayar]

Has it occurred to you that there may be a connection between the fact that all these guys, to whom you were not initially attracted, are all ex-boyfriends.

 

Not really. I'm not attracted to ANYONE from the get-go... So unless I am destined to be an autosexual, I'm not sure of the connection? Where were you going with it? I'm very interested to know...

 

The fact is, everyone is an ex because I'm single. Which at 24 is probably quite normal. It's a bit like the garlic that keeps vampires away... There are no vampires, so it must be working, right? Not necessarily but it APPEARS that there's a connection. Aside from the fact that they're all my exes, none of the guys had anything in common. I don't have a "type".

 

Edited to add: In ALL cases except my most recent break up, I ended it. But in no case was it an easy decision for me to end it (i.e. I really did develop feelings for the guys) except probably in that one single case where I dunno, I just couldn't FEEL it with him even though my friends loved him and thought I was stupid. That lasted like a month.

[rocio]

I don't get it. You think that every guy you've ever seen was ugly? Ok, what about the bald guy in this picture... u think he's ugly?

[anggrace]

^^^good point. Sounds like a safety/security thing. Mabey a you just like to keep people at a distance till they prove they are worth your love. Im quite the opposite. Not too say its any better. In fact, it bites me in the bum everyonce in a while.

[Jayar]

I don't get it. You think that every guy you've ever seen was ugly? Ok, what about the bald guy in this picture... u think he's ugly?

 

Thanks Hazey... I should add that the ONE place I honestly DON'T think guys are ugly are in pictures! Both of the guys in your photo are cute. My mom would say that the bald guy is "my type" (she knows my type pretty well, even though I don't) but in all honesty I'd probably think that the darker complexioned guy was more attractive to me, in this particular instance.

 

Then I could meet both of them, and like both, neither, or one over the other... But it would happen over the course of WEEKS or MONTHS. In fact, I have often really liked a man's photo (i.e. in online dating) just to feel disillusioned when I did meet him in person (as was the case with both of my most recent exes). Then the attraction comes back full force... But it's like a delayed reaction.

 

So, take your photo. Suppose I met both guys at a club. Neither would appeal to me, and I'd probably brush them both off. First instinct (from the photo) has me liking the darker skinned man, but in all honesty if the bald guy was a sweet, caring gentleman, I could totally fall for him and then at that point I don't even SEE other guys. So it isn't like "settling" you know? It's like a delayed response to attraction.

[Pegasus]

But why does it have to start as repulsion?

 

I don't know if it has to start with repulsion but I really like your way. (I'm not handsome and that is why I like it)

[rocio]

I used to date the bald guy, but I was never really attracted to him. Today I saw that picture on his Facebook page and he looks SO GOOD! OMG. What did I pass up?

 

Anyway, back to your thread... maybe you're a lesbian. Because you have to admit that there are alot of hot girls out there..

[Jayar]

I don't know if it has to start with repulsion but I really like your way. (I'm not handsome and that is why I like it)

 

I can honestly tell you, I am the kind of girl that has NO TROUBLE getting a date for every night of the week if I want it, and yet the guys I date (100% without exception) are guys that people usually think (some even directly ASK me) what I am doing with them. And I love them. And by the time I love them, they're the most handsome guy in the universe to me.

 

There's honestly someone for each of us.

[Jayar]

Anyway, back to your thread... maybe you're a lesbian. Because you have to admit that there are alot of hot girls out there..

 

LOL!!!! I think many girls are VERY pretty, in an "I want to BE her" kind of way, not in an "I want her" kind of way. I am most definitely not a lesbian. When I am attracted to a man (after a period of time, of course) the aspects of that man I am attracted to ARE the masculine characteristics. Usually the deep voice, the shape of their actual body, their height, and their size/build. Definitely don't seek the sexual company of women.

 

Oh, one more thing, in ALL my fantasies (if they aren't about my recent ex, anyway) there's a guy. But some non-descript guy. I honestly couldn't tell you what he looks like. Just that he's characteristically male, but beyond that I couldn't even tell you what my FANTASIES consider attractive. It's so weird.

[Jayar]

Jayar,

 

Hi. Just a thought but maybe you take pride (?) in giving people second chances and being able to see qualities that are not so apparents to others at first glance (y'know, kind of enjoying finding a "diamond in the rough," so to speak)

 

If I am way off, my apologies!

 

Could be... I do think about my boyfriends that I am so lucky to have found them, and their exes before me didn't know what they were missing out on if they didn't appreciate them. This was DEFINITELY the case with my most recent ex. I thought he was a diamond in the rough, until he proved to just be a lump of rock (hehe) and now, interestingly enough, I look at photographs of him (or even saw him in person a couple times) and he's honestly not as attractive as I thought he was. It's like the blinders are off. I have no real thought of him (maybe thought of what I WANTED him to be) but I don't even really miss him anymore.

 

So maybe it works both ways.

[Altruist]

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Its a great way of making relationship decisions and it allows you the opportunity to discover those guys with great personalities but who are not 'gifted' in the looks department.

[caro33]

Jayar I am a bit the same way. I think there has only been one guy I have been with who I thought was attractive straight off the bat. And he turned out to be really shallow and into himself. The hottest and more dramatic relationship in my past was with a guy who I actually felt pity for when I first met him b/c he was SO ugly.

 

I also tend to find women attractive more often than men, in the same way as you describe. Perhaps it's a competitive thing, as well as asthetics.

 

Give me a man with a sexy brain and that's me hooked .

[Jayar]

Give me a man with a sexy brain and that's me hooked .

 

See guys? We DO exist!!!

[chigal28]

Just my two cents, but I operate in a very similar way! I tend to find guys who are considered conventionally attractive (yes, even Brad Pitt) somewhat boring...they don't do much for me. (Of course, I've had a crush on Johnny Depp for years, and now everyone thinks he's hot, but that's beside the point!) Anyway, the guy I'm dating now wouldn't be considered conventionally attractive by any means, but he is funny, smart, sweet, caring and just a good man--to whom I find myself more and more attracted the longer we're together.

 

Maybe it's as simple as this: it's the internal qualities that attract you to a person, and you can't know what those are right when you meet someone, so you reserve judgement, so to speak. Maybe you're not even able to muster up an attraction to someone unless you know them, at least a little.

[lifestream]

I operate the same way in a sense. I find some women very attractive, but if personality is not there, they immediately get cast into the ugly zone.

 

I'd much rather have an average looking girl with admirable qualities and personality than an average brained supermodel.