5-year relationship ended because she want to take advantage of a better opportunity

[zocrates]

Then it's better that you're broke up with her.

 

 

She obviously wasn't about to follow a man for his job. You weren't about to try other avenues... Basic incompatability and lack of desire to compromise.

 

Again, when you say "follow a man for his job" it makes it sound like I'm turning down a decent job for a better one...but this was the only job I could take right now outside of retail. Is that the avenue that I should have taken? Stay and work retail out of college? Or are you seriously saying that I made the right decision by taking the job and breaking up with her? Because I've been getting that I made that wrong decision so far.

[agent1607307371]

Honestly, from what you've posted I'd say that yes, you've made the best decision for you.

 

You're not happy with it right now, but it's a big thing and basically is taking you outside of the life you've had for 5 years but you want to do this and see it as a good move for you and will probably put you in the place you want to be.

 

She didn't think it was best for her and thats her decision.

 

Also, I can see how it would be a real kick to you to not have her want to go with you, I can see how that would really hurt.

[zocrates]

Honestly, from what you've posted I'd say that yes, you've made the best decision for you.

 

You're not happy with it right now, but it's a big thing and basically is taking you outside of the life you've had for 5 years but you want to do this and see it as a good move for you and will probably put you in the place you want to be.

 

She didn't think it was best for her and thats her decision.

 

Also, I can see how it would be a real kick to you to not have her want to go with you, I can see how that would really hurt.

 

Thanks for understanding.

 

Yeah it kinda sucks now and it's going to take some getting used to but I really don't see any other decision that I could have made that made sense for my or even our future. She obviously didn't see it that way but millions of people relocate to be with their spouses all the time, espcially if the couple met in college. Who relocates with who depends on which situation makes best financial sense most of the time, and in this situation, I think it made more sense to move to NJ. She never gave any reasons why I shoudl stay...only that she didn't want to leave because of what her family would think if she left.

 

Keep in mind here that while she doesn't want to move away from her family, who is to say that I didn't want to be away from my family in NJ either? I spent 5 years away from them while I was in school while she has never been away from them for any extended period of time. It's not even a case of her choosing her family over me or anything like that. People move away from their family all the time that still love their family just as much as they did when they were there. But when it comes to a relationship, proximity is a necessity, at least over a certain time period. Family doesn't stop being family when you move away.

 

It kinda hurts to come here and hear that I'm a jerk and she's better off without me when the situation dictatated my actions. I did what anyone rational person would have done.

[Scout]

Well, at first we didn't know all the details, and in your initial posts you were kind of cut and dried about the whole thing. So, it did sorta look like it was mostly a matter of a job/money that broke you two up.

 

I actually was thinking about the fact just now that you've been away from your family for five years and would like to be near them again. I completely understand that.

 

All in all, I guess there's no right or wrong...but I have a feeling it's a crossroads a lot of couples come to at some point. Not sure if it always results in a break-up, though.

 

Speaking of which, how did she take the break up?

[agent1607307371]

only that she didn't want to leave because of what her family would think if she left.

 

Yeah, that's really not a very satisfying reason, and maybe she'll kick herself one day over it, but what's done is done. Focus on yourself and your future for a while and I'm sure there will be lots of women in NJ interested in you and in good situations of their own.

[never-too-late]

To be honest with you, any woman would have a hard time with this. I mean you sound so convinced you are so right in all your choices. You are asking if you made the right decision to break up with her but you are actually so convinced, you don't seem to need any advice about it.

 

I think your girlfriend may feel a little scared because I would feel too. To be honest, if my boyfriend was telling me to move with him or to follow him to a different city in the way you are explaining yourself here on this board, I would start to worry. I would think to myself, oh my God, is he going to be like this with everything? You said you want to send kids to good schools, which is very nice. But it seems to me that you want to be the one, who decides about everything in your relationship.

 

Well done to you for being an ambitious and successful person! However, women need a gentle treatment. We need caring and understanding from our guys. I honestly feel you are somehow not approaching the subject in a correct way with her and that's why she became negative.

 

It's a great opportunity for you and your girl but why didn't you wait for her a little longer. Maybe try to show her that as much as your career is imiportant to you, your girl and her feelings are as equally important? Maybe you could have made some compromises so you both are happy. I honestly feel that the break up was a bit harsh.

 

Have you spoken to her since the break up? Have you asked her how she feels? She must be pretty hurt. You are taking her reaction too negatively. Maybe she just really needed to get used the idea. Maybe she needed that hug and reassurance from you that you care for her so much and if she needs more time or to talk about it more, you will be there to listen. Bring emotions to it. Don't be so logical, rational about it. I know it's a male nature when it comes to life decisions to be that way but women honestly need a different approach. We need to be understood, listened.

 

Do you love her?

[never-too-late]

Maybe she needed your reassurance to tell her that she will not feel alone if she follows you. And you will do your best for her to feel happy there. My boyfriend is also very ambitious, working long hours and too hard. Maybe she was worried you would focus on your job and your career too much as you seem so excited about it and she would feel alone and neglected? Honestly, I still think you need to have that last conversation with her or send her a letter, explaining to her how you feel (gently) and try to reassure her that you love her, she is important to you and you would be very happy for her to go with you as you really want her to be part of your life there. Bring emotions to it.. and see what she says. Dont blame or accuse. Just explain your feelings and let her talk. Don't get anry. It's a big decision, don't forget and we cannot control others. You cannot control how she thinks or feels or reacts. We all react differently, that's why life is interesting. So it does not mean that she did not react the way you expected that she does not love you. Be more open-minded and tolerant.

 

And if after sending her a letter she is still negative and not really enthusiastic about going then you let her go peacefully. But don't end the relationship harshly because of a job opportunity. Love is not a job. Love needs to be treated differently!

[annie24]

You mention that people move for spouses, but she is not your spouse. I would move for a husband, but not a boyfriend. Did you two ever discuss having a deeper level of committment? It is something to think about. I don't think I would move either unless we were engaged or married.

 

Have you two talked about where you see your lives headed and if you see yourselves together and married one day?