threesome issues....

[Lboogie23]

I have written about this before, and sinse then i thought that my troubles were over. Except last night my fiance and i got into a fight about it again and this time it was a big one.

He says hes mad at me because he thinks i'm "fake" as a person. His reasoning behind it is this, He wants to have a threesome and i don't. I have told him that i thought it would ruin the relationship. He feels that because i told him in the beginning of our relationship that i have had been with women in the past that for him, that was an open invitation for a threesome and if i didn't plan on having one with him, then i should have never said anything at all. I tried to explain to him that i had only told him bc we were getting to know each other and it was something about myself that i wanted to share with him.

Anyways, he says that if i really loved him and would do anything for him, then i would do this for him. And hes really upset with me, hes talking about ending our 3 year relationship over this. We have two children for ccrying out loud!!!! There are also some other issues with him looking at porn that was a problem in the past but i have recently been dealing with these feelings and am pretty much over the whole porn thing. But he says he feels like i'm not allowing him to be "himself" what ever that means.

So i guess my question is, am i way off base here? I mean i think a threesome would ruin our relationship. But he feels its something that i should do for him based on the fact that i love him and would do anything for him. I would appreciate some real perspective here. Thanks.

[melrich]

No you are not off base, he is.

 

he says that if i really loved him and would do anything for him, then i would do this for him.

 

That's not what love is about. It's not like slavery. It's about mutual respect. If he loved you he would respect your decision and your right to make that decision.

[DN]

He is using what you told him in the past to pressure you into doing something that you don't want to. Don't allow him to do that.

 

And as for not allowing him to be himself - what about him allowing you to be yourself?

 

If he ends the relationship over this you are probably better off without him.

[princess81]

A 3 some can be a great thing between 3 consenting adults CONSENTING and your not he should be more whilling to listen to how you feel about this he wants to end a relationship of 3 years over this than his priorities are all messed up and needs to snap back into reality. Maybe try putting it another way to him like ok what if I wanted a 3 some with 2 men and let it go from there (not that there is anything wrong with that). Hopefully this will past and he will come back to his scences a 3some can even be toxic to a monogamous and long term relationship. So good luck and keep us posted

[Lboogie23]

he told me that if i wanted to have a threesome with another man that i could, but i don't want that. i just wanted to be with him.

[RayKay]

Just base knowledge but if anyone ever says "if you REALLY loved me you would (compromise your own values and principles)" they are certainly not considering your best interests or doing it out of love. Besides by his own rationale then, if he really loved you he would be willing to not have one...right?

 

I can totally see why you feel the way you do; you are right, threesomes can indeed threaten a committed relationship even when both DO want to try it...never mind when one does not.

 

I don't think having been with another woman has ANYTHING to do with being open to a threesome while IN a relationship.

 

Honestly sweetie, him threatening to leave you over this is manipulative, and while I know you have children; I would be considering showing him the door. This is showing what respect he has for you together as a couple, and the commitment he has if he is willing to throw your FAMILY away for a threesome.

[itsallgrand]

He is so off base in this. He's basically throwing an extreme adult version of a temper tantrum because he isn't getting what he wants.

The sad part of it is, he is willing to hurt you and threaten to leave the relationship over it.

It's even sadder considering yall have a family.

 

I do think he is trying to manipulate you and it's not right.

 

Perhaps you should call him on his bluff and show him the door.

Whatever you choose, the one thing you don't want to do is to cave into his unreasonable demands.

Standing firm will mean that he will either have to : eat humble pie and admit he is making a huge mistake, or follow through on his own threats and go out on his own.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Stay true to yourself.

[RayKay]

As I said in a PM to you, I cannot believe he is putting the responsibility on you to either give up on your own values and discomfort with this, or to refuse and thereforeeee he will blame you for breaking up the family. He is being extremely selfish to put a sexual fantasy above family, and place the burden on you to go with it; when you never made such promises or showed interest in an actual threesome to begin with.

[HellFrost666]

Do you really think this guy is ready to be married? And if you end up married to him it will only get worse. His statements like "Oh, if you loved me you would." are just a way of manipulating and controling you.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Wow. This guy sounds manipulative and emotionally abusive. You aren't the one at fault here - he is. And I agree, it sounds like he's throwing a temper tantrum. More than trying to decide what to do about his sexual fantasies, think about this - do you really want to marry a man who would disregard your feelings and desires so callously? Do you really want someone in your children's life who will turn his back on them and you because he can't have something sexual he wants?

[Day_Walker]

You cannot let him pressure you into having a threesome or doing anything you do not want to do. You are going to have to stand up for what you believe in no matter what.

[Kalika]

Woah.. Yeah, I totally agree with everything the others said as well. How unbelievably selfish of him, to even threaten ending the relationship over something so absolutely trivial. I am so terribly sorry your partner is doing this to you. You have every right to say no, because you don't want to or think it will jeopordize the relationship.. And most guys have a fantasy like this or a different one but would NOT force it on their partner with threats to leave..

 

Stay strong, like someone else said .. maybe you should call his bluff.. show him his walking papers, and see what happens after that. His subsequent actions should tell you a LOT about where his priorities are.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

WHOA, whoa, whoa! emotional blackmail alert! plenty of people experiment when they are young and BEFORE they are committed, so he has no right to demand that you engage in activities that threaten your commitment or sense of fidelity and 'specialness' as a couple now...

 

maybe you have changed and don't want women anymore, or maybe you don't want a guy watching you and another woman, WHATEVER, it is your right to decide what you are comfortable with, especially years after you are into a committed relationship, and if he is pressuring you into something you are not comfortable with NOW, that is not right... nothing wrong in suggesting it if he wants to try it, but he should not FORCE you into it as a threat.

 

if he made WRONG assumption about you in the beginning and didn't talk to you about it then (i.e., expect you to have a threesome from the getgo), he doesn't have the right to try to triangulate other people into your sex life now much later, and after you have kids and a faithful family situation...

 

there are people who enjoy threesomes or group sex or swapping, but plenty of people DO try this and it ruins their relationship due to jealousy, or just one individual deciding their sexual/personal preferences do NOT include other people in intimate situations...

 

if you have any reservations at all, he should not be pressuring you, that is selfish... there is a big difference between fantasy and reality, so i think he needs to understand this, and if he continually pesters you for this or has an affair and then blames you for it, then maybe he is not committed to you the way he should be... if you are in a committed relationship, you have a right to expect fidelity if that is what you need, and any other undue pressure otherwise is someone who is too different from you, and maybe you should not be together any longer.

[Lboogie23]

I agree, i think maybe we are just so different. I mean hes at one end of the spectrum and it feels like i'm all the way on the other side! I'm so glad to hear that i'm not the crazy one. My gut told me that i wasn't. I think i will write him an email instead of trying to talk to him(it might start another fight)

and tell him if thats what he needs to be fufilled in our relationship then hes in the wrong one.Also i don't appreciate being mentally and emotionally abused. I feel like he is being so selfish! I'm already mentally preparing myself for a break up, just in case he really does leave.

[CaptainPlanet]

I hate to be the one to say this but maybe things would be better if you just had the threesome. The simplest answer is often the best one and this is the simplest solution i can think of. You keep your marriage and your two children get to have both a mother and a father.

 

Similarily I suppose there is the fact that although it does seem from your side of things that you husband is a bit of a jerk. But you are going to marry him. You must have had some idea of what he is like before you agreed to do so.

 

Sometimes everyone has to do things they do not want to. Just in your case it happens to be a threesome. IF you do it, and keep him happy. Will you be better off having him leave you or be unhappy in a marriage.

 

I don;t know, just something you need to consider, besides the opinions which all seem to be morally, and emotionaly high grounded.

[RayKay]

How would that make the relationship/marriage better when she will feel he is not whom she thought he was, when she will no longer trust his commitment to her for other than sexual fantasies, when she has seen him with another woman, when she is NOT comfortable with the idea?

 

This is like saying that a woman should just go along with being raped by her partners friend if it makes her partner happy. This is her BODY, and it is not up to her fiance to determine that she should share it with others.

 

With a choice between him leaving over this selfish reason, and an unhappy marriage, I hope she chooses the chance to be loved by someone whom respects and loves her for her - and that is not this guy.

 

And where does it end? What if he decides he wants another threesome, or heck, to have them regularly?

 

It is not "just" about a threesome here, it is about his emotional manipulation and threats to leave the family - how is THAT any better for the relationship? He does not own her, or her body.

 

Her children need a mother whom is also confident and happy with whom she is as a person, not a slave to their father. It is not ALWAYS better for the parents to live together to give their kids a happy life.

 

She is not bound to do whatever he asks because she said she would marry him. Sometimes peoples true colours do not come out right away, now the are...and it is not too late for her to see them and decide her best option.

[Lboogie23]

thank you raykay, i'm glad you clerified for me so i did not have to , i'm not sure i would have been as polite as you!

Anyways, things have not gotten better at all. we are on speaking terms, but only when the kids are awake. We used to stay up together and watch tv, or just talk after we put the kids to bed. Now he just downs a couple beers and goes to bed with out a word to me. Yesterday i just wanted to hug him bc i miss that, so i did. He didn't even raise his arms to hug me back, he just kept them at his side. that hurt me so much, i can't even tell you.

I wrote him an email asking him if he thought we should rethink the relationship, but he hasn't answered back yet or showed any signs of doing so. the real kick in the is that i haven't even done anything wrong, and he's treating me like i just went out and cheated on him or something major like that. and forget about making love, not that i'm particularly in the mood sinse all this, but it would be nice to at least feel desired. In bed he wont' even face me, he keeps his back to me all night. I'm so sad and mad all at the same time. Sad because he's treating me this way, and mad bc what have i done to deserve this???? I feel like i hate him. I know that sounds so bad , but he just went to bed without a word to me or a glance in my direction and i can't take this. I feel blue.